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4 Years Benzo Free - Finally Writing My Success Story


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I am finally writing my benzo success story.  I apologize for not being a participating member on this forum, but was just too neurotic to talk, much less write.  I know how much the success stories meant to me during withdrawal and recovery and would like to add mine here and hope that it helps someone else who can relate.  I’m sorry so many of you/us are suffering.  I searched for symptoms and am so grateful that I wasn’t alone in this hellish experience.  Thank you all for being so brave and compassionate!

 

I wanted to wait until I was completely symptom free and done with all the emotional and relationship fallout before posting this.  As of today, September 29, 2016, I can finally say that my life is as good, if not better than before this experience.

 

I was prescribed .25mg Xanax for Restless Leg Syndrome in 2005 when my sister was dying of ALS…  my doctor offered it at every visit and I finally said yes in my profound sadness (at least I wasn’t self-medicating, right?).  I was already taking Prozac and Welbutrin, and was told that this combination would do the trick and I would feel right as rain.  Wrong!  I gradually went to .50mg Xanax and in 2010 c/t’d off all my meds when my husband and I lost our jobs and health insurance.  I was blindsided by the symptoms and reinstated Xanax when I realized my horrific symptoms were due to withdrawal and that I would need to function during my son’s upcoming wedding, but I never did stabilize again.  When I asked my doctor how he could give me something that would make me feel this way, he said, “you’re not going to like what I have to tell you, but I think you need to take more” and doubled all my doses and threw in Abilify for good measure – I found a new doctor to monitor my taper and started on 11/12/11 and jumped at .015mg on 11/1/12 and had every symptom in the book during the taper and after jumping:  head tightening, tingling, numbness, spasms, cramps, shaking, rapid heart rate, extreme temperature fluctuation, nausea, insomnia, tinnitus, constant head-to-toe itching (even my toe nails itched), panic, auditory confusion, depersonalization, de-realization, loss of long- and short-term memory, dark intrusive thoughts, lost my feelings of love and empathy, lost my sense of humor and imagination, lost my balance and ability to move or think spontaneously, felt nothing but anger/rage and fear/terror, couldn’t form sentences or communicate my feelings because all I felt was neurotic, paranoid, guilty, and self-conscious to the extreme, couldn’t make a decision to save my life, and the suicidal ideation was relentless 24/7.  The physical symptoms were acute and finally not so terrifying during the first year after jumping, and then the mental symptoms became more acute and continued to be terrifying but diminished over the next year.  By November, 2014, I thought I was ready to write my success story…  I was shaky, but thought things were manageable - all that remained of the physical symptoms was insomnia and tinnitus; but, I wasn’t as well as I thought and had a stress-related setback that sent me back into the mental symptoms again with a vengeance for the next year.  By September, 2015, I would have considered myself well again except that I had lost my best friend of 25 years during this process and, due to my inability to communicate, nearly lost my relationship with the younger of my two adult daughters.  I was nearly symptom-free, but was heart sick and my nerves were still frayed and not quite able to celebrate yet.

 

