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Had colonoscopy on Monday & Versed (benzo) was used... strange experience


[La...]

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Hi everyone,

 

This is my last day on benzos....yipee.  I had a colonoscopy on Monday and was a little concerned about the Versed (short acting benzo) being used to knock me out.  Here's what happened:

 

First some backround about my 14 month taper.  It's been long and hard with many w/d symptoms.  Some windows a day here and there during it all.  For the past 3 weeks I've felt totally normal, a BIG window or complete healing...I don't know yet but it sure is sweet. 

 

Please note that I had a colonoscopy about 3 1/2 years ago while I still taking Xanax (3 md/day).  They put the Versed in my IV and I pretty much went out.  Woke for a few seconds during procedure and went back out cold again...no big deal.  The day before is lousy, i.e. no food and have to drink 2 liters of some aweful stuff to flush the colon.  Being in the fine long window, I handled it very well and just watched the Food Channel almost all afternoon, planning my next meal.  I had fun with it.  I couldn't have done that even a month ago. I arrived at the hospital at 7AM this past Monday, feeling very calm.  Even laughed and joked with the nurses and my husband. Again, I could have NEVER done this a month or so ago.  I could barely go to the grocery store let alone to a hospital for a procedure so this is a BIG improvement.  The doctor stuck the syringe full of Versed in my IV and I waited to go "out" but I didn't.  I was completely alert (no panic though) during the procedure which was not fun.  I remember saying "ouch" in a loud voice several times.  I complained to the doc that I was still awake and he said "That's probably because you take Xanax". (listed on my chart from 3 yrs. ago).  I really didn't feel like getting into it with him about me tapering and being almost benzo free while having my butt reamed.  I was aggravated that I was awake for this deal and felt like punching the Dr. because he just didn't give a crap that I was awake and uncomfortable.  After we left the hospital, we went and got something to eat and I didn't feel "out of it" at all.  Came home, layed down on my sofa with the TV on, closed my eyes and slept solid for a good 3 hours.

 

After feeling so good for 3 weeks, it was a good gage as to how this Versed would effect me.  On Wednesday evening, I was cooking dinner, got real hot and pure rage rushed over me. I was real hot all evening (feet on fire) and I'm usually always freezing. I woke really early Wed morning due to vivid dreams and my heart racing.  The heart racing and vivid/disturbing dreams woke me again on Thurs am and this am=Fri.  This is a w/d symptom that had been with me for a long time but has been gone for about 4 months.  I was able to just "observe" it as a benzo symptom and not get attached to it or panic-stricken.  After getting out of bed after these 3 episodes I felt totally normal and happy to be in my "window" again. 

 

My point? heck I don't know.  I guess I'm just puzzled that I went out cold 3 years ago (I believe I was in tolerance w/d) and then being almost benzo free the second time and the stuff didn't knock me out at all except for later on the sofa.  Just goes to show you, that benzo monster is unpredicable.

 

Lyd

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Hi Lyd,

 

It feels kind of strange to put your celebration thread link here when you're talking about butt reaming, but what the heck!!  http://www.benzobuddies.org/forum/index.php?topic=15468.0  Congratulations on being benzo free and for getting a colonoscopy, while awake!  That is so strange you were awake, that's not what I would have expected either.  But, it sounds like you handled it and the aftermath with your usual style and grace!

 

Pam :smitten:

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I had the exact same thing happen to me, only this was when I was on the Kolonopin and actually was the reason why I decided to stop taking the drug. I had to have a colonoscopy and endoscopy (they call this a "double dipper")  I was given the IV and wouldn't go under I was awake through the entire procedure I remember saying "that hurts" at times and the Dr saying to give me more of the benedryl. I was calm though.

 

After the procedure the Dr told me that he gave me enough benedrly that would knock out a 200 pound man cold but I still just continued to talk away (with the exception of when they had the camera down my throat) and he was 100% positive it was because I take the kolonpin. I also felt completely alert after.

 

I also had had a previous scan done and went out (though I remember everything that was said as well as the pain of it)

 

It is absolutely insane what happens with these drugs there is just no rhyme or reason to anything.  :-\

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Hi Lyd:

 

Thanks for posting this.  People are always asking what will happen if they have a medical procedure requiring benzos and now I have a first hand account to quote.  Doesn't sound like fun though.

