Getting harder to cope

I'm almost 10 months off and I've been in the worst phase of this "process" as I'm sleeping none at all without the help of mirtazipine and my depression surrounding sleep deprivation is getting out of control.  I cannot figure out if the mirtazipine, which currently gives me 2-5 hours sleep, is contributing to my mental pain or if its still just the same depression that I had when I started not sleeping again, 10 days ago.  I really have only slept about 24 hours in the last 10 days so I know that the sleep loss is also a huge part of my mental state.  Whatever is the driving force, I just want to know if anyone else has felt the level of despair and mental terror that I feel?  I am having crying fits every 10-20 minutes.  I sob at every thought or memory.  There is so much more to it.  It's just pure pain and misery in my head that will not leave me alone.  No pleasure or motivation, fear of my children's future if I don't survive this (yes, I feel like I might die), and just terror about this never ending.  Has anyone else gone through long periods of this kind of depression?  When does this end?  I can't tolerate ssri's.  I hope there are others who had this level of mental pain and willing to talk to me... Especially those who have/had sleep related depression.  Thank you.

If you can't get more sleep then you are headed for more problems.

I take 25mg of Trazodone to sleep 3 hrs, then another 25mg to

sleep another 2.5hrs. (each dose with 1mg melatonin)

You might try splitting the Mirt to get two short sleep cycles that

might total 5 hrs. (and try to get tired from activity to help sleep)

 

I was on benzos 20 years; no windows. Your other symptoms are

things I experience still at 30 months, and I'm getting worn out and

very fearful of my prospects.

My first 24 months was the brain injury, but now there must also be

secondary depression.  I'm trying to find a summary of what helps

and what does not, since there is so much information on this site.

Insomnia kills me. After akathisia it is definitely my worst symptom. It messes with my mind, body and soul.

I pray for death when I have bad insomnia...which is often. Then I sleep and I am fine.

 

How long have you been off the mirt?

 

If you are still on the mirtazipine (Im unsure from your text) then all of your emotional instability could be from that drug.

 

One thing I have learnt (after 20years of insomnia) is I am MUCH worse after taking drugs even if they give me a little more sleep.

 

I sleep much less off drugs but can handle it better.

 

I feel your pain. Could you please provide a little more information or shall I read your posts?

 

Digital X

 

Oh and by the way, the longer I am off sleep meds the worse my sleep is becoming. Sounds similar to you. I will try and read your posts and get back to you.

First of all, I didn't realize I posted this here... Thought I was on the post wd board.

 

But, thanks for the replys.  My status is that I was on mirtazipine up until 6 months off.  From 6-9 months I slept without drugs except for an occasional Benadryl which became more frequent into month 9 as progress went downhill again.  Starting about 11 days ago, I began having multiple nights of zero sleep so I began taking mirtazipine again.  It is so hard to say if the mirtazipine is causing this mood change.  I feel like it could be, but I also know that sleep deprivation and the fear of my worst symptom (Hypnic jerks) are the primary factors in this.  Perhaps the mirtazipine is driving the depression to the extreme.  I was given some advice today that I should start weaning off the mirtazipine again (not ct).  So that is what I'll do starting tonight.  I am deeply afraid of all of this and just want to get some natural sleep again!  This is nuts.  I can't believe this is my life, all because of a tiny little pill that nobody warned was toxic!

I've skimmed your posts Sleepless MT.

I'm too ill today to write a long response but I will say that I think your problems are being extended due to the use of other drugs. Sometimes even one pill can be catastrophic in withdrawal and delay healing.

IN some sense you are only off drugs for three months as you had been taking Mirtazipine.

Sleep deprivation is agony and you live a torturous existence (if you can even call it that) and doing so with children is painful on every single level imaginable.

The awful truth is that you will only begin healing when you stop all the drugs (you do not suit SSRI's so your body is telling you that drugs can be pretty detrimental). How we do this is anyones guess.

I would buy the book Howling Dogs and Klonopin Withdrawal. This gives me a lot of hope and strength. the author dint sleep a wink for six months!

 

I would say more as I am a fellow insomniac and mother but can't today. PM if you need support. I have a few ideas for you.

 

You're not taking fish or flax oil are you?

 

Digital X

Just read your last reply when I was posting mine.

I think you need to come off the Mirt. I think you may be in Mirt withdrawal on top of the benzos. It can take a while for wd to hit.

How long can wd from mirtazipine take to set in?  I was off for 3.5 months.  I didn't experience any added symptoms when I stopped.  Just a worsening of symptoms starting at 7 months off that has built up to this level of hell.

