Don't wanna do this anymore :(

DP/DR, paranoia, chronic anxiety, just want this to end, Feel like running away (don't know where id go) and c/t this crap,  I'm a mother with 2 children, it breaks my heart, no-one should have to suffer this way, Im all over the place with the valium, ignore the sig, as I cannot seem to stabilise, last night I was on my own, took 50mg, just to get me through until my friend could be with me today, I can't see a way out of this, Im hurting, can't focus, was doing ok until I started drinking liquorice tea 5 months ago (probs seems daft) but that it where my head is at right now), i was down to 3.5mg and thought I would be jumping off this drug.

 

I know about kindling, I'll ask nicely to please not scare me more about it.  people who commit murder don't suffer like this, i have no idea who I am anymore, hard getting a bath, getting dressed, no appetite.

 

Confused, can't meditate, can't sleep, can't eat, feel like this is a slow painful death, can't even remember the last time I laughed, every day is ground hog day.

 

I do my best to only read the success stories and even though I thrilled you guys made it through this, I must admit, I feel envy, and wish it was me, that was able to live and not deal with this existence.

 

I tried mirtazapine, worked for a bit, then when they stopped working, I quit them, I don't know if I am suffering SXS from the abrupt stopping of them, albeit I was only taking them for a month.

 

Feel like Im not gonna be around to see my kids grow, my heart is broken, bored of crying. Just want this to be over, intrusive suicidal thoughts constant, however even though i just wanna go to sleep and never wake up again, Im not brave enough to take my own life.

 

So sorry for ranting, needed to vent, just want this to end.

Hey Sharlom,

 

I know exactly how you feel you are not alone. This whole process is so draining and long it feels like it will never end. But I have great news it does. GABA receptors re-synthesize ans get up regulated over the 3-18 month recovery time frame is a beautiful life after this process just keep fighting. You are important and your kids need you and one day you will look back and be so happy you kept going.

 

In terms of your symptoms, keep distracting and staying positive. This will help speed up the process a lot. Suicidal ideation is a normal symptom sadly. I never once had one thought of suicide my whole 29 years of living and they were non-stop a week into acute withdrawal. That proves it is a symptom and not yourself. The thoughts begin to fade over time and become less intense to the point you won't even think about them anymore.

 

You have done a great job to even get to the point you are right now so be proud of you self. I was where you are at now for so many months, crying everyday, intrusive morbid thoughts constantly, insomnia, no appetite, nausea, dp/dr, and I am telling you all of these scary symptoms are just signs of healing. It is your body's way of healing. Whenever a symptom comes along just keep telling yourself your brain is healing and you are going to get through this.

 

Here at benzobuddies you have family that care about you and we will be here for you during your recovery. Don't think about down the road just think about taking one day, one hour, 10 minutes at a time so you don't get overwhelmed.

 

This ends, it is all temporary, you are going to beat this. Stay strong.

Thank you Kperson10,

 

I keep telling myself its not me its the benzos, but in the throws of terror rationalisation goes right out the window, the anxiety is truly unbearable. & the occasions when I'm on my own, it turns into mania, I can't even put into words, as I'm sure you are aware and understand. 

 

Its my kids i feel for, I just want to be normal for them, and right now its tough for me to see that,  I have hope, i feel so tired and drained living this way, day after day after day. 

 

Sorry for ranting, and once again ty for your response, it really means a lot.

 

 

I can relate with a lot you are saying 

You WILL get there

 

I will pray for you!!

People who commit murder?  I had to point that statement out.

 

I have been to the same place you are going. It is a dark, lonely, difficult time for me and sounds like you. I still (1 year now) cannot shake the intrusive thoughts and that includes tons of ways to kill myself. It is one of those intrusive thoughts we want so terribly to stop but as soon as we rest our minds, bam there it is. I cannot stop it but I do feel like if I really believed I would do it, and took steps in that direction (like buying a gun or something) I would ask for help. Please feel that way too, it is actually suicide ideation which is different from actually being suicidal.

 

I also had strong feelings that I would not survive it. I still do. But we have made it this far and our only choice is to ride it out. If you did go through with suicide your kids would always feel like they caused it. I know that becauz my 19 yo nephew did it and I totally blame myself for it.

 

What I'm saying is you are not alone in this like I strongly believed I was. Keep posting on here when you have these thoughts and ppl will help out. While I feel I'm a total loser I can still look for people worse off than me. The thing is we are in this thing together and hopefully we can help each other out.

 

 

... Im hurting, can't focus, was doing ok until I started drinking liquorice tea 5 months ago (probs seems daft) but that it where my head is at right now), i was down to 3.5mg and thought I would be jumping off this drug...

 

I think you may have put your finger on the probable reason for this sudden change.

