Continuous wave - losing the fight.

Feeling a bit dismayed - has been a continuous wave of depression last 5 weeks and feeling like I'm losing the fight. Nothing lifts me out and after fighting for so long, now into 14 months, I'm sort of running out of Kryptonite. Truth is I'm getting really scared I've really screwed myself up this time. Things are looking pretty ugly and I'm just a wreck. Still burning sensation, pressure in my head, hopelessness, guilt, highly sensitized to stress. Got no answers -

I feel similar. I've had it for seven years now. I felt really depressed yesterday so today I'm just staying in bed. I have no motivation to do anything because nothing interests me. I've got magazines to read but they seem pointless. We've got a new oven coming on Tuesday and I'm already worried about dealing with the delivery men. I worry where it is going to end. Having very vivid dreams too. Favourite programmes on tv last night but I had to force myself to watch them in order to keep my bf happy. This is horrible and very scary.

Well, I do have a history of depression/anxiety but the Benzo thing just seems to bring to another level. I would never want to set off triggers in anyone but what sets it off in me is something I would spare anyone else yet. It's just been a freakin' nightmare.

Ive found that even if the world feels like hell and a nightmare I would try to build a routine. I stick to that routine what come may. Doing the routine gives me some, if even a tiny bit, makes me feel that there is a little normalcy in my life. I feel if I do that routine that I have functioned and things are ok. Have you, I haven't mastered it. But someone once told me that if I keep the order, order will keep me.

  Get out of bed and have your coffee. Pickup things around the house. Just find any routine. Stick to it even if you don't feel like staying in bed. Build on the routine and keep doing it. Then after the routine, go to bed. But you will go to bed feeling like you have done your thing.

i am so very deeply depressed i really don't want to be here anymore. mostly bedbound. morbid thoughts. can't stop crying. every morning i think why bother to get up??? honestly i look forward to nothing, feel nothing.  i was always somewhat of a depressive which is why i took anti-depressants for 20 years until some stupid doc gave me thorazine and i suffered some kind of brain seizure/stroke. ever since i could not tolerate any ad's. doc put me on gabapentin which was hell and ct at 300mg. now i don't know if it is ad wd or gbn wd  whatever i am in hell and still on k which i will taper way into the future. it would kill me at this point even to taper as i am so unstable. 

 

pray for us all lost souls................lilla

Opiates screwed my life up. I started taking them for pain. I went from taking narco for pain. But the pain increased until taking 4 narcos a day was not enough. I needed oxycodone. I was in such pain that I couldn't walk. I ended up in the psych ward against my will. They stripped away the oxycodone cold turkey. To my surprise my pain decreased and it turned out that the opiates themselves had been actually causing most of my pain. I always took them responsibly. But I was totally unaware that they were causing the pain. Had I not been forced off of them I would not of known I was in a vicious cycle.

 

  Opiates also made me very weak and zapped my energy. I was so weak that it was a huge hike to get around the house. I could no longer take care of myself. And of course living like this made me depressed along with the extra depression that opiates bring as a side effect. That was last March that this happened. And still to this day in November I am still free of severe pain. I still have to take OTC pain medicine. But it is normal pain and not intense torturous pain. This is my story. I hope that this gives someone else hope.

i am so very deeply depressed i really don't want to be here anymore. mostly bedbound. morbid thoughts. can't stop crying. every morning i think why bother to get up??? honestly i look forward to nothing, feel nothing.  i was always somewhat of a depressive which is why i took anti-depressants for 20 years until some stupid doc gave me thorazine and i suffered some kind of brain seizure/stroke. ever since i could not tolerate any ad's. doc put me on gabapentin which was hell and ct at 300mg. now i don't know if it is ad wd or gbn wd  whatever i am in hell and still on k which i will taper way into the future. it would kill me at this point even to taper as i am so unstable. 

 

pray for us all lost souls................lilla

 

At the dosage I've been on of AD and GPN, there's no way in hell I could handle CT off them, especially WD from K. Honestly, I don't see how you can handle what you have. I'm losing my mind in the WD fight now into 14 mo. Who knows how much further to go but then to face getting off the AD and GPN, from the dosage I'm at - please just shoot me!!

i am so very deeply depressed i really don't want to be here anymore. mostly bedbound. morbid thoughts. can't stop crying. every morning i think why bother to get up??? honestly i look forward to nothing, feel nothing.  i was always somewhat of a depressive which is why i took anti-depressants for 20 years until some stupid doc gave me thorazine and i suffered some kind of brain seizure/stroke. ever since i could not tolerate any ad's. doc put me on gabapentin which was hell and ct at 300mg. now i don't know if it is ad wd or gbn wd  whatever i am in hell and still on k which i will taper way into the future. it would kill me at this point even to taper as i am so unstable. 

