QBSBrown is Benzo Free- 9/10/09

The other drugs have made me so retarded, that i couldn't even communicate effectively w/ my doc. I think i was in a much better place in CT than having these 2 meds on board.

Sure i was out of my head, but i could still communicate effectively.  I might not eat and sleep much, but to me, and from my previous experiences, the meds only aggrivate the situation.

i think that  my doc just saw me, and the look of death, dramatic weight loss and zero sleep, and told him about the obsessional/paranoid feelings.  I think that he just wanted to knock me out in hopes that it helps w/ sleep and eating.  For sure has helped sleep dramatically.  But crap, i'd prefer something like trazadone to knock me out rather than zyprexa.

Zyprexa and depakote, some nasty nasty meds.

Regards,

Brian

Hi Brian:

Just happened to see that you mentioned Depakote being a nasty med.  I can attest to that!  I was just horrible while on it - it never did anything except make me more depressed and anxious (bi-polar I am NOT!).  My then-psychiatrist wanted me off of it (750mg), and her recommendation was, get this, to come off 250mg at a time, every 3 days!  And this is a "specialist" in this field.  I came off in 3 months and it was still way too fast for me.  My protracted withdrawal had so much to do with this horrible drug. 

I do wish you the best on your journey.  I feel for you as I'm still in a wretched place during my taper off of Klonopin.  I'm nearly done but it has been hell.  There are too many of us who can relate to your story, but I'm so glad we all have each other to lean on.

You'll get through this.  You'll heal and look back and be amazed at your journey.  You will have much to share with others who are on this long, stormy journey.

Jan

Hello, Brian,

How is your sleep pattern?  I know you are going through tough times so I am wishing you a good window.

Patty  xoxoxo

Hello, Brian,

 

How is your sleep pattern?  I know you are going through tough times so I am wishing you a good window.

 

Patty  xoxoxo

thank you patty. I did just have a pretty awesome week in la la land.

WOW, what a wild trip this cold turkey is.  For SURE not recommended. A pure living hell and nightmare 24/7.  Every second of every day is excruciating

First week was unspeakable.  Every breath i thought i was dying. I thought i was going to swallow my tongue.  If i was trying to sleep, and i could hear my heart beat, i was waiting for it to stop, i thought i was dying.  I was too afraid to fall asleep, as i thought i wouldn't wake up.

So many serious physical crap going on, i could barely walk across the room.  Things i've seen i really can't put in writing yet, or better yet, don't want to talk about it.

Thank god once i quit the benzos, i was finally able to eat, and have gained about 5-10 lbs in the past couple of days. I still need to add about 10-15 lbs to get back to normal.

The second week, i dropped all other meds, only being on a beta blocker.  I feel into this weird bliss/englightenement crazy la la land feeling.  A weird trip.  I loved it.

I could finally stay up late, watch tv, and sleep in!  Things i used to love to do.

Then 2 days ago, after being off for about 2 weeks, I came down from my nirvana state, some nasty wd flared up bigtime.  On pins and needles, severe wd and agitation.  Last night i was just pacing around the house all night long. I've only been able to leave the house 2 times since my cold turkey.

I took some zyprexa and was able to sleep from about 8am to 1 pm.  I am paying today for taking zyprexa, as it worsens some wd effects.  Doc said he prefers me taking trazodone for sleep if i need it, or want it.

Spoke with the doc today.  he thinks that i might benefit from neurontin, because it seemed to relieve some wds two times before.  He also mentioned about taking some trazodone for sleep. Aside from sleeping serious hours, and a hangover, i don't have a lot against trazodone.

At this point, i know that i still have the road to recovery. I'd hate to take drugs at this point, as the goal is to be chemical free eventually, but if the trazodone helps sleep, and the neurontin helps some wds, then i won't rule it out.  I figure that every day off of a benzo is good and towards healing.  Distancing myself and on the road to recovery will happen.  the other meds i could stop taking in the near future, once all is settled down.

I'm strapped in, and holding off for dear life on this wild and crazy journey.

Thank you all for being here for me, and helping me get through this.

Love,

Brian

Hold tight Brian...and congrats to putting a some weight...the rest will come.

Just Breathe

Hold tight Brian...and congrats to putting a some weight...the rest will come.

