Jump to content

A Returning BenzoBuddie with Words of Encouragement


[Re...]

Recommended Posts

Hello BenzoBuddies,

 

      It has been I believe two or three years since I paid a visit.  I just wanted to return to update the BenzoBuddies on my progress.  I realize that most of you will not know me, but I thought that I would give a few words of encouragement for those who are pulling the tow, so to speak, and are like faithful warriors on the battlefield holding the line.  I am five years benzo free.  My accidental drug of choice was prescribed by my personal care physician when I went to him with panic attacks that were related to perimenopause.  I was on klonopin for 10 years (1.0mg daily).  I tapered over a 4 months period.  I’m recounting bits and pieces of my story because as I said, it’s been a while since I’ve visited Benzobuddies. 

 

      My worst symptoms while tapering and during recovery were insomnia, by far the worse, and tinnitus, and numbness and tingling.  Before I write any further, let me just say that I am totally healed.  I haven't had a panic attack in 6 years, and I never think about them.  My last panic attack occurred a week after I jumped.  I had three panic attacks in succession one night.  I had no klonopin (because I flushed them down the toilet) and I was determined that I was never going to have another.  I spoke out loud to myself and said enough!  That night, the panic attacks left forever.  I don’t entertain and claim them anymore.

 

      I never believed that I was doomed to have ringing in my ears for the rest of my life, even after the doctor said, “Learn to live with it.”  When I am challenged, then I fight tooth and nail to find a solution for what is ailing my mind and body.  Granted the tinnitus was a horrible symptom because it made my insomnia 100 times worse, but I’m very happy to report that my tinnitus is gone.  I learned to live with it for three years post-jumping, and one day I woke up and noticed that it wasn’t there anymore.

 

      The numbness and tingling was more annoying than anything, and it would come and go over a 2-3 year period; ultimately that faded too. 

 

      Again, by far, my worse symptom was the insomnia.  Quite honestly, if I had a klonopin stash hidden anywhere in my house while in recovery I probably would be on klonopin to this day.  The insomnia was grueling.  I know that this is a horrific cross to bear!  Days, upon weeks, upon months of interrupted, startled sleep, and toxic sleep plagued me.  I never thought that it would end.  Having to work a 9-5 job made it more grueling.  Often times I went to work looking and feeling like one of the walking dead.  It took nearly a year for a sleeping pattern to return where I could function beyond dragging myself out of bed to go to work and to take care of my family.  I could now go back to working out a couple of days a week and interacting with friends and family again on a human level.  Quite honestly, it would take about another 12 months for my sleep to become what I would call quality for me; meaning about 6 hours a night (that was a blessing).  At 5 years post I sleep quite well.    Trust me, quality and refreshing sleep will return.

 

    If you are feeling in despair and feel that there will be no end to your suffering, you are wrong.  You cannot give up.  What you are going through is tough, but temporary.  These very words that I am telling you, others on this very forum spoke to me, and they were absolutely right.  What you are going through is necessary so that when you reach the other side, you will enjoy healing; that is your reward.  But an even greater reward will be wisdom.  I’ve learned that I cannot rely on a medical professional or anyone else to take charge of my health.  I’ve learned that being passive and uninformed about my health is a dangerous recipe.  I am my best advocate for my health; I am the maestro and the physician is just one of the musicians in the orchestra.

 

        I know that you are hurting and suffering, but forging ahead and going through this awkward period in your life will not compare to the beauty of healing that you will experience on the other side.  Healing may come in increments and may not be constant at first, but one day you will wake up and notice that you feel absolutely fantastic; that window will be forever open if you take care of you,  and those multitude of symptoms that plagued your mind and body will be a bitter sweet memory. 

 

      I don’t know if any of the old Benzobuddies are around when I was on the forum between 2009-2013, but I say hello to you and thank you for being there for others who need your support.  Thank you to Colin for his vision of Benzobuddies, and a special THANK YOU to PAM (if she’s still there, and she knows who she is) for being my guardian angel during my great travail, which is now my greater triumph.  Ya’ll are in my prayers.  Stay the course and God Bless.  Retire 2010. :thumbsup:

         

 

  • Love 4
Link to comment
Share on other sites

Wow I'm glad I read this today I'm exactly 10 months off and very unwell and feeling so hopeless. I'm glad u came back and gave me a glimpse of hope. I long for the day I wake up feeling well and happy again . Thank u so much and God bless you always .💕💕
Link to comment
Share on other sites

That is an amazing journey and I so happy that you posted it today. I have read a number of posts today where members are struggling with all the challenges that faced you early on, particularly the tinnitus and insomnia. Your story will inspiration to all in early withdrawal who think they will never heal. I am so glad you did!  :smitten:
Link to comment
Share on other sites

Thank you for your post.  I have become so overwhelmed with the benzo process today, that I feel like this will never end.  :'(  Reading the success stories are one of my only lifelines to "hope". Best wishes to you.  :-*
Link to comment
Share on other sites

Bless you Retire!  Today has been so so difficult.  I had given up hope of ever ridding myself of this horrific anxiety, something I have never ever had in 62 years of life!  I pray you are right about regaining my sanity and the ability to just get in the damn car and go to the grocery store without the elephant anxiety planting itself on my stomach and chest, making breathing impossible.

 

Having survived this, you know all too well how healing stories are the beacons of light we need to navigate the storm.

