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98%...98% of the time...calling it


[Co...]

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  98% ...98% of the time...I am going to take it and run.

        42/43 months ( I think....stopped counting long ago) This is not going to be one of those long well written re-caps  of the long and winding blind walk through the seven circles of hell....I honestly do not have the heart to re-visit all of it. It was hard....all of it was hard. For me, I started kind of a yo-yo pattern of real improvement with consistent longer windows and plunges back into sx around 26 months,  the infamous "  healing is not a straight line. Indeed it is not, it is about as circular as anything can be. Things continued in that yes- no- yes- no -yes- no benzo tease until a to understand month 32 or so. Then along came a couple of non-serious medical issues , a but of pnuemonia, some gi issues ( I weathered an endoscopy/ colonoscopy with versed sedation without any side effects). Pancreatitis and a hiatal hernia that took some time as I refused ppi  meds ( restricted diet , every day Tums chewies and a colic pain reliever got me through). ....and just in the last month bronchitis that healed . For me, all of the mental sx appeared in the first two years and I got hit with the physical sx in the third year. Amoxicillin and erythromycin  wrecked me a couple of times and sent me back to acute. Tetracycline was the one I could tolerate . I have to say that it was antibiotics that wrecked improvements. I am still afraid of them. ....But here I am more or less in one piece and 98% ...98% of the time...Doing all the things I did before w/d and anticipating new things....without dread and fear. I am present and crystal clear....happy and optimistic. ..My worst persistent ...last to go sx was health fear, I just could not shake it . It was intrusive and constant from my first er trip ( spiked bp ) in acute ( I didn't hit acute until just about month 4) , all the way through until just a few months ago. I chose to do some mop up therapy on that one and it got me over the finish line . ...The 'Healed' feels solid . There were a million times in the past 3.5 years that I was completely convinced that I would not heal , that I would have to learn to live with an unpredictable sick/not sick life of ever present anxiety, fear and physical pain....but somehow here I am ....done

    These are the few things that got me through :  Time Time Time....endless Time.    Distraction...anything that works. In the first 18 months my concentration was pathetic. I watched 30 minute sitcoms, lived on the threads and washed dishes and folded clothes...,over and over.    Routine....when I started to get some windows I developed a routine , the routine of a simpleton, but I stuck to it every day as much as possible. Having a routine helped me feel wisps of normalcy through the cog fog and dr/dp. I have a dog and I had to at least get up every morning and take him out....Those 3 things ....Time, Distraction , and Routine ....and my anchor ...BBs.  I also went to the doctor when I needed reassurance for physical sx. For me it got me through some very difficult health fear torture. I wasn't at the clinic every week...or month, but when the irrational fear was incapacitating I went in

Usually it was w/d , but somewhere in the second year I had pnuemonia without any typical pneumonia  symptoms and was almost hospitalized. ..I also had a painful hernia diagnosed in the same year ( benzos are notorious  for causing hernias as they permanently loosen the esophageal sphincter  ), so I was glad that I went in when I did. I know there are differing points of view regarding seeing the doctor and differing attitudes about doctors , but people in w/s can and do develop actual medical conditions...imo you should never overlook or ignore a persistent , new or worrisome sx. My bench mark was always if the sx was constant without interruption over time I went in . It was always worth it if only for the reassurance , and I have a doctor that I like and trust who has been with me all along the way. ....I tried some herbals, supplements, homeopathics  and vitamins/minerals in the first year. A ton of them. I read articles until my eyes fell out and tried almost everything I read about....all of them, really every single one of them, even the Hyland Calm that people give thier kids made all my sx worse or at best didn't help me at all. That was just me, I know some people have found odds and ends along the way that eased sx. ....My reliable go to was Dr. Teals Lavender Epsom Salts hot bath soaks.......

    My lifeline was the beautiful compassionate funny and wise little band of endearing friends. We made a pact in month 6 to stick together to the end , until we were all finished...The Cave Dwellers ..lol....Life, GreenIce, Nova, Healing Hope, Mrs, Peace2, Drew, Jen, Rachel and Amy....I literally would have reinstated in month 6 if not for GreenIce who talked me through each day and Nova who sat through at least one entire night with me. I came to love these people and owe my healing to each and every one of them...

    The Forum helps so many I would not have known where to start. There are so many good people here....helping each other even though they are suffering.In the entire 3.5 years that I have been on the forum I met only one hurtful person....one out of hundreds....amazing .

