Lizie's three year update

 

Hi!

 

I am so grateful that I found this site back in 2012 as it played an instrumental part in my recovery.  I not only learnt how to titrate and recognise the value of meditation, but I also realised, from the fantastic support I received, that I would recover.  This was huge as I had completely lost my confidence.

 

It all started in 2007 when I had a triple fusion.  I was referred to a pain doctor and thus began my fall into accidental addiction.  He convincingly stated that I would never be able to tolerate my nerve pain without drugs.  Unfortunately, I trusted him at the time and, in turn, he nearly destroyed me.  After several variations, he finally had me taking Lyrica, Oxycontin, Hydrocodone and Clonazepam!  I was like a zombie and felt my life was over.  Swollen from Lyrica, I asked for tapering advice and quickly realised that he was clueless, disinterested and only knew how to prescribe.  I was in serious trouble.

 

After I fired him, I began reducing each drug in the desperate hope that I would one day feel normal again.  I started with Lyrica naively not even knowing what the word 'withdrawal' really implied.  Was I in for a shock!  The nausea, stomach cramps and flashes were debilitating.

 

After this experience, I thought I would consult a rehab facility thinking they could offer some expert advice.  They stated that as I seemed to have my 'act together' and to be very 'motivated', they would not help.  I was stunned at the time, but now I consider that to have been one of the luckiest days for me, as I know now they would have ripped me off the meds and replaced them with a new list of misery.

 

So I decided after this fortunate rejection, to find a "suboxone" doctor who would give me Suboxone to help me get off Oxycontin and Hydrocodone.  I found a respected person in this field and made clear from the start that I only wanted to be on Suboxone for a few weeks to get off opioids.  Our rapport was good at first until he realised I really did mean what I said.  After a few weeks, when I stated that I had been reading about Suboxone and that I needed to be off soon, he raised his voice telling me that he knew more about this drug because he was a rep for the company.  This completely explained his recent frustration that I would dare to have an opinion about my own health!  It was this blatant conflict of interest that gave me the momentum I needed to taper Suboxone on my own and merely use him to temporarily get the stuff.  I succeeded but it was hell!

 

After several weeks of suffering and when I was finally able to leave the bathroom, I thought I would start tapering my last remaining drug, that little yellow pill, Clonazepam.  I had been prescribed it under the guise that it was just a muscle relaxer, so it was a very sad day for me when I found out that it would mean enduring yet another painful withdrawal.

 

Luckily, however, my son found BB on line and at least this withdrawal would be among friends.  I learnt how to titrate and shared support with wonderful buddies.  The following also helped: 

 

family support

healthy fresh food

light exercise like walking

comedies

music

meditation/deep breathing

massage

relaxing showers

heating pads

positive thinking and self talk

happy distraction

sheer determination

patience/time

no meds

gratitude

 

Thank you to everyone who walked this painful path with me!  I have recovered and am so very grateful to be med-free. 

To those who are still suffering, please know that withdrawal is temporary and that you will recover, too.  Just keep things simple, eat healthily and, if possible, try not to take any other meds.  The body has an incredible ability to heal.  Never give up!

 

Lizie     

Yay Lizzie...another one successfully escapes the prison.  Thank you for coming back and posting that you're healed.

Thank you Lizie for your update. So happy you are free and over this part of your life. These stories give all of us still on the roller coaster hope and faith that our day will come.

 

Love Jackie :smitten:

Thank you for your story.  I get hope daily from reading these success stories.  I need all the hope and faith available.  As you know how hard it is with this healing process.  Best wishes for your healing life. 

Tanks

Hey, my opiod+benzos+clueless, idiot-doctor buddie!  I remember you and your story and I'm so glad you're finally doing so well.  My God, we have had to be scrappy against these bozos, haven't we?  

Thank you Lizie for your update.  I so needed to read a post like yours today.  I want to believe I will heal.  Sometimes I doubt it.  I thought I was healed at a year.  At 17 months, I know I am not.  But then I read these posts and it really does let me know that we will heal, I will heal.  Hugs !

