About a rough journey to jumping day... and some reflexion

I Jumped on new year’s eve 2015/2016 at 0.3mg Valium. A 15 month taper.

 

This horrible adventure comes to an end. Imagine my relief. I have a few things to share that might be helpful to those still on the way. Where to begin ?

 

First, I thank with all my heart those on the forums who, by their words of comfort, guidance, simple regular presence, volunteerly provide an essential human support in this terrifying journey. It is clear to me that the Internet age has undoubtedly saved many lives. Moral support is an aspect I consider most important in the process I went through. The information on half-lives, dose distribution, micro-cuts, withdrawal symptoms and tolerance are priceless and not found anywhere else.

 

Yet, I would also like to share the value I've found in not developing a parallel addiction to forum during periods of withdrawal. To connect from time to time (not every day) seems to me a good move with the intention to give or ask for help. But reading other’s testimonies daily might bring more disruption than support. The experience of another is never entirely ours. While tapering our hypersensitivity make us interpret stories dramatically or even write in a way that could offend a reader. Some predictions, even offered a good heart, may greatly disrupt a person in a difficult time. Personally, one that troubled me most is related to "post-taper." I regret that informations about « what may occur » to some of us after cessation of benzos is so accessible to people who start tapering. Some theories (like the "theory of 18 months") might even hinder more than one preparing to commit to tapering. Overall, I was sometimes troubled by the fact that the extreme vulnerability of members is not sufficiently taken into account, in my view, when announcing "what might happen" (even in the Ashton doc). A recurring situation that struck me occurs when someone comes seeking support in a wave and the answers induce that an error has been made (like going too fast !) and that it would be best to revert to a previous dose. Not everyone is giving this kind of advice but I’ve seen it more than once. In my view, the most vital support is one that encourages to move forward (at such times, I would be looking forward to a nice "hang in there, it will pass!". Even if we know that, we need to hear it again and again from somebody else). I have seen people returning to previous doses that might have gained more by an encouraging statement (Since the cessation of benzos is definitely presented as painful, isn’t the best solution to persevere with determination? Rather than increasing the fear of a person in distress, saying that something in its attitude must be corrected. In my view, moving back should only be a last option. And I'm not talking about "rescue doses" which have always seemed a viable option in exceptional crises in order to break a vicious circle. I did it on three occasions during my own tapering whith the best results. But, moving backwards, starting all over again from a previous step, no way...). I wondered if a form of unspoken protocol has not been established in order to "play it safe".

 

Practically speaking, I started benzo withdrawal with the one that had been prescribed to me six months before starting my taper : Oxazepam. This is a very short half-life, probably the shortest existing. I was advised here (again, without a glimpse of an alternative) to change for a long half-life. I know the theory about this and want to emphasize that it seems valid, I will come back to it. But I would like to add a few thoughts I have not found on these forums and was not able to develop either in the course of tapering :

 

• A short half-life may be ingested four times daily. This allows (and allowed me) to compensate for the craving symptoms at least as well as a long half-life. In my experience, four takes a day have given me the liberty to occasionally shift a take at other times in the day, to offset some crises or delay a sedative effect because of special appointment etc. A single dose for a long half-life would not allow that. Moreover withdrawal symptoms are fellt quicker with the short half-life, whereas an error (excessive reduction for instance) will sometimes be perceived 10 days later with the longest benzos.

• A short half-life, particularly in the case of oxazepam, has the great merit of being less toxic than others. It quickly exits through the bladder (when with some other meds it travels through the liver for 200h!). Since our tapering commitment reflects a desire to not poison our system, the choice to stay with a short half-life as long as possible in the process, or even to choose a short half-life from the start with one’s doctor support, should to be an option. Tapering is a long process for people who come here seeking support. It is important to consider the stuff we ingest during the whole time.

• Transition from one molecule to another causes additional symptoms. We’re suffering enough to reflect on the real value of such a change.

• Staying longer with the molecule that I knew well (that my body recognizes) felt safer for me.

 

However, I crossed to the longer half-life (Valium /Diazepam) at 2mg Oxazepam (I started tapering at 20mg), close to the end, at the time some symptoms were more acute. The transition from one to the other was easier and faster than it would have been at the beginning (no gradual crossover was needed on such a small dose, it worked well without any step) and the softening provided by the long half-life was beneficial to me at the time I needed it most. I am not advocating that everyone make the choices I made, but I felt like sharing my experience on an option that, to my knowledge, has never been offered here. Everyone should of course consider what is most suitable to its feelings and needs.

 

I direct cut my tablets, using a pharmaceutical scale. I was strongly advised to use titration instead. I tried, yielding to pressure in a panic, but I failed (severe symptoms, I declined. But everyone has a different experience). In addition, the dissolution of a benzo in water seems very hazardous (it is a suspension indeed). Some even think that if the excipient dissolves well, the molecule itself will tend to float into pieces scattered in the solution and potentially form uneven doses. If you do not want to submit to the daily drudgery of the manual cut (sometimes unbearable when feeling bad), I believe that the liquid benzos (Prazepam, Diazepam,) are preferable (although propylene glycol and ethyldiéthyleneglycol that are part of the solution are no good). If, as I did, you take in the end, it is less of a factor. Anyway, a liquid benzo offers a real dilution and not a suspension.