 

ntw

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Hi Lyd,

 

I'm so HAPPY to hear you are BENZO FREE!!!  I saw the announcement the other day and just felt so glad for you.  And that you're having such great windows and feeling even normal, wow, that's huge.  :yippee: :yippee: :yippee:  I hope to be there one day soon.  I'm gettin there.....slowly but surely. 

 

Butt reaming?  You guys crack me up!  And double-dipping?  I had that too...thanks for the lingo Jenn.  So last fall I got double-dipped and reamed...no wonder my body feels thrashed!  :laugh:  I hear a lot of people actually elect to have no drugs at all during a colonoscopy.  I wonder if they are "normal"...sheez.  I had two at two different hospitals...the first one was a complete disaster (they left the tourniquet on my arm and the drugs didnt' get through...arrrgh). 

 

adelia

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Hi everyone!  The next time I need a procedure that I don't want to be around for I'm going to get Propofol.  It has to be administered by an anesthesiologist.  I'm not going to take a chance with that Versed again.

 

Peace,

Lyd

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Congratulations on making it to the finish line.  May your window always be open now.

 

As for the colonoscopy, that's disturbing.  My doc has been pressuring me to get one but I just don't want to be subjected to anything like that right now (and maybe never).  She said last time "hey, they give you drugs, you won't be aware."  I thought, yea I bet since I knew they didn't actually put you out.  The stories settle it for me; either they put me out (e.g. the propofol) or no go.

 

Those damn benzos keep finding ways to leave folks in the lurch.

 

John

 

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The drugs are supposed to put you out during the colonoscopy, John.  It's a cocktail, of usually benzos (versed, valium), and opioids like fentanyl.  The versed also has an "amnesia" quality too it, so that we supposedly forget what happened.  Unless we don't happen to be asleep! 

 

Isn't it strange how much medicine relies on benzos for just about every procedure? 

 

adelia

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Hi John,

 

Please don't let my experience keep you from getting a colonoscopy.  They removed a few pre-cancerous polyps 3 years ago and this time I had 3 polyps, one being pre-cancerous.  I would repeat the procedure in a heartbeat (being awake and all) if that was the only way to get rid of the pre-cancerous stuff because the alternative is colon cancer.  They did give me the Versed and Fentanyl like Adelia mentioned.  There are options like getting an anesthesiologist to administer Propofol, then you will go "out" for sure.  Most people do go "out" with the cocktail I had so I may be an acception?  Anyway, I hope my experience doesn't discourage anyone from getting a colonoscopy.  It's really not THAT bad and the procedure doesn't take that long.  It's so worth it!  To me it was more of an annoyance whereas colon cancer would be total devastation.

 

Lyd

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My doc told me and I also read somewhere that after benzo w/d, tolerance is very high and it takes an extraordinary amount to achieve the same effect. The amount is so high most insurance won't pay for it and there's no gauge to determine just how much would be needed, so doctors are can't increase the dose. 

 

My doctor told me "you can no longer have conscious sedation." Hopefully he'll put that in writing for future reference!

 

I will fight tooth and nail before I'm ever forced to take any for a procedure. I will not risk making my tinnitus worse, which I developed after 4 mgs of Ativan I took for some procedures, 45 days after my K taper ended.

 

The idea of having a colonoscopy w/out drugs makes me shudder (I've had 2); but an endoscopy without one (I've had 1)?! I don't think so!! I gag when I brush my teeth!

 

These damn drugs are the gift that just keeps giving, aren't they?!

 

g

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Hi everyone!  As I mentioned, I was having a 3 week window of feeling really normal prior to my taper end on 10/17/09.  I had the colonoscopy on 10/12 Recently, I've some w/d symptoms pop up here and there. The crappy, mental-hell symptoms that I hate so much.  They really make me feel like I'm crazy. I really thought I was finished with that. I understand that I'm not out of the woods yet so soon after a taper.  I'm wondering if that Versed could have had a delayed reaction....2 weeks later?  I guess anything is possible.

