Did anyone underestimate the challenges of being off....I did!

This is an interesting thread for those who aren't afraid to tell the truth regarding the challenges of being off.

 

I spent 3 years and 8 months tapering off equivalent 27.5mg of Valium. I tried every tapering method there was and finally got to zero. I'm proud that I did a sensible taper and that should help the healing process.

 

I knew there would be an acute time and some days , weeks, months of healing but I definitely underestimated  the challenges of being off.

 

For me being off is totally different than tapering. I have good breaks and some long periods of crappiness but for some reason it feels "worse" or at least "different" than when tapering. Being off is better than on, all day long, but I must admit, I figured I would somehow circumvent the healing process and start to feel "myself" again fairly soon.

 

If you thought that the end of tapering meant the end of suffering share your feelings here.

 

etown

 

Now I find myself hunkering down for the long healing process however long that might be.

Yeah I thought it would be easier by tapering.  But to be honest all hell broke loose a few days after I was completely off.  But my taper was relatively fast.

 

Hey E!

 

It definitely feels different for me to be off.

I don't feel worse than when I was tapering. Fortunately.

And in fact, I even expected to feel really bad for the last two months but other than a couple of days with feeling really bad ( mostly anxiety and heart racing stuff which made me think " this is it, now it's acute starting ) I can't complain .

 

I guess that's my truth about being off and I feel very lucky. It's not been like this through most of my taper, that's for sure,

 

I don't know what's going to come. But I take it by day and when the day is alright, I'm happy.

 

I do have to say I'm not myself yet. Not what it was, that's for sure.

I still don't drive highways and the mornings MUST be calm or it can set me off in feeling lightheaded.

Which will then linger.

So I have to be very careful. I feel that.

 

I'm still pretty much want to be alone a lot. I feel I'm still cocooning and not wanting to socialize , although I do on real good days. Had dinner with someone a few days back in a town about half an hour away. And I can have my coffee at the coffeehouse again and not flee home.

Stuff like that.

It's not normal yet as it was. But absolutely better than any day during my taper, most of the time.

 

I'm sorry you feel like it worse. I wish you nothing but speedy healing. You definitely deserve it.

Many hugs.

 

etown, I was told (on another benzo forum) that I should feel better by 4 months off. My sister told me I ought to feel better at 11 days off. I kept thinking that I should be turning a corner for the better at some point "soon."

 

Being off is, by a very long shot, a lot better than being on was, but I didn't understand what I was up against because I had nothing to compare it to. I just had to keep going no matter what.

I actually thought this side was going to go much more difficult, but again I am only 4 months out 

Probably has a lot to do with your own definition of "normal". For me I worked through my taper with only a handful of days off. I ran my business which is about 20 additional hours per week. I went on 5 vacations to the Caribbean. I have 4 grown up children and their spouses and 8 grandkids so all family functions at our place included me. etc etc

 

Now I'm off and all the above still continues. I'm doing everything a "normal" person would do but not feeling good enough to really enjoy these times.

 

I think I need to accept and be grateful for what I have been able to accomplish.

 

Me? always wanting something more Nah!

 

etown

Good topic. Answer: Yes, very much so. My 8-month taper was relatively symptom free so I thought I was close to healed when I jumped. It was a shock to find myself back in benzo withdrawal hell, which is where I am in the month since jumping. I kept blaming myself - "what did I do wrong?". And I sank into a depression realizing I still have a lot of healing ahead.

 

So, I've been re-adjusting my thinking. I'm reading/re-reading all the info here and elsewhere about the benzo recovery process. I'm realizing an acute withdrawal phase is common after jumping. I can expect to be in this phase for up to 3 months. It seems for most people  it takes a total of 6-18 months *after* being benzo free to completely heal. So I have a long-ish road ahead.

 

I'm wondering how I missed this from all the reading I did back in March/April when I started my taper. How did I foolishly think I could do an 8-month taper and be done? I mean, I'm a smart guy, or was at one time. :-(. How was I so mistaken about the timeline? I think the answer is, I've been in denial. Waking up from the denial now. Trying to deal with it, with the help of you folks.

 

All my love,

Chessplayer

I remember the last 6 months of my taper were the absolute pits of hell on earth. Just brutal. Constant suicidal ideation among lots of other stuff. Most of the mental stuff is gone for me, but the physical stuff is progressively getting worse actually at 17 months out. This gives me a lot of doubt that I'm healing. So yes, I underestimated the length of time it would take.

Thanks everyone. I think the list will grow.

etown

For me, post taper has been easier but I am I no way recovered. I never got hit with acute sx after my taper ended, but atill have irrational fears that it's right around the corner. My anxiety is fairly quiet most days but many physical sx still plague me on a daily basis. At 4 months out from 22 month taper I feel like I did the best I could. I'm currently taking one day at a time. I'm having about 3-4 effortless days, with very mild sx, a month. This is going to be a long road but there is no turning back.

