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Thank you for posting this it helped me as i am waking up feeling so hopless and dispair. . i am on month three and i have had alot of good windows but this last week is a knew nightmare.. Dipression hit so hard i am afraid and hopeless .. I have so many thoughts that want to destroy me please help..
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This is a great success story!  I will follow your lead on out the door to a life of healing and recovery! Eating my greens everyday!  Thank you Thank you! So much for your words!

 

Val :smitten:

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Thank you for posting this it helped me as i am waking up feeling so hopless and dispair. . i am on month three and i have had alot of good windows but this last week is a knew nightmare.. Dipression hit so hard i am afraid and hopeless .. I have so many thoughts that want to destroy me please help..

 

I have struggled with depression for a long time and in withdrawal it has gotten worse at times. But even though it feels like it's true, the Hopeless feelings Etc, it's not! This will all pass, just give it time. Try to distract yourself with whatever way you can - TV, games, etcetera. Take your mind off of how you're feeling as much as you can. You can make it through this process!

It would help if you would put your information in your signature as far as your symptoms, tapering process etcetera.

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Thank you so much for posting this...it renewed my spirits!  I had a good stretch last week, but am getting hit hard by a wave the last few days and really needed this.  God bless you!
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  • 3 weeks later...

Hello Buddies!

 

Before I say anything else, I want to reassure any readers who are struggling: THIS ENDS. You WILL recover. You will be able to live a normal life again, and whatever symptoms you have now will fade away with time. I am beginning my story with these words because these are the words I needed to hear a hundred times a day during my waves. The encouragement and reassurance found in Success Stories literally kept me alive during my darkest days. There were days when all I could do was read the same stories again and again. Here is my story...

 

The Background

 

I was prescribed Klonpin in May 2005 by a psychiatrist I trusted at the age of 22.  I had struggled with anxiety on and off for several years, which worsened in the beginning of 2005 with circumstances I created myself. Even though I was young and trusted my doctor, I am the one who chose to swallow those little yellow pills. And I kept swallowing them until August 19th, 2015. I transitioned away from a psychiatrist and my GP just kept renewing the prescription year after year with no concern. I really didn't attribute any negative effects to Klonopin during the time I took it. I only now realize what an incredibly significant impact it had on my life. As Dr. Ashton observes:

 

“Many users have remarked that it was not until they came off their drugs that they realised they had been operating below par for all the years they had been taking them. It was as though a net curtain or veil had been lifted from their eyes: slowly, sometimes suddenly, colours became brighter, grass greener, mind clearer, fears vanished, mood lifted, and physical vigour returned.”

 

I had read very little about benzos or benzo withdrawal until I decided it was time to come off. In the back of my mind I suspected they were addictive and worried coming off would be difficult, but I had no idea I was about to embark on the most gut-wrenching experience of my life when I began my taper in April 2015...

 

The Taper

 

I arbitrarily decided to pace my taper at a reduction of 12.5% every two weeks. My dose was 1mg, so I was done in only four months. I had briefly perused the Ashton Manual and suggested switching to Valium to my doc, but he dismissed the idea. The primary and most severe withdrawal symptom I had during the taper was depression. It was unlike anything I had ever experienced. The word depression just doesn't do it justice. It was despair. I am a father of 3 and the sole bread winner in my home, so I had to function. I had to go to work.  Because I didn’t know much about benzo w/d, I didn't directly attribute the depression to the taper. This is probably I good thing, as I'm not sure I would have continued had I known the deep despair I felt was a withdrawal symptom. The waves and windows began happening during the taper as I oscillated between complete dysphoria and feeling almost normal some of the time.