 

Lyd

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Hi Lyd:

 

Interesting possibility.  Sorry to hear your feeling badly.  I have not had this particular experience so I am only speculating from the outside here....Do you think it could have been the stress?  Having to go through the thing awake must have been stressful.

 

ntw

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Hi NTW,

 

I guess it could have been the stress but what puzzles me is that it's 2 weeks after the colon blow event...delayed stress reaction is possible.  I have some stuff going on right now, like we just decided to move back to CA in March.  Currently living in NJ.  Moving is supposed to be one of those big life stressors and the move with all of it's logistics have been playing in the back of my mind even though I don't like living on the east coast.  I'm thinking maybe I'm just more sensitive to stress after this whole benzo ordeal.  I wasn't that good with dealing with stress prior to benzos and now it's more difficult.  It's never to late to learn so I remain hopeful.  I look forward to the day when my GABA receptors are totally healed.  From everything I've read, it's does take time.  I'm still so relieved to be off the poison.  I never thought I would make it this far but I did!

 

Lyd

 

 

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Hi Layla,

 

Sounds like you're doing quite well actually.  With a big 3-week window and all.  And then, your colonoscopy stress has now been replaced by more stresses!  Moving to CA eh?  Hey, we'll be neighbors!  I'm near Sacramento. 

 

I'm definitely more sensitive to stress after being on, and off, benzos.  Just like you said.  I mean, REALLY sensitive.  To the point that I wonder if I was really that sensitive before?  And I just didn't know it?  And somehow the w/d experience stripped away all pretense and hope of pretense.  I don't know anymore.  Even thoughts can get me stressed out before, and I didn't notice that so much before. 

 

So I'm curious....what does it feel like to have the "crappy mental-hell symptoms"? 

 

adelia

 

 

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Hi Adelia,

 

Ok, here it goes with the "crappy mental hell symptoms": 

 

Depression

Anxiety

Repetitive negative thoughts

Suicide Ideation

 

Feeling like something is very wrong with me mentally and that I'm never going to be ok.  Feeling like if I got diagnosed with a life threatening disease and was told I had six months to live I would be relieved.  Reliving all the mistakes of my past with such clarity it feels like it happened yesterday.  Thinking about worst case scenarios of the future and getting really, really scared.  Thinking that God won't forgive me because I'm a hopeless case who keeps screwing up. Feeling like my husband (the sweetest guy) made a big mistake when he married me because I'm damaged goods and he would have been better off without me in his life.  The list goes on and on.....

 

A big problem for me is that I'm home alone almost every week day. I've been on long term disability since 2006. I got so sick that I just couldn't work anymore.  I believe the main cause of this was benzo tolerance w/d but didn't realize this until June 2008 at which time I began my taper.  I've never been the stay-at-home type of person so this is really hard for me.  I've worked full time for about 30 years and am used to having a place to report to every day. I spend way too much "in my head" as a result of having too much time on my hands.  I still don't feel well enough to work and really doubt if I could ever handle normal job stress again.  Especially starting a new job, having to learn new information and having to prove myself. Just the thought of driving somewhere besides locally sends me into a panic. Going to the grocery store and getting simple errands done is about all I can handle.  This is a big improvement because I couldn't even do that a while ago.  All of this makes me extremely sad.....really depressed. 

 

I did enjoy about a 3 week window and was feeling so hopeful.  The window is shutting again and I'm back to all of the above.  I woke up this morning and began to cry because another endless day is here... a day with all of these terrible thoughts.  It's strange, when I have an open window I can barely remember what it feels like to feel this bad and when the window closes again and I'm in this mental hell, I can barely remember what it feels like to feel positive and hopeful.  I'm really praying that this is all benzo related crap and that eventually I'll be ok again.  Sometimes, I'm not so sure.

