My Success Story - YAY! (After 18 months of HELL)

Hello Buddies,

 

    It has been around six months (maybe more?) since I last came to this site, but the reason is a good one…I have been feeling much better and would consider myself about 95% healed. Therefore, I thought I would encourage you all by writing a success story. Success stories really helped me a lot while I was suffering the most, so hopefully some of you will get some hope from my story. I do want to say, that the way I healed, in the end, is a bit different than most, as you will soon see.

 

    My story begins around 2004 when one day, as I was looking up at a menu board at a local restaurant, I got lightheaded, buzzing behind my eyes. My muscles began twitching, I had constant headaches, and I’m sure I’m forgetting many symptoms. I was 26 at the time, in great physical shape, no previous illnesses at all. I couldn’t walk straight, couldn’t go to work, pretty much just hung around the house for six months while doctors ran all sorts of tests. At times they thought I had ALS, or Crones Disease, or Gillian Barre…they basically had no idea. So, long story short, they attributed my symptoms to anxiety and I believed them. They put me on Zoloft, which didn’t help AT ALL with my dizziness or other physical symptoms. However, looking back, there is no doubt in my mind that Zoloft ADDED TO my symptoms, and I truly believe Zoloft made me more anxious.

 

    Well, as time went on, my dizziness began to dissipate. My headaches got less and less. But as I tried to get off Zoloft, I noticed my anxiety began to increase. I truly believe that these anti-depressant meds GAVE ME anxiety, to the point that every time I tried to stop, I had to go on another one. To make a long story short, every time a psych med began to stop working, doctors would put me on another one. And I kept taking them. Well, finally I had enough and I did something stupid…I cold turkeyed off Paxil. I had no idea what I was in for. I cried, I couldn’t sleep, my anxiety was at least 200% worse than it EVER had been. I couldn’t take it so, my brilliant doctor, instead of encouraging me to go back on Paxil and taper slowly, put me on Klonopin. (This is now about 7 years after initially beginning Zoloft back in 2004) He put me on a low amount at first, but eventually I was taking 1.5 mg a day. I had done no research and was CLUELESS about what I had gone through for 7 years, taking all sorts of psychological medication. I assumed the doctors knew what they were doing, but in hindsight they were making my symptoms worse.

 

    Well, the Klonopin actually worked…or at least I thought it did. My anxiety went away, I was able to work and function normally. I was happy as a kid at a candy store, popping .5 mg three times a day. However, the happiness wouldn’t last. I was at Disney with my wife and three kids, April 2014. I began having anxious feelings again, and what I noticed is that in order to keep my anxiety down, I had to take more and more Klonopin. It also seemed as though the Klonpoin was causing more anxiety. The few hours after I would take Klonopin, the anxiety was WORSE not better. The 1.5 mg’s was not working any more. I also began to think (finally) that PERHAPS the klonpin and all the psych meds I had been on for 10 years were HARMING me rather than helping me. So, I began to do some research and I found this amazing site, called Benzo Buddies  I began reading everyone’s testimonies, while researching other parts of the web as well and found thousands of people were suffering, and it was due to the fact that the medication that was supposed to be helping them was making them worse! I called my psych doctor, told him what I learned, and he dismissed it outright. He wanted me to keep UPPING my meds! He wanted me to take 2.0 MG of Klonopin! (Eventually I looked him up, and public records confirmed that he actually gave speeches and got PAID by Phizer). Well, that was it. I left him and found another psychologist that would help me wean off the Klonopin, rather than keep upping it. He was still skeptical, and kept claiming that he believed I had an anxiety disorder, but at least he was willing to let me do things MY way, rather than insist that he knew it all.

 

    So I began to wean off Klonopin, at let me tell you…I was in pure HELL. I don’t remember everything I went through, but every day I was in CONSTANT anxiety hell – for a year and a half! Admittedly, I tapered off rather fast, but was determined to get this poison OUT of my system and keep it out FOREVER. So I would go to work, day after day, and suffer. Although I will try to describe my suffering in words, no words can even COME CLOSE to what I was feeling like. I had headaches, twitching, eye pain. I got tinnitus THE DAY I went off Klonopin completely and it is the one symptom that is not completely cured yet. I still have it but in retrospect, I can deal with it compared to the other symptoms. I have no idea how I made it through, but I suffered CONSTANTLY from April 2014, to about June 2015. I had no happiness. Listening to music, which I loved so much, brought physical pain. The idea of getting up every morning, taking my kids to sporting events, having a beer, going on a date night with my wife…all these caused physical and emotional pain, so much that I can’t even describe or remember everything. However, although I wanted to stay in bed, I FORCED myself every day to continue on. I was miserable but trudged on. I would get terrible waves that would last for weeks and months at a time, just like most people here get. Waves, and every once in a while, a much-needed window. The windows were so helpful but also discouraging as they were always brief and followed by waves. I was reading Benzo Buddies, getting comfort from reading other people’s stories, and relying on the fact that people had stories about complete healing.  (HEADS UP – Here’s where success story my story differs from others, but I want to be honest and include it)