 

When I read your post, it occurred to me straight away that I had read somewhere about the paradoxical effects of liquorice and how it can ramp things up for some people. I tracked down this article (not the one I read originally) which explains that liquorice increases cortisol - a good thing for those who need it, but definitely not for those who already have okay/high cortisol levels.

 

Please have a think about this and regroup just a little - you said you were doing fine on your taper until you introduced that tea. I'm three months completely drug-free (after nearly 40 years)and I never thought, ever, that I'd be able to say that. You can do this too - I just know it - one tiny, tiny step at a time, like me

 

http://www.blueprintfitness.co.uk/bad-reactions-to-licorice-root-the-three-types/

 

 

I can relate with a lot you are saying 

You WILL get there

 

I will pray for you!!

 

thank you so much reba123456, I need all the prayers I can get.  thank you.

People who commit murder?  I had to point that statement out.

 

I have been to the same place you are going. It is a dark, lonely, difficult time for me and sounds like you. I still (1 year now) cannot shake the intrusive thoughts and that includes tons of ways to kill myself. It is one of those intrusive thoughts we want so terribly to stop but as soon as we rest our minds, bam there it is. I cannot stop it but I do feel like if I really believed I would do it, and took steps in that direction (like buying a gun or something) I would ask for help. Please feel that way too, it is actually suicide ideation which is different from actually being suicidal.

 

I also had strong feelings that I would not survive it. I still do. But we have made it this far and our only choice is to ride it out. If you did go through with suicide your kids would always feel like they caused it. I know that becauz my 19 yo nephew did it and I totally blame myself for it.

 

What I'm saying is you are not alone in this like I strongly believed I was. Keep posting on here when you have these thoughts and ppl will help out. While I feel I'm a total loser I can still look for people worse off than me. The thing is we are in this thing together and hopefully we can help each other out.

 

thank you so much Davis1,

 

So sorry to hear of your 19yo nephew, please don't blame yourself, this torture is truly awful enough, and punishing ourselves doesn't help, you have a very special angel looking down guiding you through this.  And yes although this is a struggle (putting it mildly) WE CAN GET THROUGH this together.  Thank you so much for your reply.

... Im hurting, can't focus, was doing ok until I started drinking liquorice tea 5 months ago (probs seems daft) but that it where my head is at right now), i was down to 3.5mg and thought I would be jumping off this drug...

 

I think you may have put your finger on the probable reason for this sudden change.

 

When I read your post, it occurred to me straight away that I had read somewhere about the paradoxical effects of liquorice and how it can ramp things up for some people. I tracked down this article (not the one I read originally) which explains that liquorice increases cortisol - a good thing for those who need it, but definitely not for those who already have okay/high cortisol levels.

 

Please have a think about this and regroup just a little - you said you were doing fine on your taper until you introduced that tea. I'm three months completely drug-free (after nearly 40 years)and I never thought, ever, that I'd be able to say that. You can do this too - I just know it - one tiny, tiny step at a time, like me

 

http://www.blueprintfitness.co.uk/bad-reactions-to-licorice-root-the-three-types/

 

Firstly FizzleWitch Congrats on being benzo free, wow 40 yrs, thats so amazing, yes I have a feeling the liquorice increased my cortisol lvls to an extreme high, hope (that it will pass, and my kids) are all I have right now, I know I have to keep going, I know it will pass, I know i will get better, I need to be patient and stop asking when, if i get through this, this will be the hardest thing I've ever done in my life.

 

Once again well done, I need to hear the success stories to keep me going.

... Im hurting, can't focus, was doing ok until I started drinking liquorice tea 5 months ago (probs seems daft) but that it where my head is at right now), i was down to 3.5mg and thought I would be jumping off this drug...

 

I think you may have put your finger on the probable reason for this sudden change.

 

When I read your post, it occurred to me straight away that I had read somewhere about the paradoxical effects of liquorice and how it can ramp things up for some people. I tracked down this article (not the one I read originally) which explains that liquorice increases cortisol - a good thing for those who need it, but definitely not for those who already have okay/high cortisol levels.

 

Please have a think about this and regroup just a little - you said you were doing fine on your taper until you introduced that tea. I'm three months completely drug-free (after nearly 40 years)and I never thought, ever, that I'd be able to say that. You can do this too - I just know it - one tiny, tiny step at a time, like me

 

http://www.blueprintfitness.co.uk/bad-reactions-to-licorice-root-the-three-types/

 

Firstly FizzleWitch Congrats on being benzo free, wow 40 yrs, thats so amazing, yes I have a feeling the liquorice increased my cortisol lvls to an extreme high, hope (that it will pass, and my kids) are all I have right now, I know I have to keep going, I know it will pass, I know i will get better, I need to be patient and stop asking when, if i get through this, this will be the hardest thing I've ever done in my life.

