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Recover's 1 year off the benzo story


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Hey buddies,

 

wow, it has been one year since I managed to get off these nasty benzos. My drama began when I was given my very first dose of levaquin, this nasty and i mean nasty antibiotic really did a number on my system. I use to always be into lifting and bodybuilding and the levaquin changed all of that right away. 8 months passed since i took my first levaquin and then I had the most horrible WDs that were mind boggling, for 2 weeks straight i had blurry vision, not able to sleep, had nasty gi pains, everything was just going nuts.

 

I again was given the very same antibiotic and then all of sudden my whole body went numb right away and I figured that I had a seizure, my abdomens were raging in super pain and my body temp went from real hot to real cold in a matter of seconds. I knew that something was up and I had some surprise that I didn't wanna deal with coming up.

 

I went to ER and I pleaded my case and told em what i was taking and they ignored me, i was not validated and all my words fell on deaf ears.

 

I went and saw my doc and he said that my problem is that I have anxiety problems and right off the bat he gave me 4 mg ativan and told me to take it as long as i want.

 

I never, ever was an addict, I actually hated addicts all my life and lived that " I'm clean for life" campaign.

 

 

So, I took my first 2 mg ativan pill and my brain started to get woozy at first, I felt like I was drunk and my comprehension of things was instantly starting to fade. I use to love my beer here and there and these pills made me feel out of touch with life . These pills were taken because I figured that maybe I did have anxiety issue ( never knowing that the levaquin was the monster that ripped me).

 

I was taking this nasty drug to help myself from having such anxiety issues, I never knew that it was just the beginning of a hell that no one really wants to face. After the few ativan pills were taken, I got a new jar with 60  (2) mg pills and was set on a new path that was very hard to endure.

 

A month passes and out of no where I start getting major paranoia, and that was very odd and new to me. All my life I have the motto " I'f you like, love me, great...I'll be there for you"    If not, then O ' well ...your loss and never mine.

 

I started feeling scared inside my own room that I had lived in for a very very very longtime. When the night time would come around this was when i was scared the most, i'd go to my mom and tell her that something has changed,I told her that I am shaking and very scared when I am alone in my room.

 

She told me if i had taken my pills or not, I said yes I took them. She told me that I needed to keep taking them to keep getting better. I didnt argue with my mother because she was a long term benzo user and she honestly didnt know what she was saying and I knew that she just didn't know any better.

 

I told her that I needed to get off these pills, I told her that I know something is wrong with me and these pills are causing it.

 

I was having some pretty horrible wds and tolerance issues right off the bat and I knew that it was the pills that were the enemy here.

 

now, its more than a month and a half and almost 2 months, I told myself that i shall do all i can to get off these meds and all costs.

 

The very first thing that I did was cut my 4 mg into 2 mg overnight. This was not the right thing to do but I didn't know any better. After reading about the deaths of some actors that took these meds, I knew that I valued my life and didn't want to have the same situation.

 

It was oct 31 2008, I was ready to go to the supermarket to get some candy and some food. There was a huge and i mean huge never ending line of cars that stretched for miles and it was a huge jam everywhere you looked.  Just by looking at the traffic jam i was getting paranoid and didn't even want to be in my own car, my own car was scaring me and i was shaking.

 

I never had this type of issues but the benzos had damaged me long enough and now i was too scared to even sit in my own car. I got in my car and drove not even 5 mins down my street to the supermarket and was feeling scared and felt like i was gonna have my  heart jump out my chest. It was that bad. I luckily made it to the market and I ran in there as fast as I could and was so scared at that I grabbed my stuff and ran out of there in 3 mins.

 

This ordeal was destroying was so I wanted to get some support and see how I could get off this nasty med. I don't remember exactly what i typed into google, but it lead me to this forum. I signed up and read all of the stories that people had shared and was like "wow, I am not alone and there is possibly some hope for me here".

 

You see, I was pressured by my folks to get on 6-8mg and keep remaining on the pills. I come from the hard knocks life folks, I got my tinnitus at the age of 12 and it has stayed with me all my life.  I got vertigo at 12-13 and had it for 1 month and had to go to school dizzy and humiliated.

 

my mom and dad were angry at me because I was voicing out my problem and they said that I needed to remain on the ativan to live a normal life. The reason why i stsyed with these 2 people was hecause i was their sole caregiver and they both have had heart attacks and lots of problems and i was the only one to pick up the pieces and make sure that they live and have someone there when they needed it.

 

All my life i was the superman, the hero that was there when they both were ill and sick, but now I was ill and sick. My super status was gone and i was an addict that was scared of my own shadow and i was scared of life for once.

 

I started reading the posts here on BB, my first encounter was with a former mod LORI, she was able to tell me that things are gonna be ok and she explained the taper and its schedule to me. I listened to her and went out and got a pill cutter and began doing a dry cut taper.

 

CAL was another sweetie that was there for me in my early stages, she had her own bouts with the benzos and was tapering and was spreading her knowledge on what she was facing as well.

 

Patty seemed very interesting to me because of her issues that she had with the levaquin as well, her knowledge and support was very crucial to my success, my withdrawls and issues were just like hers and both of us were very shaken up by the levaquin and then the benzos.

 

 

I began reading more and more posts on this forum and started feel encouraged and was thinking that I can taper and get off these nasty little pills.  I was having a smooth taper most of the time but i also did have the very withdrawls that all of you have or had.