I think the thing that exacerbated things for me was lack of initial support.  It was so hard to fake being normal and made me even more nervous to be around people who expected me to be normal.  The reactions I got from the first people in whom I confided my dilemma were so shocking that I tried to hide my symptoms rather than explain yet again that I wasn’t well.  When I tried to explain to my best friend, she started avoiding my calls and when I sent her a written plea for help, she finally screamed at me, “don’t you ever send me one of your sob stories again”; and, that, after I was there for her during her alcohol recovery…  unfortunately, it set the tone for my fear of telling anyone else.  I felt that I exuded misery.  The horrific intrusive thoughts made it impossible for me to think or talk about anything else…  distracting myself took every brain cell I had, every second of the day, for years on end.  When I would talk with someone with whom I had to fake wellness, I would be incapacitated with relentless self-recrimination, fear and regret to such an extent that I would either try to lamely explain again or just avoid them.  The isolation was killer painful, and there’s no greater loneliness than benzo loneliness.  I finally found Benzo Buddies and found articles by Dr. Jennifer Leigh and Baylissa Fredericks (Bliss Johns) and shared them with my husband (he was mad at me for not working and we barely spoke for almost 3 years) …  it wasn’t until the 3rd year that I could get him to understand that, yes, I was sick and it wasn’t my fault that I was unable to function.  If you could have died from loneliness, lack of sleep, or just by wanting to die, I surely would have. I was hurting, physically, mentally, down to my bones and soul, and couldn’t find the words to express my need for help.  Thank God, I found support from an old friend, who I now consider an angel and for whom I’ll be forever grateful, and was finally able to confide in my sister when I had the confidence that I wouldn’t drive her away.  I sought help through AA and NA (I didn’t fit in there) and finally found a lovely group of women in a bible study who didn’t judge me (they were used to people who were struggling, complaining, and crying); but, of course, I had to be careful to not say all the crazy things that were on my mind.  My biggest fear was that people would know I was crazy and either fear me or force me to take the meds.  Thank God for Benzo Buddies!...  You were my lifeline when I had no one else.  You gave me hope that I would, indeed, eventually recover.  Yet, I was terrified that it would never end.  I thought I couldn’t stand another minute of it, much less another hour and another year, for 4 years.  Your success stories and camaraderie let me know that I wasn’t alone and kept me from doing anything drastic.

 

I just couldn’t interpret reality.  All three of my kids left home and got married while I was in withdrawal and recovery and I didn’t know where I stood with any of them.  I couldn’t tell if they were happy and independent, or if they’d run out of the house screaming and glad to be rid of me.  I was an empty-nester in the worst way.  All of my relationships were in a shambles and I felt like a stranger to everyone.  I was furious with my family and closest friends for not understanding and hurt beyond measure with those who didn’t understand and would rather think that I was lying about my predicament or that I’d just suddenly become a neurotic person rather than think I was telling the truth that a medication could wreak such havoc with a person’s mind and body.  I was so filled with anger that it was frightening.  Everything for 4 years of withdrawal and recovery had been filtered through my sick obsessive mind; and, after all of this, I was still sick in my heart for having failed my children and just didn’t know to what extent.  I was eventually able to get two of the kids to validate that things weren’t as bad as I feared, but my youngest adult daughter was keeping me at a distance, and I couldn’t figure out why or how badly she felt toward me after all these years of faking my emotions and trying to cover for my illness, and pursuing her did not turn out well.  Finally, last month, she reached out to me to validate that I had hurt her and was, indeed, not there for her when she needed me (I’d been a nervous wreck and shrank away when I should have come forward in some key family interactions and could only continue to kick myself and pray that I would be my old self soon and that the next social interaction or holiday would be better – I put a lot of pressure on myself to behave “better” next time); and, although I felt virtually symptom-free this last year, I was still sick that I’d hurt, and possibly lost, my youngest daughter through this benzo ordeal.  This was the last thing that weighed heavy on my mind and nervous system to feel that I’d failed as a mother and didn’t know how to explain my years of emotional absence.  Now that I am well again and able to communicate, some people have said, “Why didn’t you tell me”?  And, I could only reply that I tried, or that I just couldn’t explain it.  I used to tell my husband, “I used to be a good person”; and, he’d say, “you still are a good person”; and, I’d think…  you don’t know what I’m thinking.  Those self-recriminating thoughts are finally gone.  All the extreme anger and fear is finally gone.  I knew I was disingenuous and was faking my feelings…  I had to…  I couldn’t tell people how horrible I felt or how angry and afraid I really was.  The intrusive thoughts were something I’d have given anything to be rid of, and it felt just as awful to burden anyone else with them.  How could I celebrate my recovery when I still felt that I’d lost my family and hurt my children?  They were just graduating from high school when I went on the meds and graduating from college and moving out of the house when I was in withdrawal/recovery and it was all so disorienting.  I had misread every word and every gesture and was in gut-wrenching agony over how I wasted those last years that the kids were at home.  I just needed some validation and felt pathetic and needy for asking for it; but, by gosh, I sure needed it and, with some people, it just wasn’t forthcoming.  I’ve finally received and extended heartfelt apologies for my incomprehension during those years among those closest to me and cry at the thought that this all is finally, blessedly, mercifully behind me.  After years of crying with sorrow, I’m crying with sheer relief that my benzo withdrawal and recovery are finally done and that my closest relationships are still intact!  I feel like 5 years of stress and personal turmoil has been lifted off of me and, indeed, it has.

