Lost it all

I've lost everything. I am a single parent to one son and we live with my elderly mother. I have no hope of working now. Before this, I was one semester from graduating with my masters' degree-enroute to a secure future for my son. Now, I'm contemplating the end. What good am I if I cannot parent him? I stay in my room apart from them as they carry out normal lives. I cannot bring comfort to my son because of my state of mind. I'm always agitated and fearful. I see no end and no getting better; no "we all heal"....

I feel the same way, but I know my kids would rather have me here in my room than not have me at all.. I just lost my dad last April we are NEVER ready to lose our parents if you ask me. And he wasn't always very fun lol.

Thank you Meems...I'm sorry about your dad. I lost mine in 2007, a brother in 2006 and oldest brother in 2016...so all I have left are my mom, son and a sister...It's so hard. I'm here in body for my son but can't be the parent I want...I think he's put up a protective wall with it anyway...gets very angry

I know that feeling- I came out of rehab after being on benzos for over 10 yrs. At the end I was taking 6-7mg a day and taking valium on top of that, not to mention the other meds I was on! Crawling out of that fog is tough, even tougher when you have children to care for. I missed my daughter's 4th B-day while rapidly detoxing and going through psychosis in a treatment center. When I got out I was a wreck. I didn't know how to relate to life, or my daughter. I felt so guilty for feeling like I was now a different daddy; the same face but a different man. I was very physically weak, mentally damaged, we lost our house, I was unemployed, in debt, car on its last leg, now needed an EBT card, and all this from a guy who used to be a decently vibrant middle school teacher able to provide.

I know it can suck. It can be really really really tough. Your kid is getting thier mom back, slowly. Please don't end it. It gets better, I promise. You'll be so much stronger from going through this, as if nothing can stop you because you've already experienced hell and most all other life trials pale in comparison to what we go through. Hang in there and keep on trucking!!

Hardtocope, my nightmare started 5.5 years ago with a bad reaction to a one off sleeping med for insomnia which led to other polydrugging as "a sleeping med couldn't cause that reaction, it must be me" I lost over 5 years trying to find answers to why I was suddenly trapped in a permanent state of fear and terror only to taper myself off of everything a year ago after I ended up in hospital for a month with dangerous kidney infections and overall deterioration. I went from being a confident business owner, mum, wife and life of the party to a bedridden mess, I lost valuable years of my children's lives and although I'm still no where near healed I'm 1000 x better than I was on these drugs, I'm slowly able to enjoy my family again, laugh again, love again and for the first time I'm able to have hope that I have a future. I promise things to get better, I too am angry for all the years I've lost but I least know what was causing my misery all that time. You will return again, that person is still alive in there, unfortunately you've just been put on pause whilst your brain try's to heal, trust me I know how bad the terror feels, I literally thought I had been possessed by evil as I couldn't comprehend how anyone could feel this permanent state of fear- it does ease and mine is just at a level of "uncomfortable" and only some days, I work again (part time) and have even caught up with friends again, I never thought that would be possible! Don't give up, life is waiting for you and you will live again!

I've lost everything. I am a single parent to one son and we live with my elderly mother. I have no hope of working now. Before this, I was one semester from graduating with my masters' degree-enroute to a secure future for my son. Now, I'm contemplating the end. What good am I if I cannot parent him? I stay in my room apart from them as they carry out normal lives. I cannot bring comfort to my son because of my state of mind. I'm always agitated and fearful. I see no end and no getting better; no "we all heal"....

 

Hello hardtocope,

 

There is always HOPE!!! Listen, you are very new off two drugs, drugs that make significant changes to the nervous system.  What you are going through, unfortunately for some of us, is common.  I'm sorry for all your losses, but don't even think about adding one more. Your son needs you, whether it's just knowing you are there or later when you are well, being an integral part of his life. 

 

Children are very resilient and from what I've read from other moms here on the forum, kids will accept their parents no matter what condition they are in. Just your presence there is important. 

 

You are still able to regain things you have lost. Once you are recovered, that can start. I've seen many people come through withdrawal and building their lives up again.  I was 60 when I jumped off benzos and I knew I had a lot of life left to live. There was no way I was going to let the benzo beast win.  Although you can't regain what is lost during benzo withdrawal, you can forge a new future for yourself and your son. It is well worth the effort.

 

pianogirl 

Thank you so much pianogirl for the words of encouragement...I was ready to throw in the towel and succumb to this...still a daily battle but thank you

Yup, I here what you are talking about. That's a hell of a place to be. I could hand you a few canned answers but truth is, I got nothing. My family is all gone, never had kids and lost my career, have no fond memories, poor as a church mouse and pretty much SOL. My brother took his life at age 59 and now I'm at 59 and would also prefer not to be 60. But that's just me. I'm in my 10th month off of Klonopin and depressed as hell. But then depression has a lifetime thing. I would hope somehow you can find peace within yourself. For what it's worth, it matters to me - I would hope it does to your son. Whatever mistakes I've made in life - more than my share, I figure there is no 'judgement day' - in fact that's one notion I just don't buy into. I do tend to worry about, well, every damn thing . . . but that. Peace out . . .

Thank you Catt02...I wish you felt better yourself. I, too, had a brother take his own life so I understand. That anniversary is nearing. This is something so new to me as just one year ago, I was fine and thriving in life. Now, I feel I've been thrust into a hellish nightmare; one whereine there is no map or guide to climb out..

