Author Topic: The Long Hold Support Group  (Read 934884 times)

[Buddie]

Re: The Long Hold Support Group
« Reply #10 on: March 19, 2016, 12:07:39 am »
Well I can tell you, the hardest thing about my taper [...] having the patience to hold so long between cuts!  The w/d sxs dramatically lowered once I caught on to "the long hold movement"!
 ;)
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[Buddie]

Re: The Long Hold Support Group
« Reply #11 on: March 19, 2016, 03:17:02 pm »

It seems that there [...] some indecisiveness as to where we should be sharing about long holds and our experiences and views on the subject, the thread on the withdrawal board [...] great but my own personal[...] [...] that eventually that thread will [...] lost and it makes sense to have our very own support group here but not everyone [...] going to feel the same way and that [...] [...], yet I will post here, I did not make this group for the fun of it but rather to leave the withdrawal boards for those struggling, I'm not going to [...] into a debate over it, everyone [...] entitled to post where they wish and I never implied any differently, I just thought a support group would bring us all together in a nice neat group that's all.

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[Buddie]

Re: The Long Hold Support Group
« Reply #12 on: March 19, 2016, 04:24:26 pm »
  I'm glad you formed this group.  Most others are going too fast for us anyway and thats good if its working for them but obviously it isn't for us.  I still am not stabilized after 3 weeks so I am holding some more.  Thanks for starting this it was needed and much appreciated. 
Suggestions, opinions and/or advice provided by the author of this post should not be regarded as medical advice; nor should it substitute for professional medical care. Consult your doctor before making any changes to your medication. Please read our Community Policy Documents board for further information.

[Buddie]

Re: The Long Hold Support Group
« Reply #13 on: March 19, 2016, 04:37:45 pm »
[...], this [...] why I am convinced long holds work...

When I started doing my daily "microtaper", I was told by a mentor that it was as fast as Ashton and yet gentler, my mentor said it took her 8 months to microtaper to zero and she was healed when she stepped off.

I have never seen anyone taper that fast and heal since.

There may be some on this site who went the Ashton route and got free yet most post a year later with an update to say they are still [...] to some degree, I think for any of us who [...] up here, being healed at zero simply doesn't happen unless we arrive at that zero in a very slow and gentle way allowing ourselves to heal in the process.

Getting back to my daily "microtaper"... my mentor did not believe in holds at all, if I was to start to feel symptomatic, I merely adjusted my cut amount and would keep going forward... this worked, until it didn't.

Firstly; I was clearly tapering too fast from the [...]-[...], I tried larger daily cuts and had panic and so I found a "reasonable" cut amount and started with that, it wasn't slow or gentle enough for me, I suffered for months on that taper but thought that my symptoms were normal. I had the following;

Sensitivity to light
Sensitivity to sound
Chronic fatigue (bedridden by month 5)
Profuse sweating
Eye sty's
Nightmares
Paranoia
Derealization
Depersonalization
Stabbing pains in ears
Tinnitus
Nausea
Bloat
Urgent bladder
[...] dry eyes
Dry mouth
Bad stomach

This list goes on... I progressively got worse and worse and yet oddly enough, reading back on my posts from the start, one would not know it but I literally got lost in a fog of withdrawal from about a month from the start of my taper and it intensified and I ended up so far gone that I could not even grasp how sick I was, I thought how I felt was completely normal, I could not even look in the mirror, when I did so, I saw myself in the reflection and yet it did not feel like me, in many ways it was like looking at someone else, I had a bright [...] face and globules of sweat would sit in my eyebrows, my bed was often drenched in sweat, I had the worst fatigue ever, it was crushing and at my worst, I could barely manage a bath or dress myself without[...] completely exhausted.

Obviously, as time wore on, I became aware that I was sicker than many, I was unable to bath without panic, the water was just too stimulating, I could only watch children's TV shows on low volume and I felt like I was in some strange and surreal alternate existence at times, I had no concept of time or what day it was and time seemed to [...] so very slow on my worst days,

My derealization became severe at about month 6 and I felt like I was looking at life through a space helmet visor, a very think impenetrable wall between me and the outside world, I could see and hear and yet I felt completely disconnected emotionally, people describe it like looking at life on a TV screen, it was much like that and although one of my (then) worst symptoms, I knew I had to roll with it or I would lose the plot and freak out, so I isolated and fortunately that lifted yet I was very, very messed up by the withdrawals at this point and yet I had never held my dose for even a single day because I was advised to keep going and by this point I was so far gone I had no grasp on how bad I was or what to do, I was too scared to hold and figured I had to keep going to feel better as I did not want to stay in that horrific detached state.