 

The Jump

 

When I jumped in August the floor came out from under me. In addition to the despair I had many other symptoms including anxiety, which is better described as intense fear. The fear would 'find things' to attach itself to--I was afraid of my job, afraid of the inside of my car, afraid of my home. There is really no way to accurately put it into words. I remember spending large chunks of those early days curled up on the floor next to my bed. I could hardly interact with my wife and kids. I was forced to take leave from work, which was only approved for four weeks. Those first six weeks post-jump were by far the worst. I had insomnia too, which was mostly characterized by waking at 4-5am in a state of panic, thrashing around in my warm bed next to my wife who just couldn't relate to what I was going through. I went to the doc 6 days post-jump for "help" and he completely dismissed me. He said "what you're experiencing now is just be your baseline anxiety, which was covered up by the drug." I left with a new script for Valium which I never took. I trusted doctors, but I knew what I was going through wasn't "baseline" for me or anyone. The mornings were the worst time of day. From what I understand, the glutamate and cortisol present in the morning are too much for a brain with damaged GABA receptors to handle. The afternoons and evenings were generally much better, but I would go to bed knowing what the morning would likely bring...

 

The Windows

 

I had my first 3-day window in mid-September. This was a huge blessing from a timing standpoint. I was able to baptize my oldest son on 9/13 with family and friends there to celebrate. I should mention that I am extremely grateful to have been spared the awful physical symptoms many endure.  I had no muscle pain or burning, tinnitus, etc. My heart goes out to those who suffer physical AND psychological symptoms. My symptoms continued to be the big three: depression, anxiety, and insomnia. I had my first 'long' window in October, which lasted about 10 days. I wasn't great, but I was better, and it was very encouraging. I had another long window in November, which was even better than October's.  What Ashton says is true:

 

"There is no need to be discouraged by these wave-like recurrences; the waves become less severe and less frequent as time passes."

 

December came with a severe "wave-like recurrence." It felt like I had been taken back to square one. The non-linear nature of benzo withdrawal and recovery is the most frustrating, discouraging, confusing, and difficult thing about the whole experience. My waves and windows continued through the winter. I never knew what each day would bring, and I was extremely vulnerable to stress. Some waves were worse than others, some windows better than others...

 

The Recovery

 

The seven month mark was the turning point for me. I started to lose interest in reading Success Stories, and I began to feel completely recovered the majority of the time. The mornings were still very challenging for me, but the intense, near-crippling fear was gone, and the anxiety began to abate earlier in the day.

 

I felt like I was coming back to life and the changes I began to experience made me realize just what an awful impact these little pills had on my life. I realized I had become emotionally blunted, unable to respond with appropriate emotions to my wife and children. I realized through my new-found sense of calm that I had been living with a general restlessness and sense of dread, always wanting to move on to whatever was next. Certain tasks and situations irritated me greatly. My attention span was short. My short-term memory was deteriorating. My attention to detail was deficient. All of this has since begun to reverse--significantly. Our brains are, in fact, wonderfully designed and capable of incredible healing. I get excited about things again. I look forward to things again. I laugh and goof off with my kids. I can focus now and learn new things quickly again. I dream and hope and I no longer resent others who live passionately with big hopes and dreams. I am recovered. I am healed.

 

The People

 

The non-linear nature of benzo w/d is the toughest thing about it, but a close second is the fact that people just don't understand. How could they? Words fail us when we try to describe the horror, and we often appear 'normal' on the outside when we are in hell on the inside. Benzo withdrawal is an extremely lonely experience. For me, I wasn't inclined to participate in any discussions here on BB. All I could do was read Success Stories over and over. Even though I didn't know the authors, I knew they understood what I was going through. They became my friends. While my family and friends were incapable of grasping the severity and intensity of my experience, they stood by me and supported me through it. They remained patient and reminded me over and over that I would recover (often after I asked for reminders!) I could send a text to certain people day or night who would respond with an encouraging word. The one person who walked with me, hurt with me, and intimately understood what I was going through is my Lord Jesus Christ. I admit there were many times when it felt as if He had forsaken me, but He has promised to never leave or forsake us and He keeps His promises. He felt a hammer in the palms of his hands and He is with us in our suffering. While there is no way around benzo withdrawal (you must go through it), there are things that help. Here is my list of tips:

 

Prayer: He cares. He loves you. He wants a relationship with you. He hears you, even when you feel utterly alone. Use this time of suffering to draw near to God.

 

Exercise: Exercise is one of the best things you can do for yourself whether tapering, in active withdrawal, or recovery. I highly recommend the book "Spark" by John Ratey. It details the effects of exercise on brain function.  I learned about it through another buddy's story. I firmly believe consistent exercise sped up my recovery.

