I've Beaten Benzos! My Long Journey to Freedom

I've decided it's time to write my success story. I hope it's not too soon but as I'm a great believer in positivity I think it will help me and possibly others here.

 

In brief, as the full story can be read on my website.....I was on benzos for over 40 years from my mid twenties to my mid sixties. I also had many different benzos and different antidepressants thrown into the mix over these years. Not one doctor ever diagnosed my escalating anxiety symptoms as being due to the drugs. I blithely continued to take them trusting the medical profession and believing I was suffering menopausal symptoms; I was first prescribed sleeping tablets following a life saving hysterectomy after childbirth and subsequent very early menopause.

 

The whole of most of my adult life I've been in the grip of these drugs. It's a horror story beyond comprehension and one which has made me try my best to help others being subjected to the devastation benzos can cause. I had huge manifestations of anxiety to the extent I thought I was going mad and was even diagnosed as having a hysterical personality disorder. This in a woman who had never suffered anxiety or depression in her life before. The outcome was I eventually accepted that I would never be fully well again due to the early menopause (I thought) and returned to my teaching career to help me divert from my symptoms. My two boys were virtually brought up by my husband as I never had the energy to do a lot around the home. We decided, for my own sanity, I needed to teach and get back to as normal a life as possible.

 

I continued like this even running my own successful private school with my husband for ten years but the weird symptoms, the anxiety, tiredness, hot sweats, insomnia and so forth never left me. At the age of 59 we sold the school and settled into retirement and looked forward to travelling the world in our camper van. For a few years I was ok but then my wonderful mum died and started the beginning of a whole new series of symptoms which I later understood to be tolerance to the many, many years of sleeping tablets and later Valium which had been thrown into the mix due to muscle pains. I should add I was also buying Valium off the Internet to boost my own supply and find relief from the anxiety. It took intense symptoms of pain, anxiety, insomnia and several stressful events to finally cause me to research the net and come up with the truth of my situation. I was shocked and cold turkeyed the drugs there and then! Never ever do this but I was too ill to care at the time.

 

Here I am today nearly 47 months off and finally feeling more or less normal. I have no pain symptoms, no twitching, no stomach upset, no headaches, no sweats, no insomnia and am calmer and more grateful for every minute of my life than I've ever been. I've been through a horrific withdrawal, prayed for death many times but I've still somehow survived and reached the other side. Yes, I am still fragile and do get tired but I am feeling very well in myself and I am 71 years old so having to accept the limits of age.

 

I'm not going to talk about symptoms or the hell I've been through in this as I firmly believe dwelling on symptoms, reading and talking about them makes the brain hang on to them longer than necessary. It knows nothing else and in some ways they can become like a security blanket and something that is too scary to let go of. Once we can accept all the horror that happens and believe in ourselves and our own recovery without comparing to others this gives out brains permission to heal. We can throw off that blanket.

 

I've had a very obvious windows and waves healing journey and have always done my best to go outside the home and not just stay within my four walls. When very ill my husband has almost carried me to the car just to get me a different view and divert from the horror that my home started to hold for me, (I would spent night after night pacing the floors and went a full week with no sleep at all on several occasions). We would sit and look at the sea and listen to music or take a gentle walk if I was able. My husband has been my rock and he's always been beside me and helped my healing tenfold. He now helps others with withdrawal and tapering and gives talks to various organisations about the horrors of benzos. He's also contacted every doctors' practice in Cornwall, Uk and put up posters in surgery waiting rooms. He's always believed I would fully recover and read widely around the subject. He's now as excited as I am to see the obvious end to all this for me. Plus, during my withdrawal hell he had prostate cancer and suffered an operation plus heart problems.

 

Too finish some practices that have helped me through the bad times.....

*Brain retraining through Gupta therapy and Irene Lyon both of whom place an emphasis on keeping positive and have practices for overcoming anxiety and anxious thoughts.

*A healthy diet with no processed, no gluten, no dairy apart from goats' milk yogurt and lots of fruit and veg. I don't believe restricting too much helps us and can build up sensitivities but just being sensible and finding what suits us best. My present diet is what I've settled for at the moment.