 

    Around June, 2015, I was still suffering greatly. There was hardly a time when my anxiety level was not through the roof. My new psychologist had another idea. He proposed that I begin a dose of Paxil to try to offset the symptoms I had from coming off the Benzos. (Yes, I know it sounds stupid). He said it would be easier to wean off Paxil than it was to wean off Klonopin, although I had been off Klonopin for over a year. I was so desperate that I tried it. And lo and behold, it worked. Around June 2015, through the fall, I worked my way up to about 60 MG of Paxil (yes a large dose), and then began weaning off January 2016. By July 2016, I was completely off and almost all my symptoms EXCEPT for Tinnitus and occasional muscle twitching in my legs are gone. I am 95% healed. No more constant anxiety, no more headaches. No more dread. No more fear, no more constant worry. In fact, Im now back to doing all things I once enjoyed before benzos and antidepressants took my life. (And yes, for those years of hell I really believe they took my life – especially the year and a half after coming off Klonopin). In August, I had a job interview, and by September I was moving my family from Connecticut to Florida, beginning a new job in South Miami. I enjoyed coffee on my move down (and now drink it regualarly again), blasted the radio – things I can do now but NEVER could have done a mere year ago. I drive into work in heavy traffic and don’t get nervous. I’m no longer paralyzed by fear. I coach my sons, golf with friends, and am enjoying life – a life I thought I would never enjoy again while going through the hell of benzo withdrawal. I’m not sure if I would have healed this fast if it were not for the Paxil that I reinstated and slowly tapered off, but as we all know, each person is different and every will heal in different ways.

 

Here are a few takeaways that hopefully those of you that are suffering will take with you…

 

1) YOU WILL HEAL IN YOUR OWN TIME – THERE IS HOPE – YOU WILL GET BETTER!!  Never give up on hope. Realize that what you are feeling now WILL NOT LAST. These symptoms are temporary. Every tough day you have, is one less tough day you will ever have to deal with because it is now behind you, and HOPE is ahead of you. Healing IS ahead of you. You may not feel it today, but it will happen.

 

2) Please, taper slowly off these meds and NEVER go back on a Benzo. For my own part, I will also NEVER go back on an anti-depressant. Yes, for me it worked to go back on Paxil and taper off, but now that I am free and clear, I will never go on another psychotropic drug in my life. For those of you that cold-turkeyed, it may take longer but please know YOU WILL make it through.

 

3) DO NOT trust doctors completely. I know many of them mean well and many do a great job helping people, but always do your own research as well. Don’t assume just because you have a physical problem (like my dizziness that started in 2004) that you need psychological drugs to make you better. I took me ten years to figure out that I should research myself, not just rely on doctors for everything and assume they know everything.

 

4) Although 95 % healed, I do still struggle with tinnitus. I still get muscle twitching in my legs and get an occasional headache that I know is due to the fact that I was on those psych drugs for over 10 years. I realize that I must get enough sleep at night, must eat better, must at least do minimal exercise. I realize that this experience has changed me as a person, but one that is now a better person as I want to help those who are experiencing this nightmare.

 

5) I relied heavily on my Christian faith to get me through this ordeal. I know not everyone has the type of faith I do, but it is always a comfort to me knowing that nothing I went through was out of God’s hands.

 

6) One thing I wish I had done better was to keep a journal. It probably would have been helpful to read and write as I went along. Also, because I struggled with brain fog, I know there are symptoms I had that I am now forgetting. In fact, I’m pretty sure I’m forgetting at least 50% of my symptoms.

 

7) Through it all, I continued to go to work. I had no choice as I have a wife and three young boys. I forced myself to get up and go. I know this is not possible for everyone but gave me a bit of purpose as I struggled thought this. Believe me, I WANTED to stay in bed all day. In fact, if I was able to stay in bed, have no one around, I probably would have healed faster. The stress of work was NOT helpful, but I had no choice. It was either work or stay home, file bankruptcy, and live off welfare which would not have met my family’s needs.

 

Finally, for those that are struggling, I will say this again – YOU WILL HEAL! Come back each day, each hour, each minute if you have to and read these words of hope. Reading words of hope from those that went through this hell helped me immensely as I was suffering. Coming to Benzo Buddies and reading the success stories was a major part of my road to recovery. Yes, sometimes reading the posts of those who have not yet healed can bring you down, but remember – THERE IS HOPE! YOU WILL GET BETTER! YOUR LIFE WILL BEGIN ANEW AND ONE DAY YOU WILL ENJOY THE THINGS THAT THESE EVIL BENZOS STOLE FROM YOU. One day you will enjoy listening to music again. One day you will drink coffee and wine again. One day you will roll down your windows, feel the breeze on your face, and shout at the top of your lungs I AM FREE! I AM ‘ME’ AGAIN!  And you will NEVER look back.