 

Diet: I definitely don't think there are any supplements or dietary plans that help everyone, but eating foods such as healthy fats and leafy greens will help your brain and body as they work to recover. I believe I was taking too many supplements early in w/d. I stopped them all after a month as I feared they were actually interfering with my recovery.

 

Breathing: The most useful breathing technique for me was the 4-7-8 method. While this didn't seem to take the edge off during times of intense anxiety, it did help me fall back asleep if I woke up during the night. I will continue to use it the rest of my life to help manage everyday stress.

 

Distraction: I know firsthand how difficult it can be during waves to focus on anything other than how awful you feel, but you must try. I found watching comedies in the evenings to be a helpful reprieve. Whatever will take your mind off of YOU is a good thing.

 

Support: we all need as much support as we can get during this. Find a patient family member, friend, or benzo buddy you can turn to. Again, this experience can be very lonely, and people can't understand, but we must lean on them.

 

Acceptance: I read in someone else's success story something along these lines: "the more I raged against the process, the more difficult it was." This was absolutely true for me. As hard as it is, we cope much better when we realize we cannot control or short-circuit the process of recovery and our brains know exactly how to heal. We have to let go, accept the waves as they come, and let our brilliantly designed brains do what they need to.

 

Time: if you've read any number of success stories, you already know that time is the only true antidote to a brain impacted by benzo use. I think it is very important to avoid comparing your own experience and timeline to anyone else's and remember that complete recovery will happen with time. I found it helpful to imagine myself a year, two years, three years in the future and think of how much better I would be. You will be so much better!

 

Friends, I know how bad this can be and how permanent this experience can seem. I would almost classify the thoughts/feelings of "oh-my-God-this-is-permanent" as a withdrawal symptom itself. Your thinking is distorted and incredibly flawed when you are withdrawing/recovering from benzo use. It normalizes with time. This process takes a tremendous amount of courage, and while the world will never recognize or reward us for surviving this, we are all champions and conquerors as far as I'm concerned! Please remember that whatever your symptoms, they are not, as Ashton says, “signs of illness, but signals of recovery.” The waves try to convince you that you’ll never be well again and that you’re doomed to a symptomatic life. THE WAVES LIE. TRUST THE WINDOWS—they tell the truth! The windows offer a sweet foretaste of how good you’ll feel when your recovery is complete. Take heart, buddies. You are all in my daily prayers...

 

What a positive, encouraging post, It mirrors mine so

Much, especially the depression being severe. It is sooooo

True you get lost in the I will never get better so thanks for

The reassurance. Copied and pasted this to read over and over

Thanks so much!

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Thank you so much for this. I know that you know how important it is that people write stories like these. They give us the reassurance that we so desperately need when it seems like all hope is gone. I'm so glad that you beat this monster :)
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  • 3 weeks later...
Thank you. I needed to read that. Its very encouraging hearing this from someone who feels better. It also extremely reassuring because i feel like im doing the same things you did with the diet, excersice, the people around you etc and it made me feel hope again. You really did make my day better and I truly appreciate you.
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  • 2 months later...
This is a great story! Since joining benzo buddies, I have read this success story over and over.  Very encouraging!
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  • 1 month later...
Thank you so much for writing this. I had a long few month window and then a sudden wave and it has scared me to death. Everything you wrote is what I have experienced. I've been on here giving others support, going to meetings, self care is so important. It truly does feel like it will be forever when you're in it. I like what you said about trust the windows. I will hold onto that for dear life THANK YOU. And bless you.
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  • 2 months later...

Hello Buddies!

 

Before I say anything else, I want to reassure any readers who are struggling: THIS ENDS. You WILL recover. You will be able to live a normal life again, and whatever symptoms you have now will fade away with time. I am beginning my story with these words because these are the words I needed to hear a hundred times a day during my waves. The encouragement and reassurance found in Success Stories literally kept me alive during my darkest days. There were days when all I could do was read the same stories again and again. Here is my story...

