Matt Samet, Mad In America: "Setbacks"

It seems that writer Matt Samet experienced a "setback" while writing his powerful series of blogs on the experience of psychiatric medication withdrawal.

 

He writes, "If the only way through before was forward, then forward I shall go again."

 

Have a look:

 

http://www.madinamerica.com/2013/10/setbacks/

I've read that blog entry, but since I've just had to quit coffee, it was good to read it again.  I thought I was well on the way to full recovery, but got a little wake up call at month 13.  After a 2 week ski trip out west where I wore myself out physically and drank a bit of wine (really, only a bit!), I came home feeling fairly exhausted, so started drinking a little extra morning coffee -- fresh ground, dark roast, French press brew.  Lovely stuff!  It took a few days for my brain to crash, but crash it did.  Days aren't horrible, but night anxiety/panic has reared its ugly head, leaving me with that "oh shit, not this again" feeling.  So I got honest and quit my much loved coffee.  I am drinking a mug of Irish breakfast tea in the morning, but will taper that as soon as it seems that I'm past the potential headache stage.  Next step: sugar... 

Wow! I didn't realize the role that caffeine/coffee might play. I'm not a coffee drinker, although I love the smell. Yum! Would decaf suffice, or is that just a tease?

 

In terms of setbacks, I think it's good that people can find a cause-and-effect situation that can be changed. For the most part, withdrawal involves waves and windows that seem to make no sense at all. You end up questioning whether it was something you ate, did, thought, took, drank, etc., that made things worse, and it might have been, in the words of a friend, "just an eagle farting in the wind"! (Then I had to wonder what the eagle had for breakfast. I mean, is he lactose intolerant, or gluten intolerant? Does the poor eagle have a nut allergy?)

 

Right. Enough silliness.

 

Or perhaps not.

 

But I think you know what I mean. We like logic, and in withdrawal, there just ain't much of it.

 

In the meantime, Tybee, I'm so glad to know that you got out there skiing. That's a huge accomplishment, and I'm hoping it was fun despite the ensuing exhaustion.

Thanks for this -- any information, especially well written, I greatly appreciate.  I am very new to a proper taper and and recently got into coffee again a bit and some sugar only these last 2 days and man, I am feeling it.  OK - the no sugar I can do.  But coffee in the AM a bit hard even at my 3/4 decaf but will probably taper to avoid the headache Tybee is talking about.

 

I identify with the author's longing for a life in which we don't have to regulate all these things - stress, coffee, sugar, exercise.  I thought all I'd have to do is focus on the cutting during my taper -- but it is so many things.  Blech

 

I have always wanted to give up these substances.  But I never imagined it would be under these circumstances.  So, yese, fear is a great motivator but it also is f**kin awful.  Wend

I can't speak from experience, but I have noticed that in some of the Success Stories, people mention that they can eat or drink whatever they want once they're better. I don't know if it's the same for some, most or all of the people, but it's nice to read these positive stories.

 

The thing with giving up some of the problematic things (e.g. foods, drinks, substances) in one's life is that there's usually a reward for having done so. It's not in vain. Good health is precious, so if that means no -- or less -- or a particular substance, then it seems to me that it's worth it.

 

But I understand your "blech", wannabebetter! A very good choice of words!

I get the "bleach" too...    I miss being able to have a drink or two without consequences, and I miss coffee (smell, taste, alertness), but damn, I just can't pay the price right now for either!  Wend, it WILL be better, but it'll take a while.  I've read all the reports that Lapis mentioned -- from people who are recovered and have few or no limitations.  I hope to get there, but if I don't I'm going to settle for life without drugs and hopefully without panic attacks.  It's 80-some percent better than it was a year ago, so I see lots of progress.  I'm just in a little mini crash.   

 

Decaf might be an option down the road, but I've never found a really good tasting one.  I like dark, oily beans with a rich, smooth flavor.  Decaf always tastes old and anemic.  Besides, one of my lingering symptoms is morning brain fog, and decaf can't touch that.  Just got a little MC Hammer thing going in my head as I typed that 

 

Lapis, never too much silliness.  I love your sense of humor!  And yes, I had a fantastic vacation that I didn't want to come home from.  4 to 5 feet of fresh snow to play in -- it was perfect!  I didn't crash till I got home. 

 

 

Tybee, I think you're doing fantastically well at 13 months off. Really, there are many who take much, much longer to heal enough that they can go on a fabulously physical vacation. So, keep that in mind.

 

As for morning cog fog, you could always take a cold shower! That'll wake you up pretty darn quick!

 

Oki. Maybe not a good (or nice) idea.

 

But I'm guessing that you'll continue to improve and be able to get back to imbibing your fave liquids -- hot, cold and otherwise.