 

Lyd

 

 

 

 

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Hi Layla,

 

I really believe that you will heal! You were on these meds for a long time and it will take time for your body and mind to heal. You are so soon off these meds, please give it time. If you felt good for 3 weeks, this will happen again. Benzo healing is like riding a roller coaster so just hold on, you will be better in time. I also spend too much of my time "thinking" as I have not worked for a couple years. I always dread the thought of having to run an errand but I really feel better once I'm out and about among others. You might want to find a hobby that you enjoy to keep your mind busy!  :thumbsup:

 

 

T2 :smitten:

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Hi Adelia,

 

Ok, here it goes with the "crappy mental hell symptoms": 

 

Depression

Anxiety

Repetitive negative thoughts

Suicide Ideation

 

Feeling like something is very wrong with me mentally and that I'm never going to be ok.  Feeling like if I got diagnosed with a life threatening disease and was told I had six months to live I would be relieved.  Reliving all the mistakes of my past with such clarity it feels like it happened yesterday.  Thinking about worst case scenarios of the future and getting really, really scared.  Thinking that God won't forgive me because I'm a hopeless case who keeps screwing up. Feeling like my husband (the sweetest guy) made a big mistake when he married me because I'm damaged goods and he would have been better off without me in his life.  The list goes on and on.....

 

A big problem for me is that I'm home alone almost every week day. I've been on long term disability since 2006. I got so sick that I just couldn't work anymore.  I believe the main cause of this was benzo tolerance w/d but didn't realize this until June 2008 at which time I began my taper.  I've never been the stay-at-home type of person so this is really hard for me.  I've worked full time for about 30 years and am used to having a place to report to every day. I spend way too much "in my head" as a result of having too much time on my hands.  I still don't feel well enough to work and really doubt if I could ever handle normal job stress again.  Especially starting a new job, having to learn new information and having to prove myself. Just the thought of driving somewhere besides locally sends me into a panic. Going to the grocery store and getting simple errands done is about all I can handle.  This is a big improvement because I couldn't even do that a while ago.  All of this makes me extremely sad.....really depressed. 

 

I did enjoy about a 3 week window and was feeling so hopeful.  The window is shutting again and I'm back to all of the above.  I woke up this morning and began to cry because another endless day is here... a day with all of these terrible thoughts.  It's strange, when I have an open window I can barely remember what it feels like to feel this bad and when the window closes again and I'm in this mental hell, I can barely remember what it feels like to feel positive and hopeful.  I'm really praying that this is all benzo related crap and that eventually I'll be ok again.  Sometimes, I'm not so sure.

 

Lyd

 

 

 

 

 

Wow, Layla, this sounds a lot like how I felt when first off Klon.  Without the suicidal thoughts though, because I was SO PISSED OFF at being so sick from that stupid drug, that I was determined to beat it!  And a little anger sometimes comes in handy (or a lot), I think. 

 

But I definitely had the thoughts of.....if I could only have something that I could die from, I might be grateful.  Unfortunaatly, I knew that I was going to have to survive this horrible situation, with such sickness and mental misery.  I know you will too. 

 

And we're so similar too!  I also was working as a consultant and had always worked.  Have been on disability for five years now.  When the Klon hit was the hardest, because it so limits things we COULD do to enjoy or help ourselves, right?  Well, here's what I've done that has really helped me a lot in this situation (ie.., being a "homemaker" which I am not well suited to at all.  And a slightly unhealthy homemaker at that..). 

 

I put myself on a schedule.  Every day.  Morning tea/meditation, breakfast, dishes, make the bed, shower, whatever had to be done to keep the home environment pleasant.  Then errands....chiropractor, grocery store, etc.  Like you, it's usually not too much.  Then there's lunch, watch the noon news if not feeling well, lay down and rest, nap, other things on different days.  Then evening routines.   The days go by much faster on a schedule, I've noticed.  And there's never that...OMG what will I ever do to make the day pass today...feeling. 

 

Also, I've started making up things to do on different days.  Like Tuesday is laundry and Wednesdays is vacuuming, etc.  Otherwise, the days seemed too endlessly variable.  Know what I mean?  All through the summer, my biggest "to do" was be out at the vegetable garden by 9 am, or 9:30 latest.  That was my self-proclaimed "job"...to grow vegetables.  And I did.  Lots of 'em.  While getting some sunshine and exercise.   