 

The Background

 

I was prescribed Klonpin in May 2005 by a psychiatrist I trusted at the age of 22.  I had struggled with anxiety on and off for several years, which worsened in the beginning of 2005 with circumstances I created myself. Even though I was young and trusted my doctor, I am the one who chose to swallow those little yellow pills. And I kept swallowing them until August 19th, 2015. I transitioned away from a psychiatrist and my GP just kept renewing the prescription year after year with no concern. I really didn't attribute any negative effects to Klonopin during the time I took it. I only now realize what an incredibly significant impact it had on my life. As Dr. Ashton observes:

 

“Many users have remarked that it was not until they came off their drugs that they realised they had been operating below par for all the years they had been taking them. It was as though a net curtain or veil had been lifted from their eyes: slowly, sometimes suddenly, colours became brighter, grass greener, mind clearer, fears vanished, mood lifted, and physical vigour returned.”

 

I had read very little about benzos or benzo withdrawal until I decided it was time to come off. In the back of my mind I suspected they were addictive and worried coming off would be difficult, but I had no idea I was about to embark on the most gut-wrenching experience of my life when I began my taper in April 2015...

 

The Taper

 

I arbitrarily decided to pace my taper at a reduction of 12.5% every two weeks. My dose was 1mg, so I was done in only four months. I had briefly perused the Ashton Manual and suggested switching to Valium to my doc, but he dismissed the idea. The primary and most severe withdrawal symptom I had during the taper was depression. It was unlike anything I had ever experienced. The word depression just doesn't do it justice. It was despair. I am a father of 3 and the sole bread winner in my home, so I had to function. I had to go to work.  Because I didn’t know much about benzo w/d, I didn't directly attribute the depression to the taper. This is probably I good thing, as I'm not sure I would have continued had I known the deep despair I felt was a withdrawal symptom. The waves and windows began happening during the taper as I oscillated between complete dysphoria and feeling almost normal some of the time.

 

The Jump

 

When I jumped in August the floor came out from under me. In addition to the despair I had many other symptoms including anxiety, which is better described as intense fear. The fear would 'find things' to attach itself to--I was afraid of my job, afraid of the inside of my car, afraid of my home. There is really no way to accurately put it into words. I remember spending large chunks of those early days curled up on the floor next to my bed. I could hardly interact with my wife and kids. I was forced to take leave from work, which was only approved for four weeks. Those first six weeks post-jump were by far the worst. I had insomnia too, which was mostly characterized by waking at 4-5am in a state of panic, thrashing around in my warm bed next to my wife who just couldn't relate to what I was going through. I went to the doc 6 days post-jump for "help" and he completely dismissed me. He said "what you're experiencing now is just be your baseline anxiety, which was covered up by the drug." I left with a new script for Valium which I never took. I trusted doctors, but I knew what I was going through wasn't "baseline" for me or anyone. The mornings were the worst time of day. From what I understand, the glutamate and cortisol present in the morning are too much for a brain with damaged GABA receptors to handle. The afternoons and evenings were generally much better, but I would go to bed knowing what the morning would likely bring...

 

The Windows

 

I had my first 3-day window in mid-September. This was a huge blessing from a timing standpoint. I was able to baptize my oldest son on 9/13 with family and friends there to celebrate. I should mention that I am extremely grateful to have been spared the awful physical symptoms many endure.  I had no muscle pain or burning, tinnitus, etc. My heart goes out to those who suffer physical AND psychological symptoms. My symptoms continued to be the big three: depression, anxiety, and insomnia. I had my first 'long' window in October, which lasted about 10 days. I wasn't great, but I was better, and it was very encouraging. I had another long window in November, which was even better than October's.  What Ashton says is true:

 

"There is no need to be discouraged by these wave-like recurrences; the waves become less severe and less frequent as time passes."

 

December came with a severe "wave-like recurrence." It felt like I had been taken back to square one. The non-linear nature of benzo withdrawal and recovery is the most frustrating, discouraging, confusing, and difficult thing about the whole experience. My waves and windows continued through the winter. I never knew what each day would bring, and I was extremely vulnerable to stress. Some waves were worse than others, some windows better than others...

 

The Recovery

 

The seven month mark was the turning point for me. I started to lose interest in reading Success Stories, and I began to feel completely recovered the majority of the time. The mornings were still very challenging for me, but the intense, near-crippling fear was gone, and the anxiety began to abate earlier in the day.