 

I can hear songs in my head again, instead of being consumed with horrific thoughts of rage and self-harm.  I can cook a meal without being completely bewildered about how to even start.  I can drink a beer while I’m barbecuing.  I can interact with people without crushing guilt and self-doubt.  This has actually been like a 5-year long session of regression therapy.  Every single thing that anyone had done to hurt me or that I’d done to hurt someone else, had come into my mind with the intrusive thoughts, all at the same time…  the overwhelming guilt, anger, and self-recrimination was soul crushing.  I hated myself, everyone and everything and was so bitter that I’d become a person that I despised; but, I’m laughing again, talking easily with friends and family again.  For years, I ran away from my neighbors when I saw them outside.  Now, I can have company over without falling apart at the seams, terrified that I’d say something stupid to drive them away or start crying and prove that I was, indeed, crazy.  My bed feels soft again instead of feeling like the sheets are made of glass shards and the pillow made of concrete.  My skin’s not crawling.  My mind’s not obsessing.  My heart’s not pounding.  I’m not in a 24/7 panic state.  I can relax again and feel joy again.  Even though I’m 60, my muscle tone is returning...  I know I should have exercised, but just couldn’t bring myself to with zero to several hours of sleep for years.  My physical stamina seems to be returning faster than I thought it would.  I’d lost 50 pounds and have gained back 10.  My wrinkles are lightening up.  My hair doesn’t feel like straw anymore.  I can remember the past in its correct context and without feeling guilty.  I can make decisions again and not fear the worst of outcomes.  Someone can tell me they’re busy, and I don’t assume the worst or that I’d done something wrong.  I can think and behave naturally again.  I can watch TV and enjoy listening to music again.  I can talk about benzo withdrawal and recovery without shaking or getting nauseous. 

 

Life is good again.  I wasn’t sure that I’d ever be able to say that.  But, it’s finally happened.

 

Please take heart.  Even if you’re one of the protracted people, this nightmare will eventually be over.  It took me two months short of 5 years, including the year-long taper, and the last year was just figuring out how bad things had gotten in my personal relationships, mitigating the relationships with my adult children, and accepting the loss of my best friend of 25 years.

 

I feel like I can pick up the pieces and start again.  I feel strong again.  The lessons I’ve learned will serve me well for the rest of my life.  By necessity, I’ve learned to cope with anger.  I’ve learned patience.  I’ve learned to try really hard not to judge other people so harshly because you never know what someone else is going through.  I’ve learned to distract from my own thoughts, no matter how relentless.  I’ve learned forgiveness and am so glad that the people in my life have learned to forgive me.  I’ve learned that I can relate with autistic people because I was trapped by my emotions in my own head and just couldn’t express it.  I’ve learned to never apologize again for taking care of myself and my nervous system; and, out of sheer necessity for survival had to cut a couple people out of my life who were causing me stress and exacerbating my illness by treating me badly…  I felt guilty at first, but learned who my real friends are, and true friends don’t kick you when you’re down.  If it weren’t for the mishap of hurting my daughter with my inability to comprehend or relate, I’d say that I successfully survived and came out better off for the experience and know, with a healthy mind, that relationship will continue to improve.  Special family events were just so unnerving to me and I put so much pressure on myself and my husband to make things happy that I took all the joy and spontaneity out of everything. I found it impossible to relax, and now I’m finally able to.  Now that I’m back to being myself, I hope I can prove that I’m not just a neurotic or inattentive mother and that I got knocked down but can pick myself back up again.  I found out how strong I really am, and that’s an incredible feeling.  It almost seems too good to be true that this ordeal could finally be over, but I’m positive it is.  I feel genuinely “myself” again and don’t have to talk and behave contrary to my feelings because I finally feel good again. 