What is your dose of Mirtazepine? You may already know this, but at low doses 3-15mg it's very sedating, pretty much a a sleeping pill. As you go up to 45mg it becomes a psychoactive med.

good luck,

J-man

 

Thanks, and yes, I know about about its sedating quality at lower doses.  I've been taking 3.75.  I cut back on my dose last night and slept for less than 2 hours.  I'm getting even more frghtened... Is my brsin toast?!  I can't understand why my body is giving me such horrible jerks after 10 months off the crap!  My low dose mirt use didn't seem to cause issues the first time on... And I did ok after coming off for several weeks.  I really need some prayers.  I feel like I'm losing this battle.

Hi Sleeplessmt, I totally can relate to what you are saying. I had total insomnia for the first few months but now I am actually 5-6 hours per day which I know is really good to most people but I can identify with your problem. I have fallen into the worst mental state of my life and I wonder all the time what will happen. After a bad breakup after rehab things just seem to be getting harder and harder. I feel lonely and with so much anxiety and angst things are just bad.

 

I am sorry you are going through such a difficult time. If you cannot sleep you feel terrible every minute of everyday, My problem with other people is that I cannot connect with anyone anymore and it is just a lot of pain. I hope you do get some sleep and start to feel better. I know when I cannot sleep it is because my mind starts racing 1000mph and I just get worried about problems. I want both of us to recover well.

Davis,

 

You are on the road to better days at your rate of progress!  I would kill to have racing thoughts vs jerks as my issue causes pain and discomfort on top of no sleep.  It is misery.  Your depression will lift sooner or later as long as its not driven by insomnia!

MT,

 

Have you checked out survivingantidepressants.org?  Lots of tapering Mirt help on the site.

 

Sofa

I'm so sorry for you. I also can not take the SSRIs they mess up my seratonin levels and I get sick and jerk. Elavil is an older anti-depressant and it works great.  At two months out I went into crying fits and the doctor put me on them. They help me sleep and do control some pain at about 2 to 4 weeks into your dosage. I'm on 25mg of Elavil and 5mg of meletonin to sleep at night. The only problem with the stuff is weight gain. But my sleep is more important. I think the SSRI are pills from hell like the ativan and xanax.

Sofa,

 

No I have not been there.  I'm afraid it will scare me to read mirtazipine horror stories!  Is it a negative site?

 

Kathleen,

 

Is elavil like trazodone?  I've tried traz and it did nothing for my jerks.  I don't understand how the mirt works for me.  I hate meds- they got me in this hell and I can't stand looking at the bottles in my house!

Have you tried listening to a relaxation cd at low volume? That helps me, having something soothing to hear in the room.

I was reading about hypnic jerks, and one article said that one cause is the anticipation of a hypnic jerk.

I know, I sound like a jerk.

 

Sofa,

 

No I have not been there.  I'm afraid it will scare me to read mirtazipine horror stories!  Is it a negative site?

 

Kathleen,

 

Is elavil like trazodone?  I've tried traz and it did nothing for my jerks.  I don't understand how the mirt works for me.  I hate meds- they got me in this hell and I can't stand looking at the bottles in my house!

No Elavil is an older anti-depressant that works well for me as a sleep aid. Trazadone made me feel awful the next morning so much so I thought I would ball up and die. The elavil doesn't do that. I was up to 75mg but now I'm at 25mg. The doctors usually start at a small dose and work up every week or so. 300mg is for sever depression but the small amounts are used for sleep and I believe is helping me with my anxiety. I've had bad jerks before but now I only twitch once in a while but a couple of times my body jolted in the bed but thats not a consistent thing. I really wish I had my feet back to normal and my head would stop ringing. But one day at a time. Oh my drink water as much as you can. I broke down and I'm seeing a chiropractor and he told me that the xanax and other benzos get stored in our body fats, yes that you too you skinny people out their and he beleives my flares come about when the darn benzos get moving around and I'm not drinking the water I need to clean them out. He's right. I have not given up coffee. But now I'm  drinking about 3 16 oz bottles a day. But I know I need to be drinking at least 5. So my prescription is now 5 bottles of water, at least 10 to 15 minutes or more of sun each day and 15 minutes of treadmill.  The coffee needs to go but geesh erk. Well chatty Kathleen needs to try to get some sleep so I'll curl up with my dog and see what happens. God Bless you all.

Kathleen- sounds like you are on a good path for yourself.  It would be nice if mds prescribed water and sunshine before giving toxic poison.

 

Just a man-  oh my, I've tried everything including putting earbuds in with the sound of rsinfall.  Hypnosis, meditation, excercise... I'm at a loss.  Seems that time is the only thing for me- unless I'm permanently damaged.  I still have not found a person who had this problem like I have and is 100% over wd.