 

This may sound silly, but the scheduling has helped me greatly.  Because if I start going "down", I think....okay, it's 10 am, I need to.....(whatever is on the schedule), then get up and get going.  Also, being on a schedule, especially an eating schedule is a part of "Ayervedic medicine"  -- a 5,000 year old system of health and healing that really works.  Google it if you're interested.  Scheduling yourself as much as possible is very calming to the emotions and healing to the adrenals (less stress).  Funny how this works. 

 

Now, I'm starting to add back in some of my interests, as much as I can.  To further rehabilitate myself.   :laugh:  My new "job" is to go sing with the university chorus Tues and Thurs afternoons 4-6 pm.  So now I really have something to do!!! yahoo.  And get to rearrange my previous schedule into a new one, to fit this activity -- which is a big one, but it's helping me get a feeling back of who I am.  I know you know what I mean.  One step at a time, one activity at a time...I'm getting my life back. 

 

Last main thing....I take tyrosine (the amino acid) when my brain/emotions get too down.  500 mg cap first thing in the morning, empty stomach.  And up to three times a day on empty stom, with 50 mg B6.  It helps jazz up the brain and emotions a bit, also boosts the thyroid.  These effects are suble.  But I can bring myself out of a crying jag in less than 15 minutes, without even knowing it.  Suddenly I'm doing something else. 

 

Well, hope this is helpful.  Just know that many of us are going through, and have gone through the same thing.   We're in this together.  Thank you for sharing what you're going through Layla.  It really helps me to read it, too..

:smitten:

adelia

 

 

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Hi Lyd:

 

I felt like absolute crap for months after I got off Klon.  In fact my first blog entry at 8 months out registered the fact that I could finally feel love again toward my husband who had been the absolute center of my life until I got into chemical Hell. So I don't find it surprising that you are having some very dark times.

 

I am not sure if this would make sense for you or not but here goes:  I found that after I had been off Klon for a year, I had what I think of as my "normal" depression back.  So I tried ADs again.  I had tried them during w/d and found that they revved up sx.  Now, however, they are just the ticket.  As I said, I don't know where you are with this but it is something you might think about.

 

ntw

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Hey Lid,

 

Sorry to hear you've hit a bad patch. Don't worry, you're very early into your recovery and good days will come again. I didn't really get slammed with symptoms for 4 weeks after my last dose. I'm happy to say that I'm feeling better today than I ever have.

 

I know exactly what you're feeling, that mental hell. It's like a "dark night of the soul" that lasts 24/7. The endless loops of horrible memories long since buried, now resurrected; the intrusive thoughts making me question (and regret) every decision I've ever made; those terrible dark moments that engulf me...  I no longer worry all the time that I'll "always be like this" but I have my moments. I'm SIGNIFICANTLY better than I was, so there's no reason to think I won't continue to heal. I am worried that I won't be "back to normal" tomorrow, but all I can do is to accommodate my limitations and work on my coping skills. When I'm in "accepting mode" my symptoms are considerably less.

 

I'm virtually alone as well. I've worked 25 days in 12 months and my husband travels a lot. I don't even have a pet anymore.  I understand about needing to get out of your head! That is just the worst thing, isn't it?  It's wonderful that you can get out and do errands, though. There are so many people that can't do that!  Don't think about what you "used to" do; those days will come again. I spent so many months frustrated and sad and mad at myself because all I could do was look out the window and wish I was OK enough to get outside. But then things started to turn around.

 

Is there a bookstore or library you can stop in while you're on your way to the grocery store, if only for a few minutes? Sunshine and fresh air are essential, too; they're the best thing to combat those dark moments, trust me.  Do you have leaves to rake? Windows that need cleaning? Is there a shelter nearby that could use a volunteer "cat cuddler"? T'ai chi and chi gong help me immensely. Maybe they'd help you too.

 

Studies have shown that those in benzo w/d are particularly sensitive to stress and are more susceptible to it for at least 6 months. Because benzos took over our brain's ability to cope, it's just one more thing the brain needs to relearn. I get anxiety over nothing anymore. If I find myself in a situation that was once minimally stressful - traffic, or getting stuck in the "wrong" line in the grocery store - my muscles start tensing and trembling and I get shooting pains across my shoulder blades. And the situation is really nothing! I find myself "talking my brain down from the ledge" all the time now. I saw part of a scary movie once (like 5 minutes, I was channel surfing) and I started hyperventilating, my throat constricted, I started trembling - and it wasn't even that scary (and I'm pretty hardcore)! I remained like that for the longest time.  It was just totally irrational.