 

I came into this experience with plenty of problems, otherwise I wouldn’t have been seeing a doctor, right?  But, I finally worked out a long lifetime of emotional issues out of sheer survival to make it through recovery.  I completely railed against the injustice of having this happen and felt that it ruined my life.  And, I can finally say that I do feel that I’m better off now than ever before.  To whomever is experiencing the not-to-be said ideation, you’re stronger than you know.  Try to avoid stress as much as you possibly can.  Treat yourself well and know that you deserve it.  If you feel desperate, seek help wherever you can.  Distract with whatever means you can.  I prayed incessantly, and I didn't have a religious bone in my body before this all started.  You will heal…  everything you’re going through is your body healing itself.  I fought it every step of the way and wanted to be better so badly that I stressed myself even more.  Every morning when I wake up now, I thank God that I slept and happy for 4 or 5 hours, that I’m alive and symptom free, and so glad that I didn’t do anything too stupid in my mentally-twisted state.  Count your blessings, even if you can’t think of a single one.  Everything’s going to be alright.  You’ll regain everything you’ve lost, even if it doesn’t look that way now.  Healing will come to you and you’ll be so grateful.  I know it’s impossible to do when you’re hurting, but try to relax and know that you will heal.  Please know that it will end and you’ll be so elated.  Bless you all!  Thank you all!  Thank all of you who support, maintain, and contribute to this site.  I can’t thank you enough.  When no one on the planet believed me, you were here for me and for each other.  You gave me hope and strength.  I am well again after nearly 5 years.  I spent this last year kind of getting over the trauma and felt like I’d been pulled through a knot hole backwards.  Now that I’m able to communicate again, out from under the guilt of failing as a mother due to my emotional absence and know that I haven’t done any permanent damage, I can stop blaming myself and benzo’s, and I’m finally ready to celebrate.  I’m still pinching myself and find it hard to believe that this benzo hell is finally over.  And, it finally is! 

 

Sorry this is so long.  Believe it or not, I was once successful in a career field where I wrote manuals that were considered the definitive source for company-internal technical documentation.  Imagine my horror in not being able to string an entire sentence together to explain my plight to loved one’s and friends during this ordeal.  I’m sure my mind will continue to improve now that I’m out from under the most stress-filled time of my life and just wanted to get my Success Story out there.  I hope you’ll take it in the spirit in which it’s intended.

 

My love and heartfelt thanks go out to you all,

 

Freida

 

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Wow what a story!  So great to hear and gives hope, even though I can't "feel" hope, I can believe it will come!  Please stay on the forum and encourage others in their journey.  We need more like you!  Loss of feelings of love and empathy along with all the other symptoms you describe are what I am going through!  So great to hear that this will return!
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Beautiful story! I'm so happy for you! I cried a lot during reading your story because I can relate in so many ways.

 

You give me hope, even right now I feel this suffering never going to end.

I'm only 4 months out and I don't feel to much improvement. Waiting for window.

 

Did you had window or you get gradually better and better?

Enjoy your life!

:smitten:

 

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What an encouraging success story !  I am two years off Xanax and doing very well but have a bit more healing to do.  I agree so with starting each day counting our blessings.  No matter how badly I felt, I usually felt better when I thought of the positives in my life.  Everyone who reads this can relate to parts of it and feel hopeful as to their own recovery.  You have survived a hellish journey and are stronger for it.  Love, hugs, and blessings.  KB
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Thank you so much for your replies.  It so hard to fake your feelings and I wish I had some good advice.  I did the "fake it till you make it", but I wasn't very good at it.  I couldn't tell if I was being too aloof or too gushy...  I'm naturally gushy; but, when I was sick it all felt wrong.  I knew who I loved, but couldn't find the appropriate words for the correct times and that's why I tried to limit my exposure.  I'm still not sure how I could have handled things any better.  Relaxing and being myself would have been optimal, but I've only been able to do that since I've felt better.  I realized that I couldn't read people's facial expressions or voice inflections either, but I can again.  I hope you keep trying to show your love.  My problem was that I went overboard and over corrected when I felt the relationship was in jeopardy, but I was more myself in relationships that I felt good about.  I hope you can convince yourself to relax and not put too much pressure on yourself.  I do think that's the mistake I made.