 

Just Breathe

Thank you!  I did take two doses of the Neurontin yesterday, and i slept for 8 hours, 12-8am, w/o eye shades and ear plugs.  That's a first in long time.  I hope that it continues to help.

I am still in a state of utter confusion. I really hope that that passes someday soon:)

Thank you for the support, I need all that i can get.

Brian

I guess this is good to know;

"Antiepileptics

These are sometimes prescribed for benzodiazepine withdrawal, included in this class of medication are Tegretol (carbamazepine) or Neurontin (gabapentin). This class of medication may benefit patients who have been taken off benzodiazepines too quickly and/or where their doctor is refusing to reinstate or taper their patient more slowly. Antiepileptics should reduce the chance of suffering a seizure in those people who have been taken off their benzodiazepine very quickly. Peoples experiences are very different, and whilst some find these medications of no use, others have found they got some symptom relief."

Maybe i won't feel quilty for taking a seizure med like neurontin.  I was taken off quickly, and my doc won't re-instate and/or taper.

Brian

Hi Brian,

Checking in on you, hon.  You are on my mind daily.  I know you are hanging on with every ounce of willpower that you can muster up and I wish I could take some of the agony away but we know that you have to do this alone.  It is a lonely feeling but rest assured that we support you.  I am thrilled you are eating and getting some rest.  Keep us posted.  Hugging you tight.

Patty  xo

Hi Brian,

 

Checking in on you, hon.  You are on my mind daily.  I know you are hanging on with every ounce of willpower that you can muster up and I wish I could take some of the agony away but we know that you have to do this alone.  It is a lonely feeling but rest assured that we support you.  I am thrilled you are eating and getting some rest.  Keep us posted.  Hugging you tight.

 

Patty  xo

Thank you Patty.  I really needed that.  You are really going to make me cry, which is a good thing, it feels good.  The only emotion that i know right now is a brutal hellish one.

The Neurontin seemed to help a bit, as far as sleep and eating went.  But I had some pretty big breakthrough symptoms last night.  I woke up at 430 am, and tried taking some of the trazodone (100mgs, i know, big starting dose)  that the Dr prescribed.  Taking this drug a few years back, it knocked the hell out of me, and i didn't really have adverse effects to it, like every drug in the world.  I was able to lay in bed for a couple more hours, but eventually seemed to agrivate WD symptoms, as every drug has, perhaps minus Neurontin i hope.  The Dr. prescribed 1200 mgs of Neurontin, I've only been taking 900mgs.  I don't think he knows a lot on the subject as most PDOCS do, other than to throw more drugs my way, and tell me that he won't prescribed benzos anymore.  If there is such a thing, he is a good PDOC generally speaking, but i guess there is nothing that they can do in our situations.  Plus he prescribed Neurontin 600mgs 2x a day which shows a little ignorance if you tell me.  Since basically getting my PHD in pharmacology over the past 8 years trying to figure out what was wrong with me, come to find out it was the benzos , i know that neurontin has a very short half life (3-7 hours), and needs to be taken at least 3 times a day (I had to take valium 3x a day), if not 4. I have a fast metabolism w/ all meds, so i started off by taking 300mgs 3x a day.  Perhaps i'll go to 300-300-600, or 300mgs x4 a day.

So it's basically turned in to a living hell, every second excruciating. Well that's a lie, it fluctuates greatly.  I have only left the house 2 times in the past 3 weeks, and it was pretty bad when i did.  My brain and body are incredible as far as thier resiliancy.  My body basically went from extremely thin and decrepit, to normal and muscular over a couple of days, gaining 10lbs in 2 days.. I wondered how i was getting muscular by only eating and laying on the couch lol.

For me to be able to cold turkey the seizure med, 1500mgs of depakote my brain could handle and got better quickly.  When he told me to take 30mgs of zyprexa (antipsychotics aren't good for wd) , only to find that it made me WAY worse. Paranoia shot through the roof, horrible depersonalization, every wd symptom worsened, and i dropped that after a couple of days, and my brain seemed to recover in a few days. And now, 100mgs of trazodone that i took this morning. In all aspects, it seems that i am a quick healer, as far as my brain/body, and all of the cold turkeys from evey medicine ever.  I hope that that trend continues w/ the benzos.

It weird when some wd symptoms go away, it's actually scary lol.  Usually the sounds outside are amplified, including the loud crickets outside.  When that subsided for a few days, that was actually scary, wondering if there was something wrong w/ me, as the sounds have been loud since March.

