Made it... finally

I'm writing this to share my experience with Benzo withdrawal and hopefully help other people having problems getting off them. My benzo of choice has always been valium, I can't comment on other benzo's as I haven't tried them. Although I have heard that moving to valium can be a good idea if you are on one of the more "hard-core" variants. This information is purely "how I did it" and not meant to be the definitive guide to tapering. I'm writing it as much for myself as for anyone else...

 

My first experience of valium was when I was in a rehab centre receiving treatment for my alcohol addiction. I'm a recovering alcoholic - but that's another (long and horrible) story. They gave me valium to help with chronic withdrawal symptoms, which any alcoholic will tell you - are truly horrendous. So bad in fact, that you would rather drink yourself to death than go through them. I nearly did just that.

 

It’s been 4 years since I had a drink. I feel very good about this.

 

After a few months of sobriety I decided it might be a good idea to obtain some valium, for "recreational" use. I was having trouble getting relaxed enough to enjoy myself in social situations (without drinking). So I justified it by telling myself it was helping me stay off the drink. I know that this was the "addict" in me, helping with decision making, as it does. I've learnt to recognise this voice, but in this case it seemed like anything that stopped me relapsing can't be a bad idea. Looking back this probably did go SOME way to keep me from drinking - at first... but it certainly wasn’t a good idea.

 

Finding a local source on the internet was easy enough... and soon I had hundreds of blue 10mg diaz in my house. At this point I was not considering the prospect of physical addiction - which is insane and gives you an insight of what it’s like to be an addict. I somehow managed to ignore what I knew about benzos, what I've been warned about and decided that "it wouldn’t happen to me". Ridiculous.

 

At first I started taking a couple on the weekend if I went out, then quickly this became Friday, Saturday and Sunday. I'm into bodybuilding so I didn't use it through the week while I was training. Things were stable like this for a while. 

 

Then came the symptoms. I didn't know about the long half-life of diaz, or the endless list of benzo withdrawal symptoms - so for a long time I didn't relate the symptoms to the cause. I had a lifetime of alcohol abuse behind me and I self-diagnosed that something was seriously wrong with me - caused by my drinking. A reasonable assumption to make - I am still surprised that I'm not dead. Did you know it's possible to drink (quite literally) 24-7 for months at a time and not sleep or eat, and NOT die? Well, you can. Warning: I'm a professional - Don't try this at home.

Anyway, the thought that I MUST have messed myself up - and the weird symptoms, caused me deep anxiety, but being a typical man (and typical secretive addict), I didn't tell anyone or go to the doctors. I just worried. Then I started taking more valium to cope with the worry - and also taking it whenever I got these strange symptoms, which were becoming more frequent. At this point I'd pretty much lost control.

 

My first really big shock came from sudden, debilitating dizziness, to the point where I couldn't walk. I was in my car coming back from the gym and BAM! Stop the car. What...the...hell? It felt like part of my brain had melted away to the side. I was in a bit of a panic. I went into a shop and got some chocolate - I suffer from hypoglycaemia (low blood sugar - thanks again to alcohol for that one), so I thought it might be related to that. I waited a while and managed to get home - then medicated with loads of valium to sort myself out. At this point I was seriously worried I had a brain tumour or something. It happened again some weeks later, getting out of bed. Extreme dizziness, flickering vision...like I was streaming a movie on a bad internet connection. I spent the rest of the day in bed with my valium for company. Then it happened again getting off the tube where I made a scene in the rush hour - I had to sit down in the tube station. Medics came. I told them it was my hypoglycaemia. By now I was taking valium almost every day.... and the only time I felt bad was when I didn't take enough of it.... hmmm...could it be..?   

I was very scared at the time - looking back, writing this, it all sounds so obvious now. Anyway I started to piece things together and had that "Eureka" moment while reading some list of benzo symptoms online.

 

Actually I was happy - at least I knew what the hell was going on and that I'm probably not going to die in the near future. Here began the age of understanding - If I kept my intake consistent - then I could function (for now) without too much drama. Consistent meant around 30-50mg per day... often more at weekends. This was OK for a while, but eventually I started getting dizzy even at high doses, which was good in a way because it made me decide to stop.

 

So at this point I realized I needed to get off them somehow. It took me around 2 years...but here I am. I kept failing mainly because I didn't know how to taper properly and manage my symptoms. I also have a life and I didn't take time out to get better - I just tried to carry on as normal while withdrawing... it’s possible but it’s the hard route. I learnt some major lessons along the way - and if I'd known all this stuff upfront, I could have done it MUCH quicker. 