Congratulations enjoy your benzo free life💕

I always love reading when people have made it out to the other side! I am so happy for you.

Lizie I am so happy for you. I am getting there, but a little slower then you. Enjoy your life. You deserve it!

I am touched by all these responses!  Thank you!

Yay Lizzie...another one successfully escapes the prison.  Thank you for coming back and posting that you're healed.

 

 

lol  thanks, Drew. 

It does feel like escaping a prison. 

Wishing you well.

Thank you Lizie for your update. So happy you are free and over this part of your life. These stories give all of us still on the roller coaster hope and faith that our day will come.

 

Love Jackie :smitten:

 

 

Your day will come, Jackie.  Never doubt this. 

The cycles gradually fade and you will no longer be on that roller coaster of symptoms.

Take good care of yourself.

Thank you for your story.  I get hope daily from reading these success stories.  I need all the hope and faith available.  As you know how hard it is with this healing process.  Best wishes for your healing life. 

 

I used to rely on the success stories, too, to lift my spirits. 

Just take your time and take excellent care of yourself.

Trust in the healing process and never give up your hope and faith.

Hey, my opiod+benzos+clueless, idiot-doctor buddie!  I remember you and your story and I'm so glad you're finally doing so well.  My God, we have had to be scrappy against these bozos, haven't we?

 

Hi FJ.  I remember you, too. 

Your equation is right!  He just had to combine those opioids with that benzo. 

Who needs one withdrawal when you can have three, right?

Take care.  Hope you are feeling much stronger now.

Thank you Lizie for your update.  I so needed to read a post like yours today.  I want to believe I will heal.  Sometimes I doubt it.  I thought I was healed at a year.  At 17 months, I know I am not.  But then I read these posts and it really does let me know that we will heal, I will heal.  Hugs !

 

Yes, you will heal.  Never doubt this.  The cycles make one lose confidence in the process, but they do eventually fade completely.

One day, you will realise that you have recovered and are no longer thinking about withdrawal.

 

Take care and hugs to you, too.

Lizie--thanks for remembering me.  I keep thinking I'm just about fully healed but I seem to have these PTSD type incidents that pop up.  When something happens that triggers a memory of a really stressful part of acute, it doesn't matter how calm I act on the outside, my CNS just isn't having it.  My heart starts racing and won't stop.  It's like I'm stuck in fight or flight mode. I actually wrote my success story eight months ago and have had lots of good days.  But the symptoms, although nothing compared to what I went through before, just keep cycling around.  Was the end of your healing anything like this?

 

It's interesting to have someone like you to compare to where, like me, you started out with massive pain to deal with and then the layering on of the drugs did you in.  Your suboxone story  is fascinating and horrific!  I had a pain doc try to put me on it when I'd been clean of Oxycodone for 19 months!  Hello?  You couldn't have paid me to take another crumb of the stuff--what's the point of being on something that supposedly stops cravings?

Lizie I am so happy for you. I am getting there, but a little slower then you. Enjoy your life. You deserve it!

 

How lovely to hear from you, Jazzy!  How are you?  Has the good day/ bad day cycle stopped or at least become milder?

I want you to know how much I appreciated all of your tips and encouragement when I was really struggling.

You are a wonderful friend and amazingly resilient. 

I wish you only the best!   

Lizie--thanks for remembering me.  I keep thinking I'm just about fully healed but I seem to have these PTSD type incidents that pop up.  When something happens that triggers a memory of a really stressful part of acute, it doesn't matter how calm I act on the outside, my CNS just isn't having it.  My heart starts racing and won't stop.  It's like I'm stuck in fight or flight mode. I actually wrote my success story eight months ago and have had lots of good days.  But the symptoms, although nothing compared to what I went through before, just keep cycling around.  Was the end of your healing anything like this?