 

I felt like I was coming back to life and the changes I began to experience made me realize just what an awful impact these little pills had on my life. I realized I had become emotionally blunted, unable to respond with appropriate emotions to my wife and children. I realized through my new-found sense of calm that I had been living with a general restlessness and sense of dread, always wanting to move on to whatever was next. Certain tasks and situations irritated me greatly. My attention span was short. My short-term memory was deteriorating. My attention to detail was deficient. All of this has since begun to reverse--significantly. Our brains are, in fact, wonderfully designed and capable of incredible healing. I get excited about things again. I look forward to things again. I laugh and goof off with my kids. I can focus now and learn new things quickly again. I dream and hope and I no longer resent others who live passionately with big hopes and dreams. I am recovered. I am healed.

 

The People

 

The non-linear nature of benzo w/d is the toughest thing about it, but a close second is the fact that people just don't understand. How could they? Words fail us when we try to describe the horror, and we often appear 'normal' on the outside when we are in hell on the inside. Benzo withdrawal is an extremely lonely experience. For me, I wasn't inclined to participate in any discussions here on BB. All I could do was read Success Stories over and over. Even though I didn't know the authors, I knew they understood what I was going through. They became my friends. While my family and friends were incapable of grasping the severity and intensity of my experience, they stood by me and supported me through it. They remained patient and reminded me over and over that I would recover (often after I asked for reminders!) I could send a text to certain people day or night who would respond with an encouraging word. The one person who walked with me, hurt with me, and intimately understood what I was going through is my Lord Jesus Christ. I admit there were many times when it felt as if He had forsaken me, but He has promised to never leave or forsake us and He keeps His promises. He felt a hammer in the palms of his hands and He is with us in our suffering. While there is no way around benzo withdrawal (you must go through it), there are things that help. Here is my list of tips:

 

Prayer: He cares. He loves you. He wants a relationship with you. He hears you, even when you feel utterly alone. Use this time of suffering to draw near to God.

 

Exercise: Exercise is one of the best things you can do for yourself whether tapering, in active withdrawal, or recovery. I highly recommend the book "Spark" by John Ratey. It details the effects of exercise on brain function.  I learned about it through another buddy's story. I firmly believe consistent exercise sped up my recovery.

 

Diet: I definitely don't think there are any supplements or dietary plans that help everyone, but eating foods such as healthy fats and leafy greens will help your brain and body as they work to recover. I believe I was taking too many supplements early in w/d. I stopped them all after a month as I feared they were actually interfering with my recovery.

 

Breathing: The most useful breathing technique for me was the 4-7-8 method. While this didn't seem to take the edge off during times of intense anxiety, it did help me fall back asleep if I woke up during the night. I will continue to use it the rest of my life to help manage everyday stress.

 

Distraction: I know firsthand how difficult it can be during waves to focus on anything other than how awful you feel, but you must try. I found watching comedies in the evenings to be a helpful reprieve. Whatever will take your mind off of YOU is a good thing.

 

Support: we all need as much support as we can get during this. Find a patient family member, friend, or benzo buddy you can turn to. Again, this experience can be very lonely, and people can't understand, but we must lean on them.

 

Acceptance: I read in someone else's success story something along these lines: "the more I raged against the process, the more difficult it was." This was absolutely true for me. As hard as it is, we cope much better when we realize we cannot control or short-circuit the process of recovery and our brains know exactly how to heal. We have to let go, accept the waves as they come, and let our brilliantly designed brains do what they need to.

 

Time: if you've read any number of success stories, you already know that time is the only true antidote to a brain impacted by benzo use. I think it is very important to avoid comparing your own experience and timeline to anyone else's and remember that complete recovery will happen with time. I found it helpful to imagine myself a year, two years, three years in the future and think of how much better I would be. You will be so much better!

