Obsessed by getting older

Hi,

 

Nobody likes getting older I know. But in wd I really don't like getting older (nearly 39 years old). It hurts when I read about people younger than me. Seeing people younger than me. It really HURTS! I keep thinking: in about 20 years I will turn 60! Years go by so fast. Is it jealousy, is it a vulnerable brain/mind? I keep thinking about where I am at this age. Difficult to explain...

Do you recognize this?

Acceptance. Dont resist reality

I actually felt some relief reading this because I could have written every word of your post myself. For me this has been one of the strangest symptoms of withdrawal. 

 

I am 44 so a little bit older than you. Withdrawal has made me hyper aware of my own mortality and I think about my age and all the time. I ruminate about how badly I would like to be my younger self and how quickly time goes by. I do all the things that you wrote about and more. And I really think it all goes back to the obsession with death that withdrawal has thrown me into. I'd love to hear from other s who are dealing with this.

Right on Simone!  I am 62 and the last year has made me aware of mortality and looking at life's choices, rumination, etc.  I believe somehow the withdrawal clears the mind and "wakes it up" in some weird way.  It is heartbreaking indeed.

Right on Simone!  I am 62 and the last year has made me aware of mortality and looking at life's choices, rumination, etc.  I believe somehow the withdrawal clears the mind and "wakes it up" in some weird way.  It is heartbreaking indeed.

 

I agree.. I'm 48 now.. Started benzos when I was almost 39 - started tapering when I was 46.. it was almost like a rip van winkle kind of experience.. Now, I believe I am "waking up" and having to re-create everything from scratch..  so glad i'm off of benzos though..

Everything everyone has described here has hit me like a meteor - in a way, it has been worse than almost all of the physical miseries. Combined with insomnia, the ferociously acute feelings of mortality are a horror show I hope never to experience again.

 

My One Year-Off Anniversary was June 18th, and I'm happy to say this has eased up in the last few months or so. I've already hit 66, but the weird part about the Rip van Winkle effect is that I felt as though I was only 35 and then suddenly hit my 65th birthday last year, whereas I 'only' lost eight years of my life to Ativan (including wd/recovery), not thirty years. If that makes sense.

 

It's just very weird that there are no time boundaries, and it's like being in some horrific SciFi dimension.

 

Thanks for bringing this up, Simone - it seems to hit most of us, at any age.

Acceptance. Dont resist reality

 

I guess this is where I am on the age thing.  I did (sort of) lose 30 years to benzodiazepines, but there's nothing I can do about it now.  It is what it is.  I'm grateful to be alive, feeling good again and able to function in life.    As Leslie, I'm also 66.

This is such a strange symptom. Getting older never bothered me until I withdrew from benzos. Never. Now I look at wrinkles and other signs of aging regularly. I'm find myself jealous of people who are younger than me simply because of their age. I really could go on and on about how this one symptom affects me but I think you get the picture.

 

I'd really like it to go away though and have some peace.

Bingo, Bongo...me too.  Its like those 7 - 10 years didn't even happen and all of the sudden I am so much older.  I keep thinking about this.  This is all so very strange.  How one type of drug can do so much to a person is absolutely mind-boggling.  I didn't worry about anything for ten years; now, I worry about everything.

 

Keep on keepin' on, I guess...

Wow, thanks for all your replies! I'm definitely not the only one thinking/obsessing lile this!

I hope when we are healed we all see things in a different perspective.

 

Simone

Everything on this thread resonates with me!  I keep thinking of it as the Rip van Winkle effect too!  I feel that I've woken up and have lost my entire adult life, even though I was only taking a benzo for seven years.  Before withdrawal, I would have said that I think I'm in the prime of my life (I'm 51), and I felt that I have decades of good years ahead.  Now I feel that my life is over and oddly, although I know I'll heal, I feel that I'm at the end of my life at death's door.  It's a deep-rooted feeling, not a belief or rational thought.  I've lost decades of memories, and it feels that the things I do remember happened to someone else. 

 

I tell myself I'll likely live for another 40 years, but that feels like poof!  nothing.  Last December before I cold turkeyed clonazepam, I was starting a new job and planning to get my master's.  Two weeks later, I stopped buying soap in bulk because I felt I was dying, and I became obsessed with trying to give away my possessions so my kids wouldn't be burdened by all the stuff. 

 

Although I can't remember huge chunks of my life in any kind of chronological, cohesive way, I'm haunted by random intrusive memories (mostly painful), and ruminating with looping obsessive thoughts, and nothing in my memories or my thoughts about the future feels grounded.  It feels like the framework that sorted out memory and time has been ripped out of my consciousness, and my perception of self is drowning in some kind of amorphous nightmarish void.  I know that sounds weird and melodramatic, but it's how this feels.  It's quite distressing. 