When I reached 7.5 months I had a true window, a real, true window and it was incredible, that lasted a few hours and then gradually wore off, in that window, I had not a single symptom and I felt like how I felt when I was pre-benzo, it was amazing and life felt so peaceful and incredible and yet it saddened me to think that benzo had dulled my life that much but it was a glimpse of what a benzo free life could be like, then the window closed and that was when I started to [...] feel terrible.

As always, when I felt bad, I would make my cut even smaller and forge on ahead, this worked on several occasions and I was able to maintain momentum despite being so very ill, yet my cuts had become as small as I could make them and I was starting to despair because it no longer seemed to help, I started to feel bad anxiety, I knew something was wrong and yet I pushed on down, making the tiniest cuts possible and that was when things went from bad to very, very bad.

I have not even documented what happened in the following week in my posts but it was extreme, the anxiety that I had just reached ridiculous levels and I ended up holding but had a week long bout of terror that started with a day of[...] like I was almost floating with fear, it was like being underwater, totally submerged in derealization and fear, this culminated in a huge panic attack whereby I craved my pills and was so intensely messed up, so much so that I could not even see that what I was experiencing was a panic attack, I had suffered a few panic attacks in the past and know how horrible they are but this was the mother of all panic and I was convinced I was losing my grip on reality totally, whilst in it, I felt like a spider trying to crawl out of a bath tub yet to keep slipping back down again and again, that was how helpless I felt and it was utterly terrifying.

Needless to say, the panic passed but for the following days, I would wake up to the[...] of electricity surging throughout my entire body, as soon as I opened my eyes, it felt like the end of the world was imminent, the impending doom[...] was just awful, in the following days, I kept going into states of shock at how bad I felt and at night time, I absolutely dreaded going to bed as I knew I would wake to the surges and impending doom again... the sight of my bed at night terrified me, it was the worst week of my entire life, I was literally consumed with fear and dread all that week.

I updosed a little and a week later I was crying because I felt sane again... it wasn't me, it was the drug and I was so relieved to feel I had my mind back...

The following month the weight on me just fell off, I literally shit bile for a month straight, my stomach ceased to work properly, the lymph nodes on my neck swelled up and then went down again, I probably should have been in hospital during this time.

It was at this point I knew that I could no longer push forward to [...] off this drug and that holds were very much needed in order for me to carry on, there was no way on Gods earth was I able to continue in the state I was in, I would have wound up in a psych ward somewhere without a doubt as at one point I was literally going out of my mind with fear constantly, I look back and see that as acute withdrawal now and yet as bad as I was, I am pretty sure it can be worse.

Since February 2012 when I crashed, I knew damn well that I was going to have to [...] very, very slowly to [...] down in dose further and so for the following 2 years, I made very small cuts just for 4 days and then held and got hit every time with extreme anxiety, organic fear and monophobia. often it would take me weeks to [...] vaguely stable and I would do this over and over and over again but then I eventually reached the equivalent of 2.8 mg [...] and I just ran out of steam completely, I was spent, exhausted and could not [...] any lower.

It was after four repeated attempts to [...] below 2.8 mg that I gave up, I knew I could not cut smaller and so I decided I needed a very long hold, I read of Builder on here who could not [...] below 9 mg [...] despite repeated attempts and he was almost resigned to staying on [...] for life and yet after a 2 YEAR hold, he was able to use a daily microtaper to taper to 0.5 without many issues and even jump at that dose with no acute withdrawals, this said a lot to me, there was a guy, who tried so many times to [...] lower in dose and yet couldn't and yet a long hold fixed this, obviously his brain and body needed time to settle so he could complete the taper to zero, I am pretty certain the daily taper was key but I do believe that at that moment in time, no method would have allowed him to [...] past that wall at that time, yet a 2 year hold allowed things to settle enough to resume a slow and gentle taper to freedom.

I know now, looking back, how I tapered too fast for my own [...] rate, it was simply too fast and I highly sensitized my nervous system in the process, I pushed it to the limit and almost lost the plot whilst doing so, had I been any worse, I have no doubt I would have found myself in hospital.

I hated having to hold and yet I was always guessing at what stable was and I never quite got there, my repeated attempts to [...] lower than 2.8 mg just failed every time and so I employed this long hold in order to try and heal enough and rest enough to carry on down.