 

It's just ridiculous how this crap messes us up in all facets of our lives!

 

I don't know what to tell you, Lyd, except that you're not alone and you will feel better. I don't know when but I do know FOR SURE that you WILL come out of this. So just hang in there, OK? Stay connected here - I think that's the best advice I can give you - and we'll help you through this.

 

If you ever want to talk, you can PM me, too.

 

Hang in there girl.

 

ginger

 

 

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Dear NTW, Ginger, Adelia and T2,

 

Thank you...thank you...thank you from the bottom of my heart for all of your encouraging words.  Knowing that you all have gone through the "dark place" and are doing better really gives me hope and the courage to forge ahead.  I've re-read your messages several time already.  They are like medicine for my soul.

 

I will try my best to nip the dark thoughts in the bud before they get out of hand and overpower me completely.  Once that happens, it's hard to dig my way out.

 

Love,

Lyd

 

P.S.  How do you "PM" someone? 

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Dear NTW, Ginger, Adelia and T2,

 

Thank you...thank you...thank you from the bottom of my heart for all of your encouraging words.  Knowing that you all have gone through the "dark place" and are doing better really gives me hope and the courage to forge ahead.  I've re-read your messages several time already.  They are like medicine for my soul.

 

I will try my best to nip the dark thoughts in the bud before they get out of hand and overpower me completely.  Once that happens, it's hard to dig my way out.

 

Love,

Lyd

 

P.S.  How do you "PM" someone? 

 

Hi Lyd,  I haven't been stopping by this thread because I thought is was colon related.  I didn't know you were having such a rough time.  I agree with everything everyone has has told you, because I lived through it all too.  Please don't lose hope, this does really end even though it doesn't feel like it ever will. 

 

To PM, look at the green bar below the shout box.  It has Home / Help and lots of other tabs.  Select My Messages and click on compose.  You can find the member you want to write by typing in the first few letters, it will come up with possible options.  Or you can use the member search at the right of the To box and find the person that way.  I'll send you a practice one okay?  You'll see a 1 next to My Messages meaning you have a PM. 

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Hi Lyd:

 

I sent you a PM about how to PM and I see Pam has posted details here so now you will have two messages.  Won't you feel popular.

 

I remember a few months after I finished Klon, my favorite financial blogger died of breast cancer.  I thought how screwed up the universe was that such a brilliant, valuable woman should die and I should live on as such a total waste of space.  It seemed obvious that a major mistake had been made. 

 

Since then I have spent many happy days biking and walking with my husband.  I have awakened in the night and cuddled up close to the person I love.  I have sampled some new perfumes that I love.  I have met Yaz Chink the cat.  I have moved to a new apartment which is much nicer than my old one.  There is still a good ways to go, but I can see that I have found a lot of things to enjoy especially in the last six months.

 

Every day that goes by is healing you now.

 

ntw

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hey Pam, I never knew I could PM someone that way.  Sheesh, learning something new everyday!  I just click on the person's name, go to the bottom and click on "PM this person".  (BTW, did you think we'd really be having such an interesting conversation on a colonoscopy thread?  :laugh:

 

I'm with you NTW.  Even six months ago, joy and comfort and relaxation seemed like such strange concepts to me.  Now like you I'm finding more and more things every week that goes by, to confirm how glad I am to have gotten through the brunt of this benzo recovery process. 

 

YAHOO  :yippee: :yippee: :yippee:

adelia

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I'm with you NTW.  Even six months ago, joy and comfort and relaxation seemed like such strange concepts to me.  Now like you I'm finding more and more things every week that goes by, to confirm how glad I am to have gotten through the brunt of this benzo recovery process. 

 

YAHOO   :yippee: :yippee: :yippee:

adelia

 

 

ditto!  :thumbsup:

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