 

Friends, I know how bad this can be and how permanent this experience can seem. I would almost classify the thoughts/feelings of "oh-my-God-this-is-permanent" as a withdrawal symptom itself. Your thinking is distorted and incredibly flawed when you are withdrawing/recovering from benzo use. It normalizes with time. This process takes a tremendous amount of courage, and while the world will never recognize or reward us for surviving this, we are all champions and conquerors as far as I'm concerned! Please remember that whatever your symptoms, they are not, as Ashton says, “signs of illness, but signals of recovery.” The waves try to convince you that you’ll never be well again and that you’re doomed to a symptomatic life. THE WAVES LIE. TRUST THE WINDOWS—they tell the truth! The windows offer a sweet foretaste of how good you’ll feel when your recovery is complete. Take heart, buddies. You are all in my daily prayers...

 

Thank you freedom...I needed some success stories today.... jumped 3 weeks ago and was making good progress....last 2 days feels like it's all been erased...your story reminds me that it has not been erased...thanks..

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"Trust the Windows" is a great saying for this whole journey. When we feel better a little we get real high but when symptoms hit we get very very low. This type of mantra helps those low times. This should be put on a wristband or shirt!!!  :thumbsup: 
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Hello Buddies!

 

Before I say anything else, I want to reassure any readers who are struggling: THIS ENDS. You WILL recover. You will be able to live a normal life again, and whatever symptoms you have now will fade away with time. I am beginning my story with these words because these are the words I needed to hear a hundred times a day during my waves. The encouragement and reassurance found in Success Stories literally kept me alive during my darkest days. There were days when all I could do was read the same stories again and again. Here is my story...

 

The Background

 

I was prescribed Klonpin in May 2005 by a psychiatrist I trusted at the age of 22.  I had struggled with anxiety on and off for several years, which worsened in the beginning of 2005 with circumstances I created myself. Even though I was young and trusted my doctor, I am the one who chose to swallow those little yellow pills. And I kept swallowing them until August 19th, 2015. I transitioned away from a psychiatrist and my GP just kept renewing the prescription year after year with no concern. I really didn't attribute any negative effects to Klonopin during the time I took it. I only now realize what an incredibly significant impact it had on my life. As Dr. Ashton observes:

 

“Many users have remarked that it was not until they came off their drugs that they realised they had been operating below par for all the years they had been taking them. It was as though a net curtain or veil had been lifted from their eyes: slowly, sometimes suddenly, colours became brighter, grass greener, mind clearer, fears vanished, mood lifted, and physical vigour returned.”

 

I had read very little about benzos or benzo withdrawal until I decided it was time to come off. In the back of my mind I suspected they were addictive and worried coming off would be difficult, but I had no idea I was about to embark on the most gut-wrenching experience of my life when I began my taper in April 2015...

 

The Taper

 

I arbitrarily decided to pace my taper at a reduction of 12.5% every two weeks. My dose was 1mg, so I was done in only four months. I had briefly perused the Ashton Manual and suggested switching to Valium to my doc, but he dismissed the idea. The primary and most severe withdrawal symptom I had during the taper was depression. It was unlike anything I had ever experienced. The word depression just doesn't do it justice. It was despair. I am a father of 3 and the sole bread winner in my home, so I had to function. I had to go to work.  Because I didn’t know much about benzo w/d, I didn't directly attribute the depression to the taper. This is probably I good thing, as I'm not sure I would have continued had I known the deep despair I felt was a withdrawal symptom. The waves and windows began happening during the taper as I oscillated between complete dysphoria and feeling almost normal some of the time.

 

The Jump

 

When I jumped in August the floor came out from under me. In addition to the despair I had many other symptoms including anxiety, which is better described as intense fear. The fear would 'find things' to attach itself to--I was afraid of my job, afraid of the inside of my car, afraid of my home. There is really no way to accurately put it into words. I remember spending large chunks of those early days curled up on the floor next to my bed. I could hardly interact with my wife and kids. I was forced to take leave from work, which was only approved for four weeks. Those first six weeks post-jump were by far the worst. I had insomnia too, which was mostly characterized by waking at 4-5am in a state of panic, thrashing around in my warm bed next to my wife who just couldn't relate to what I was going through. I went to the doc 6 days post-jump for "help" and he completely dismissed me. He said "what you're experiencing now is just be your baseline anxiety, which was covered up by the drug." I left with a new script for Valium which I never took. I trusted doctors, but I knew what I was going through wasn't "baseline" for me or anyone. The mornings were the worst time of day. From what I understand, the glutamate and cortisol present in the morning are too much for a brain with damaged GABA receptors to handle. The afternoons and evenings were generally much better, but I would go to bed knowing what the morning would likely bring...