I really hope that this settles down soon.  The longest i made it on a cold turkey was 3 weeks before i re-instated, and i'm approaching that.

I honestly don't know what i can do at this point.  I will be benzo free 3 weeks as of wednesday.

Can the brain heal while on Neurontin?  I see that it doesn't work on GABA directly, but is a gaba anologue, might help the turnover, and doesn't effect the CNS.  it seems kinda fool heartedly to be taking it if it is hindering my recovery while going through pure hell.  I would rather go through pure hell and know that i am on the road to getting better.

You can get better while on neurontin, correct?

I'm shocked that the drugs and pharmecutical companies haven't developed anything to help and ease benzo wd.  As money grubbing and scandalis as they are, it's crazy that they can't find something.

In the mean time, I'll sit here and hold on for dear life, and know that all of you have my back and are supporting me all the way through.

Any words of encouragement are greatly helpful.

Love,

Brian

Brian,

When I did a cold turkey of 10 milligrams of Klonopin on Oct 10, 2007 I knew I couldn't reinstate no matter how much I hurt.  I knew that because I knew I'd rather die than live one minute of that hell again.  Hang on, don't go back to it no matter what.  You know you don't want to ever be here again and if you hang tough, you never will be. 

I'm healed, you will be too if you get the drugs out of your life.  I was only on the Phenobarbital for 7 days and that was it, from there on it was my own body doing the healing, no drugs!  Do what you have to do to get off of them as soon and as safely as you can.

Pam

Brian,

 

When I did a cold turkey of 10 milligrams of Klonopin on Oct 10, 2007 I knew I couldn't reinstate no matter how much I hurt.  I knew that because I knew I'd rather die than live one minute of that hell again.  Hang on, don't go back to it no matter what.  You know you don't want to ever be here again and if you hang tough, you never will be. 

 

I'm healed, you will be too if you get the drugs out of your life.  I was only on the Phenobarbital for 7 days and that was it, from there on it was my own body doing the healing, no drugs!  Do what you have to do to get off of them as soon and as safely as you can.

 

Pam

Thank you Pam.  I know i can't re-instate either, so does my doc.  And i would rather die than go back on as well.  I guess only the neurontin remains, and not sure when to quit that one.  Doc just called and said to go to 1200mgs from 900mgs, and maybe zyprexa for sleep, hell no (as far as the zyprexa goes)!!

It seems to me that my whole life, that the wd and the drugs served as a way of masquerading all of my underlying issues.  During my first CT about 3-4 years ago, all of my issues seemed to be presented to me, and all of my skeletons in the closet came out.  CT was like truth serum, and i hope to be able to start using that.  it had gotten so bad, that i was having some delirium, and running around the streets in the middle of the night, i could barely tell you my name or address.  My girlfriend at the time, walked into the store i was working at, and it literally took me a few minutes to register in my mind who she was.

Not knowing about benzo wd at the time, i almost hospitalized myself, and re-instated after 3 weeks.  then i found benzo sites and ashtons guielines.

Now being much more informed knowing what i am experiencing, and the horrific moments that i've endured in my life induced by heavy psychotropic drugs, i'm a little more seasoned and versed for dealing with hell.

Thanks for the help Pam.

Brian

But what i have experiened over the past couple of weeks, was worse than the first CT in many aspects.

Was there anything that was a good distraction during CT?

I tried a video game, but it doesn't work.  but it was a sports game, and not interactive.

I can't focus on the tv.  The internet helps a bit, especially chatting w/ friends.

Thanks for the suggestions.

Brian

Was there anything that was a good distraction during CT?

 

I tried a video game, but it doesn't work.  but it was a sports game, and not interactive.

 

I can't focus on the tv.  The internet helps a bit, especially chatting w/ friends.

 

Thanks for the suggestions.

 

Brian

The first 3 weeks I could only lay on my couch and writhe in pain.  After that, I couldn't stand the computer, music or television.  I couldn't concentrate enough on anything to read.  I used to sit on my couch and look out at the mountains. 

Can i still get through WDs while still on Neurontin?  Or does that need to be dropped before i can heal?

regards,

Brian

I don't know anything about that medication, sorry. 

It's ok.  I hope that others might know about it.