 

Thank you again,

 

Sofa

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Thanks for coming back to share your success story. It was especially meaningful to me, because insomnia has been and continues to be my worst symptom by far, after more than a year. While I've seen some uneven improvements, it often seems like I'm stuck where I'm at now, just getting small portions of poor-quality, broken sleep. So it gives me hope to read of your gradual improvement over the years, to the point where you're getting reliable, good-quality sleep again.
Link to comment
Share on other sites

Great story Retire......... With a happy ending........ So did it take 2 or 3 years to fully heal........... Are you 100% back to how you were before benzo hell ??????? I've spoke to some people 5-6 years out that are better and living life again but would not say there 100% back to the person they were before?? They will say there better and happy to be on the other side but still have little reminders left!!!

 

Just curious if you are 100% with no residual reminder symptoms left ?????? Cheers........... DP-DR

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Hi Retire, thank you so much for posting your story, especially the part about the tinnitus going away, that is amazing! I was actually put on benzos originally after developing severe tinnitus and of course the insomnia that goes with it. I have since learned from the founder of tinnitus retraining therapy that benzos can actually interfere with the brain's neuroplasicity and make it less able to habituate to and lower the tinnitus. This gives me hope of relief someday.
Link to comment
Share on other sites

thank you for coming back and for your wonderful words of encouragement! it gave me hope. i was walking from work today and was actually crying because the job I'm doing right now is not the one I used to have before jumping off. i used to translate from two foreign languages and I can hardly make eye contacts these days (even when I don't have anxiety). it's like my mind is frozen and i lack words and i feel stupid  :-[ screw the physical symptoms, I want my brain back!

 

how are your cognitive skills now? thinking and reasoning and remembering? did you get it back? i'm feeling pessimistic about those ones ...

 

thanks again for stopping  by! i'm very very glad for you!  :thumbsup:

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Retire--yours is a beautifully written and inspiring success story.  I especially think your attitude of just struggling forward without detouring with "rescue" doses is admirable and worth emulating.  Thank you so much for your thoughtfulness in taking the time to come back and encourage others! :smitten: 
Link to comment
Share on other sites

This is so comforting and encouraging to read, Retire, especially for long-term users and insomniacs. It's often hard to believe sleep will ever recover so you are a great shot in the arm for our hope. Thank you!
Link to comment
Share on other sites

Hello retire!!

 

Thank you so much for coming back and offering more support and hope for our members. I remember your first success story helped me so much, you reminded me that there was indeed light at the end of the tunnel. And There Was -- Light!!! I am healed as well and it was so worth the wait.

 

Enjoy your life, your benzo free healthy life!

 

PG  :smitten: :smitten:

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Thank you to those who found encouragement in reading my update.  Specifically to those who are wandering if I have any lingering symptoms after nearly 5 and a half years, the answer is an unequivocal and reassuring, NO.  I am totally healed from the insomnia to the tinnitus (and those were my worse and lingering symptoms).  That dark veil is gone, and it seems as if those dark days belong to someone else.  Were they really mine?  Some days it is difficult to muster up memories of that time.  What I went through is now a very distant memory. At age 60 my cognition is as sharp as it was at age 30, and I am in the best health of my life.  One last thing that I would like to share.  My avatar says “Retire2010,” and it was my desire to retire or go on disability when I was going through my benzo recovery because I had a multitude of awful symptoms.  During those dark days I felt more robotic then alive, and I was not in a financially good place to take a leave of absence from my job, so I had to work.  But now, after 38 years, I can finally retire.  Life is sweet! 

 

Please hang on to the reality that a better and a more beautiful life are right in front of you.  The dark veil will lift and the sun will shine ever so bright again.  You may feel helpless right now, but never give up hope.  Stay the Course.  “Retire2016.”  :thumbsup: 

 

  • Like 1
Link to comment
Share on other sites

Hi Retire

 

Thank you so much, we really appreciate you coming back and taking the time to post an update. Like you I find it difficult sometimes to recall the really dark times, it feels like it happened to someone else.

 

Have a wonderful retirement

 

Magrita :smitten:

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Fantastic, thank you so much for writing this update. I have read your original success story many times previously and have just gone back and read it again.

 

I can relate to your recovery in that I have had to continue working through this and that dragging yourself to work every day feeling like a bag of crap and putting on a fake face. The distraction helps though sometimes. 

 

It gives me some more hope that this will end.

 

Can I ask if you had physical pain especially the neck?

 

Enjoy the rest of your life  :smitten:

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Hey marj,

 

    Sorry, my hand slipped on the computer on the previous reply.  I don't recall having stiffness in my neck, but my left lat muscle locked into knot for about 30 days straight shortly after I jumped; it wasn't so much a cramp but a knot.  I kid you not.  No matter what I did, tylenol, heating pad, stretching or massage, that left lat stayed in a permanent locked position until one day it just released itself.  Because I was going through perimenopuase at the time of my benzo recovery, at the onset of PMS, my symptoms would intensity 100 fold, and my lat would lock-up again.  I had truly forgotten about that.  I hope that this helps and I hope that you get relief in your neck.  Hang in there trooper! :thumbsup:

Link to comment
Share on other sites

It is SO amazing to hear from someone who has been through it and who takes the time to come back and reassure others. What a lovely gesture! Thank you so much! Enjoy everything that life brings you!
Link to comment
Share on other sites

Hello

 

Thank you so much for coming back,  your story is just wonderful to read!

It must be easier after this is all over to forget and move on and

I can't thank you enough for returning with such a positive message.

Wishing you all happiness for the future.

 

Thanks so much. Just loved reading your story! 

 

Lib  :thumbsup:

 

 

Link to comment
Share on other sites

It was such a blessing to read this today, so very happy for you! I also have Tinnutis and some days get so depressed from this whole sad adventure. It was awesome to read that you fully healed. Enjoy your life and thank you again!
Link to comment
Share on other sites

×
×
  • Create New...