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2 years and TIME is what it took!


[ml...]

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Hello fellow warriors! I have not been here at BB for a really long time. So I wanted to post a hope message for you all, as I can remember the days where this was my only lifeline on the entire planet. I hung onto every story and every ounce of hope.

It took an entire year to really feel normal again and now I celebrate 2 YEARS since I swallowed the last rotten Ativan, I would ever swallow again.

 

I know how important hope is and the hope I clung too for me, when I thought I'd die and never live thru the next second, minute, hour...the day and especially the nights. I was so afraid of night time. The relentless Akathisia, depersonalization, 24/7 HORRIFIC panic attacks, tinnitus, heart racing out of control, the vibrations, the rushes...OMG, those cortisol rushes...the fear, the thoughts of losing my mind, the irrational thinking, the burning flesh feelings, the word benzo and what it was doing to me, was never out of my mind, the insomnia, the head & ear pressure that was so intense, I thought my brain would explode any second. The brain zaps, MONTHS of waves, in relentless roller coaster HELL, day and night, filled with the most intense fear I can't even begin to describe, but you know...you all know that are in this battle and those that have recovered from it and made it thru to the other side. I could go on and on about the horror movie it all was and everything that happened to me, but there is enough of all that here on this board.

The beauty is, the windows did come and the light began to shine again. So this post is one of hope and encouragement, for those coming here that need it, so you will know it can happen. I am now 100% healed and I never thought I could ever, ever say that...NEVER. I would never have believed in the first few months and year, that what happened to me, could ever be made right again. My CNS was so damaged and had gone so haywire, I had prepared myself that I really did myself in, when I quit CT on Feb 1st, 2015. But here I am now, 2 years later and I am fully healed, restored and living life 100% normal again.

 

My life I dare say, is even better than before, because I learned so much thru this journey of recovery about myself, meds and what I really needed to do to stay off future medication. The fact that I never even think about benzos anymore is the most incredible miracle, because I can remember when it was all consuming, looping thoughts for months and months on end. I was TERRIFIED. I have my mind back, its sharp and clear and I feel intelligent again! You don't really realize how this crap dumbs you down, till you look back after a year, or 2 and see what it was doing to you. I made stupid decisions, spent money I never should have spent and on & on, while under the influence of Ativan. Just total craziness and it's now all over, thank God! 

I was scared of my house, places in my house that I remembered going thru the scariest things. It's all gone now, it's all faded away. I rarely think about it and I love my home again. I don't see, or remember those scary thoughts and images anymore, that were like demons torturing my mind and following me around for months on end. It has all vanished now.

Getting off this poison is one thing, but once you recover, then what? A whole new plan, lifestyle, healthy boundaries to control stress and a new mindset needed to be faced. It's hard to put into words what 2015 was like for me, it was the most challenging year of my life. Along with WD, I also had my dad and my brother die, while I was in the throes of acute WD. I didn't even have the mind to process it and because of that, I have had delayed grief to face and get thru. I was in such shock at the time because of WD, I could not even begin to process their deaths. It still hurts and my heart aches, to even think about it. It was unreal, surreal and there really are no proper words to describe it, just none and there never will be. But I am working thru it and my thoughts and mind are my own again.

 

What I am truly amazed at now, is the human body's ability to heal itself and what it does to get there, given enough time, patience and good self care. It really is a miracle after such a traumatic event and I know I will never, ever touch a benzo again, outside of some surgical procedure, I may need down the road, where they are used for sedation. That is all they should ever be used for. I have found out so much about this class of drugs since my experience and I tell everyone I can, what can happen, if they take them over 2 weeks, or a Dr is giving them an RX for them. I have saved a few unsuspecting souls from the hell this all was and I am so grateful that my story and and journey was not in vain. To help others, with my story thru the trauma I endured, feels really good.

 

So...I hope this update gives you all needing a shot of faith, hope and healing, what anyone out there may need today. You can do this, you CAN and WILL recover. The only thing in the end, when all was said & done, is TIME...Lots & lots of TIME. So keep going, one hour and one day at a time, until you too have your story of healing. It will come. I thank God everyday what He did for me, but especially right now, as I realize...2 years is now here and for most going thru this, that is a real and permanent healing mark in this recovery.

