Paralyzed in a chair

Just keep getting worse and worse. Have been holding for a long time but with some set backs. I don't know what to post... Just wanted to say I feel horrible... ears are ringing like crazy! Heart is pounding off and on for about 4 days straight. Overall tiredness... no joy in life...hate life... Dizzy... I feel like stopping all meds but I know that is not possible. Not even possible to go down on diazepam right now... but I want to. I am tired of waiting. I'm getting worse. Maybe its the Moon. Stupid Moon is full but waning now... thank God. Full Moons always make me feel hot-wired, with electric shock sensations. . Good to remember that.  Horribly depressed!!! Just want to disappear.

 

Thanks for being here...

 

redwoods  :'(

I am so sorry you're feeling so bad. Someone once told me " no feeling is final" for some reason I really cling to that. Sending hugs and healing your way.

I know I have similar symptoms to you. It is so difficult day after day. Anything that I have to leave the house or talk to anybody I just freeze and panic. It is like my body gets hot all of a sudden and I'm like shaking, really wishing I was dead. Which BTW is another thought I get all the time. It sucks to be going through all that and wondering if we will ever feel any better. I know I'm probably making you feel worse. I hope you feel better soon.

I am so sorry you're feeling so bad. Someone once told me " no feeling is final" for some reason I really cling to that. Sending hugs and healing your way.

 

Thanks! I like that... I hope its true... no feeling is final... 

 

I know I have similar symptoms to you. It is so difficult day after day. Anything that I have to leave the house or talk to anybody I just freeze and panic. It is like my body gets hot all of a sudden and I'm like shaking, really wishing I was dead. Which BTW is another thought I get all the time. It sucks to be going through all that and wondering if we will ever feel any better. I know I'm probably making you feel worse. I hope you feel better soon.

 

Davis, you are not making me feel worse at all. If anything, its the other way around. At least I know I am not alone in this. And if I had my choice, I would have never been born.  I worry about the dying process and suffering. I suffer alive too. This never seems to stop. Thanks for relating to me. 

 

redwoods

I'm with you guys, and gals. Depression so bad every day. I worry about everything. Wonder why I don't feel connected to anyone. Disappointment with everybody and everything. Also wish I'd never been born. But I was. So what do I do now? At least, with you all, I know I'm not alone.

 

MirandaJane

Davis1, I really identify with what you say. I either want to be better right now or wish I was dead. The former is impossible and the latter, boy, do I get anxious about the latter!

I have been going through depressions several times and always thought I will not survive but did.

At the moment I start to get a depression again but I know that will pass as the other times it does.

So just do not kill yourselves, buddies. Try to relax and trust that inside you there is a power you don't know. I know that that sounds crazy, but I know that it will get better. And I was so depressed that I couldn't eat, drink or stand up from my bed for months..

 

Hugs..

 

Marigold

Marigold, when you talk about depression for months, how long are you talking about? I've been in benzo tolerance and withdrawal for 21 months and terribly depressed the entire time. I also have had depression since adolescence (I'm 67 now) and Prozac used to help, but then quit helping so I quit it. So I guess I'm wondering if I will ever be not depressed. I still have another year to taper.

 

Thanks,

MirandaJane

Marigold, when you talk about depression for months, how long are you talking about? I've been in benzo tolerance and withdrawal for 21 months and terribly depressed the entire time. I also have had depression since adolescence (I'm 67 now) and Prozac used to help, but then quit helping so I quit it. So I guess I'm wondering if I will ever be not depressed. I still have another year to taper.

 

Thanks,

MirandaJane

 

Hi Miranda,

I had a deep depression that nearly killed me, that one lasted for 3 years, several middle-"bad" ones were shorter, but also at least 4 weeks or more.

It all got better since I decided:

- to stop all medication and to go for that no matter what

- to live and do anything that I would be happy even if that means I would lose my family

- since I am off anything theres a growing forth inside me, I still have depressions due to WD but I have learned to cope with and the fact that I could do a tapering of several drugs for over 5 years - while I was in depressed times - shows me, that I can cope with very much

- to love myself.

 

Of course I learned a lot of strategies and changed the food - that also helped a lot..

Just google "steven acuff" and eat how he describes.. that was amazing helpful.

 

I also think that all the "medication" made me more depressed. I hope that will help you. Just believe and go on..