 

ALL my symptoms, of course, were classic benzo withdrawal. Initially the dizziness was the main worry, but it didn't happen that often... in fact I've now had ALL of the symptoms listed around on various websites. They come in all shapes and sizes and at different phases of your benzo "journey". They come at odd times, sometimes worse than others and of varying intensity...It's hard to believe the variety. I won't list everything here, you guys have probably read about them all anyway...just prepare yourself for a long, protracted withdrawal with an almost laughable, seemingly never-ending, list of un-pleasantries. Along with the attacks of dizziness, some of my other bad ones were chest pains (yes WTF is that all about?), blurred vision, EXTREME sensitivity to light and sound, tinnitus (my god how bad – still have it a little) and towards the end of my taper - chronic fatigue and RACING, POUNDING heartbeat - to the point where I'd get out of breath just standing up. This was really scary, especially when the chest pains kicked in as well (I had to double-check the benzo withdrawal symptoms just to reassure myself). People still tapering - DON'T WORRY - symptoms are temporary, you are going to be OK.

 

To top it all off I got really fat because I was a couch potato. Great.

 

I'm pretty shocked about how easily I feel into this trap, especially when you consider I'd won a 20-year battle with alcohol. I'm not going to beat myself up about it, but I really should have known better! I'm also shocked about how quickly your brain and body becomes dependant on benzos. Avoid at all costs if you can.

 

SO, I thought I'd add some tips on how I did it. This might not work for you - but it’s worked (eventually) for me. If I'd followed this advice I'd have been drug free ages ago. Remember I'm talking about Valium/diaz here and I've no idea if the same applies to other benzos.

 

1. STABILIZE. Get your valium intake the SAME EVERY DAY. This was incredibly important. Stabilization can take time and effort. I struggled with this as weekends were always worse. Now, for a LONG time, my version of stabilizing was to take an average of the fortnight and then try to do the same the next 14 days. Wrong, wrong, wrong - NO AVERAGES. You MUST stabilize the dosage to the same each day - symptoms are MUCH less once you get to that point. Your brain doesn't want to be up and down, that’s what causes most of your problems. Let it down gently. Avoid peaks and troughs as much as possible. Do this before anything else. Try to take it at the same times too.

 

2. TAPER. Obviously, don't try to stop without a taper - I've tried it and it was easily the worst symptoms I've ever had (hell on Earth)...it can be really dangerous so don't even consider it. My biggest problem BY FAR, was tapering too fast or incorrectly – and then hitting really bad times and taking extra diaz to compensate. Slow and steady wins the race. Reduce by 1mg per day, every 1-2 weeks. I cannot emphasize enough how important it is to go slowly and consistently. I've failed so many times by getting ahead of myself. REMEMBER - STABILITY and SLOW REDUCTION is the key. It doesn't matter if you only have 10mg tabs, grind them up and divide into doses. So example - 20mg per day for 1-2 weeks, then down to 19mg per day for the next 1-2 weeks. From 40mg you could be almost done in 20-40 weeks. I didn't stick to this until the last attempt and that's why I kept failing. Even if you feel fine, stick to the schedule. If you feel bad, push push push and try to stick to the schedule. Try not to be tempted to do more valium on a bad day. Go lie down and ride it out.

 

Now pause - 1 and 2 are the most important. My taper took 2 years because I didn't get these two right. Note that when you get down to 1mg/day, the next step is to go to 0.5. At 0.5, after two weeks, my symptoms were totally manageable and I'd made it. Note that even at 1mg/day I was still getting quite bad symptoms and was thinking "when is this crap ever going to end?” Then at 0.5, initially I had 3-4 days of really bad dizziness. Do not be tempted to do more valium at this point. Go lie down and ride it out. The finish line is in sight.

 

Now some other pointers.

 

3. FORTNIGHTS. Valium sticks around in the body for a while - so 1 week is sometimes too short a time to be considering the next reduction, but see how you feel...sometimes I was able to reduce by 1mg after 1 week, sometimes not. Take a full 2 weeks if you have to, but don’t go TOO easy on yourself.

 

4. STICK WITH IT... it DOES NOT get easier. You might get a break for a day or so and think you are through the worst. You are probably not. Like I said before, I had bad symptoms until the final week. Prepare yourself for a long war. It isn't over until it’s over. Even after you stop, you can still get sporadic symptoms - although for me they have been quite mild up to now.

 

5. EXERCISE. Can be difficult when withdrawing - sometimes impossible - but if you get a "window", it can be helpful to do some exercise. It can give you a little boost. This worked for me in the early days of my taper, helped me get through the day sometimes. Obviously don't go mental and don't go AT ALL if you don't feel well enough. Note that towards the end, in the last 4 months, there was absolutely NO WAY I could exercise. If it gets to that - focus on the goal - you can get in shape when it’s over. 