 

The Windows

 

I had my first 3-day window in mid-September. This was a huge blessing from a timing standpoint. I was able to baptize my oldest son on 9/13 with family and friends there to celebrate. I should mention that I am extremely grateful to have been spared the awful physical symptoms many endure.  I had no muscle pain or burning, tinnitus, etc. My heart goes out to those who suffer physical AND psychological symptoms. My symptoms continued to be the big three: depression, anxiety, and insomnia. I had my first 'long' window in October, which lasted about 10 days. I wasn't great, but I was better, and it was very encouraging. I had another long window in November, which was even better than October's.  What Ashton says is true:

 

"There is no need to be discouraged by these wave-like recurrences; the waves become less severe and less frequent as time passes."

 

December came with a severe "wave-like recurrence." It felt like I had been taken back to square one. The non-linear nature of benzo withdrawal and recovery is the most frustrating, discouraging, confusing, and difficult thing about the whole experience. My waves and windows continued through the winter. I never knew what each day would bring, and I was extremely vulnerable to stress. Some waves were worse than others, some windows better than others...

 

The Recovery

 

The seven month mark was the turning point for me. I started to lose interest in reading Success Stories, and I began to feel completely recovered the majority of the time. The mornings were still very challenging for me, but the intense, near-crippling fear was gone, and the anxiety began to abate earlier in the day.

 

I felt like I was coming back to life and the changes I began to experience made me realize just what an awful impact these little pills had on my life. I realized I had become emotionally blunted, unable to respond with appropriate emotions to my wife and children. I realized through my new-found sense of calm that I had been living with a general restlessness and sense of dread, always wanting to move on to whatever was next. Certain tasks and situations irritated me greatly. My attention span was short. My short-term memory was deteriorating. My attention to detail was deficient. All of this has since begun to reverse--significantly. Our brains are, in fact, wonderfully designed and capable of incredible healing. I get excited about things again. I look forward to things again. I laugh and goof off with my kids. I can focus now and learn new things quickly again. I dream and hope and I no longer resent others who live passionately with big hopes and dreams. I am recovered. I am healed.

 

The People

 

The non-linear nature of benzo w/d is the toughest thing about it, but a close second is the fact that people just don't understand. How could they? Words fail us when we try to describe the horror, and we often appear 'normal' on the outside when we are in hell on the inside. Benzo withdrawal is an extremely lonely experience. For me, I wasn't inclined to participate in any discussions here on BB. All I could do was read Success Stories over and over. Even though I didn't know the authors, I knew they understood what I was going through. They became my friends. While my family and friends were incapable of grasping the severity and intensity of my experience, they stood by me and supported me through it. They remained patient and reminded me over and over that I would recover (often after I asked for reminders!) I could send a text to certain people day or night who would respond with an encouraging word. The one person who walked with me, hurt with me, and intimately understood what I was going through is my Lord Jesus Christ. I admit there were many times when it felt as if He had forsaken me, but He has promised to never leave or forsake us and He keeps His promises. He felt a hammer in the palms of his hands and He is with us in our suffering. While there is no way around benzo withdrawal (you must go through it), there are things that help. Here is my list of tips:

 

Prayer: He cares. He loves you. He wants a relationship with you. He hears you, even when you feel utterly alone. Use this time of suffering to draw near to God.

 

Exercise: Exercise is one of the best things you can do for yourself whether tapering, in active withdrawal, or recovery. I highly recommend the book "Spark" by John Ratey. It details the effects of exercise on brain function.  I learned about it through another buddy's story. I firmly believe consistent exercise sped up my recovery.

 

Diet: I definitely don't think there are any supplements or dietary plans that help everyone, but eating foods such as healthy fats and leafy greens will help your brain and body as they work to recover. I believe I was taking too many supplements early in w/d. I stopped them all after a month as I feared they were actually interfering with my recovery.