This drug is so evil...a silent assassin.  It makes people live through hell and takes everything in the process.  I feel like it pushes people to suicide.  Most of us are strong enough to fight against this, but just logically, I know everyone doesn't make it. 

 

When I got out of the Navy, I was a superstar.  I was considered the best at my job in entire Navy, got a 6 figure job...bought a house, got a dog, got a nice car...and set up a new primary care physician. During my very first appointment, I confessed that I hadn't felt right...so he gave me the magic solution:  drug addiction!  Before Klonopin I had been to the hospital twice in my entire life.  Since the nightmare began, I've been there at least half a dozen times.

 

I lost my job.  I lost my house.  I lost my car.  I'm filing for bankruptcy.  And just so the universe could run the table, my dog got hit by a car while I was in detox...fighting to get better for him.  I know this happens to so many people.  It sucks the life out of you...it turns life into a colorless, joyless, terrifying place that you're forced to endure, but can never enjoy.

 

I'm so sorry for anyone who has suffered as I have suffered.  No matter how bad my situation is though, I keep my head up and have faith that once I completely defeat this addiction, I will actually be able to enjoy my life.  I'm so tired of being isolated and dead inside.  I can't believe this happened to me.

I'm sorry Seanoficeandfire...I can so relate...I was in grad school; one semester from graduating-on my way to a more financially secure life for my son then this-my descent into hell. I'm 7 months out and still no better. I've lost so much; costing my mother who is 79 to have to care for both me and my son. I can't drive or work...just everything gone. I pray to get back too but I worry I'm not strong enough.

So sorry to read of all these losses.

So sorry for your losses, hardtocope. The slow, insidious nature of this class of Rx drugs is astonishing. Even those that think that are in the know really don't know. As I wrote on another thread, "You have to live it to believe it".

Thank you RxDamaged and Loraz...just devastated...hard to go on like this

Your son needs you no matter how disabled you feel or are right now. It would haunt him forever if you were gone, but the two of you can look back together on the time you were sick and build a future. You WILL have a future. Plenty of sick parents still have kids that turn out well. The most important thing is that you love him. I am sure that part is done. You can go back to school when you are well enough. School will always be there, or another job to secure a future. Life can change in an instant. We heal. Hang in there. I was sick as a dog for most of 2017. I was poisoned by an antibiotic and then developed benzo wd after only 6 weeks of usage. I am still tapering, but my mood is improving. I would have never believed my hell could lift a few weeks ago. It can for you too.

Glad your mood is improving, newgrl.

 

hardtocope, my heart goes out to you.  I hope you feel better soon.  Hang in there.  Hug.

Thank you newgrl and RxDamaged....Yes, I try to be there for him but there is something so odd with these symptoms; they just keep me all crazy...I hate this..I really do. I tell him how much I love him and that hopefully one day I'll be like I was before...It bothers him but he doesn't say so...My deepest regret is how it's affected him..I want for him a bright future...We were on our way before this...just so much regret.

Regret happens in the waves of depression. When it lifts, you will see yourself compassionately and you will make the most of the renewed life you will be given. You will survive this and he will too. Children are incredibly resilient. Love is the foundation for their resilience.

I regret every day trusting my former doctor.  That regret is real tough.   

Rx, I have felt that too, but I also know that there is something for me to learn in this journey. I will not take the regret with me. I plan to take compassion and eventually a deepened love for life. I will leave regret with all my other symptoms...one day

Thank you both for kind responses....

This drug is so evil...a silent assassin.  It makes people live through hell and takes everything in the process.  I feel like it pushes people to suicide.  Most of us are strong enough to fight against this, but just logically, I know everyone doesn't make it. 

 

When I got out of the Navy, I was a superstar.  I was considered the best at my job in entire Navy, got a 6 figure job...bought a house, got a dog, got a nice car...and set up a new primary care physician. During my very first appointment, I confessed that I hadn't felt right...so he gave me the magic solution:  drug addiction!  Before Klonopin I had been to the hospital twice in my entire life.  Since the nightmare began, I've been there at least half a dozen times.

 

I lost my job.  I lost my house.  I lost my car.  I'm filing for bankruptcy.  And just so the universe could run the table, my dog got hit by a car while I was in detox...fighting to get better for him.  I know this happens to so many people.  It sucks the life out of you...it turns life into a colorless, joyless, terrifying place that you're forced to endure, but can never enjoy.

 

I'm so sorry for anyone who has suffered as I have suffered.  No matter how bad my situation is though, I keep my head up and have faith that once I completely defeat this addiction, I will actually be able to enjoy my life.  I'm so tired of being isolated and dead inside.  I can't believe this happened to me.

 

You described it so well. 6mg/day - 4 years?? The is a hell of a lot to be coming off of. So sorry about your dog - I know how it is with pets - that's when I become dangerously depressed. Klonopin is hideous and insidious and it's all we can do just to hang in there, day to day. Almost daily do I 'decide' it's the end - yet here another day. I don't consider myself to be a tough guy and I honestly do not know how I've gotten this far. But being on here - numerous times has made the difference as to whether I can come back from the brink or not. You guys really understand and care - which means a great deal to me.

I feel the same way. Every day I awaken, I feel like I'm ready to give up to this madness; fall into the abyss of insanity then the day ends and another begins. I so want to see the end of this...