A good night

Last night I slept. Maybe not 8 hours, but at least 6.5. I feel good today. Actually, I have felt somewhat on the euphoric side all week. I'm still at 3/4 of a 0.5 mg clonazepam  midway through week two.  The weird lights in my eyes have mostly gone away. My ears are still ringing. Last night, it sounded like a train horn was stuck. My plan is to cut back on Sunday to either .25 mg or a bit above. I weigh the cut pills on a scale and have been taking .168 grams this last week and a half.

I've been walking for 30 to 40 minutes every day. Some days I want to snuggle under the covers and not get up, but I do anyway.  I just realized I might have agoraphobia for the last 10 years of my 17+ years on benzos. I used to walk around the neighborhood and stopped. I got a treadmill and hated that, so now I walk around the house, reading a book. I also stay away from crowded restaurants. I really prefer not go go anywhere, but I can't be a recluse, so I get out. My husband no longer drives beings he has Alzheimer's, so I'm it. I look back over the years and see the changes in me, but I had no idea why. The constant fatigue, not wanting to walk around the neighborhood. Sitting on the front porch late at night, so no one would see me out there. My behavior has become so different from what it was before. I was never a social butterfly, but what's going on with me is definitely a change. I hope the former me comes back after I kick this benzo habit.

Empowering post!  :thumbsup:

So happy that you are doing well, enjoy the windows and power through the waves. But the windows are a preview of what's to come as soon as you are benzo free and healed. 

 

I too noticed many changes to my behavior over many years on Xanax; I only really noticed it once I tapered and jumped. Getting our lives back is not an overstatement, everything gets better after recovery, especially human interaction. 

 

Keep up the good work! 

 

Wilson 

Hi Wilson, I don't know if you are still around, but I'll reply to this anyway. I have had my high roads and low roads, but last night, since my jump, I slept six hours straight, woke up and went back to sleep for another hour.  I needed that!  My other symptoms are becoming less and less, some have disappeared, some have gotten less, some came back  , but then went away again. Last night I watched a new? series called Better Late Than Never and laughed a lot! I knew from other times, that laughing before bed, helps with sleep, but there's not a lot on TV that does that for me. Anyway, I am surviving this in spite of it all.

Thanks for your ideas and suggestions when I was so down and out. 

I hope you are doing well.

Nightengale,

 

That's wonderful that you've had some better sleep and your spirits are up! The agoraphobia is understandable. It's very responsive to exposure therapy so you don't have to stay this way. Gradually approach what causes you anxiety with baby steps-spend more time on your porch, walk 2-5 minutes away from your house until you master it, then go a little further. It gets better.

 

MT

badsocref..thanks! I apologize for never responding back! I always appreciate the feedback give to me. Everything helps!

Mtfan, I do take my husband and dog to the park now and then for a walk. They are building a new addition to the rec center and if I see workers out, I refuse to walk in that direction. It is crazy! I do go to the grocery store and Costco, but have not been to the mall in almost a year. It doesn't help that the close ones are gone and the drive to the mall is now 30 minutes instead of 5.

Encouraging posts....but still hard to think that sleep will get better. 

 

MT - my doctor put me on Bio-Identical progesterone last month (lack of progesterone)  I thought for sure this would help me sleep.  Nope!!! 

 

I never get sleepy or tired.  Just wired and awake.  Feel awful during the day because of lack of sleep. 

 

Been off Klonopin 6 months (after 7 years) and Amitriptyline , still tapering ( on 7 years).  Will sleep come back?

 

Thank you everyone for all of your support.

Encouraging posts....but still hard to think that sleep will get better. 

 

MT - my doctor put me on Bio-Identical progesterone last month (lack of progesterone)  I thought for sure this would help me sleep.  Nope!!! 

 

I never get sleepy or tired.  Just wired and awake.  Feel awful during the day because of lack of sleep. 

 

Been off Klonopin 6 months (after 7 years) and Amitriptyline , still tapering ( on 7 years).  Will sleep come back?

 

Thank you everyone for all of your support.