      Thank you to the forum, thank you to Colin....and lifelong gratitude and love to the little band of true dear friends who got me through

        That's it....I guess it did turn into a long rambling thing. ..Keep going buddies...find a few special friends here on the forum and support each other all the way through

    "With life only a half breath, speak only love".....Rumi

  coop

     

 

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Wow ! I'm so happy for you . Congratulations , I remember seeing you online a lot . I'm so happy for you . Can't wait to heal . My worse symptom is brain zaps , intrusive thoughts , dp and dr . I hope I heal soon .
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Congratulations! May your life hold many years of joy and great adventure. It's so encouraging to read of people like yourself breaking through the other side of the tunnel into the sun!
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That's awesome Coop! I couldn't agree more with everything you said. Thanks again for always helping me and others out too when we were in the thick of it.  8)
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Oh Coop reading this really made my day :smitten: I have followed your group from the very beginning and know what a difficult path this has been. For sure I'd take the 98% and run! Thanks for all your encouraging posts, wishing you the very very best  :smitten:
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98% is wonderful! Congratulations and wishing you a very happy life with joy and good health.

Thank you for coming back and give us some hope.  :smitten:

Love and healing

Vica

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I got tears reading this in my office.  How dare you write something to make my cry  I'm also not sorry to see you leave our little health fear club.      :smitten: :smitten:
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What a great success story.

Thanks so much for writing it and giving such hope to us all.

Wishing you all the best for your future!

Thanks again,

From Lib  :smitten:

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You did it, Coop.  Congratulations and be well.  Thank you for the times you've reached out to me and lifted me up.  You have earned the right to a beautiful life after a hard fought battle with sheer guts and inner strength as your only armor. 

 

Love, Sofa

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Great Coop, I too have tears in my eyes. Thank you for the support you have given over your time on here. I'm so glad you're 'done'.

 

:smitten:

 

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((((Coop))))

 

I'm just thrilled to read about your healing, you deserve this! It hasn't been an easy road but with the great support of your buddies and letting time and distraction help you, you did it.

 

Live your life, the one you can now enjoy, being benzo free and well!

 

PG  :smitten:

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Omygoodness....thank you for the lovely replies, they mean so much to me. This forum is the reason I even realized that ativan was making me sick. The support, encouragement and information found here is helping people all over the world withdraw from damaging drugs. I met so many lovely and fellow sufferers. Thank you to every single person who has responded to my posts and encouraged me along the way.

  I do believe we all recover from these harmful drugs....too many of us have to go through hell to get there and would fail without each other here....keep going and keep helping each other with unconditional compassion

              coop

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Congratulations Coop, wonderful news I am so happy for you.I have followed your posts because my most scary symptom has been heart related with palpitations ectopics  causing such anxiety ...chest pains or tightness from this scared me so much ...the thing about this forum is ..where people are alone and feeling desperate because this is so unbelievable to understand 'we all had someone ...we had people that listen cared answered and made us feel better ...others that had the same going on ...no one that isn't going through this or has been through it can never understand ...there is nothing to help or no one so this forum has saved so many of us ...helped us limp our way along and pulled us from some chaos ... they have limped along side by side and it's only fare to say that these are friends and the ones that set this forum up are angels ... I hope you have a great life now and send best wishes to you . I am into my 26th Month now ..feeling so much better but again in a wave with breathing ..tight abdo pressure ect and like you I have a Hiatus Hernia ...It affects more my left side but goes like a rock inside ...a hernia causes the vagus nerve to be Irritated and this causes palp's ect  which brings more anxiety ... during the windows we see how brilliant life was before this and when you are finally healed ...the brilliant life is back ...Blessings to you Coop and I hope you enjoy it all.                                                                                                                                                              Love Tassie.  :thumbsup:x
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Tassie. I had one of my worst waves right around month 27/28.....I did not have another one that deep at all after that. The hernia stuff caused me alot of anxiety too. Interesting about the vagus nerve. Just hold on...keep doing whatever you have been doing to get you this far....you are going to make it to the end.

  Thank you for your good wishes....wishing you some long wide open windows

                        coop

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Congratulations! I loved this success story and really needed the inspiration today! Nearing the 14 months off mark after years of polydrugging hell I am terrified that the misery is permanent at this point but your story gave me hope that even after long suffering recovery and happiness is still achievable. I hope you live a long and fabulous life full of laughter and joy  ❤️❤️❤️
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Wonderful to read this, Coop, I'm so thrilled for you.  I still remember very clearly during the days of Minnie's Head Pressure group, how rough things were for you back then, so this should be especially encouraging for all the current head pressure people to read.  :thumbsup:

 

Wishing you a life of good health, happiness, and laughter.  :smitten:

 

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