At the start of 2015 I was fragile, unable to walk very far, maybe 15 minutes, I was exhausted and spent and depressed, I only [...] my house on the rare occasion to take a walk to the mail box and back and the occasional walk down the street with company, I would not cross a road on my own and I had to walk very slowly, I remember[...] once again like I was an old man and that I would never recover from this, I was so, so low and yet when I started to hold and forget about my taper, gradually I started to feel better and by 3 months my energy levels started to come back and by month 4-5 I was able to start pursuing my hobby as a photographer and for the remainder of 2015, I was a changed person, I was able to study, bath, shower, walk and live a relatively normal life, I would say that I was mostly at 80% wellness by 6 months of holding and sometimes 85%, my only symptoms being some slight [...] vibrations in my legs on and off (disappeared for months eventually), tinnitus (tolerable and sometimes very quiet) and fatigue, yet my fatigue was tolerable, I just did not have unlimited energy and house chores were still an effort but I was fully functional and then by December, I was able to [...] to the UK on my own, yet with a relative meeting me at the other end, I was fine on the flights there and back and navigated the airports well, I even walked fast to the boarding gate and even overtook many people, I felt almost normal and yet with some slight fog which was my only noticeable remaining symptom along with some fatigue but yet a year previous, I could not have navigated the airport and would have not been able to walk the long distances within the airports from check in to security and then to the boarding gate from the airport lounge, a year ago that would have been way, way too much for me and I would have needed wheelchair assistance, I kid you not.

So, it just goes to show that I went from barely able to walk for more than 15 minutes (slowly) and mostly bedridden to being able to study and pursue photography (all the while inviting strangers to my home for portraits) to being able to [...] to the UK on my own and walk the airports both ends and enjoy a break with family, this hold has changed everything, I could not have dreamed of doing all those things the year before, none of it would have been possible.

For me, taking this hold has allowed me to recover from the previous taper, it [...] true I had a setback lately but that was probably due to a stressful trip and then my doctor retiring and the anxiety that came with that, as a benzo dependent, nothing [...] more stressful than going on flights and the chaos of airports to then having your doctor inform you he [...] no longer practising, mega stress and anxiety came back and yes, I had my first wave, which was so disappointing and yet the good news [...] my mind cleared even more, I now do not have the fog I had when I went to the UK, so I will take that as a further sign of [...] and stabilizing. My mind [...] clearer than it has ever been in this journey, in fact, I would [...] as far to say I am mostly awake now... scary !!! I do not have "true" windows however but the clarity I have now [...] so much more than it once was, I was in a withdrawal fog for so long.

I plan to just hold here to [...] used to this new level of clarity and normal and it [...] my [...] that when I do resume my taper, that I have recovered enough to allow me to [...] lower in my dose without such resistance as something has to work and this [...] the only thing [...] that I think will work, my brain and body simply had enough before and I was never able to [...] that green light and yet I think, with holding here for awhile longer yet to allow more [...], I will be able to carry on tapering in the future and [...] past that 2.8 mg wall once and for all.

Holding can take time to work when we are so very sick yet I lost 70% of my dose in 7.5 months, it was way too fast for me and so now how I see it [...] that I need to recover and heal from that before being able to taper lower... I figure if it takes 2 years for most to heal post taper or CT, then a 2 year hold might see me healed to this point and I [...] then that I will have to ability to taper the rest, or to a lower dose at least whereby I may need to hold again for awhile, all I know [...] this hold has given me some life back that I never had before and I firmly believe that we heal even when holding... it just takes time.




« Last Edit: March 19, 2016, 05:36:40 pm by [Buddie] »
Suggestions, opinions and/or advice provided by the author of this post should not be regarded as medical advice; nor should it substitute for professional medical care. Consult your doctor before making any changes to your medication. Please read our Community Policy Documents board for further information.

[Buddie]

Re: The Long Hold Support Group
« Reply #14 on: March 19, 2016, 04:43:32 pm »

  I'm glad you formed this group.  Most others are going too fast for us anyway and thats good if its working for them but obviously it isn't for us.  I still am not stabilized after 3 weeks so I am holding some more.  Thanks for starting this it was needed and much appreciated.

[...], please give it more time, we can panic when[...] bad and feel that a hold [...] never going to work and yet it will, it really will, what helps [...] losing the fear of holding, nothing bad [...] going to happen, if anything, you will start to notice small improvements as time goes by, it took me awhile (see my post above) yet I got there.