 

I did have windows.  I'd have to look back through some of my journals to see exactly when.  I'm pretty sure it wasn't until I was off benzo's for at least a year, maybe a year and a half.  I remember that it was short, but definitely wonderful.  It gave me hope that my real self was still under there.  I remember thinking that I can see how withdrawal could be confused with manic depression because I was sure elated to finally have a window.  All of the sudden, I realized that I wasn't obsessing and that I felt absolutely normal.  It went away about as quickly as I could recognize that I was in one.  Fortunately, they did come more and more often, started lasting longer and eventually the waves were less and less intense.  For a while, the windows and waves came unpredictably; but, as I got better, I noticed that the waves would come when I was in a stressful situation.  I tried avoiding stress as much as possible; but, with meeting the adult kids' new in laws and doing wedding arrangements with out of town guests, it was hard to get my nerves under control and, of course, the harder I tried to relax, the worse it got.  Eventually, at my last daughter's wedding, I kept my composure better than I had in a long time.  Indeed, my first window was an indication of things to come and things got better and better unless, as I said, there was just plan too much stress; and, even then, as time wore on, I managed it better and better.  I've had some stress since I've been well again, and it's nothing compared to how intense it had once been. 

 

Oh, I want to mention that, once I started feeling better, time started to speed up for me again...  when I was sick, the days felt like weeks.  Time is back into its proper perspective again and the days don't drag the way they once did.  I hope the time goes quickly for you and that you heal soon!

 

Sending you cyber hugs,

 

Freida

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Freida,

 

This is the best success story I have read and I have read them all.  I cried tears of relief that, someday, I will be well too.  Thank you for giving me the strength to continue until it is over.

 

Love,

 

Sofa

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Incredible story of survival out of sheer will and persistence!!!  :thumbsup: :thumbsup: It gives me hope.

 

Did the doctors ever find anything out of the ordinary in blood tests? Did you find any doctor who believed you?

 

I find the loneliness really hard. Everyone says, "Oh, I used to feel like that, too." And I want to scream at them, "No, you don't understand!!" My son stands by me. But I feel for him. He's trying to understand what I'm going through without ever having gone through it himself. Who can truly get what this is about unless they've experienced it? There's nothing to compare it to.

 

CONGRATULATIONS, Freida!!!! Enjoy the rest of your life!!!! You deserve it!!!!

 

 

 

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Thank you so much for your kindness and compassion!  I know that if it hadn't happened to me, I'd have found it hard to believe that a medication could make a person this sick!

 

I called my old primary care physician and she switched me from Xanax and Klonopin for its longer half life and monitored me during my taper for the following year.  I could tell that she didn't quite get it because she even tried to prescribe me Lunesta to help me sleep.  It was a sweet thought.  I actually even tried to take a half of one, out of desperation to sleep, but it made my tongue have the texture of cauliflower and changed my saliva glands and made everything I ate for the next two months taste like a tin can.  I haven't been back to the doctors since I jumped in 2011, except to recently see an ENT to get hearing aids last week; and, when I filled out their forms, I put down that I'm allergic to benzodiazepines.  I'm so afraid of it that I'm thinking of getting a medic-alert bracelet.  I feel better than I have for over 10 years.  I don't know what I'll do if another doctor wants to prescribe me anything...  I guess I'll explain my reaction to benzo's and think long and hard and do a ton of research before I take anything.

 

Thank you so much for your comments!  I wish you continued and complete healing soon!

 

Hugs,

 

Freida

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Dear Frieda,

 

Thank you sooo much for writing your story...what a true inspiration you are! Yes, Thank God you are finally healed!