 

pray for us all lost souls................lilla

 

OMG, I am so sorry what you are going through. But I do understand and can relate. It's a hell of a thing to feel lousy with no end in sight. But I believe feeling fine is our natural state - though we seem to have lost sight of it long ago. I feeling lousy when the world looks bleak, hideous and dangerous - which it always does. I am ultra sensitive about shit I can't do a damn thing about. I can't handle it and it just feels like daggers through the heart though I can hardly feel much of anything in this current state of Benzo withdrawals. After all the shit that's happened - losing my family, including my last two cats in 2015, I just could not recover and ended up in hospital after an OD episode in July 2016. Was in August I did the rapid detox (30 days) from that wretched Clonazepam. Here I am, 15 mo. into it and still can't get shed of it. Even at this very moment, it's a freaking nightmare. Dismayed indeed. I really need to connect here with y'all - just to tough base with soul and sanity . . . .

So here I go into 16 mo. trying to keep it together - but I have to tell ya, I'm not doing too well at all. My mind is just a wreck from depression and it's sucking the life right out of me. I'm actually looking into mushrooms at this point. Based on few but favorable results in studies in the UK. I'm not messing around when I say I'm fighting with everything I've got and that no more seems sufficient. No more "hang in there" stuff - that ain't going to cut it. I need something substantial and need it now.

That’s a ton of gabapentin. That stuff made me s en more depressed.  Just my experience.

Gabapentin also made my depression worse.  Too bad.  It helped with the anxiety!

I wonder about that myself. Depression has gotten so bad that it's as though my mind has become cancerous, just rotting away. When I'm alone in the dark for hours on end I become all consumed with the most ugly, hideous thoughts imaginable. I don't see any end in sight of this parasitic withdrawal syndrome. Seems my cat is the only this that can rescue me from danger.

Does the Effexor not help? Just wondering if you are still experiencing depression, why the AD? I've been considering doing yet another trial because I'm definitely clinically depressed at this point. I just can't get on the medication to see if it will work. Tried Zoloft for 2 weeks and lost 10 pounds... and felt much worse. But then again, I'm not sure I can feel any worse then I already do. 14 months out WTF...

geeez, I can sooo relate to this horrible depression.  Have been bedridden for weeks and was and still am housebound for years with it and crushing anxiety.  I force my self out into the snow for a walk almost every day but I loath it.  Can't watch TV, read, talk to anyone.  It all seems so pointless.  Everything I used to love doing is gone.  The only thing that keeps me going is that I had one summer window in 4 years of utter Hell and I think it has to happen again doesn't it?  My Psyche just suggested gabapentin and I figure I have to do something cause this can't be happening.  Best wishes to all of you.

geeez, I can sooo relate to this horrible depression.  Have been bedridden for weeks and was and still am housebound for years with it and crushing anxiety.  I force my self out into the snow for a walk almost every day but I loath it.  Can't watch TV, read, talk to anyone.  It all seems so pointless.  Everything I used to love doing is gone.  The only thing that keeps me going is that I had one summer window in 4 years of utter Hell and I think it has to happen again doesn't it?  My Psyche just suggested gabapentin and I figure I have to do something cause this can't be happening.  Best wishes to all of you.

 

Well, I'm a lifer as far as depression goes so I've been off/on AD's for decades. I've been more/less treatment resistant pretty much through all of it. I really had a breakdown in 2010 and had to go on Effexor just to turn my world from black to grey. I guess I'm addicted to that and Gaba too so who knows if I'll ever be drug free. I do intend to try out Psilocybin - trial studies indicate some favorable results - both psychologically and physiologically. Those windows are worth shooting for, I've gotta think.

Catt

That is a LOT of effexor, do you feel it's still working or just worried about cutting that?

Catt

That is a LOT of effexor, do you feel it's still working or just worried about cutting that?

 

It is a lot and I'll have to cut it down, if not out at some point. I actually tried to get off of it several years ago but just couldn't stay with it. I've gotten off the Opiates as well as Tramadol and Seroquel. Right now I'm just trying to cope with the Benzo w/d. I feel I'll never be myself again - can't even remember that person anymore.