 

I remember how my face and arms would feel numb for 4 hours on some days and i'd just laught it off, I knew that i was going to win and not let the wds ruin my spirit. I had horrible dreams and very intrusive thoughts, things were under a microscope, I cared about things that i never cared about. I was very sensitive to light, noise and my enviornment.

 

I had a very hard time remembering things, I was so bad that I had to use my business whiteboard, took off all my business nots from it and made a taper schedule and put a checkmark after each pill I took. I use to forget all the time if i had taken my doses or not.

 

I had tons of GI issues, bloading, and pain that was just very hard to handle and live with.

 

I had blurry vision and lots of eye problems that were also very hard to live with.

 

I spent thanksgiving till march of next year practically sick and in bed for those months, my immune system was toast and I was sick and had a cold of a flu for all those months. My holidays were destroyed and I was begging God to heal me and let me live my life again.

 

My sleep was destroyed, i had some great sleep while on the ativan but when day 10 of my .125 hit, i got my first dose of no sleep hell and did my first 30 hours of no sleep which was soon followed by some awful sleep issues that im sure you can find in the insomnia section.

 

 

As I went through all of these madness one of my heros well I have 2 honestly. First of all Tropical soul was my idol, because this sweet lady CT off such an incredible amount of benzos and her blog and survival really touched me and inspired me. I read every single page on her blog and it was like she was speaking to me directly. She gave me such strength by showing her strength in her battle with survival.

 

Another very wonderful woman that I could litterally hug forever :) is Wonderwoman. This gal is one tough cookie, she puts on such a smile while she has some nasty WDs that affect her on a daily basis, she has the winning edge and never let benzos take control of her life. She was so so inspirational to me and showed me strength that I never thought was possible.

 

So, basically, all i'm saying is that I had all the issues YOU had and it was hard to endure such pain. I stayed with my course, and followd the taper plan that LORI had made for me and just hung in there.

 

Finally feb 24 09 hit and i was free from the benzos, I was so proud of myself for loving myself and beating the odds of life again. I am stubborn and wanted to get well at all costs and was not gonna ever give up.

 

My biggest issue right off the bat was sleep issues. I began using tylenol pm on a daily basis for 30-45 days from .125 till i was done with the benzos. This was a huge mistake, please save yourself my sleep horrors and do not take these sleep meds on daily basis. I was sleeping 1-2 hours a day for the first 30-50 days off the benzos. I had back to back 40 hours of no sleep and almost took a benzo to sleep again.

 

I got off the sleepaids and i started to feel better in time. I remember asking tropical and Eljay to assure me that i will sleep again one day and they stuck with me.

 

Another problem that was huge for me was body temp fluctuations, i'd feel that my body was hot when in reality i had no temperature or fever. This was a problems for me for a good while and that little pest went away finally.

 

Gi problems were also huge for me, they would ruin my appetite for the foods that i loved to eat.

 

 

Well today is very different from the past, I eat anything I like. My Wds are practically gone, i live on 98% healing and I live life on my term.

 

I take a multi vit of centrum daily and I take 2 ,000 mg C and D as well with fish oil.  Lemme tell you folks something, being on the benzos really depletes your body from its natural vitamins, especially vit D. Please get your vit levels measured by a doctor and remain healthy.

 

I also wanted to point out that while i was on the benzos I always thought that something was wrong with me, my mental obsession was huge and I know how ALL of you people feel. Please try to relax and know that the benzos are causing these wds and you shall beat it and be fine.

 

 

I found that having light carbs and turkey was an excellent way to get some sleep come my way when i had trouble with sleeping. Getting off and staying off the sleepaids was the second best thing I ever did, beating benzos is number one of course.

 

 

This post was long because I really wanted to share my story with you people that suffer, and need hope. Don't ever lose hope my friends, you can beat the benzos and you will regain your life again.

 

I want to thank Colin for creating this place and for putting up with me, I respect you dood and thanks again!

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GOOD JOB J- :thumbsup::yippee: ...It made me cry reading this because I remember this year too and it brings back a lot of memories. :mybuddy: I think this is what makes BB great is that we make friends from strangers who are sharing our troubles and our SUCCESSES!. :yippee:  And of course our love of giant burritos. :D

 

Love ya Buddy, so glad you posted your story. :smitten::yippee:

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One little thing Recover forgot to mention was how much he helped others during his taper and for quite some time was a moderator here.  During Christmas  holidays 2008 we were practically the only moderators here.  :D

 

Seeing what all you were going through while you were taking the time to reach out to your fellow-suffers speaks volumns about your character.  Great to learn that you are feeling so much better now.  ;D

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It was great to read your success story James.  I remember coming here in late summer of 2009, and at that point you were still battling through all this...and now.....after some time has passed..totally recovered.... :)

 

Glad to hear you made it through to the other side... :)

 

TC

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James - I am so thrilled you are almost there - not long now and youll be 100% healed.  I remember being in chat with you one day when I was really low and you pepped me up and kept me going - so you gave as well as received as seems to be the case here with most people.  It does show your strength of character - your a special human being

Spring :smitten:

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  • 1 month later...

Congratulations to you (belated, I'm sorry)

 

Your story gives me alot of hope that sleep will one day get better! Thank you for all the support.

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