 

I have a theory.... I believe this results from several factors.  I think the iatragenic benzo injury affects the way our brain perceives and measures time.  We also know that there is injury to the hippocampus, so our memories are really distorted.  Combine that with DP/DR that turns our perceptions of self and other upside down, and we end up with a really warped interpretation of our lives and our memories.

 

I'm kind of encouraged to know that you guys feel the same way - I think that's an indication this is another withdrawal symptom and will go away in time. 

 

I hope that as we heal, our memories will re-integrate and our lives will appear more normal to us again.  I'd love to hear from people who have healed on this subject.  Constantly feeling that I'm at the end of my life is painful and frightening. 

 

 

I feel the same exact way.  I have been telling myself I will be healed in 2 years. I'm almost 1 year off. I'll be edging 40 by then. Benzos have completely stole my 30s. My prime. Before this mess I was good looking young man with a bright career ahead of me. I was  a musician and rising star. I look at old articles of myself and look at my picture and I look like a 25 years old. Since benzos I have lost so much hair, I recently had to shave my head. I look bald now, I can't believe it I don't want anyone to even see me anymore without a hat.. I went from looking 25 to looking 50! And lost a career that I had in the bag in my musical prime. It's devastating.

 

I have been taking care of myself and working out a lot, so I know when I heal I might possibly look good. Completely different, bald, and  not the charming young man I was, however.

 

It makes me sad because I almost accheived my life long dream, but benzos destroyed it for me. Now I'll just have to age gracefully.

 

All we can tell ourselves is that if we take al the positives that going through this pain has giving us, we will have a new appreciation for life that will be so beautiful regardless of our age. I know I'm already a better person on the inside. We will be rewarded for staying strong and making it through this with our hearts still intact, I'm sure of it.

i can totally relate. i too feel like i will "only" live a little bit longer and then die. even if it's 20 or 30 years more, i believe it will go by fast and be over soon. when i am suffering, it is a consolation to me... other times it makes me feel confused as to why is it this way, why does everyone have to die? and then other times i feel sad about it because i want to live...

 

it does get better though. a few months ago, seeing pictures of my kids when they were younger would make me feel a sorrow i've never felt before, and i would cry and cry as if they had died and been lost forever. now, i can look at those pictures and feel more normal and be thankful they are still alive and growing. it's crazy how w/d affects our emotions and our perspective on things.

Teegirl, I do the same thing... cry over my children's lives.  I feel that their lives were lost along with mine!  I'm so happy to know that this feeling is fading for you.  When I was in acute, I found myself projecting my feelings of terror onto my kids.  It felt so real to me, it really felt to me that everyone must be feeling this despair and "end of the world" feeling.  I caught myself in that fairly early, thank goodness, and managed to keep a lid on it.  I quickly learned in acute that whatever was going on in my head was NOT reality...  the world is still beautiful and full of goodness and love - others can experience that, and we will again soon too.

 

PushtheFeeling, you know, I truly believe that when you've healed, you'll feel like a young man again - which you are!  You're absolutely right - we'll be better people for having gone through this.  Your dreams and musical career are still there waiting for you - it isn't over, it's just beginning.  You'll probably find a new depth to your creativity too that will be waiting to be explored.  Our lives are still there, we're just not able to perceive it right now. 

Oh, wow, it never occurred to me other people might be going through this, too.  And I feel like benzos stole the last 10 years of my life.  I'm 53. I know exactly what you mean. Obsessive thoughts about how old I am and how much of my life is past, etc.    I do think this will pass, though, just part of the ultra weirdness of withdrawal. I actually plan on going back to school when I'm feeling better.

Yep, all of this, what everyone is posting, I have felt also. I like the term "Rip Van Winkle effect" cause that's exactly how I feel.  I think this is part depersonalization too.  That feeling when you don't feel that you are the one who has been living the last x years, and you feel like you just got here, but you know that it's not true, the memories are just all distorted. 

Yep, all of this, what everyone is posting, I have felt also. I like the term "Rip Van Winkle effect" cause that's exactly how I feel.  I think this is part depersonalization too.  That feeling when you don't feel that you are the one who has been living the last x years, and you feel like you just got here, but you know that it's not true, the memories are just all distorted.

 

 

Yes, feels like I just woke up from a 10 year coma. So weird.  And my kids are flying the coop slowly so that makes it worse.