Lapis,

Wow, that was an intense read.  It's scary that we may have to be careful for the rest of out lives.  Good to know.  I don't want to go through this again!

I agree, Stephanie.  A very intense read, but so well-written. I think it's important to remember that everyone is different. Matt had a setback, but perhaps we won't. It's such an individual thing.

 

What I took from the article -- aside from thinking that this man has an amazing ability to capture what many of us experience in withdrawal -- is that there ARE factors that are within our control. It just makes sense to take care of our health, whether or not we've experienced medication withdrawal. Matt knew that he'd been having too much caffeine and that he'd pushed the balance too far beyond what his body could handle. We all have to respect our body's limits, but again, it's an individual thing. His is just one story.

Tybee, I think you're doing fantastically well at 13 months off. Really, there are many who take much, much longer to heal enough that they can go on a fabulously physical vacation. So, keep that in mind.

 

As for morning cog fog, you could always take a cold shower! That'll wake you up pretty darn quick!

 

Oki. Maybe not a good (or nice) idea.

 

But I'm guessing that you'll continue to improve and be able to get back to imbibing your fave liquids -- hot, cold and otherwise.

Aww -- thanks, Lapis!  Your good words made me feel better on a rainy/gloomy morning 

 

But no cold shower!!!  I've been able to tolerate a cup of tea better than I did coffee, and that helps some with the AM fog, so I'll go with it for a while and see how I do.

 

Back to Matt -- he has some pre-existing issues that may contribute toward his intolerance of anything stimulating now.  He was also on some crazy high doses of benzos, so must have really fried his poor little GABA receptors. 

 

Last of all, Lapis, there are absolutely many wellness factors within our control, and we owe it to our precious lives to take the best possible care of our bodies and minds.  Or at least to always be striving for that, even on the days when we fall on our faces....get up, adjust your game plan according to what you've learned, and try again...  I just said that for my own benefit -- needed a nudge. 

Oki doki, no cold showers for Tybee! I'm glad you're settling into the tea habit, though. That's good to hear. There are myriad coffee substitutes, but I'm sure you'd find them lacking. As a non-coffee drinker, I always found them to be "interesting", but not coffee-like.

 

As for Matt, I did read in one of those blogs that his range of benzo intake had been from low to very high, so you might be right about his poor GABA receptors. My max. dose of anything was always considered "low" by any doctor I asked, which is why they kept telling me it wasn't causing my dizziness. Right. Uh-huh. Sure. Anyway, suffice to say, we're all different, and it's never a good idea to take another person's experience and say, "That's going to happen to me too!" We just can't know.

 

I agree with you on the wellness factors. I think we can all make good choices, e.g. with regards to food, drink, exercise, etc. And hopefully, we've all learned a bit about what does and does not work for our own bodies.

 

Keep up the great work, Tybee!  :-*

My benzo dose was relatively low too, but here we are -- still plugging along with our most definitely benzo related symptoms.  I'm going to take a WARM shower in a minute and head to a doctor appt (my PCP) -- for a shoulder issue that won't heal up.  I've been thinking over whether or not to mention remaining benzo issues when he asks how I'm doing.  He's been somewhat receptive to hearing the truth, but I suspect that he's still a bit skeptical. 

 

Speaking of symptoms, how's your dizziness lately?   

 

Edit: The shoulder prob is from a fall back in November.  I was running trails, tripped over a tree root that was hidden by leaves, and fell hard on my shoulder.  It's just not healing up, so I'm going in to see what's in there. 

Ah, yes, the doctor question. It's a tough one. I hope it goes well, whether or not you decide to be honest about how you feel. Best wishes with your shoulder, Tybee!

 

I'm still a dizzy dame, thanks for asking. Mostly 6s, 7s, and 8s, but never two better days in a row. That's what I'm dying for. Today's a 7, but I'm barely functional due to yesterday's 8 and the resulting fatigue and pain. Please, Universe, give me two 6s in a row!

 

 

I hate that you've had this going on for so long!  Yes, please Universe, give Lapis two 6s in a row -- followed by a 5!  Please!  She needs it and she's been such a good and patient person, she deserves it! 

 

I told the doc the truth and he was nice.  He didn't say much about it, but I prefaced my statement about WD with a request that he try to understand and believe that this is what I say it is.  He's a good guy, and lucky him that he hasn't had to learn personally what we now know.  He's still relatively young, so if he figures some of it out through me, it might help other patients down the road. 

 

We didn't scan the shoulder today, but I did see a PT.  I'm going back tomorrow and he'll try to figure out from symptoms what it is. I hate to spend the money on an MRI if I don't have to, but it's gotten so bad I'm afraid I'll end up with a frozen shoulder if I ignore it.  My PCP thinks there could be a labral tear, which makes sense.  Time will tell... 