 

I'm looking forward to reading how other members are faring on this side of the fence.

For me, post taper has been easier but I am I no way recovered. I never got hit with acute sx after my taper ended, but atill have irrational fears that it's right around the corner. My anxiety is fairly quiet most days but many physical sx still plague me on a daily basis. At 4 months out from 22 month taper I feel like I did the best I could. I'm currently taking one day at a time. I'm having about 3-4 effortless days, with very mild sx, a month. This is going to be a long road but there is no turning back.

 

I'm looking forward to reading how other members are faring on this side of the fence.

Same here,Kiddo: I keep thinking that IT will hit me any time now. So  I try to take it one day at a time and hope for the best. Just like you.

Hey...maybe it won't happen...

 

 

Fingers crossed, Mooski 

I didn't have any pre-conceived ideas about what it would be like, because basically I had no idea what it would be like, and I couldn't compare myself to anyone else, because we all react so differently.

 

After I finished my taper, my first 6 months were up and down, but after that everything seemed to smooth out for the next 6 months or so. However, over the last 3-4 months I've been experiencing some on-off sleep issues again, which I can't find any clear-cut or logical explanation for. I have also recently read that you can still experience some symptoms up to 2 years later. So I can only come to the conclusion that I may still be experiencing some symptoms of healing. This could be purely based on one's sensitivity to benzos. I'm fully convinced I am super-sensitive because it took me 22 months to taper off just 5mg of valium, so this may need to be taken into account as to how the whole healing process affects me.

 

Up until now I haven't said anything about what I've been experiencing on BB because I didn't want anyone to feel disappointed that they also may still be suffering symptoms this far out, (I'm almost at 18 months off), but I've decided it's better to be honest than evasive. After all, it is just healing, and my life is definitely 100% better than it was when I was tapering. Like I keep saying, it just takes time.

I didn't have any pre-conceived ideas about what it would be like, because basically I had no idea what it would be like, and I couldn't compare myself to anyone else, because we all react so differently.

 

After I finished my taper, my first 6 months were up and down, but after that everything seemed to smooth out for the next 6 months or so. However, over the last 3-4 months I've been experiencing some on-off sleep issues again, which I can't find any clear-cut or logical explanation for. I have also recently read that you can still experience some symptoms up to 2 years later. So I can only come to the conclusion that I may still be experiencing some symptoms of healing. This could be purely based on one's sensitivity to benzos. I'm fully convinced I am super-sensitive because it took me 22 months to taper off just 5mg of valium, so this may need to be taken into account as to how the whole healing process affects me.

 

Up until now I haven't said anything about what I've been experiencing on BB because I didn't want anyone to feel disappointed that they also may still be suffering symptoms this far out, (I'm almost at 18 months off), but I've decided it's better to be honest than evasive. After all, it is just healing, and my life is definitely 100% better than it was when I was tapering. Like I keep saying, it just takes time.

 

You have no idea how much I respect you for being open and transparent R. It further validates our friendship and the honest to goodness challenges of post withdrawal recovery and healing.

etown

I knew that it was going to be tough after jumping but I had no idea of the intensity of it and especially I still can't get over the amount of time it takes and the severity of the messed up automatic negative thoughts that come with the overwhelming physical symptoms.

But if I ever get through this I can't even imagine how sweet life would be and how much gratitude I would have.

I do believe its possible but the only way is through.

"Feelings can't kill you, but killing your feelings can"

Hmmmm I'll jump in here I see a lot of familiar names  congrats on your jump E 

 

I didn't have any idea what to expect post jump to be honest other than it was going to probably be a long hard slog given my history and it's proved to be that many times over, lol...I think most everyone here has higher expectations than the reality of the recovery timeframe myself included   

 

I've been doing the long look back...I see myself undeniably making slow and steady progress but it seems pretty glacial at best. At nearly 18 months off I'm functioning at a rather high level these days although I'm quite symptomatic. I don't know how to characterize this anymore ...I've never experienced the window wave pattern...just more of the same but the intensity level changes so dramatically for me from day to day sometimes from hour to hour...dunno ...All I know is I'm hitting the stage where I'm hoping to see some true healing based on reading the posts from everyone ahead of me

 

One day at a time everyone 

 

 

 

 

I'm almost 6 months post taper after a 4 year taper and I have to say that I'm doing pretty good. After 17 years in benzos and at high amounts it does take some adjustments to function in the real world.

 

Actually, I'm doing better than I expected, but then again I'm only 6 months post. Keeping my fingers crossed.

 

Rg

Unfortunately as I was nearing the end of my taper and the beginning of being off I had a lot of traumatic events and losses happen in my close family. I don't know how I still tapered and got off because these events were heart breaking.

 

Anyhow during all this my brain was healing, and I didn't have any symptoms worse than my regular tapering symptoms and when they happened they didn't last as long as when tapering. I think the reason I had symptoms flair up was the stress of the events.