 

6. SUPPLEMENTS - USELESS in my case. Valerian Root, Melatonin, GABA, Niacin, Vitamins, etc, etc, etc... tried them all and NOTHING worked. Feel free to try them but I personally didn't find anything effective. I've read a study where they used niacin and GABA in mega doses but I wouldn't recommend that without medical supervision.

 

7. SUFFER! Haha, I used to say the opposite to this... but a year after that I was still not done. Learn how to handle your symptoms... realise that they are only temporary and you aren't gonna die. Push yourself to take as much suffering as you can, to remain on schedule. If you are only taking 1mg/day less than you was the week before, then there is not usually a good reason to take any more. Whatever the symptoms, they will pass. Keep telling yourself that. Learning how to cope with your symptoms without reaching for more drugs is one of the most important skills in the process. You can push it further than you think. Go lie down and ride it out. 

 

8. LOG. Keep a written log to track progress. Essential.

 

9. SLIPS. Don't get down if you have a slip, this isn't easy. One bad day isn't the end of the world, get back to the schedule the next day and pretend it never happened. Don't try to "catch up" by doing less diaz the next day(s). 

 

10. LIFE. If you don't have a job and a life and you can stay locked away at home with no-one bothering you, then you should find this a lot easier to do than most people. I found it incredibly difficult to manage to be a good husband, friend and father - whilst simultaneously trying to taper a valium addiction. I told no-one, not even my wife, because I was ashamed. After the troubles we had with my drinking, I couldn't face laying this one on her. However, don't be like me! My advice would be to be honest with the people closest to you, so you can get their support. If they understand why you might not want to do something, you'll get no pressure. In my case there were always duties that I had to do, so of course I would need to take some "tactical" valium before I did it... not good. Give the taper top priority (where possible).

 

I think that's it....I know that most of this stuff is probably on the forums but it's helped me to write about it and I hope it helps you reading it.... this has been a nightmare for me, but now I feel wonderful. In fact, because of all my troubles I don't think I've felt this good in 20 years. I hope I haven't done any long term damage to my brain. Now I need to lose 2 stone....where's that treadmill? 

 

There is light at the end of the tunnel. If someone like me can beat alcohol AND benzos, then anything is possible. Good luck!

 

 

Hi Dappy  thanks for sharing your journey, and passing on the wisdom only  true suffering endows on us all  Many of us did a reverse brain bashing to you also unwittingly, Benzo's first not knowing about withdrawal. Misdiagnoses and drinking to try escape the pain and fear of a myriad of other symptoms  I at one time thought the booze was the problem too until I stopped drinking and things were still escalating, I wish you well and then some 

 

 

Love Nova xxx  :smitten:

Congratulations on some hard won victories!  Thanks for sharing your story.  Be well

Thanks for sharing your journey 

Thanks so much Dappy for this message of hope and encouragement.  You've been through a lot and you've learned a lot. Now it's time to live the life you've worked so hard to achieve, alcohol and benzo freedom. You deserve it!!

 

pianogirl 

Great job, Dappy! Good for you! You've learned some major life lessons along the road to hell and back, and I'm so glad to know that you're doing well now. I'm sure you'll lose that extra weight too, since you know how to stick to a plan, no matter how hard it is. Congratulations, and all the best to you!

Best wishes for your life. Thank you for sharing your story.  It gives all of us hope that are in the mist of healing. 

Congrats you should be very proud of yourself. You did it ! Enjoy your life .

Very encouraging Dappy! Congratulations on your success.  C

Thank you for posting! Also thank you for posting the details!  Congratulations 

Thanks for your kind words everyone...  wish I'd found this forum a long time ago!

Congratulations Dappy!

 

Thanks so much for taking the time to write your story AND the tips...everything you wrote worked for me as well. I know life will just keep getting better and better for you! 

 

Hugs

Thank you for sharing, so much! Spurts of light and hope. I'm only 3 months into recovery, but hoping this is a good sign! God bless and congratulations!!

Having some mild symptoms these last few days, out of nowhere... nothing that I would consider as BAD, but definitely benzo related. Its always the balance and dizzyness with me... no way im going back now but I thought it would be worth posting as I'm into 2 months benzo free and they are still hanging around - is that normal?

Definitely normal my friend, I'm four months out and I still get symptoms. There are lots of folks here that have symptoms for a good while. They will pass.