We literally need to forget tapering for awhile to reap the benefits of a long hold, 3 weeks [...] nothing, 2- 3 months and you would start to feel vastly different, that's what I found.

Give it 2 months minimum and makes notes, if you can honestly say at 2 months you feel as bad as you do now, then let me know, I would be very surprised if you do not feel a lot better but for me it took a bit longer but I am so glad for it because I was so sick of being sick, be kind to your brain and body, it will thank you for the break.

Suggestions, opinions and/or advice provided by the author of this post should not be regarded as medical advice; nor should it substitute for professional medical care. Consult your doctor before making any changes to your medication. Please read our Community Policy Documents board for further information.

[Buddie]

Re: The Long Hold Support Group
« Reply #15 on: March 19, 2016, 04:49:38 pm »
  I'm glad you formed this group.  Most others are going too fast for us anyway and thats good if its working for them but obviously it isn't for us.  I still am not stabilized after 3 weeks so I am holding some more.  Thanks for starting this it was needed and much appreciated.
It's taken me 7 weeks from my last cut to hit baseline. I'm.still holding to give my body a break. I went way to fast but was able to cut 7.5mg rapidly. I waited 3 weeks to make sure I was stable and then cut 1mg and all hell broke loose. I hate the unpredictability of [...]. Holding [...] definitely a good thing especially for your sanity.
Suggestions, opinions and/or advice provided by the author of this post should not be regarded as medical advice; nor should it substitute for professional medical care. Consult your doctor before making any changes to your medication. Please read our Community Policy Documents board for further information.

[Buddie]

Re: The Long Hold Support Group
« Reply #16 on: March 19, 2016, 05:04:19 pm »
Nice to read everyone's experiences here. [...] so glad you found that holding works. I never got to the point where I suffered much because early on I would stop and [...] back and continue to hold that dose until I could cut another .25mg and barely feel it. Im to the point now where I can hold 5 weeks, make the cut and have very few sxs, maybe an afternoon of dizziness, some anxiety...I noticed that when I cut too fast, I got very sick, very fast. I went against the prevailing advice by holding longer. I just instinctively felt it was best to take it slow. "Slow ride...take it easy..."!  :thumbsup:
Suggestions, opinions and/or advice provided by the author of this post should not be regarded as medical advice; nor should it substitute for professional medical care. Consult your doctor before making any changes to your medication. Please read our Community Policy Documents board for further information.

[Buddie]

Re: The Long Hold Support Group
« Reply #17 on: March 19, 2016, 05:11:45 pm »
I am not only holding but made an updose after I got slammed.I dont know when I will cut again as I have switched to a LT
Suggestions, opinions and/or advice provided by the author of this post should not be regarded as medical advice; nor should it substitute for professional medical care. Consult your doctor before making any changes to your medication. Please read our Community Policy Documents board for further information.

[Buddie]

Re: The Long Hold Support Group
« Reply #18 on: March 19, 2016, 05:16:22 pm »
  Oh yes, I am holding but I am on three meds that have to be tapered, that [...] what scares me so much.  My old Dr. had me on Soma and vicodin for way too long but I have severe spinal issues and just had surgery so the pain management was needed.  I never realized the Soma acts on gaba also so I am getting doubly whammied and will have to taper off two brain altering drugs and also the vicodin.  I'm very scared but just doing the bbest I can right now.  I cut from 4 to 5 pills 350 mg. each of the Soma to only 2 to 2 1/2 a day in the last year so I guess with starting the [...] taper my system jsut can't take it right now.  I am holding all meds and going to see where I am after a few more weeks or months, however long it takes.  Thanks for your story [...], you are one strong person, I dont think I could have gone on as long as you did. 
Suggestions, opinions and/or advice provided by the author of this post should not be regarded as medical advice; nor should it substitute for professional medical care. Consult your doctor before making any changes to your medication. Please read our Community Policy Documents board for further information.

[Buddie]

Re: The Long Hold Support Group
« Reply #19 on: March 19, 2016, 05:38:40 pm »
I am not only holding but made an updose after I got slammed.I dont know when I will cut again as I have switched to a LT

I pretty much always found it necessary to make a small updose before holding just to help me [...] out of a bad place.

You will be [...] but give things time to settle, it doesn't happen overnight but it will happen.
Suggestions, opinions and/or advice provided by the author of this post should not be regarded as medical advice; nor should it substitute for professional medical care. Consult your doctor before making any changes to your medication. Please read our Community Policy Documents board for further information.