Yep, all of this, what everyone is posting, I have felt also. I like the term "Rip Van Winkle effect" cause that's exactly how I feel.  I think this is part depersonalization too.  That feeling when you don't feel that you are the one who has been living the last x years, and you feel like you just got here, but you know that it's not true, the memories are just all distorted.

 

 

Yes, feels like I just woke up from a 10 year coma. So weird.  And my kids are flying the coop slowly so that makes it worse.

 

Yeah, me too AF1.  My two older kids are gone - I feel like I've woken up and my babies are gone, and I don't know what happened to my life.    :'(

I see almost everyone posting here is a longish term user.  I was an extremely short term user who was dependent after 11 days of 1mg Ativan a day. 

 

Interestingly, I have felt these feelings too.  I feel like I wasted so much time by not doing the work I now MUST do to get better.  I have to be careful or my mind starts down a path of despair and self-loathing over time that has been wasted.  This causes depression and saps my desire and positivity.  I have also looked at my son and despaired over not making the most of opportunities although others who observe our family call me a great dad. 

 

I don't have the rip van winkle thing as much as a strong sense of despair about opportunities lost that are all caught up in regret about poor decisions in certain circumstances.  It's a negative feedback loop that does no good to dwell on and our collective mental health means we need to use techniques to help modify our behavior to deal with it.  Cognitive Behavioral Therapy has been helpful to me.  Acceptance in the moment has been helpful to me.

 

The thing I have been trying hard to do is to simply acknowledge those feelings and understand them for what they are, and then try to move on from them.  Those melancholy feelings and thoughts only cause despair and right now and forevermore they are mostly irrelevant.  The only relevant thing is trying to gain wisdom from our experience and apply it in the future.  I feel like I have gained and continue to gain an incredible amount of wisdom about not taking health for granted and not focusing on things that aren't important but alternatively appreciating things that are. I've learned about diet and why good sleep patterns are important and a whole host of practical aids to healthy living. Already, even though I'm suffering alot right now, I know I'm a better husband and father for what I'm going through.  I'm kinder, I'm more sensitive and I'm more appreciative.  I'm 48 years old.  If I'm lucky, there is lots of life left.  I hope and pray and believe we will all get to a better place.

 

Blessings and good energy to you all.     

PushtheFeeling, you know, I truly believe that when you've healed, you'll feel like a young man again - which you are!  You're absolutely right - we'll be better people for having gone through this.  Your dreams and musical career are still there waiting for you - it isn't over, it's just beginning.  You'll probably find a new depth to your creativity too that will be waiting to be explored.  Our lives are still there, we're just not able to perceive it right now.

 

 

Thank you so much. Beautiful. 

yes.. best years of life gone.. im 51. no kids. didn't stick w one career etc lots of regrets esp w bad relationships..i though it was all midlife crisis. also been a smoker (even though i was athletic eat good etc) and lost parents to LungC which i had to watch at home and help mom. 1st time ever seeing death.any dead body. health anxiety!

17 mo off and unsure what to do w life now, stay in MI, w bf, etc...and no confidence.

dont know what to do.

most days (more recently) i mentally struggle w spikes  of worry n bad thoughts

Hi all,

 

I started this thread more than a month ago and I wonder if more people here on BB are experiencing  the same?

 

It's so hard to believe that this is withdrawal because all these thoughts feel so real!

I want to start a new study but it's like my brain says: why should you?

Maybe I have 40 or 45 years ahead of me, but when I say this myself out loud it feels like maybe 4 years or something....what is this???

And when I see older people or my own parents I think: how could they be so happy and carefree? They have just a short time ahead!!!

 

 

And when I see people my own age I start comparing obsessively....where are they at this age? what clothes are they wearing? how do they look in general?

 

And when I see older people or my own parents I think: how could they be so happy and carefree? They have just a short time ahead!!!

 

 

And when I see people my own age I start comparing obsessively....where are they at this age? what clothes are they wearing? how do they look in general?

 

 

I think THE SAME EXACT THOUGHTS.

 

 

So wild!

 

 

Almost laughable.

 

 

Just imagine, one day we won't have these thoughts! What a day that will be! 

Yes! Thank you for posting about this. I'm 44 and suddenly obsessing about aging. Before withdrawal it didn't bother me. It certainly doesn't help that it feels like I've physically aged 20 years in the last year alone. I look like a completely different person. I know that partly it's due to my entire body being sick for so long from withdrawals that I feel like I'm dying. I look in the mirror and all I can see is pain, suffering, decay and death. It's impossible to feel good about yourself during this. I hope we all come out of this feeling much differently. Everyone keeps saying this is temporary but it feel so overwhelmingly permanent.