Every med that i ever tried, made it worse. Well actually, it would work one day, then make it worse.  This SEEMS to be the first one that hasn't.  Doc wants me to increase it, and I'm not sure.  It's a GABA analogue, so it's not working by binding to the gaba sites like benzos, at least from what i gather.  Rather it works by increasing GABA levels by some effect on a GABA transporter protein.

So i'd just like to know whether i can get better while on it, or if i have to be off to heal.

Thank you for any info you may provide.

Brian

I wouldn't

I don't know anything about that medication, sorry. 

Pam,  I'm very saddened to find out that neurontin is acting like a benzo in me, and is mimmicking benzo wd in many ways.  Similar thoughts, actions.  I am getting bad interdose wds now.  Craving the next dose, testicles up the stomach, sweats, legs kinda thrasing, rigimortis in the fingers when typing.  I think that if i let the craving pass, that it might subside in a couple of hours, or at least i hope so.

Oh wow.  Just as i was approaching week 3 of cold turkey, getting through the woodwork, and was hoping that i was getting better day by day, come to find out that neurontin is setting me back much further it seems.

My first cold turkey 4 years ago, when i didn't know what was happening, i lasted 3 weeks before re-instating, because i was about to hospitalize myself.  I know for a fact that i can't re-instate on this one.

Every second was already excruciating through this, every breathe thought i was dying, and now i would imagine that it could just get worse.

It's been less than a week on the neurontin, and with it's short half life, could be out of my body in about a day or so.

How did u deal with your severe agitation, pins and needles, wanting to run out of the house like a mad person?

I remember running around the city streets like a mad man about 4 years ago, but now i am lucky to step out on the front porch or the deck.

It's been on the neurontin.

It seems like a really sad situation w/o a happy ending.  I guess that i only have time on my hands of a pure hell.

I remember only one thing that helped me, that was cranial sacral therapy oddly (a type of massage). Seeing as i can't leave the house, and have no money, maybe i can talk the parents into me getting it in home.

Wow, what a ride.

Thanks for the help.

I'll be benzo free 3 weeks on Wed.

Never mind, today is 3 weeks off!  too bad the neurontin is a hinderance in my recovery:(

Brian

I don't know anything about that medication, sorry. 

 

Pam,  I'm very saddened to find out that neurontin is acting like a benzo in me, and is mimmicking benzo wd in many ways.  Similar thoughts, actions.  I am getting bad interdose wds now.  Craving the next dose, testicles up the stomach, sweats, legs kinda thrasing, rigimortis in the fingers when typing.  I think that if i let the craving pass, that it might subside in a couple of hours, or at least i hope so.

 

Oh wow.  Just as i was approaching week 3 of cold turkey, getting through the woodwork, and was hoping that i was getting better day by day, come to find out that neurontin is setting me back much further it seems.

 

My first cold turkey 4 years ago, when i didn't know what was happening, i lasted 3 weeks before re-instating, because i was about to hospitalize myself.  I know for a fact that i can't re-instate on this one.

 

Every second was already excruciating through this, every breathe thought i was dying, and now i would imagine that it could just get worse.

 

It's been less than a week on the neurontin, and with it's short half life, could be out of my body in about a day or so.

 

How did u deal with your severe agitation, pins and needles, wanting to run out of the house like a mad person?

I remember running around the city streets like a mad man about 4 years ago, but now i am lucky to step out on the front porch or the deck.

It's been on the neurontin.

 

It seems like a really sad situation w/o a happy ending.  I guess that i only have time on my hands of a pure hell.

 

I remember only one thing that helped me, that was cranial sacral therapy oddly (a type of massage). Seeing as i can't leave the house, and have no money, maybe i can talk the parents into me getting it in home.

 

Wow, what a ride.

 

Thanks for the help.

 

I'll be benzo free 3 weeks on Wed.

I white knuckled it, you know when you hold onto something so hard your knuckles turn white?  Just waited for each minute of my life to tick by until I was healed.

I don't know anything about that medication, sorry. 

 

Pam,  I'm very saddened to find out that neurontin is acting like a benzo in me, and is mimmicking benzo wd in many ways.  Similar thoughts, actions.  I am getting bad interdose wds now.  Craving the next dose, testicles up the stomach, sweats, legs kinda thrasing, rigimortis in the fingers when typing.  I think that if i let the craving pass, that it might subside in a couple of hours, or at least i hope so.