 

Yes Runnergirl, your sleep will return. It can take a long time, but it will come back. I still have bad nights from time to time, but I also have nice strings of normal 8 hour nights as well. Deep sleep has also returned after all that REM sleep. You are not broken, just damaged, but healing.

 

Mtfan, I do take my husband and dog to the park now and then for a walk. They are building a new addition to the rec center and if I see workers out, I refuse to walk in that direction. It is crazy! I do go to the grocery store and Costco, but have not been to the mall in almost a year. It doesn't help that the close ones are gone and the drive to the mall is now 30 minutes instead of 5.

 

That's great you're getting out some. Keep pushing yourself. You might find this on exposure therapy helpful: https://www.calmclinic.com/anxiety/treatment/exposure-therapy

 

Once you discover for yourself how the secret to freedom is going towards what you fear, it's revolutionary and life changing.

Thank you Alohafromhawaii and everyone else who posted.  I did think about how sleep use to be in the beginning....mostly zero sleep, but it has gotten somewhat better. Still, cannot fall asleep quickly...and it never feels like sleep. Also, waking up early 4:00 a.m.

 

Plus, I am still tapering off of Amitriptyline ( after 7 years)....I cut (with scissors) my 10 mg. pill every 2 weeks.  So, I have a double whamy....but I have seen success stories here ...

 

We all will heal....we have to....our brain is not permanently damaged...it just needs to heal.

 

Keep positive thoughts, everyone

 

Taking Omega 3, Vitamin C and D and melatonin once in a while.  Going to work out now...

 

Happy New Year everyone

It is so rough when we can't sleep. Last night I went right to sleep for one hour. That was it, as far as I can tell, as I had racing thoughts, tossed and turned, kept getting up to go to the bathroom. I feel so fidigity.  I have an appointment for a blood draw at my PCP's this morning, so I'm just drinking a cup of hot water. meh

The tinnitus is raging. I want to be past this...

I know that it is really tough Nightengle, but it will get better. The process seems to take forever, but some decent windows will pop up along the way. Try not to get too down in the meantime. Each bad night brings you one night closer to getting over all of this.

It is horrible when we cannot sleep.  You just lay there and ........hope that it is morning!!!!

 

This is to all of the women out there....in Menapause.  Has anyone gone on bio-identical progesterone?  Well, I was put on it last month, because my progesterone levels were bottomed out.  To make a long story short, I google progesterone and benzo withdrawal.  .....and progesterone has a metabolit that has powerful anti-seizure properties comparable to Benzo's.......Wow!!!!!    I am really learning a lot!  So now, I will not take Progesterone....You think the Endocronogist should have known this as I told her my story about Withdrawing from Clonzapam.  So now when I go back to see her this month, I will be informing her!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

 

I have come to realize, Doctor's know nothing about coming off medications!!!!  They are only good at putting you on medications!

 

No more for me!!!

It is so rough when we can't sleep. Last night I went right to sleep for one hour. That was it, as far as I can tell, as I had racing thoughts, tossed and turned, kept getting up to go to the bathroom. I feel so fidigity.  I have an appointment for a blood draw at my PCP's this morning, so I'm just drinking a cup of hot water. meh

The tinnitus is raging. I want to be past this...

 

Hi nightengale,

 

You are still very early on in the WD process.  Things will take time to sort out in the sleep department.  As Aloha said, it will get better.  I slept from 9:00 to 3:40 am last night and then was wide awake. but still got a good six hours or more. Getting a decent amount of sleep each night causes your other symptoms to decrease too and makes life livable and enjoyable.  The tinnitus will fade too over time.  However, it most likely will be on your time frame for recovery.  Rarely anything with recovery ever is.

I can only hope this is a bottoming out phase. I do feel like I might be dying. The head pressure was a bit overwhelming last night. I also feel so demented, I won't even share what happened the day before yesterday. The last two days I walked for 30 minutes and jogged some. I hope this is helping my brain.

My 9 yo granddaughter was here yesterday and innocently asked if "one day" she could have the salt and pepper grinders we used for lunch. She decided the pepper was fresher if it was ground up, rather than sitting in a can already ground. She tried to back track about my being gone and was sure it would not be for a long time. ha. I told her that indeed she could have the salt and pepper grinders when I no longer needed them.