 

A point regarding scales : those bought around € 20 on the Internet are not reliable (error margin of 0.2 mg, steady enough to be taken into account but does not provide a feeling of security). A reliable scale usually buys around € 1000 / $ 1100 / 810GBP for those who can afford it (error margin of 0.01 mg).

 

Reaching the 12th month of taper, I went through a difficult time. A kind of acute rebound of depression. Strangely enough (I never understood what happened), despite four messages over a short period, my cries for help found not a single  echo on the forum at that time. It was very hard. Those are forums vagaries and I do not blame anyone. In a rough way, it even forced me to be more independent and make my choice of not systematically asking for help here. But it confirmed the importance of not being dependent on the forum.

 

I encourage those who are still walking barefoot on this embers trail to persevere. The relief is down the road. Again, do not worry about the terrifying stories that you may read. You are unique, your destiny is unique. Progressions are not comparable. Trust yourself and move on. The word of caution about going slow is the most important given on the forums. But some people have demonstrated a certain ease to go faster. You'll find out quickly what is good for you, but you may try to start a bit higher than the conventional "10% of the current dose" recommended (I’ve often found for me that symptoms do not fluctuate because of the dose but other less understood and linear factors). Warning: I repeat that I believe in the necessity of slowness for many of us. The test that involves taking lower doses, around 5% is just as relevant. I‘m just emphasizing the value to experiment and be as confident as possible, since those are crucial aspects of personal and spiritual reconstruction to which we are called at the end of the ordeal.

 

I lived painful moments, and if you are still in this process, you will too. Panic, depression, multiple physical pains is the lot of most people while tapering (to different degrees). Even right after jumping, I do not guarantee I’m done with it. But I know we'll all get out and we’ll find our true "self" and body in a renewed vitality. This is what happens to anyone determined to go through (and even if, at times, we are feeling hopeless, of course).

 

It took me 21 months to get out of this quagmire. It seemed long enough to me, but it's rather short in a full life. I can say I learned a lot about myself and that 90% of the impact on my life and relationships is really positive. Nobody would sign to experience such an horror, even with the benefits I’m mentionning, but ultimately, it all makes sense (long concealed) for each of us.

I wish you courage, with all my heart. Our true life awaits us there, very close ...

 

Next post will be updated on my progress, about once a week.

 

Enzo

 

My gradation : Excellent – Good – Ok – Rough – Awful

 

Day 1 to 3 = Good, Day 4 = Rough, Day 5 = Good, Day 6 =Ok Day 7 =Ok

Day 8 = Good

 

Thank you for a beautifully written post and for providing helpful tips and information I hope it all goes well for you, and you continue to progress well 

 

 

Love Nova xxx  :smitten:

Thank you for a beautifully written post and for providing helpful tips and information I hope it all goes well for you, and you continue to progress well 

 

 

Love Nova xxx  :smitten:

 

I second that Enzo....well done and way to go.

Enzo,

 

Thanks for sharing your journey and reflections.  I share your concerns about how advice is sometimes conveyed.  People have very different experiences and there doesn't seem to be a one size fits all method for benzo withdrawal. 

 

 

Love the post... Wonderfully written!! 

 

I am looking so forward to the end of the journey

Yes, thank YOU Enzo!!

 

So happy for you and thank you from the bottom of my heart.

 

 

Thank you for a beautifully written post and for providing helpful tips and information I hope it all goes well for you, and you continue to progress well 

 

 

Love Nova xxx  :smitten:

 

I second that Enzo....well done and way to go.

 

I third that  :thumbsup: :thumbsup: Way to go!  Look at you! 

Great post. I know what you mean by people getting scary information when they first look for help. I found this site on the darkest morning of my life after three sleepless nights after quitting 20 years on klonopin almost cold turkey. I was reading posts that said I may feel side effects for years or longer.

 

After another four months of taper hell and another two months clean; I feel great. I know everyone is different but don't assume you are worst case.

Great post. I know what you mean by people getting scary information when they first look for help. I found this site on the darkest morning of my life after three sleepless nights after quitting 20 years on klonopin almost cold turkey. I was reading posts that said I may feel side effects for years or longer.

After another four months of taper hell and another two months clean; I feel great. I know everyone is different but don't assume you are worst case.

Yes, the worst case scenario develops easily in some conditions. The other point I was mentionning was about the "slow down"injunction that comes at odd times. I received an answer to a post yesterday that illustrates it (here http://www.benzobuddies.org/forum/index.php?topic=148338.0). I'm asking a very specific question about diet, and someone jumps in to tell me I'm going too fast ! I make the most difficult decision of my life with jumping, and someone finds it relevant (although I've been off for 10 days) to dump this injunction. Something shoudl be done about this. 