I am just 4 years off Xanax...I still have many sxs you describe ....I feel like I am at a stand still now, and have been for months . I know healing is happening....it is a slow process ...

 

It is good to hear that possibly at 5 years....I may have complete healing.... I try to do normal things to feel normal....it helps somewhat.

I can relate to a lot of your story .....I still at this point just don't feel like me...but slowly getting there .

I still have my my mental and physical pain each day.....

 

I am sooo happy for you! God Bless you and thank you for sharing your story.

Much love and happiness ...little

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Such a beautifully written account of your struggles. Thank you so much for writing.  I can relate to so much, especially the children.  My two eldest went off to college during my withdrawal, and I feel the way you do. I wasn't there much for them during their high school years either because of interdose withdrawal, and it breaks my heart.    I'm so glad you have healed, it gives me hope for the future.  Sending you hugs and happiness.
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Hi freida8

 

  I agree with sofa, yours is the best success story I have read. Thank you for posting it and it is so encouraging too. I am 8 months out and having waves and windows. Right now in real tough wave after riding a 3 week window where I was feeling totally recovered. Yes indeed, tough going right now. I just want to say I am so happy for you and thanks again for the remarkable story of success. You are a strong person. Enjoy your life! Wish you and your family the best! 

 

 

  ldm27    :thumbsup:

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Great success story Freida.  It shows that while it can take much longer than we thought we will heal.  I am at about 2.5 years off and I am just now getting glimpses of what it can be like to be "normal".  While still symtomatic everythign is less intense.  Still have lots of healing to go but I can finally see this ending.  Thanks again!
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THANK YOU THANK YOU THANK YOU!

 

I am so glad that you recovered after such a horrific ordeal.

 

I'm so glad you shared this with us.

 

I used to write technical manuals too!! I wouldn't be able to write one technical sentence now!

 

Thank you.

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Amazing success story thank you. I think the best ones for me are the ones that go into the heart of the matter and in some way reaches out. I can say I relate to so much and I hear that you have gone through the pain and have grown from it.

My sister has not spoken to me for 2 years when I've been going through this which means I don't have contact with my nephew and niece which breaks my heart. And that feeling that she is keeping herself and her family away only adds to that feeling like I'm toxic in some way. I'm working every day on releasing the anger and shame I have around this and realising that I am powerless over her and the whole situation I find myself in. Accepting I think is the way for now a day at a time. It does not stop me from feeling the pain but like you, I'm working on not blaming myself or anyone else, just doing my best a day at a time.

 

Wishing you happiness and thanks again for sharing your story  :smitten: :smitten:

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Hi Freida8,

  I was moved by your story and found much of it hauntingly familiar. I see you had the horrible experience of having a friend kick you while you were down. You know it wasn't her fault as she had no idea the hell you were going through. You are able to convey you feelings well and I sense your growing strength, We're about the same age and I can certainly relate. Have a good life and enjoy the happiness you so dererve,

Sincerely, Chiper56

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This is simply one of the most beautifully written, if not the most beautiful success story I've read. The absolute rawness of this experience you've captured perfectly and expressed so eloquently.

 

Thank you so very much for coming back to share your story and give us all some much needed hope. You sound well, truly well, which is the greatest gift of all. I'm so happy for you!

 

:smitten:

 

 

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Oh my gosh...  Thank you so much for your comments.  You are all such amazing people, and it breaks my heart for anyone to be suffering like this. 