 

It's interesting to have someone like you to compare to where, like me, you started out with massive pain to deal with and then the layering on of the drugs did you in.  Your suboxone story  is fascinating and horrific!  I had a pain doc try to put me on it when I'd been clean of Oxycodone for 19 months!  Hello?  You couldn't have paid me to take another crumb of the stuff--what's the point of being on something that supposedly stops cravings?

 

I found the cycles gradually faded eg my most frequent symptom was benzo flu.  It went from constant hell, to maybe six weeks of misery, to six hours, to six minutes, until it would last a second.  I remember those brief flashes of benzo flu would alarm me, though, because I was so fearful that it would return in full force and knock me down again, to the point that merely getting off the sofa would be a challenge.  That's how painful they had been.

 

I am not sure I have answered your question, but certainly there is a vulnerability to stress, and ptsd regarding the medical profession.  The trust has gone.  I still meditate, exercise, eat healthily and use my deep breathing techniques to counteract any difficult circumstances.   

 

Yes, my suboxone doc was a real gem!  I only used suboxone as a tool to get off opioids but as I said before, he had other plans.  I have to admit though that I set him up that day when he blurted out he was a suboxone rep.  I had sensed his frustration during several visits and deliberately provoked him into declaring his conflict of interest.  They are only allowed a certain number of patients and I was a huge financial disappointment for him ... lol ... 

Well, I've avoided PTSD regarding the medical profession by simply not consulting them!  But I can't avoid my family, and things still come up that just set me off, reminders of how abandoned I've felt by EVERYBODY during all this.  And then my FEAR that somebody will say something sets off my CNS, apparently.  We had a little family dinner party tonight which turned out perfectly fine, but I came close to running away from it beforehand just because of the fear my CNS was registering.  My heart was going 115 in the afternoon.  They left an hour ago and I'm down to 103.  Ugh.  To watch this Chinese New Year's gathering from the outside, you'd never guess there was anything wrong with anybody present!

 

Yeah, I do yoga every single day, listen to relaxation tapes and meditations that remind me how I shouldn't go revisiting hurts of the past.  Great.  Tell it to my Central Nervous System!  I guess the idea is to just keep building the positive pathways and racking up times where things go right.  It's kind of a fine line to walk between exposing yourself to stressors, learning to deal with it and just continuing to try to keep yourself out of harm's way.

 

I guess what I think's going to happen is that my brain will just continue to heal so that things won't seem like such a big deal.  It can't come soon enough, because it feels so stupid to have such seemingly small things set me off!

Unfortunately, FJ, I can't completely avoid the medical profession because of  health concerns unrelated to withdrawal.  I have, however, softened the blow by selecting new doctors and making my views very clear.  I'm in charge now!

 

I think you are right that your brain will continue to heal and things will seem less of a big deal as you move further away from the trauma.  Confidence will increase.  I am still working on this myself.  I am constantly surprised when I cope well, because I still have a tendency to anticipate otherwise.

 

The abandonment you felt by everybody during this must have been very hard.  I was fortunate that I had support from my immediate family but I did keep away from certain 'friends' who just didn't get it.  The best challenge to any criticism is, of course, one's recovery.  They ask questions now and are beginning to understand the difference between physiological dependence and addiction. 

 

 

I'm with you.  The only answer is a complete and solid recovery.  Thanks for taking time to answer when you're well and have much better things to do than be on BB!

Hi lizie, so happy to hear you have recovered. You were one of the first who replied to my introductory posts with helpful comments. Thanks and best wishes to you. I'm almost recovered now, just a few things left. Good luck, and enjoy your new life!

Thanks, Poly, for your good wishes. 

I wish you the best, too, and am so glad that you are near full recovery.

Lizie,

 

Congratulations on your recovery from benzos and pain killers!  I am tapering off Clonazepam and was very inspired by your story.  I had similar "fortunate rejections" from rehab facilities and am grateful.  So glad you were your own knowledgeable health advocate and were able to challenge and fire those awful doctors.  I'm glad too that we all found Benzo Buddies-it is a lifeline!  Thanks for taking the time to share your story!  Best wishes