7 years and a few weeks off

Hello All,

 

I wanted to come back and report to you what time has done for my recovery.

 

I'm assuming most of you do not know who I am, however rest assured I was an active member earlier in the decade starting in 2010 somewhere after finding this site.

 

You can research my earlier postings and the experience I was having.

 

However I recognize that this might be a daunting task as I understand the place most of you may be in, so I will summarize.

 

- Panic

- Depression

- Anxiety

- DR/DP

- Mental Fog

- Visual Dimming

- Nightmares

- Tingling in my legs

- Irregular heartbeat

- Agitation

- Irritable bowels

- Weight loss

- Toxic naps

- The feeling of electric extremities

- My nerves felt like electrical wires that had their insulation stripped bare

- Internal rage where I wanted the thrash myself and try to escape my body

- Lactic acid feeling in my body

- Excessive and unrealistic worry ( do not confuse with real world worries, sometimes, worries are real)

- Regrets

- Reflection and longings for the past, people, places and better times

- Startle easily

 

I may have missed a few conditions, that does not mean I didn't experience them at some point.

 

Now, to outline the recovery I will tell you that all of the above mentioned was not always present at the same time and place.

 

These things happened in intervals, they would come and they would go, the time, length and combination of these symptoms is not important and should not be expected to be the same for everyone, but it should serve as an idea for what has happened in my situation.

 

The MOST important thing to remember is that not everyone experience is the same, and the time it takes is not going to be the same, everyone is created differently, we all have different chemistry, different lifestyles, stressors, pressers, backgrounds, support systems and wills to conquer.

 

I know you can do it, you wouldn't be here if you didn't want to reach the end that will give you your life, soul and peace back.

 

General Timeline

 

From day 1 to about 18 months to 2 years, everything I mentioned as being a symptom was at its most intense, and when one would recess another would step up and carry things along.

 

I want to say that improvement was measurable during this time, however it really wasn't, it seemed like at the time when something went away briefly, and it came back, it came back less intense, but that interpretation might not be actually empirically measurable in such a short time, but YES, being this far removed now, I can see that it was recovery that happened in phases, which overall led to the next step, which was the overall decline in effect it was having on me.

 

NOTE: You are going to want this, it is going to test you in ways that cannot anticipate. I wanted my recovery, and to this day I continue to take it, I will elaborate further.

 

From years 2 to 4, I was in a place where with careful planning I could navigate my life, slowly expose myself to more and more normal routines, however I experienced relapses where I was thrown right back to day one, literally, however I learned that these relapses were pushes by the affects of the drug, and it need to VENT itself so to speak.

 

These relapses, usually intense or seemingly while they were happening lasted only so long and then I returned to what I knew as the previous normal in my recovery, once back to that place, the symptoms seemed to be less, I say that cautiously for all of you, everyones experience is different.

 

From Years 4 to 6, I really began to move on, I was always mindful of how I was feeling and the things that might trigger me, I found I was more vulnerable to my environment, so I had to challenge myself to face things I shied away from earlier in my recovery, sometimes it was a good things, sometimes not, but overall I strengthened my system, my confidence and natural approach to daily activities as my reactions and worries lessened.

 

From years 6 to the moment that I am typing this, I am back doing things again that I thought impossible at one time, the details of that are not important, what I am doing and what you will do will be different and the return to those things will never be the same for all of us.

 

Note: As of today, I have some things still lingering, legs that feel tingly, sometimes I have anxiousness over some things that I think never bothered me before, an example of this can be illustrated by this - whenever I hear sirens, fire, police, ambulance I get anxious, I think something bad is happening, and I want to make it about something that is somehow going to affect me, like a terrorist attack or whatever that my mind can conjure up, THIS IS FALSE......, it is a symptom, i know this now, it doesn't change how if feel when it happens, but I know what it is.

 

I still have weird dreams occasionally, feel a little down, but it is only as strong as I let it be, If I dwell in that grey area that tries to creep up, it gives it life.

 

I may or may not have a relapse this coming fall, that is when I have found it likes to happen, usually around November for some reason, it happened last November for about 2 days and let off right away, I felt weird for a few weeks afterwards, the feeling was real, but I think it had a lot to do with my comfortable place that I was growing to know and live in being shaken again.

 

I'm absolutely certain that a lot of you will have questions that I have not addressed or answered, and realistically, it can't be done, I was in the same place, when someone from before me return to report back, I also was like "what about this, what about that", but I hear myself saying what the people that went before me were saying, everyone is different, timelines are different, experiences are never the same, but overall, this is the BEST place to be for support and information, and unless you are the absolute exception, WHICH YOU ARE NOT, it will improve, time is your friend.

 

I was single and not married through this, my parents are long gone and I am an only child, I found my support on this forum and from a couple key members I spoke to on the phone and am still in touch with today, if you still have any of those things I have mentioned that I did not through this, you have something I would have killed to have, do whatever it takes, just do whatever it takes.

 

When I say, I know what you are going through, take it as an absolute, I know what is on the line for each and everyone of you, I continue to do it, and I expect you to also, don't let this win, you are the winner, God loves you all, never forget that, man did this to you and for their love of money.

 

If you eventually find yourself beginning to come here less and less frequently, that is the turn, you are moving on, that is when I recognized my recovery happening, I didn't need constant reassurance from being here, I am not downplaying the importance of anything provided here, but the best advice I got was, to allow myself to walk on my own again, with periodic check ins.