She and I had a tea party, but by mid afternoon, I could only sit on the sofa and try to keep my eyes open. I was not very good company for her, but she kept happily chattering.

Thanks everyone for the helpful comments. I do appreciate hearing from everyone.

 

 

I can only hope this is a bottoming out phase. I do feel like I might be dying. The head pressure was a bit overwhelming last night. I also feel so demented, I won't even share what happened the day before yesterday. The last two days I walked for 30 minutes and jogged some. I hope this is helping my brain.

My 9 yo granddaughter was here yesterday and innocently asked if "one day" she could have the salt and pepper grinders we used for lunch. She decided the pepper was fresher if it was ground up, rather than sitting in a can already ground. She tried to back track about my being gone and was sure it would not be for a long time. ha. I told her that indeed she could have the salt and pepper grinders when I no longer needed them.

She and I had a tea party, but by mid afternoon, I could only sit on the sofa and try to keep my eyes open. I was not very good company for her, but she kept happily chattering.

Thanks everyone for the helpful comments. I do appreciate hearing from everyone.

 

Hello Nightengale,

 

From your signature, it looks like you have only been off for under 2 months and on for a long time.  Time doesn't always equal how long recovery will take, but in many cases it seems too.  Acute withdrawal typically lasts 30-60 days after you jump.  I don't want to be negative, but it could take a long time for sleep to return for you.  For most people, it takes 6-12 months or longer.  I am 17 months off and sleep pretty well most nights but it is a slow process.  Just get through each day the best you can and hold onto whatever is good and positive in your life.  Feeling like you are dying is a WD symptom.  I thought I was dying for 8 months!  Your Benzo altered brain will tell you all sorts of lies.  The biggest ones are you'll be like this forever.  You will never recover.  You will never sleep again.  All are BIG fat lies.  With every passing day you are one day closer to being you again and returning to normal in every way.  I had it very rough in the sleep department for 8 months.  It gets much better and after you start getting some sleep every night, even if it is only 2 or 3 hours, you will start to feel better and your other symptoms (if any) will begin to fade.  It will be up and down but eventually the "good" days will greatly outnumber the bad days/nights.  But once you get a taste of a stretch of good days and nights you will know what you will eventually get to over time.  Unfortunately time and prayer are the only 2 healers I know.  And we can't rush time.  Just know that sleep deprivation, while a mental torture, will not kill you.  I never even got sick ever, not even a cold, during 8 months of very little sleep. 

 

You WILL recover.  The worst cases on this site eventually get better and recover.  You WILL sleep again.  You WILL get your life back.  The advice I give you and that I always give to those suffering from lack of sleep is try not to worry about sleep.  Your brain will get what it needs.  When you stop worrying, you will slowly start sleeping.  Hard to do, but works.  And don't put a time frame on when you think you should be better by.  It will play out under its own terms and timeline.  Your body will know how to fix what was broken by the Benzos.  It's just that the ride is long and slow, but it WILL happen. 

Hi Theway2. thanks for your reply. I apologize for not returning to this post for so long.  I crashed and burned after I took vitamin B12 a week and  a half ago. What I've learned from this rough ride, is to stay with what I've been doing and not try anything else.  The brain needs time to heal, especially after so long on benzos. I hope it heals.

Thanks for sharing about your feelings of dying. It was a horrible feeling, wasn't it?  The year before I started my taper, I started feeling like I was dying for lack of a better description. I went to the PCP and shared with him how I felt. He just looked at me and said, "that must feel terrible." He had no idea. My blood tests were normal and eventually after about a year, the dying feeling slowly went away. It did not return when I started my taper. I just felt horrible all over from withdrawal and lack of sleep. When I took the B12, I can say by the 3rd day I felt like I was dying again. It quickly left once I stopped taking that vitamin and each day since then I feel somewhat better.

Sleep is still mostly elusive. I know it will come back. Lately, it is mostly broken sleep of an hour then I wake up, finally get back to sleep, then wake up another hour later and so it goes the rest of the night. I'm tired of being tired, but at least I am benzo free.