 

Love & hugs fellow BB.

Lysa :smitten:

 

 

 

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Hello , thanks for your story , you brought some kind of hope to me today . Please I have a few questions . Did you have brain zaps and just not connecting to your loved ones . Whenever I think of people I used to love aka parents , siblings and husband . I just want to hide and run away from them . They just all scare me no reason and I'm scared I will lose everything with the way my mind is. When I hug someone , it feels weird as if they are not really there . The intrusive thoughts come and go but they are still with me . My last dose was taken end November or early sef 2015, I can't really remember when exactly , please any word of encouragement
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Hello , thanks for your story , you brought some kind of hope to me today . Please I have a few questions . Did you have brain zaps and just not connecting to your loved ones . Whenever I think of people I used to love aka parents , siblings and husband . I just want to hide and run away from them . They just all scare me no reason and I'm scared I will lose everything with the way my mind is. When I hug someone , it feels weird as if they are not really there . The intrusive thoughts come and go but they are still with me . My last dose was taken end November or early sef 2015, I can't really remember when exactly , please any word of encouragement

 

 

 

Hello, oh yes, I had the worst brain zaps! They were HORRID. I thought something was so very wrong! I felt EVERYTHING you describe...like I was detached from my own body, thoughts and emotions. I was terrified of everything and everyone. It is ALL gone now and I feel none of that and have not for over a year. It will pass, it really will. How long has it been since your last benzo?

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Hi Mlmagic.

I'm so glad I read your message today as it has given me a lift and the hope to keep moving forward.  I'm just over ten months out and it's still a very trying time.  I also hurt my back 8 weeks ago and that has put a massive hold on my life as I can't get out and about as much as I was.  I've got two types of healing going on at the moment - benzo and bulging disc.

I'm booked in for an epidural/cortisone injection next week so I'm hoping that will help with the healing of the back and allow me to get out and about again. I will probably have a panic attack while the procedure is happening but there is NO WAY I will take any kind of relaxant. I will have to stay strong and positive.

I'm so happy your happy life has returned and you made it through this horrific journey.  I bet you're feeling proud.

TIME is the healer for sure!!! Looks like I need a lot more time.

Keep enjoying and living life to the full - I can't wait for my time!!!!

Tallow Love

:smitten: :smitten: :smitten: :smitten:

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Thanks for sharing your sucess story! I needed to hear it. Congrats on making it through- hope u check in every so often to light the way for others.
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Thank you for your response , I truly appreciate it . My last dose of benzo/Valium was in the summer of 2014 and antidepressants/ssri=Lexapro was in in nov/dec 2015 . I didn't  know I was in withdrawal when I stoppped the Valium so I was put on ssri. I wish I has known maybe my life won't be this complicated . Basically withdrawing from 2 sets of poison . Arghhhh I just need God to save me if he truly exist . I was once a good kid , now I just feel like a lost soul .
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Hello

 

I wanted to write and to say Thank You so much for your lovely story.

It was really inspirational and it was most helpful and encouraging.

I wish you much happiness for the future,

it's wonderful to read how much happiness comes when we get through this.

 

Thank you again!

Lib  :smitten:  :thumbsup:

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Thank you so much for thinking of others and for coming back here to tell us your story.

 

Long life and love and good health to you!

 

 

:smitten: :smitten: :smitten:

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Lysa..

 

Your story is fantastic and beautiful. What a well written description of the challenges of benzo withdrawal. Your story is my story and many many others unfortunately. I am currently at 15months off and feel I'm almost 100% but not quite all the way there. I think I am still going through what you describe as windows and waves. However, nothing at all like in earlier months. Your story gives me a great deal of hope that in a bit more time I too shall feel steady and consistently stable. At 15months its pretty discouraging when a wave comes about because youre certain its more than just withdrawal.  Again more benzo lies. In my previous use of benzos this was often the point I would reinstate. I didn't know what was wrong with me then. I hadn't researched or found this website. This time around I am at least armed with the knowledge and information about what is taking place in my mind and body. Wow! That alone makes All the difference in the world. So here I am greatful for BB and greatful that you have shared your story. It is very descriptive and spot on to whats happening to me right now.