Great post. I know what you mean by people getting scary information when they first look for help. I found this site on the darkest morning of my life after three sleepless nights after quitting 20 years on klonopin almost cold turkey. I was reading posts that said I may feel side effects for years or longer.

After another four months of taper hell and another two months clean; I feel great. I know everyone is different but don't assume you are worst case.

Yes, the worst case scenario develops easily in some conditions. The other point I was mentionning was about the "slow down"injunction that comes at odd times. I received an answer to a post yesterday that illustrates it (here http://www.benzobuddies.org/forum/index.php?topic=148338.0). I'm asking a very specific question about diet, and someone jumps in to tell me I'm going too fast ! I make the most difficult decision of my life with jumping, and someone finds it relevant (although I've been off for 10 days) to dump this injunction. Something shoudl be done about this. 

 

tHi Enzo  I believe what Shania means is change of diet, suddenly doing a lot more than you were able etc can cause symptoms too erupt trying to hard to early on and its best be gentle with your self and ease changes slowly rather than too quickly when your feeling okay And its good advice overall as we ALL tend to push ourselves way too hard on a not so bad day causing flare up of symptoms. I have done it many times along with nearly all of BB, but now I err on the side of caution lesson learned

 

I still do what I can on days I feel able to do a bit more than just survive and breathe, but don't go pushing myself too hard trying to do stuff I've not been able to for a while all in one crazy day laying myself up again. It does actually look as if your saying in that post your now only just doing juicing which I use to do but had to stop as it made a lot of my symptoms rev up instantly.

 

But now I read it again it seems you maybe saying it was part of your life style  anyway before withdrawal, am I right? But anyway I believe that there was a misunderstanding with Shania's reply to you as its not a reference to your jump and just a suggestion of a possibility in answer to your question not a definite. 

 

 

Love Nova xxx :smitten:

Great post. I know what you mean by people getting scary information when they first look for help. I found this site on the darkest morning of my life after three sleepless nights after quitting 20 years on klonopin almost cold turkey. I was reading posts that said I may feel side effects for years or longer.

After another four months of taper hell and another two months clean; I feel great. I know everyone is different but don't assume you are worst case.

Yes, the worst case scenario develops easily in some conditions. The other point I was mentionning was about the "slow down"injunction that comes at odd times. I received an answer to a post yesterday that illustrates it (here http://www.benzobuddies.org/forum/index.php?topic=148338.0). I'm asking a very specific question about diet, and someone jumps in to tell me I'm going too fast ! I make the most difficult decision of my life with jumping, and someone finds it relevant (although I've been off for 10 days) to dump this injunction. Something shoudl be done about this. 

 

tHi Enzo  I believe what Shania means is change of diet, suddenly doing a lot more than you were able etc can cause symptoms too erupt trying to hard to early on and its best be gentle with your self and ease changes slowly rather than too quickly when your feeling okay And its good advice overall as we ALL tend to push ourselves way too hard on a not so bad day causing flare up of symptoms. I have done it many times along with nearly all of BB, but now I err on the side of caution lesson learned

 

I still do what I can on days I feel able to do a bit more than just survive and breathe, but don't go pushing myself too hard trying to do stuff I've not been able to for a while all in one crazy day laying myself up again. It does actually look as if your saying in that post your now only just doing juicing which I use to do but had to stop as it made a lot of my symptoms rev up instantly.

 

But now I read it again it seems you maybe saying it was part of your life style  anyway before withdrawal, am I right? But anyway I believe that there was a misunderstanding with Shania's reply to you as its not a reference to your jump and just a suggestion of a possibility in answer to your question not a definite. 

 

Love Nova xxx :smitten:

Well, thank you for the insight, Nova. If it's a misinterpreation of her advice, my comment above is no good. I must definitely be concentrated (and somewhat paranoïd) about the "injunction threat"  I appreciate the softness and inspiration of you comments Nova, by the way. About the vegetable juice, no, it was not part of my diet before. I started it in the last weeks of my taper (probably one reason for some pretty difficult days). I may want to finally "slow down" on juicing ! "Yesterday I could barely do more than just survive". This quote from your post, in a strange way, makes me feel less lonely today. 

The journey after jumping day is still rough, although not all the time. I'm still able to walk, talk, think and enjoy a few things here and there during the day. This is not nothing. Of course, waking up is still a hard time and I wish all those who have been through this would be around my bed like angels to confort me. Bouts of depression come and go. When they come it is still the "end of the world". When I wipe up my tears, I'm connecting again to the loved ones and to the world. I'm pretty much a recluse these days. Fatigue is stronger. It seems the shock of constant cut and hold was giving me some energy that I'm' lacking these days. I was meditating an hour ago and this thought came to me "If that's all I have to live, it is still living, and better than dying. If there is nothing after this life here, then it is best to live this at least rather than nothing at all. If there is something after this life, well, it may be then that I chose to go through this for some purpose. I should then endure it. Whatever the way I look at it, I live life the way it is possible for me to live it". Anyway... good thoughts to everyone. Enzo.