[ro...] Posted October 22, 2017 Share Posted October 22, 2017 It was a year ago this month that I joined BenzoBuddies after discovering this forum when searching for symptoms that I was experiencing that baffled me. Long story short, it turned out that the Valium my MD had prescribed for about 30 years had gone from helpful friend to my enemy. I began a taper cutting pills down then went over to liquid taper and micro-tapered down slowly to nothing, I think my signature lines should show my progress. I had rough days, but they always got better with time, and never were beyond handling. Sadly, just before the end of my taper my husband of 38 years died suddenly, after a nice day together I found he had gone in his sleep 10 weeks ago tonight :-( Remarkably and with God's help I made it through this awful experience, the memorial service, and this terrible and painful journey of grief not needing or wanting any medication. I am pretty beaten up from grief, but am doing fairly well, able to get out more now as the agoraphobia is letting up, have some mild dizziness now and then, still have insomnia more than I'd like to, but it's hard to know the difference between the physical affects of the loss of the love of my life and benzo recovery, so I just take one day at a time and keep moving forward. It was very freeing to throw the remaining pills away. It is the first time in 38 years that I have not seen or spoken to my husband for this long, and it is the first time in 30 years that there are no benzos in my home. I wish my husband was here to celebrate with me, he was very patient and loving during my journey through this and we were both so happy it was getting close to the end of my year long taper. That is all I'm going to share, but if you have questions, please feel free to ask, and thank you to those who post such helpful posts. I try to keep my focus on the positive ones. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
[Iw...] Posted October 22, 2017 Share Posted October 22, 2017 Your husband’s celebrating with you in spirit. Congratulations on being benzo free. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
[ro...] Posted October 22, 2017 Author Share Posted October 22, 2017 Thank you iwannabemeagain and I wish you success in your journey. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
[Gr...] Posted October 22, 2017 Share Posted October 22, 2017 I'm so sorry about the loss of your husband. I wish you good luck with this new, benzo-free chapter of your life. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
[La...] Posted October 22, 2017 Share Posted October 22, 2017 You are obviously a very strong and courageous woman! I wish you continued strength as you go along this journey. I'm so sorry for your loss, but the love you describe sounds wonderful. Congratulations being benzo-free during what has obviously been a very difficult time for you. Take good care! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
[fl...] Posted October 22, 2017 Share Posted October 22, 2017 Congratulations, roughride! I am so sorry your husband died before the end; I know he would be incredibly proud and happy for you. Wishing you the best of luck in your continued recovery from benzos and in weathering the loss of your life's companion. Flibberty Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
[ro...] Posted October 22, 2017 Author Share Posted October 22, 2017 Thank you fibberty, Lapis2 and Greencup. I'll never go back to benzos and the missing my husband is strong today. Thank you for the wishes. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
[...] Posted October 23, 2017 Share Posted October 23, 2017 I am so so sorry for your loss. 38 years marriage - what an amazing achievement. I am so very glad tho that you are doing better.. Take very good care of yourself! XOX It was a year ago this month that I joined BenzoBuddies after discovering this forum when searching for symptoms that I was experiencing that baffled me. Long story short, it turned out that the Valium my MD had prescribed for about 30 years had gone from helpful friend to my enemy. I began a taper cutting pills down then went over to liquid taper and micro-tapered down slowly to nothing, I think my signature lines should show my progress. I had rough days, but they always got better with time, and never were beyond handling. Sadly, just before the end of my taper my husband of 38 years died suddenly, after a nice day together I found he had gone in his sleep 10 weeks ago tonight :-( Remarkably and with God's help I made it through this awful experience, the memorial service, and this terrible and painful journey of grief not needing or wanting any medication. I am pretty beaten up from grief, but am doing fairly well, able to get out more now as the agoraphobia is letting up, have some mild dizziness now and then, still have insomnia more than I'd like to, but it's hard to know the difference between the physical affects of the loss of the love of my life and benzo recovery, so I just take one day at a time and keep moving forward. It was very freeing to throw the remaining pills away. It is the first time in 38 years that I have not seen or spoken to my husband for this long, and it is the first time in 30 years that there are no benzos in my home. I wish my husband was here to celebrate with me, he was very patient and loving during my journey through this and we were both so happy it was getting close to the end of my year long taper. That is all I'm going to share, but if you have questions, please feel free to ask, and thank you to those who post such helpful posts. I try to keep my focus on the positive ones. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
[ro...] Posted October 23, 2017 Author Share Posted October 23, 2017 Thanks 1966, I'm trying. I long for a full nights restorative sleep. Trying to be thankful for what I get until it returns. Yes 38 years, we were committed to our marriage vows, that carries you through the rough spots :-) Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
[So...] Posted October 23, 2017 Share Posted October 23, 2017 Roughride - my deepest sympathy for the loss of your husband. You are doing incredibly well for someone who was on this medication for such a long time and courageously come off of it. I know your husband would be proud of you. Blessings. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
[ro...] Posted October 23, 2017 Author Share Posted October 23, 2017 Thank you SoulMan, and I thank the Lord, I depend on Him more than ever now. Wishing you well in being free of this stuff. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