 

So I don't believe that once you are off it is over, but in my experience it has been no where near my tapering symptoms. I tapered very slowly and daily.

 

I expect to take about a year to get rid of most. But I am so happy to be off and not have to worry about acute, the doctor and those awful little pills anymore. My life is changing little by little I feel better.

 

 

 

 

I have to ditto what Wondernova said.  I knew it would be difficult but I never thought it would last this long.  The physical stuff is the worst part now.

 

Sweet pea

 

I have to ditto what Wondernova said.  I knew it would be difficult but I never thought it would last this long.  The physical stuff is the worst part now.

 

Sweet pea

 

no kidding

etown

Ditto the physical for me too.

I sure did underestimate the challenges of being off Klonopin after 20 years!!! AND, no one could explain anything useful to me. It has been beyond nerve wracking. I have had wonderful support from my family, primary doc and counsellors which I appreciate greatly. No information on the wd process, though, especially after symptoms revved up in month 4-5-6. I am coming to the end of six months, and I still burn like I am in Dante's Inferno.

 

I read the Ashton Manual last fall and thought I could get off Klonopin without too much difficulty...after all, I had whittled down to .5mg from 4mg+ over a two year period. I never made it to zero K! I was using a water taper to get off this final .5mg. Once I went back up to .5mg and once back up to .25mg.  My symptoms became so severe that I jumped at .22 mg K a few weeks after I finally tapered off gabapentin (another shocking experience!). It was a real mess. The acute wd was severe with unworldly anxiety, fear and agitation. Then in months 4-6, my symptoms revved up. Several times I actually thought I would have to take something, even K,  just to keep from going crazy. Most of the time now I know I will get through this. My symptoms continually morph into something else that is similar but different from previous symptoms. Like everyone else, I am ready for this to be over. Best,

pentas

I sure did underestimate the challenges of being off Klonopin after 20 years!!! AND, no one could explain anything useful to me. It has been beyond nerve wracking. I have had wonderful support from my family, primary doc and counsellors which I appreciate greatly. No information on the wd process, though, especially after symptoms revved up in month 4-5-6. I am coming to the end of six months, and I still burn like I am in Dante's Inferno.

 

I read the Ashton Manual last fall and thought I could get off Klonopin without too much difficulty...after all, I had whittled down to .5mg from 4mg+ over a two year period. I never made it to zero K! I was using a water taper to get off this final .5mg. Once I went back up to .5mg and once back up to .25mg.  My symptoms became so severe that I jumped at .22 mg K a few weeks after I finally tapered off gabapentin (another shocking experience!). It was a real mess. The acute wd was severe with unworldly anxiety, fear and agitation. Then in months 4-6, my symptoms revved up. Several times I actually thought I would have to take something, even K,  just to keep from going crazy. Most of the time now I know I will get through this. My symptoms continually morph into something else that is similar but different from previous symptoms. Like everyone else, I am ready for this to be over. Best,

pentas

 

K too for over 20 years. Its a bad one, however, I don't think there is any such thing as a "good" Benzo lol

etown

Yes, I absolutely underestimated the challenges of being off of K!  The reason I went off was because I started to have unexplained panic attacks and some depression and I counselor I saw brought the Klonopin use to my attention.  That was the first I had heard that K was bad for me (believe it or not).  So, I thought, huh, that's easy, I'll just get off the K and the anxiety and depression will go away.  NOT!  I've never experienced the kind of anxiety and depression as I have since I got off of K.  Don't know if it would have made much of a difference had I known but perhaps I could have been more prepared.  I'm still in shock as to how hard this is!!!!  I thought going off was supposed to fix my anxiety and depression, but exacerbate them!  I know though that this happened for a reason and that I will be glad once this is over with and know that I did the right thing.  Just waiting for this to be over with!

Dear Etown and friends,

  So many familiar names....grateful we are meeting on the other side to share notes. Thanks for the thread E.

 

  I see small signs of healing at 5 months off after a 38 month taper from 1.5 mg Xanax and 5 mg Valium. I had hoped it would be easier once I took the final miniscule dose. It is a pleasure not to measure and mess with dosing....should I hold, should I cut? I am thankful for that...but I am surprised how challenging it has been...especially after a long reasonable taper.

 

  I have both mental and physical symptoms which are present daily (Saga, the irritability??? oh my gosh!)  I have never had a symptom free day...just varying degrees of the dozens of maladies so common to us all. Some days I am quite functional and others not. I naively thought it would be different....that I would slide into post dosing life with few rough days....ouch, was I ever wrong!

 

  Thank you for sharing. Simply knowing I am not alone in this is helpful. My good friend who is just a week ahead of me tells me we must live with an attitude of "reduced expectations". I work to apply that each day....just do what I can and forgive the rest.

 

  Love to all,

 

Carita