*Never comparing myself to others and their symptoms just using other sufferers for reassurance occasionally. I believe it's essential to not spend hours talking and thinking about withdrawal symptoms as this gives the brain negative messages.

*To get out when you feel able and change the scene so as not to have the same pattern day after day which can become the norm and get more difficult to break as time goes on.

*To use everything you enjoy to divert from symptoms and for me this was music and some television programmes plus reading when my eyes could focus.

*To learn mindfulness and the power of meditation.

 

I feel I could go on and on but when it comes down to it just a firm belief in your recovery, not being fooled by the symptoms and by having a positive outlook at all times have to be top of this list. I'll write more on my Blog but for now am signing off Benzo Buddies but will return occasionally to help where I can. Good Luck to everyone here and never ever give up because healing could well be just around the corner for you as well.

 

Really lovely story, thank you for writing it. Your husband is fantastic too!

Thank you so much for sharing your journey and wisdom.  I related to a much of your story, and you give me so much hope.  With gratitude, WR

 

 

Wow, it is amazing that you are now able to write your success story.  I know how many ups and downs there have been.

 

I hope life will be very good from now on.  You deserve that.

 

Hugs

 

Fiona 

Beth!  I am so very happy to read your story this morning!  THIS is the reason I still check in on BB, to find the success stories of people I've followed these past few years.  I agree completely with your philosophy regarding healing and trying not to focus on symptoms.  I hope you and your wonderful husband will have many good years ahead together in beautiful Cornwall.  You deserve it!

 

Love,

FinallyJoining

Yes, there have been many ups and downs for me and I've been very ill and near to leaving this world on several occasions. All I wanted to read were success stories to get me through but there was rarely one from anybody so long on the drugs, cold turkey, with such a bad recovery and so protracted on top of it all. I had all four and am still alive which is still quite amazing to me. Even now I can't speak fully of the horrors of my experiences as the memory quickly pulls me down.

 

It does go but the person that comes out the other side is very different from the one that first started taking benzos and it takes awhile to find out who you are after this experience. It's very easy to become stuck in the withdrawal rut. You have to take every ounce of energy to clamber out and find yourself again. It's great on the other side. So protracted people three, four, five years plus off you can recover but it's hard work and doesn't change over night, you have to listen to your body and help it along with all the ideas out there for calming the nervous system. Don't sit back and wait for time to pass because I believe this isn't the answer when many years off.

 

Most people I used to talk to on Benzo Buddies have now left this forum and I assume they're all recovered although not all have written a success story that's why it's so important not to just disappear otherwise how can hope survive for protracted members? Good Luck and I'll try and get my book out there one of these days. It's likely to be called 'Crossing the Rubicon' and won't just be a horror story but one of hope and encouragement for those that come after me.

incredible journey. Thanks for sharing.

Thanks for taking this huge step to write here.  It gives a lot of hope to so many.  I wish you continued health and happiness and from here on nothing but blue skies. 

 

Hello

 

Thanks so much  for this success story and giving hope to those of us still going through this.

Sending you all good wishes for the future.

 

Liberty 

 

Thanks so much for writing your story, Beth!!! It's so important to hear from people like you, who have struggled for years and have come to the other side intact. CONGRATULATIONS, and I know you'll enjoy living life again. You conquered so much!!!  :thumbsup:

 

Thank-you for sharing your story and wishing you continued healing and a wonderful life! 

I'm so happy to see that you are well enough to post your success story!  What a long and terrifying battle, but you made it.  I will be looking for your book, should you publish it. 

Thank you so much for posting your success story. It means so much to hear about other people's success. I'm so happy that you have made it to the other side.

 

Your husband sounds like a wonderful man and I'm so glad he was there for you and continues to fight against these drugs for you and others.

 

The two of you are an inspirations.

 

Wishing you continued healing.

Glad you're feeling better now.  Your husband sounds like such a wonderful man and you're lucky to have him there to support you. 