 

Breathing: The most useful breathing technique for me was the 4-7-8 method. While this didn't seem to take the edge off during times of intense anxiety, it did help me fall back asleep if I woke up during the night. I will continue to use it the rest of my life to help manage everyday stress.

 

Distraction: I know firsthand how difficult it can be during waves to focus on anything other than how awful you feel, but you must try. I found watching comedies in the evenings to be a helpful reprieve. Whatever will take your mind off of YOU is a good thing.

 

Support: we all need as much support as we can get during this. Find a patient family member, friend, or benzo buddy you can turn to. Again, this experience can be very lonely, and people can't understand, but we must lean on them.

 

Acceptance: I read in someone else's success story something along these lines: "the more I raged against the process, the more difficult it was." This was absolutely true for me. As hard as it is, we cope much better when we realize we cannot control or short-circuit the process of recovery and our brains know exactly how to heal. We have to let go, accept the waves as they come, and let our brilliantly designed brains do what they need to.

 

Time: if you've read any number of success stories, you already know that time is the only true antidote to a brain impacted by benzo use. I think it is very important to avoid comparing your own experience and timeline to anyone else's and remember that complete recovery will happen with time. I found it helpful to imagine myself a year, two years, three years in the future and think of how much better I would be. You will be so much better!

 

Friends, I know how bad this can be and how permanent this experience can seem. I would almost classify the thoughts/feelings of "oh-my-God-this-is-permanent" as a withdrawal symptom itself. Your thinking is distorted and incredibly flawed when you are withdrawing/recovering from benzo use. It normalizes with time. This process takes a tremendous amount of courage, and while the world will never recognize or reward us for surviving this, we are all champions and conquerors as far as I'm concerned! Please remember that whatever your symptoms, they are not, as Ashton says, “signs of illness, but signals of recovery.” The waves try to convince you that you’ll never be well again and that you’re doomed to a symptomatic life. THE WAVES LIE. TRUST THE WINDOWS—they tell the truth! The windows offer a sweet foretaste of how good you’ll feel when your recovery is complete. Take heart, buddies. You are all in my daily prayers...

 

I just had a wonderful window of 4 days..I thought the worst was over.....and just like that I am in a wave that is kicking my ass second day now...it's so cruel this process...I was hoping i would be spared a long recovery since I only took 30mg total over 2months including my taper...but we are all different... so glad I found benzo buddies early... :thumbsup:

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  • 2 months later...
I have been up and down in my 9-11 months. I stopped exercising in Sept. August felt like total recovery as I exercised hard. I let stress and fear creep up again. I realize I was having PTSD from starting a new job. But it's probably waves too. I feared failing at my new job last year only to find out through having failed my second eval this year that they thought I was doing fine. Having a tough time this year and finally made a decision that withdrawal caused me to put off that will greatly reduce the stress next year. But getting there seems daunting. I realize I am exhausted from the fear and the fight. But the waves are shorter and milder. It's difficult to function but I am taking your advice to start exercising to speed healing. My work still scares me but I have drawn closer to God I know he used this to bring me to Him. Especially these last 2 months.  Any advice is appreciated.
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  • 5 months later...

This is one of the best ones I've read. I would love to hear an update. I hope one day to write a success story that is this inspirational.

Thank you.

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  • 1 month later...
i'm bumping this success story because it is the one that really got me through withdrawal - i read this story dozens of times and it kept me going :)
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Hi Freedom - Did you do anything special to speed up the recovery or to manage your symptoms during the recovery period?

 

I am 9 months off and looking forward to my complete healing - hopefully soon!!

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Absolutely wonderful.  So happy to read this success story again, as I’ve read it many times.  So glad SSR1975 bumped it.  There is hope and there is healing ❤️
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So many things in your story resonated with me, Freedom82.  Thanks to SSRI for bumping it up.  Very inspiring, and well written, too.

 

Thanks!  Flibberty

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  • 2 weeks later...

Congratulations!!! freedom 82! I'm in those waves right now and your story has been tremendous help. I honestly felt your true sincerity and willingness not just to post your story but to be a helping hand. so I thank you!

 

butterfly 

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