 

I don't know how to reply specifically to individual comments, but thank you for recommending that I not blame my friend for perhaps having compassion burnout.  I can't help but think that she could have at least once in 4 years called to even ask how I was doing.  I listened to her complain for 15 years about her husband and, as far as I'm concerned, when I was sinking, she jumped on the nearest party boat.  She finally stopped returning my calls or texts and I'm not even mad or hurt anymore.  I don't need to make her wrong to make me right; but, I'd rather have friends who show more compassion than that.  Surprisingly, I did make some new friends during this experience...  I simply had to keep putting myself out there to socialize and make new friends even though I wasn't quite well yet...  I kept reaching out to old friends and acquaintances and glad I did.  My attempts to explain my dilemma were feeble, but I met a girl in a bible study and also someone my age who suffers with Fibromyalgia (she could relate to not being able to make a social commitment in advance because you never know how sick you'll be from one minute to the next), and I have more good friends now than I even did before.  Of course, I didn't dump everything on them the first day we met, but little by little, let them know that I was shaking in my shoes from having gone off Xanax.  Funny, I never even thought of it that way until now.  These women are compassionate and kind and shared my grief with me, and I consider them very good friends now.

 

Regarding family members, though...  you can't just break up with them or write them off.  In hind-sight, I realize that it made matters worse when I tried to talk to my adult daughters when I was still sick.  I tried, of course, but it went a lot better to wait until I was completely healed to broach the subject again.  It just seemed so much less stressful or complicated to finally be able to talk in past tense rather than present tense...  to say "I'd been sick" and then explain what happened, rather than "I'm so sick" and then say how horrible I feel.  I'd read where other people had the same problem and saw advice to them saying:  just concentrate on yourself and your healing right now and work on those relationships when you're well again.  And, I think that makes a lot of sense.  I don't know anything, so please don't go by me.  But, I promise you...  no matter how bad the family relationship is now, it will get better when you're able to communicate from a healthy mind rather than a sick one.  I know you miss your niece and nephew, and my heart goes out to you.  Be patient, and it's all going to be okay.  (Be patient...  sheesh...  easy for me to say...  I know it's impossible to be patient when you're suffering, so I guess I mean to say to Hang in There).  Since I've been well, I've found dozens of hand-written notes and online documents with attempts to reach out to my daughter, none of which I sent to her.  But, when the time was right and I was well, the conversation went much better and she even texted me tonight and said "I love you".  Thank God!  If you're a praying person, just pray, relax, and wait for the right time and it'll all work out alright.  (Again, I know it's impossible to relax when your relationship with your beloved sister, niece and nephew are on the line; but, trust me, you need to take care of you right now.  Get healthy, and the rest will come).  If you have to get it off your mind, write to your sister and explain how you feel and one day the opportunity will present itself and you'll have the right words, I promise you.  I carried printed copies in my purse of Jennifer Leigh's and Baylissa Frederick's articles for nearly 6 months in the off-chance that I'd have the opportunity to share them with my daughter because they explained what I wasn't able to; and, I was finally able to share them with her, and it made a world of difference.  She finally said, "I'm so sorry that happened to you".  Those were the most wonderfully-incredible words I've heard in all my life!  When your mind is healthy again, it will all fall into place.  I know it will.  Your sister doesn't understand now, but one day she will.  You're all that matters now, and it's not being selfish...  you need to think of you first and get well so that you're well again and happy for the people you love and who love you.

 

Oh, to the person who's seeing glimpses of being "normal" again...  just wanted to say that's such good news!!!!  I'm so happy for you.  Indeed, you're well on your way and it could be any day; but, you know it's possible to feel normal again and you surely will.  And, one day, no more waves will come.  I'm so excited for you.  I wish you a completely waveless future! 

 

I'm so sorry.  If I'm being a blow-hard, please disregard me.  I just wish I'd have known then what I know now and hope it helps in any way.  I know all our experiences are different.  I'm not trying to be a know-it-all and if I've come off as offense, please forgive me.

 

You're all so fabulous and so strong!!!

 

I wish you quick healing and send you tons of hugs,

 

Freida

 

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I agree that this is the best success story. I recognize so much of my current situation in your story. You have given hope to so many including myself. Thank you so much.

 

God bless  :smitten:

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You flatter me, indeed.  By all means, feel free to do whatever you like, of course.  Thank you!!!

 

Hugs and love,

 

Freida

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Freida--I so relate to your story, especially the details aobut strugging with relationships with your family and friends. 

So glad you have healed!  Thank you for taking the time to share your story.

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