Marigold - thank you. I will follow your path. ABout the food, though. I have gastroparesis (slow stomach emptying) and can only eat a few things - milk, eggs, peanut butter, tomato soup, baked chicken, mashed potatoes, bread - a lot of things people say NOT to eat. But my stomach locks up when I try to eat anything that isn't practically mush. No veges or fruits, etc. Before I was diagnosed, went from 125 pounds to 100 in three months. I'm just glad I'm back up to 109 (after 21 months) and not, literally, starving to death. So fancy diets are out of the question for me. I would love to be able to eat salads, nuts, so many things I miss. But now I have to just stay alive. Maybe after withdrawal I my stomach will improve.

 

I do love myself, but am disappointed at other people who don't love me.

I do try to do what makes me happy, but find it's hard to get a job that way!

It's so hard to balance ideals with reality.

 

Wishing you the best,

MirandaJane

 

 

 

 

I do love myself, but am disappointed at other people who don't love me.

I do try to do what makes me happy, but find it's hard to get a job that way!

It's so hard to balance ideals with reality.

 

 

Hey Miranda,

 

first it was difficult for me to love myself , now its sometimes difficult for me to force myself to lean on people who love me!

 

Its a lifetime thing.. BUT I met so many wonderful people NO MATTER how I looked, how sick I was, how depressed, how not-normal.

Sometimes you need to go to places, to look on people, to try things,- you never would have done before.

 

The good thing on depression is. It can not become worse, so try something new. As Einstein said: Craziness is to try to solve problems every time on the same way.

 

I have a little helper in my mind, its a sentence that says:(sorry I hope you will understand my english):

"Add an and". "I am depressed. AND I go for a walk and perhaps enjoy the sun."

Perhaps it will help you getting rid of the idea that depression has to pass in order to get happy. Its paradoxical but happiness can start when you are depressed. I really believe in that. And I had a really  bad day today...

 

Best wishes,

Marigold

I have a friend that says she is so depressed. Then she said that she was excited to get new carpet. I thought to myself, "When you are really depressed, nothing excites you. You're not interested in anything. You care for nothing. It isn't that your thoughtless, insensitive, etc. In fact, quite the opposite is true. This is a depression that has a mind of its own. It decides what you will and will not do. But, I can say today, it is not so bad. I am glad I am not paralyzed in a chair today. Most days I am. I am so grateful to you all for being here.

 

Thank you Marigold and Miranda for an interesting discourse between you two. I do believe that diet can help. Marigold I googled that person you suggested. Thanks! Interesting you said "getting rid of the idea that depression has to pass in order to get happy". Hmmm 

 

Miranda, I am sorry that people have disappointed you. I know how that feels as I am in the thick of it with my family. Self acceptance is the only way for me to get around it. I need to do what is right for me... I am in a fragile state... we all are when we are depressed and we need people that will love us and accept us no matter how we are. I hate the phrase, "Stop feeling sorry for yourself". What a horrible thing to say to a depressed wounded person. That could be the very thing that could make one think, "Gee, I can't even be depressed the right way. I might as well kill myself".

 

I am so sorry you're feeling so bad. Someone once told me " no feeling is final" for some reason I really cling to that. Sending hugs and healing your way.

 

The fact that everything changes can at times be a good thing...

Marigold, thanks for your words of wisdom. I usually get upset when people try to cheer me up, but you are right, doing something, trying something new might be the only way to force myself out of depression. Unfortunately, with benzo withdrawal, I feel too sick physically and mentally to do much. But I must force myself.

 

Redwoods - you are right about people who don't understand real depression. Rest assured that you are among people here who DO understand depression. I truly hope you can find light in your day today and, if Marigold is right, that you can make some light even if you don't feel like it.

 

Love to all,

MirandaJane

Here I am on a very depressed day and I see that someone else is going through something similar.  Thanks for sharing.

 

I too, am very depressed.  I'm attractive, intelligent, motivated, but for a variety of reasons, life has never taken off for  me yet and I am very depressed.  A lot of dark thoughts today and "I just wanna go quick, I don't wanna suffer anymore." 

 

I dunno.

Spring - I know how you feel. I'm having bad, bad sx today. Exhausted, depressed beyond despair, anxiety near panic, pain all over my body, fear - you name it. And I still have a year to taper. I see you are off the meds - right? I wish I had some magic words. All I can offer is sympathy. And I hope so much that you can find comfort.