 

Once again well done, I need to hear the success stories to keep me going.

 

:thumbsup:

I pray you start to feel better very very soon.You just do the best you can and your kids will always love and appreciate that your trying your best .Dont beat your self up , no one wants to be sick .Its not your fault.

Sharlom, I feel the EXACT same way! Are you doing better now?! I am in DESPERATE need of encouragement.

Try not to tell yourself anything because uncertanty and anxiety will creep in again

Try not to tell yourself anything because uncertanty and anxiety will creep in again

What?

Everything is giving me anxiety.  Even going in this support group.  I read stuff and get anxious.  I keep having to remind self I'm not at work.  Since I work in certain area, I see questions and feel like I'm supposed to reply to most of questions.  I feel overwhelmed, think I can't answer all that.  I don't need to answer.  I need to take care of self.  I keep telling self I will drive myself nuts if I keep it up.   

DP/DR, paranoia, chronic anxiety, just want this to end, Feel like running away (don't know where id go) and c/t this crap,  I'm a mother with 2 children, it breaks my heart, no-one should have to suffer this way, Im all over the place with the valium, ignore the sig, as I cannot seem to stabilise, last night I was on my own, took 50mg, just to get me through until my friend could be with me today, I can't see a way out of this, Im hurting, can't focus, was doing ok until I started drinking liquorice tea 5 months ago (probs seems daft) but that it where my head is at right now), i was down to 3.5mg and thought I would be jumping off this drug.

 

I know about kindling, I'll ask nicely to please not scare me more about it.  people who commit murder don't suffer like this, i have no idea who I am anymore, hard getting a bath, getting dressed, no appetite.

 

Confused, can't meditate, can't sleep, can't eat, feel like this is a slow painful death, can't even remember the last time I laughed, every day is ground hog day.

 

I do my best to only read the success stories and even though I thrilled you guys made it through this, I must admit, I feel envy, and wish it was me, that was able to live and not deal with this existence.

 

I tried mirtazapine, worked for a bit, then when they stopped working, I quit them, I don't know if I am suffering SXS from the abrupt stopping of them, albeit I was only taking them for a month.

 

Feel like Im not gonna be around to see my kids grow, my heart is broken, bored of crying. Just want this to be over, intrusive suicidal thoughts constant, however even though i just wanna go to sleep and never wake up again, Im not brave enough to take my own life.

 

So sorry for ranting, needed to vent, just want this to end.

 

I have been where you are now. I tried twice to taper before and ended up completely a mess. Both times I reinstated, and honestly, it was a relief. I had many good months. This is my third taper attempt, trying again because I was originally prescribed klonopin for insomnia, and it has not worked for insomnia in a very long time.

 

About nine months ago in my taper I found myself slipping again into crazy anxiety. I updosed twice, stabilized, then held for six months and am now cutting super slow. You were on a lot of valium and have made great progress but, while I do think we heal as we reduce our dose, I think it does take our brains a long time to heal. For me, the updosing and the long hold gave me my life back. I plan to now taper very very slowly. It may take me years but if I am mostly functional I don't care. Maybe something in this can help you.

I don't want to be tapering anymore.  I cannot believe I am STILL ON .125mg of k.  This is ridiculous.  I'm waiting to stabilize and I feel like it is taking forever. 

 

 

I am exactly where you are now with every symptom you listed and just wanted to reiterate that you aren't alone. I am so, so, so sick and tired of "living" this way but I have to believe it will all be over and I will heal at some point. I too am kindled since reinstating and updosing never stabilized me so I'm petrified to try a third attempt to taper. I also try so hard to tell myself that it's just the drug and it's only temporary but when the anxiety is off the charts, verging on mania and the DP/DR is so thick it's so hard not to completely freak out. I still haven't found ways not to and often end up at the emergency room (I was just there for 13 hours on Monday and as always they did nothing to help).

 

I'm sorry that we have to go through this ridiculous nightmare but I hope we can find the strength and acceptance to make it through.

I feel the same way... And did many changes also.... Severe kindling never stabilized severe bizarre  reactions to drug I feel are on the verge of killing me with no help from doctors; because honestly what can they do at this point; I'm paradoxical to everything.... feel there is no way out..... :'(

I feel the same exact way. I'm terrified. It's never been this bad in the five years I've been on benzos.

Any updates from Sharlom??

😭😭😭

Right. Wonder what happens to those who disappear... hoping for the best.

Right. Wonder what happens to those who disappear... hoping for the best.

We are still there in the background fighting and suffering right alongside you other brave BBs.  I too feel hopelessly depleted and sooo sick and tired of 3 years of Hell.  What else are we to do other than to comfort each other?  I wish we could all meet just for one big group hug and a good cry.

DB

Sorry drummerboy... I too would love one giant big hug. It would probably help us all.