[Su...] Posted October 23, 2017 Share Posted October 23, 2017 So sorry for your loss. I'm happy that you are continuing on the road to getting well. Thank you for sharing. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
[sw...] Posted October 24, 2017 Share Posted October 24, 2017 Thanks. Your story is inspirational. And, I am sorry for your loss. God bless Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
[ro...] Posted October 24, 2017 Author Share Posted October 24, 2017 Thank you swammi and sunshinegirl, it is worth the effort to be free, wishing you the best in your journeys to freedom. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
[...] Posted October 26, 2017 Share Posted October 26, 2017 Roughride, Thank you so much fro coming here and writing your success story , after the passing of your husband . That takes courage and a generous heart . I am so sorry he is not with you in body , but I know he is with you in spirit and shares your victory . Please take care of yourself , MiYu 🙏🏻 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
[ja...] Posted October 27, 2017 Share Posted October 27, 2017 So sorry for the loss of your husband. I wish you the very best as you continue to move forward. Love and hugs Jackie :smitten: Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
[ma...] Posted October 27, 2017 Share Posted October 27, 2017 Thank you for posting your story, its very inspiring! I am so very sorry for the loss of your husband :'( You must be still suffering with grief and missing him so very much. Stay strong, I am sure you still have his support Magrita Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
[So...] Posted October 27, 2017 Share Posted October 27, 2017 I am sorry for you loss. You a true warrior and an inspiration. I, too, am grieving my mother's illness as she is battling for her life in the hospital as we speak. I haven't been in BB for a long time because I was myself battling with depression because five months ago I fell and the trauma caused severe sciatica. Thank God I am healing from this now, but then my mom got ill. I have a month and a half left to finish my taper. It has been so hard for me, but I never gave up like you. May God keep your husband and my mom in His grace and glory, and may we continue fighting. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
[ni...] Posted October 28, 2017 Share Posted October 28, 2017 Roughride, may I offer my sincere sympathy for the loss of your husband. You were on such a rough road that you shared with him until his end came very unexpectedly. Life sometimes is so unfair, but you were able to complete your journey off of benzos in spite of losing him suddenly. Now may I congratulate you for finishing your very successful taper. You did it!! What an amazing accomplishment in light of all you have been through. Thank you for sharing your story with us. Peace and love from a '60s girl who was too involved with marriage and a baby to ever be a flower child. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
[ro...] Posted October 30, 2017 Author Share Posted October 30, 2017 Thank you MiYa, magrita, Solyluna and nightingale, for your comforting kind words. I see each of you are still on your journeys to freedom from benzos, please stick with it, and do the work to heal through the journey and for a while after. Here is a verse from the Bible that I have learned that comforts my anxiety because I do have a real relationship with God through Christ: "Do not fear, for I am with you, do not anxiously look about you, for I am your God. I will strengthen you, surely I will help you, surely I will uphold you with my righteousness right hand" Isaiah 41:10 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
[bo...] Posted October 31, 2017 Share Posted October 31, 2017 Roughride.. I can only imagine how you must feel , brave lady. It's hard to not have that special person to celebrate this huge achievement with. I understand that only too well . Amazing the strength of the human spirit . Resilience at its mightiest .. Travel well my friend . Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
[ro...] Posted November 1, 2017 Author Share Posted November 1, 2017 Thanks you, bozobertie, it is good to know that you understand and empathize with how I feel. Yes thankful for the strength God gives to carry me thru the days to come. Wishing you the very best Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
[ni...] Posted November 2, 2017 Share Posted November 2, 2017 roughride, thanks for the Bible quote. I pray a lot for sleep. That probably sounds trite, but after so long with not much sleep, I need someone to help me and God is it. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
[on...] Posted November 2, 2017 Share Posted November 2, 2017 Rough Ride as someone who was on xanax for thirty years before tapering off with my last pill May 2106 I totally get what you have accomplished. I also can somewhat understand how you must feel losing your husband of 38 years. I have been married 31 years myself and it hard to imagine how I could handle life without him and dealing with xanax withdrawal symptoms that still come on me at times. You must be a very strong woman who made it through the unimaginable. Benzo withdrawal and the loss of a spouse. I admire your courage and wish you the best going forward. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
[ro...] Posted November 27, 2017 Author Share Posted November 27, 2017 I haven't been on the forum in a while, and want to thank you, nightengale and ontheroadme for your comments. nightengale, wanting sleep is not trite, I still do not sleep as well as I used to, but it's getting a little better. I have to remember that the Diazepam was helping me sleep like I did back then, and also have to accept what sleep I get and be thankful for it. Some days that is easier to do than others, but it is my goal. It is slowly coming back, but still about 4-5 hours a night...occasionally 6. ontheroadme, I'm glad you share my experience of getting off this awful stuff, and I am not strong, there are so many tears, I miss my husband terribly. I rely much on strength from the Lord and His Word. Would never survive without Him. Thank you for your kind words. Everybody, I will pop in now and then and update...I'm still doing about the same, the grief is the over-riding thing now, very painful, but there is no desire whatsoever to take anything to sooth it. I am very thankful for that. I have some symptoms now and then, but nothing I can't work through. Wishing all a blessed Christmas season. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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