Thank you so much for all your kind wishes. I felt it was so important for someone like me who's suffered for a lifetime to let everyone know that it does eventually settle and everything eases up whatever we've been through. I'm on another long journey now of finding the new me! It's quite a interesting time really because to a certain extent I have to decide who I want to be  . I'm trying to be a happy, lively and devoted grandma rather than the bedridden old lady my grandchildren used to know 

 

Beth - It's so nice to read that you are moving forward with your life in such a positive manner. You are truly a breath of fresh air! Good for you! Marc

This is a lovely story, what a journey. Thanks so much for sharing 

Oh my gosh!...  You are amazing, strong and brave!  I'm so glad you finally got off these terrible meds and recovered!  I couldn't be more happy for you.  Thank you for sharing your story and advice.

 

I'm giving you a big, fat cyber hug.  You deserve all the joy that life has to offer.  I hope you give that man of yours a great big hug, too...  you are blessed to have him.

 

Congratulations!

 

Freida

Hi Beth - Thank you for sharing your story - as a newbie here and struggling - I love to read the success stories - I was wondering what your tapering method was for the Valium or whatever Benzo you were on at the end.  i apologize if I missed that in your story - or sig. but it didn't jump out at me - but.....I def. have Benzo Brain at the moment.

 

 

Hi Beth - Thank you for sharing your story - as a newbie here and struggling - I love to read the success stories - I was wondering what your tapering method was for the Valium or whatever Benzo you were on at the end.  i apologize if I missed that in your story - or sig. but it didn't jump out at me - but.....I def. have Benzo Brain at the moment.

 

No I didn't taper. I was so ill in tolerance the drugs became like poison for me and I just stopped as soon as I realised the cause of my problems. Don't  do this though as it can lead to seizures and a longer recovery time. The whole process is totally individual and some are ok when tapering while others have a tough time. Just accept what happens to you and come off slowly and evenly at the pace you can tolerate and with as much acceptance of the symptoms as you can muster. I advise people to follow the Ashton manual and not to have long holds as these can lead to tolerance and make further tapering difficult. Slow, steady and even wins the race.

 

Having a lovely Autumn here in the U.K. so I'm getting out as much as possible to enjoy it. Walking in nature is uplifting and the exercise so good for me. I feel well and the benzo horrors are drifting into the past but just occasionally I get a blip and am reminded to pace myself and not push too far yet. 💕

Thank you for this!!! I'm holding right now while I get my Thyroid balanced - proving difficult - I'm so panicked thinking I'm KINDLED from previous attempts - but today I feel pretty good - and I'll start a liquid MT soon - Thanks again for your story and mentoring! Appreciated more than you know!!

Huge congrats! As someone who was in the death grips of benzos for 16 years, I can relate to much of your story and am also thankful to have a husband who has been like a rock through this experience. It's a beautiful (warm) fall day here in San Diego and I'm very very close to writing my own success story at 16 months off. I can hardly believe it, but full healing DOES happen. It's just so slow and imperceptible, it's hard to recognize while it's happening. Hang in there everyone. You'll get there too!

Reading your testimony, your courage to endure and advice is about the most inspiring message I've read thus far.  From  my struggles this far, you've awakened and affirmed budding instincts/gut feelings in me that I so hope and pray will lead to ultimate healing.  My greatest source of debilitating anxiety right now is an inability to accept my imperfections.  Yes, the house is a mess; I feel self conscious; yes, at times I fear all of life will spin out of control; yes, the walls are closing in and winter and unexpected changes come; yes, doctors and those who you expect to be your best support fail you.  With you I find hope that with willpower, effort and work, I can do this.  Healing now is my new, most demanding of careers I have ever known, my body's boot camp.  Even when doctors fail and friends fail to grasp and understand the struggle, I look above to my Maker and realize healing is the best magic of all.  Thanks so much for sharing so generously and beautifully.  Continued good health to you and yours.  Godspeed.  I have "bookmarked" you for life.

Thank you, you can all do this. Never lose hope however long it takes but also find everything possible that helps you to see it through.

 

My journey in benzos was for a total of 44 years and can never be forgotten. 

THANK YOU!!