 

Oh wow.  Just as i was approaching week 3 of cold turkey, getting through the woodwork, and was hoping that i was getting better day by day, come to find out that neurontin is setting me back much further it seems.

 

My first cold turkey 4 years ago, when i didn't know what was happening, i lasted 3 weeks before re-instating, because i was about to hospitalize myself.  I know for a fact that i can't re-instate on this one.

 

Every second was already excruciating through this, every breathe thought i was dying, and now i would imagine that it could just get worse.

 

It's been less than a week on the neurontin, and with it's short half life, could be out of my body in about a day or so.

 

How did u deal with your severe agitation, pins and needles, wanting to run out of the house like a mad person?

I remember running around the city streets like a mad man about 4 years ago, but now i am lucky to step out on the front porch or the deck.

It's been on the neurontin.

 

It seems like a really sad situation w/o a happy ending.  I guess that i only have time on my hands of a pure hell.

 

I remember only one thing that helped me, that was cranial sacral therapy oddly (a type of massage). Seeing as i can't leave the house, and have no money, maybe i can talk the parents into me getting it in home.

 

Wow, what a ride.

 

Thanks for the help.

 

I'll be benzo free 3 weeks on Wed.

 

I white knuckled it, you know when you hold onto something so hard your knuckles turn white?  Just waited for each minute of my life to tick by until I was healed.

Apparently that's what i have to do.  How long until you felt a little better?  When were you able to leave the house?

Brian

I went back to work in three weeks, had to.  I still had all of the symptoms and the fear but the distraction was good even though I was in agony.  You're doing it Brian, don't look back, don't go back, don't think, just do it. 

I knew I couldn't go back, I knew I could never live through another withdrawal.  I think you're going to make it this time Brian, I just have a good feeling about you. 

I went back to work in three weeks, had to.  I still had all of the symptoms and the fear but the distraction was good even though I was in agony.  You're doing it Brian, don't look back, don't go back, don't think, just do it. 

 

I knew I couldn't go back, I knew I could never live through another withdrawal.  I think you're going to make it this time Brian, I just have a good feeling about you. 

Wow, i couldn't imagine leaving the house, it's as bad as it get's inside the house.  Then again, somehow i was working part time during my first CT 4 years ago.  This is much worse.

I couldn't even walk up the street if you paid me.

I won't look back, and i know that i can't go back.

What do you mean you think I'm gonna make it? JK LOL.

I just wish the neurontin didn't make me worse.  i only took it for 5 days though, so i can just drop it.  not sure about the beta blocker.

Regards,

Brian

Hi Brian -

Doc placed me on Neurontin (300-900mgs) and I am also scared about how it is affecting my taper. I have taken it for the first 3-4 days after a cut, then drop it until the next cut. I told her I was doing this and she got ticked and told me to take MORE. I've relented and am taking more, but now I have horrendous tinnitus.

Glad you're doing well. Hang in there.....you WILL make it through all this!

PPJ 

Hi Brian -

 

Doc placed me on Neurontin (300-900mgs) and I am also scared about how it is affecting my taper. I have taken it for the first 3-4 days after a cut, then drop it until the next cut. I told her I was doing this and she got ticked and told me to take MORE. I've relented and am taking more, but now I have horrendous tinnitus.

 

Glad you're doing well. Hang in there.....you WILL make it through all this!

 

PPJ 

Thank you PPJ.

Yeah, I found that like every medication that i tried during wd, that it made me worse. It began to give me some of the same thoughts/actions, and physical reactions as if i were taking benzos.

I think the only med that would have worked early on in my taper was the anticonvulsant trileptal, but i couldn't stand the drugged feeling.

I told my doc this, and i cut it out 2 days ago.

Being 3 weeks off, it just seems that it's time to let my gaba restore and replenish itself.

Brian

I went back to work in three weeks, had to.  I still had all of the symptoms and the fear but the distraction was good even though I was in agony.  You're doing it Brian, don't look back, don't go back, don't think, just do it. 

 

I knew I couldn't go back, I knew I could never live through another withdrawal.  I think you're going to make it this time Brian, I just have a good feeling about you. 

Pam, when did some of your racing thoughts begin to subside.  Geez, i've had them the whole time since starting benzos, i wonder what it's like w/o them again.

Regards,

Brian