 

Hope we both sleep well...  Good night! 

 

 

Thank you, Tybee, for the call out to the Universe! I don't seem to have much pull myself. I'll take whatever help I can get on that one. I'm SOOOOO sick of being wobbly and almost falling down with dizziness! I keep telling myself that tomorrow may be the day it's gone. It's the only way I can keep going, because I'm seriously exhausted. 

 

I'm quite impressed by your doctor. "Nice" is better than a lot of BBs get when it comes to discussing benzo withdrawal. And you never know, he may already have an inkling that this sort of thing is going on. I agree that you may be helping others down the road. Good Karma!

 

Best wishes re: your shoulder! I'm a fan of PT, so I hope that whomever you see is an ace PT who can sort out what needs to be done to get that thing healed. 

 

I know you've had it worse than many of us.  When i'm feeling sorry for myself, I think of people like you who struggle to simply walk...  If we all heal eventually, your floaty wobbly crap has got to turn around soon!  I do ask that of the Universe... 

 

Thanks for the good shoulder wishes.  I'm doing lots of home exercises to strengthen the rotator muscles and will see them twice a week for a month.  If it doesn't work, I'll have to get it scanned, but I'm going to think positive and do what they ask of me.  Time will tell, huh? 

 

 

Personally, I think Matt had a good supply of working GABA receptors. If you read his book, you'll see about his parent's divorce, mother's multiple suicide attempts, an eating disorder running through the family, high academic expectations placed on him, going to a rough school, getting jumped, living in a rough city etc. etc. Anyone who climbs mountains is probably not that low on GABA 

Hi Free,

 

You might be right that Matt started out with a decent set of receptors...  But the things that I relate to in his story are all the trauma, as well as the higher risk sports.  I came by PTSD honestly -- lots of pretty horrific trauma in my early to mid life, and maybe because of that, I turned to sports like skiing double black diamond slopes and white water kayaking.  It took that to make me feel fully focused and alive, and I suspect that he was much the same.  I'm getting older now and my joints are forcing me to cut back, but I miss it.  The strange thing is that while I've always had an anxiety disorder, I would get calmer when I was pushing myself to my absolute limit.  Same with my job -- I'd be anxious on normal days, but on the brutally hard days, I'd get into the proverbial zone and wouldn't feel stressed till it was all over.  It's such a shame that both he and I thought that we needed benzos to live well.  I don't regret the lessons I've learned from this journey, but I do regret the quality time lost to drug side effects and withdrawal. 

Hi Tybee,

 

Not dismissing Matt's recovery (quite the contrary), and I do agree with the trauma. I grew up with a binge drinking father (which made me dislike alcohol), and an abused but functional mother who was also using benzos to cope PRN for an extended period of time. I also went through a parents' divorce, civil war in my birth country, struggling to survive in my adopted country, etc. etc. Stayed away from benzos most of my life (was mostly reliant on Prozac, but the stress of everthing piled up and I started to crumble about 3-4 years before benzo use.). I do have to admit that even these "grey years" were stellar compared to this benzo suffering.

 

So, I did have somewhat anxious predisposition, but I think not having a reliable father in my life who criticized me a lot damaged my self-esteem. Father would also criticize my mother for her weight gain, so she'd gain even more wait due to that trauma.

 

So I knew about benzos from a very early age. I recall my mother taking them when her beloved aunt died. But then my mom seemed a bit spaced out that year. I thought it was grief, but maybe it was the benzos, too. I honestly thought these meds helped my mother and thought they'd help me. But the ativan is so much more potent than the benzos my mother was taking. Never in my dreams did  I expect such a crushing withdrawal.....

 

I was never a sports fanatic, but noticed that I was always a bit of a perfectionist in my work and a bit obsessive. Was pushing myself when I could have stepped back.

 

 

Free -- I'm so sorry for what you went through.  It amazes me that humans can continue to grow through so much.  The combination of poor parenting and all the other strife that you allude to has to have left you quite traumatized, but here you are, sounding stable and intelligent, despite the harm.  We're tough, resilient women, are we not?   

I've looked for and haven't been able to find more recent updates from Matt Samet.  I've wished him well a million times over; must have been very very hard to relapse after some time spent feeling much better.  I pray things have eased for him again.

I didn't see any recent updates when I came across all of these old posts. However, I know that he has written a book, but now that I've checked, I think it was published in 2013, i.e. the same year as many of the articles on Mad In America. I know that he's in that upcoming documentary film called "As Prescribed", but there's only a small bit of him in the trailer. I, too, am hoping that he's doing well, now that a fair amount of time has passed.