 

Fossaah

 

PS – Ill try to check in periodically and answer any questions you all may have. Ill also update you all if my tinnitus ever goes away.

 

Congratulations and thank you so much for sharing your story .  I really hope I get to where you are soon .  I took benzo and ssri for 10 years . I have been off since November 2015 and I'm still dealing with loads of intrusive thoughts , brain zaps and thought of just dying . Do you have any advice or suggestion to help deal with this symptoms ? Thank you .  I just want to be normal ,  If that actually exists .  I also started using the Christian faith but honestly sometimes I just don't wanna believe it caste the suffering is too much .  I'm praying for more strength in my faith . 

Congratulations, Fossaah! 

One day you will enjoy listening to music again. One day you will drink coffee and wine again. One day you will roll down your windows, feel the breeze on your face, and shout at the top of your lungs I AM FREE! I AM ‘ME’ AGAIN!  And you will NEVER look back.

 

 

Thank you so much for this!

       

congrats!!

15mg of K, wow and huh...first time I've seen this. ANd you need to go on 20mg, this is best doc advice I've ever heard

THANK YOU!!!!!!!!!!!  :smitten: 

Amazing success story. Thank you so much for sharing. I will re read this one a few times.

 

:smitten:

Sorry everyone, I made some typos. The dose was .5 (not 5), up to 1.5 (not 15). The doctor wanted to up me to 2.0 (not 20).

Thanks!

What a great success story, fossaah - congratulations, and thanks for sharing it! 

Congratulations 🎈

Thanks so much for this!!! I still have anxiety, and I cannot drink coffee without it affecting my blood pressure and anxiety in a bad way. I'm so looking forward to being at peace. It sounds like you've found peace, and it must be so wonderful to be without the ever-present fear and anxiety!

 

I'm ashamed of the medical profession. I cannot believe any one of them. I'm skeptical all the time now. I look at every one of them through a filter now, comparing what they say to what I've experienced. I so wish that they understood benzos!

 

Have a wonderful life, and CONGRATULATIONS!!! Thanks for coming back and telling your story. We need these stories because they give us hope!!! :thumbsup:

congrats!!

15mg of K, wow and huh...first time I've seen this. ANd you need to go on 20mg, this is best doc advice I've ever heard

 

1.5 to 2.0 i read

A beautifully-told story of courage, hope and healing! Thank you so much and congratulations to you! I wish you all the best.

Congratulations! I am so happy for you and your family to have you healed. You working may have actually been a help to your recovery. I think that depression can surface in withdrawal when you no longer feel like you're contributing or making a difference. Faith has also helped me by trusting in God to see me through and heal me. Turning things over to God eases anxiety and gives strength when we feel we have no more. Thank you for your success story!

Thanks for sharing your great success story!  I'm so happy you recovered and were able to keep working...  that had to be pretty hard.  I'm so proud of you!!!  Congratulations!

 

Wishing you every happiness,

 

Freida

Hello.

 

Thanks for your great success story.

So pleased you are over this and thank you once again for giving hope to everyone still going through this.

Wishing you much happiness.

 

Lib 

Thank you for the hope.

I needed to hear this success story today.

Thanks for sharing.  I really miss coffee today.

Thank you for reporting back and giving us all hope.

 

Can I ask if you had a lot of muscle tightness, pulling, writing spasm; severe sensory derangement, rapid muscle wasting (almost over night), and extreme terror of ordinary objects, sounds etc?

I didn't have rapid muscle tightness, but I did and still do have muscle twitching in my legs. It used to be constant, but now its sporadic but still does exist. If I sit down, you can see the muscles twitching. It does get better, but it takes time.

 

Yes, sounds could be terrible. It never reached the point of terror, but it lead to great anxiety and fear of certain noises. Even listening to my kids who can be loud when they play brought lots of tension and extreme anxiety.

Fossaah,

Well said. I really like your short list of suggestions.

 

I did keep a journal. And I still cannot read it again. TOO painful. Doubt  I could even read it anyway because my handwriting then was so awful due to shakes, tremors and other things. But writing it did help me.

 

Thank you for sharing your story. I agree with you about psych meds. I think they cause more harm than good and I seriously doubt they do nothing except give the person a false hope. I think of them as "garbage drugs." I too got put on various anti depressants and none of them helped at all. Ugh.

east

what month did anxiety stop .

 

great job on your success.

Thanks everyone! Still doing great. Minor muscle twitching and tinnitus still around...which is nothing compared to what I went through

 

@[fo...] you took a chance getting back on the paxil amazing.