Having some mild symptoms these last few days, out of nowhere... nothing that I would consider as BAD, but definitely benzo related. Its always the balance and dizzyness with me... no way im going back now but I thought it would be worth posting as I'm into 2 months benzo free and they are still hanging around - is that normal?

 

Hey dappy,

We've got a whole support group for those who are dizzy. It's a very common symptom -- while taking the medication, while coming off it and, of course, during the post-taper period. You're welcome to join us or just have a look at the Dizziness Group thread in the Support section. There are a number of links at the beginning of the thread, plus a great list of colourful terms that people use to describe their dizziness. "Floaty boat" is a common one. Anyway, I hope it's short-lived for you. Take good care!

dappy

thank you for sharing your experience. I am a big fan of dizziness and now facing a hardship toward this symptom. I have a slight thinking to just give up and give my 10 or 20 years to benzo. But I know that's a crazy idea. I develop of fear on walking now, whenever I walk and feel a slight dizziness, I will get anxious and panic. If you don't mind sharing, does your dizziness quite subdued now ?

Clarity41 - Its good to know its normal to still have some symptoms. I will soldier on!

 

Lapis2 - thanks I didn't realize there was a dizzy group. I will check that out.

 

contikitiki91 - do not give up! you know that's a bad idea. Yes, it's quiet subdued now, especially compared to earlier in my taper. I used to live in constant fear - what if I was driving? ...or holding my child? etc. etc. The very last week of my taper I still had it really bad. Sometimes I would crawl around my house on my hands and knees. Thankfully now its mild and doesn't last as long. Like today, I've spent the whole day (so far) without it... which is fantastic after all these years. I'm able to contemplate doing "normal" things that I wouldn't have even attempted before - like going to IKEA . However, on the weekend I was dizzy again (slightly) - so I'm not fully back to normal yet.

Yeah, The Dizziness Group consists of a bunch o' wobbly, floaty, boaty people! Thanks to the benzo beast, we're banging into walls and doing our best not to fall down. Again, I'm hoping it's short-lived for you. Just know that it's quite common because of the way the medications work in the vestibular system.

Congratulations Dappy and thanks for your story of hope.

Yep, sorry to say, mate, but the dizziness comes and goes.  It has been a year now with some weeks that I think it's over, but then it comes back.  Just had a very bad wave of it last week.  Hoping it will end soon. 

Wow, what a journey and congrats on THAT!!! 

 

 

I could so relate to how you described the secret addiction. I did the same. It was sick and I can hardly believe it happened to me. This drug is so seductive and evil. It just gets you by the throat and your in! You will have to fight your way out for sure. You did and so many of us have. I am over a year now, free and well. I can hardly believe it. I was so, so sick, all that you describe. I had every sx you can imagine. I never ever thought I could be myself again and now I am and an even better me! 

 

God bless your future and you have proven to yourself, you CAN do anything and your a very strong person! AWESOME!!

 

magic

HI buddies... something to add. HYPOGLYCEMIA is a symptom!!! why didn't I know this???

 

Since I stopped drinking I've suffered with low blood sugar. I was told in rehab that this was normal. It means I have to eat every 2-3 hours during the day and  it makes dieting very difficult and also I have to plan everywhere I go to make sure I've got food supply. Its literally involved in everything I think about. I've gotten used to it but its awful really.

 

Now, normally with a good diet you return to normal over time (I didn't know this)... but of course I started taking benzos and ive had hypoglycemia for 4 years - constantly.

 

Since I quit the benzos Ive gradually noticed that the blood sugar stuff hasn't been as bad... so I did some digging and.... surprise! benzos responsible again !!!! I can't believe that yet another of my problems and worries was due to the benzos.... I feel silly now that I didn't also associate it along with everything else. I hadn't noticed it listed with the common symptoms.

 

Its now 11am and I haven't eaten since 7am.... that hasn't happened in 4 years.

 

DAMN YOU BENZOS.

 

(I'm deliriously happy though!  )

 

daps

 

Yep, sorry to say, mate, but the dizziness comes and goes.  It has been a year now with some weeks that I think it's over, but then it comes back.  Just had a very bad wave of it last week.  Hoping it will end soon.

Yes dizziness sure are anxiety related symptom. I had it when I feel so anxious. the more anxious or panic I am, I will struct with a lethargy or almost passed out like situation. I had a better situation last 3 weeks but this week, I had a health anxiety issue and it comes a bit.

Congrats!  I relate to you're story.  Especially going through this when you have a life.  Family arn't always supportive.  My wife claims she's supportive but then expects me too keep up with her, and drive everywhere for hours a day.  That's not support.