 

God bless you and keep you healed well happy and strong.

 

Peace and LOVE

Hope& Faith

 

 

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Thank you for coming back and taking the time to update and reassure. Reassurance is vital in this especially when it drags on a long time. Even though you recovered sooner  than I am doing, (I know that 1 day of this is enough)  I  can understand everything you describe. We are all different and you suffered long enough and healed. So we all need to hang on to the fact that our time will come. 

 

Thank you for saying that you never thought you would recover as I think it's universal that we all think that. I know I do, even though I've kept working through this, that's all my life consists of right now and the thought of never being able to enjoy the rest of life and having to white knuckle through work day after day is terrifying. You are a special person for remembering all the rest of us desperate for this to end.

 

Thank you so much, so glad your life is free and happy  :smitten:

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Thank you for coming back to share your story! Happy Anniversary-Off-Ativan! As the others here have said, the hope that your story brings to those of us still in the trenches is invaluable. Thank for you thinking of us.

 

Stay happy and healthy, and enjoy your life!

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Thank you so much for posting your story, Lysa. As one who is afflicted with anxiety, I wonder when it will ever leave. I'm okay with day-to-day stuff, but throw some stress into the mix and my head and body undergo the strangest transformation. I don't even recognize the person I once was. I know it's not normal because it's a weird chemical feeling.

 

You've been through it all, and I'm so sorry about your brother and dad. I understand the delayed healing. We are so blunted in our emotions that it's hard to process things.

 

I'm so happy you're enjoying your life now!! I wish I were in your shoes!!  :thumbsup: :thumbsup:

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Thank you , Lysa, for remembering those of us who are still in the trenches of withdrawal. I can't tell you how much it means that you would come back to tell your story and give us hope and encouragement!  I will reread your story whenever I'm having a hopeless day and I know it will help tremendously just as it has today! 
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Hi Mimagic,

 

Congrats on your Success Story - I love reading those!

 

It's silly of me to ask, since healing is individual, but when did your head pressure/headache go away? That has been an "anchor" symptom for me - I've had it since the very beginning. I figure when the head pressure goes, that's probably when the withdrawal will be completely over!

 

Second, how are you in terms of the anxiety level that got you on benzos in the first place? Some people say they are far better now then they ever were in dealing with anxiety, since they went through a storm and everything else pales in comparison. I guess it depends on the person, but I figured I'd ask.

 

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Lysa..

 

Your story is fantastic and beautiful. What a well written description of the challenges of benzo withdrawal. Your story is my story and many many others unfortunately. I am currently at 15months off and feel I'm almost 100% but not quite all the way there. I think I am still going through what you describe as windows and waves. However, nothing at all like in earlier months. Your story gives me a great deal of hope that in a bit more time I too shall feel steady and consistently stable. At 15months its pretty discouraging when a wave comes about because youre certain its more than just withdrawal.  Again more benzo lies. In my previous use of benzos this was often the point I would reinstate. I didn't know what was wrong with me then. I hadn't researched or found this website. This time around I am at least armed with the knowledge and information about what is taking place in my mind and body. Wow! That alone makes All the difference in the world. So here I am greatful for BB and greatful that you have shared your story. It is very descriptive and spot on to whats happening to me right now.

 

God bless you and keep you healed well happy and strong.

 

Peace and LOVE

Hope& Faith

 

 

Thank you so much for that wonderful response. It makes me feel so good to know I am not alone and that others have sailed these seas with me. You WILL get there, I promise! Your healing as you say and getting better with every passing week. It takes looking back to really see just how far you have come and trust me, in another few months, you will again say, wow...I'm even better than I thought I was. I had no idea it would take as long as it did to heal and feel well again and it's probably better I didn't know. It was just all too much to think about 2 years ago, in the daily torture. I know this year, as I go into year 3, no pills, I will still heal even more from the loss and debris left behind that I endured when I could not even process the losses I had.

Time truly is the greatest healer.

 

God bless you and your continued journey to wholeness  :smitten:

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