 

LASTLY - I have some friends that I sought out as help during my taper and recovery that I would never ever have met or even thought to reach out too if this had never happened, and I often find myself weighing whether I would trade these new friends for never having gone through this experience.

 

Ever single time I weigh that thought, I come up with the following answer - It would be inconceivable that my life did not include these people, it was worth it to go through this to have the richness of these new friends I have here locally.

 

And when I say friends, I mean friends that without hesitation loved, supported and just were what I needed them to be for me at the time, they are now life long friendship I would never give up.......ever, even for the trade.

 

THIS IS YOUR DRILL SERGEANT SPEAKING 

 

"Report to the line SOLDIER"!

 

You will be stronger through this, please trust me, this gives me chills to write as it is tough honest love, and I want for you everything you want back for yourself! I hope this was helpful, your friend

 

David

Awesome post!  Awesome! 

Thank you for giving us hope:)

Thank you David.

I am 5yrs and two months off powerful AD Effexor.

Still suffering a lot.

I am in the wave-window pattern, and living my life in patches.

I am surviving with little savings, and I only can work when I am feeling better, because when the waves hit all I can do is survive.

I have noticed a better base line though during the windows.

I am 64 yrs and feeling kidnapped by the syndrome-

Awesome post. Very encouraging!

Hello David,

Thank you so much for taking time to post about your healing progress! This gives us so much hope and inspiration to continue to be patient that in time, all of us who are still suffering from various withdrawals from these poison pills will heal and recover!

 

Praying that you will continue to feel better and better!

 

Pi

"A journey of a thousand miles begins with a single step"

 

Chinese Proverb

 

 

Come to where I am calling you from, come....take that step, and the next and then the next......

Thank you SO much for returning and posting your progress. I'm just over five years off and the description of your healing journey gives me hope. One step closer every day.

 

 

Thanks for coming back and posting about your progress over the years David and how recovery has been for you. 

Thank you! What a storyl I do have those things you didnt have and your words make me really grateful for them. Thank you and Congratulations!

I remember you.  I was right there. Thanks for posting your progress.

 

Thanks for posting.  I'm almost 7 years off and I'm much better but still progressing.

David,

Thank you so much for your post! I appreciate hearing your progress. I’m concerned tho that you were only on it for 4 months.... like me and had all the same symptoms... but had them intermittent for so long. I was hoping that maybe Bc I’d been on it only 4 mo, that maybe I’d recover quicker. I know everyone has a different experience, but, ours has started out sim.....

 

It is extremely difficult for me to imagine another month let alone anything longer.

I’m in the midst of one of my most trying times of life ( outside of the k situation)... and dealing w the exaggerated feelings, etc w wd.

 

I hope to have your fortitude ....

Thank u🙏

Thanks David, very good summary. Only someone that has been there knows. My daughter went through it years before me, I though I knew,, or at least had a good idea what it must be like. I was wrong, I didn't have a clue. I didn't know that anxiety could keep me home for so long. I guess I'm not really afraid to go anywhere, I just don't know why I would want to when I have everything I need right here. I feel ok, a lot less anxious but it doesn't take much for my anxiety level go from 0 to 60 in 3 seconds flat. My wife loves to shop,, I unload the car and try to behave. During the 15 years I was on it I lost both of my parents and never grieved much until I was well into w/d's

 

I'm 2 yrs, 8 mo off valium. Recently heard from a couple people that claim they were on long term benzo's, 6-10 years, and had no w/d's. I guess it's possible but I almost don't believe it. Sounds too much like this Doctor I've been going to for a few years. After I told him I was pretty much out of the woods at 2 years. He said "Valium w/d only lasts 6 months." That's it, end of statement! What an uncaring, unfeeling, downright dumb statement for a doctor to make!

 

I couldn't think of a comeback that wouldn't insult him too much but I was dumbfounded. This guy is a physiatrist, 56 years old. He must know better than that. Should I correct this Doctor or let it go?? I have to see him in a week. I feel like we deserve a little more respect for what we have been through. I wish I could explain to him what it is like but I don't have the words. You put them together very well David.  Thanks.

 

Oh, what do you think? Should I tell this Doc he don't know what ta hell he's talking about?

 

UPDATE:

 

January 18, 2018

 

01:59 HRS CDT

 

Friends,

 

This past fall into winter of 2017 I was waiting, watching and anticipating the seasonal relapse, or set back..........

 

The ANNIVERSARY as some call it.

 

Did NOT happen, I got through the November / Fall Creeps without incident.

 

 

 

June 14, 2018 - 2:01 CDT

 

Friends....

 

It is now 8 years plus off......

 

There are things going on that I CANNOT say for certain are to blame for Benzo WD anymore....

 

It seems to be just day to day stuff, normal reactions to life, I feel the purge is tentatively complete.

 

I will forever be leery of my current state, however if this is normal, I WILL TAKE IT!

 

The jitters, panics, irrational fears........Honestly, it is so far removed, I cannot even recall to describe how bad it was......

 

It comes, it definitely comes, some sooner, some later, for me in writing this........8 years and a bit, but the recovery at an micro almost unnoticable acute level may be forever.

Thanks for the positive update. I’m 10 years off, and although much better, still have some annoying symptoms.