 

MirandaJane

MirandaJane:    Thanks. 

 

 

I just posted that it was either an antidepressant or dying in my chair. Doesn't look like anything has changed much for me (as far as depression is concerned). I finally gave into taking, trying this new antidepressant. I went as long as I could without taking it... but enough is enough. I am not endorsing antidepressants. I wish it didn't come to this... but it has    :'(

Red,

 

If an antidepressant works to get you to a point where you can stabilize and keep tapering than so be it. Don't let that get you down!

 

I had to resort to one for sleep so I could taper and it worked. I am off of it now so it didn't need to be long term. 

 

Keep faith and hope that you will make it and be able to live life again! 

 

Cat

Red,

 

If an antidepressant works to get you to a point where you can stabilize and keep tapering than so be it. Don't let that get you down!

 

I had to resort to one for sleep so I could taper and it worked. I am off of it now so it didn't need to be long term. 

 

Keep faith and hope that you will make it and be able to live life again! 

 

Cat

 

To live life again... That pretty much says it. I want to WANT to live life again. Thanks for your help, Cat

Wish I had an easy answer for You but can only say take it one hour or one day at a time its the only way. Try breathing meditation it may provide some periods of rest to varying degrees and IMO avoid any stimulants like caffeine or anything that contains it also high protein foods rev up the stimulatory neurochemicals so only eat complex carbs after 1pm . My thoughts are with You as You go through this battle but keep moving forward and do whatever You have to for relief.

Buddies,

 

When I realized what was wrong with me (benzo tolerance withdrawal) about 20 months ago, I filed a complaint with our State Board of Healing Arts, which oversees physicians. This was about 18 months ago. I submitted all the info I could find about benzos and a long letter explaining that the psychiatrist who prescribed the benzos did NOT warn me about possible consequences. My case was to be reviewed by a panel of three doctors (I already knew the odds were against me). I got their final decision today. They found nothing wrong with his behavior.  I knew this was coming, but I'm still upset.

 

He probably told them he did warn me (I had to sign a waiver each time I saw him, saying I was "fully informed") or that my dosage was not high enough to be considered out of bounds (I always told him I was very sensitive to medications - but he kept increasing my dosage when I had problems; I never got above 1.2 mg. clonazepam - Klonopin - that's when I started realizing that the increase wasn't helping.)

 

So my being one of those people who is damaged by benzos is apparently no big deal. I guess I'm just a freak, so it's MY fault!  So he will go along having a happy life and damaging other people.

 

Yes, I know that this anger will only hurt me, but please don't tell me that, because I have to let it out now. That man ruined my life and nobody cares, except Benzo Buddies. Even my relatives (except my husband) and former friends tend to think I 'have a drug problem'.

 

Yes, I know life isn't fair. And people suffer worse than this. But I'm still NOT happy with this outcome and I feel even more violated. And more scared of doctors because they can damage me in the future, treating me as if I am the "norm" when I react to things differently.

 

Thanks for letting me vent.

 

MirandaJane

MirandaJane,

 

Sorry about the outcome.  It is NOT fair.  The thing that brings ME peace, though, and a sense of "I won", is energy work.  I have found miracles in different types of energy healing, and I know this is better than THEIR stuff, so I win.   They are still enmeshed in this destructive medical system, and I know where REAL healing is at.      Have you done any type of energy work? 

Spring - thanks for your reply. I'm not sure what you mean by energy work, but if you mean work that requires physical energy, I'm so tired I can barely move sometimes. I try to walk and do arm stretches 30 minutes per day, but with bronchitis all summer, it's been rough. I have a heart problem that makes physical work diffcult. Is this what you mean?

 

MirandaJane

Sorry   I meant energy work like reiki, acupressure, etc.  I have found great healing in Emotion Code and Body Code.  Cleared my emotional baggage.  I still have a ways to go so that depression isn't an issue in my life, but I feel 1000x better.    I used to have a lot of anxiety, and Emotion Code cleared it.  I used to just feel "bad" and heavy, and I don't feel that way anymore.  Rebuilding my life is why things get me down, (because it's hard, and a long journey) , but I'm a different person. 

 

I hope you try it. If I recall, you've been depressed most of your life, right?  This will help.