Took Last Benzo Yesterday. Free today! Looking forward.

I took my last bit of clonazepam yesterday after an 8-month taper from a six week daily dose of either .25 or .50mg. My body and mind were damaged in that short of time. I had used it before for very situational things, bad hangover, speeches, etc, but started daily in January2016 bc I had some physical signs of anxiety and lack of sleep; my primary care physician actually encouraged the daily use. It took me awhile to even figure out what was wrong with me. Biggest mistake of my life.

 

I have reached this inflection point after what seems like an eternity of emotional hell and know there is still a road ahead, and likely a long one. I tapered way too quickly at first, down to .125mg and then switched to a slow liquid titration microtaper from that point starting in April/May. I jumped from the small dose of 0.001mg K (.002mg V equivalent).

 

I have had two goals since the start; 1) Keep my family (wife and 2year old son) as untouched from this as possible and 2) Keep my job to support my family and self. I have accomplished both of those by literally fighting hour upon hour. Some minutes/hours/days worse than others, but a constant fight. I learned I just need to get through the day, and learned early on that talking about this to people was not good for my relationships. It's impossible for someone to understand (as much as you want understading) and it's even hard o comprehend myself. For anyone going through this, I need to say, there are moments and even now some days, where all has felt well; a reprieve, a window. I even recently had 3-4 days strung together of feeling "pretty darn good" a few weeks ago, and that gives me hope. Just last week, I had such a great window, I almost cried with happiness. Hope and distraction seem to be my most useful weapons.

 

I have always struggled to describe my healing symptoms, but here's what I had and/or continue to live with:

 

Derealization - feel just out of this world most of the time. Took awhile to admit this one because it's so weird, but it's the most constant

 

Anxiety - this has dampened considerably since the beginning, but still get waves which are still awful. There were some bad waves where I felt panicky just from being on the train or in the elevator. I.

 

Depression - never had this in my life and it's awful. I still gets waves of this, but it was fairly unrelenting and crushing for awhile. This one is hard, but just know it can come in and out.

 

Cognitive - in the beginning I couldn't work or think hardly at all. I felt I had lost all my cognitive ability. I thought I was doomed, but I feel that I it back to normal in this department once I started the microtaper.

 

Fear - this diminished considerably since the early months as well, but still get some waves of it. The fear is somewhat attached to my home and also to the memories or driving to the psychiatrists office; I literally went to 3-4 times. I had never in my life seen one before this mess started. In the beginning I didn't really want to leave the house (but did)

 

Fatigue - almost everyday for awhile I would get hours of crushing fatigue in the afternoon or early evening. This is not feeling tired, it's totally different. Gladly, most days now, I do not get this anymore.

 

Lack of motivation - this just goes hand in hand with all the rest, but I think it's a symptom.

 

Stress intolerance - sometimes I feel pretty good with it, and there have been waves where it feels overwhelming

 

Burning skin - had one week a month ago where this was intense. Felt like sunburn that moved from one area to the other. Like any symptom, I know it can come back, but I did lift

 

Tinnitus - a slight hissing noise that literally started a week ago, this bums  me out as it's new. So very worried about this one.

 

Nauseous/Sick Feeling - had one week of this, and one really bad day that grounded me from work. Ironically, this short lived symptom is the one I hope most does not return bc this truly debilitated me.

 

Anyway, to remind myself and also give hope to others, I've made it through so far. I've taken a vacation with my family (plane, car, etc), moderated a panel in front of 175 people, spoke for 20min on a webinar with 220 people on the line, dragged myself to work everyday, gave a best-man speech, and driven all over the place. All these things are/were very tough, but things I thought were impossible during this, I somehow manage to get through. For that, I celebrate and hope to encourage others.

 

I don't really post on BB outside of a few questions, but I cling to the Success Stories like mad, almost every single day since this stated. I have also had PMs with a handful of people that have just been so supportive and helpful. I can't thank you enough.

 

I miss playing with my boy and not feeling tired, I miss a glass of wine with my wife, and miss some beers with my friends. But above all, I miss being normal and it's living vs struggling. Again, I just have to hope that it will be normal someday again.

 

Anyway, it's already been an awful road and I'm still in shock this happened to me. I'm hoping SO HARD things dont get dramatically worse and don't knock me out. I tapered as slow as I could so the lowest amount I could. Please send some encouragement my way and I wish all the best of luck to everyone out there. You are not alone and we will succeed!

 

Root

Impressive that you made it and kept your job and put your family's needs above your own.  Way to go!! I'm still tapering, but the people I've read about who jumped at a low dose like you did seem to not have it too much rougher after they jump or at least not for very long.  You've made it this far, you'll do great!  Congratulations!!!!!!!!

I am so happy for you! It is a wonderful feeling to never have to take a dose again!

 

Kay

Congrats on your jump. I think with that slow taper to a super low dose you'll have a short acute and be feeling good very soon. Best wishes!

Thank you Kay, solitudeseeker, and AF1! 

 

So far, so good. I have was lucky enough to have a great window starting yesterday (day 2) and it remains open today. Though, I am still cautious that things could enter some acute stage. Regardless of the symantics, I know this is just a window and there will be waves a plenty in the near future. Probably good to acknowledge that, but doesn't make those waves any easier to handle.

 

Another thing I forgot to mention to MAYBE help people. Not sure if it was cooindence, but the windows really started for me when I began getting (back) into "juicing" a few times a week. My wife and I were big into it a few years ago, but it fizzled out. As hard as it was to even motivate myself to drag the juicer out (and clean the stupid thing), This is not a juice fast or cleanse, but just getting some good stuff in the system. I figured it couldn't hurt to pump my body with the most natural nutrients possible. I juice with relatively low sugar content, so a lot of spinach or kale, ginger, celery, cucumber, and lime. The majority is the leafy green and rest is essential to give it more liquidity  and to enhance the taste.

 

Nonetheless, drinking some juice does not open a window by any means, or get you out of a wave, but overall, there was some correlation there (not sure of causation though).

Congratulations! Thank you for sharing and I wish you all the best as you heal.

 

PS. I'm a believer in juicing too. Whatever works, works.