What has worked for me (and still does) 3 and a half years after jumping off

I haven't been on benzobuddies since January 2014, I didn't even know whether my account would still be active and I've had to do a deep search in my gmail folders to find my username, I couldn't even remember. But this morning, after all this time, I felt drawn to write this post, in the hope it can help at least one person.

 

To briefly summarize I took 5mg of lorazepam every night for 8 years, as well as 10 mg of diazepam a day for the same period of time. After only 6 months of tapering (later I realized it was much too fast), I jumped off in June 2012. I thought my taper had been tough but I couldn't anticipate the hell on earth I experienced after jumping off.

 

Benzobuddies became one of my many sources of information and support, and although I never wrote much, I found support in reading others' experiences. I went through severe health problems and I even feared for my life at one point when I felt this  was so unbearable I couldn't stand living like that for one more minute. I had many many ailments, I felt like I had suddenly become an old and very sick person and that my life was ending. Now I know that wasn't true, my whole body was simply starting to reorganize all the incredible mess that 8 years of those drugs had caused, that was all. And that reorganization takes time, and in the beginning it can be REALLY messy.

 

Amongst my many problems my worst were the constant repetitive dark thoughts that seemed out of control; my sudden stomach problems that would make my stomach swell like a balloon regardless of what I ate and make me feel like I couldn't breathe; and my worst burden: my terrible insomnia.

 

I tried I think every single supplement I read about. None of them worked for me and even made things much worse. I freaked out on almost any supplement and many types of food would also make me go crazy for days or weeks. My life seemed like hell and I couldn't see the end of this incredibly dark tunnel. I was also very much alone like most of us going through this, in that my friends or my doctor or family would not understand why was I feeling so ill just because of having quit some medication. Doctors were incredibly ignorant about benzodiazepine withdrawal (I live in London, UK) and like many of you I had to endure the skeptical looks and behaviour of many doctors. I spent a lot of money in doctors, threapists and many many supplements, none of them ever helped me unfortunately.

 

My persistent insomnia was I think possibly the worst withdrawal symptom, because as everybody knows a human being needs a minimum x hours of sound restful sleep to be able to function and cope, and I wasn't getting any, and for many months. I slept 0 hours during the first 6 to 7 months and I thought I was going insane. I would lay there restless, with my mind going on and on and on with the most strange and dark and sometimes terrifying thoughts running through my mind, feeling as if I was unable to control them at all. I would feel my whole body vibrate (yes, vibrate) for hours, my heart pounding like a hammer, my sweat drenching my sheets then feeling cold and freezing all of a sudden. I would scream holding a cushion against my mouth in complete desperation, I would kneel on the floor asking for help because I wanted to end it all.

 

I think it was around the end of 2012 that I had it certain in my mind I was going to die, because I couldn't see an end to my agony. So one day for some reason I began reading spiritual books that somehow appeared in my way, and when I say reading what I really mean is I found the books and felt drawn to them and tried to read them but for me reading was impossible because my relentless active mind would not allow me to keep my concentration in a whole sentence. So what I did was I got the audiobook version of those books and began to play them all day and all night, and they began to help me somehow. I found a lot of relief in Eckhart Tolle and others, and one day in 2013 I decided to learn to meditate, in my case I learnt the Transcendental Meditation technique which is so simple it uses a mantra that's all. But you can meditate in millions of ways, all of them can be right. The Body Scanning meditation is fantastic as well.

 

But the one thing that did make a difference in my sleep and the reason why I decided to write this today is a combination of supplements that I began to take sometime in 2013 I believe. I found this combination of supplements recommended by someone in a long thread at another benzo withdrawal forum, the person who recomended it seemed very knowledgeable and I remember I decided to give it a shot, since I had tried so many supplements already that had done nothing. I tried it and it was the first supplementation that gave me a little bit of a relief. I fact, thanks to taking these supplements I began to have a little bit of sleep and not feel so anxious and always on the edge.

 

The supplements are Magnesium Malate, a total of about 1000 mg of Magnesium a day which means you have to take 7 tablets a day (I took 1 in the morning, 2 in the afternoon and the remaining 4 in the evening, around 2 hours before I intended to go to sleep). The second supplement is Relora, 3 a day, I take 1 in the afternoon and 2 with the magnesium in the evening. And the last one is Bacopa Monnieri, of which I take only 1 capsule at night together with the magnesium and relora. The brands that I've been using have been Source Naturals for both the Magnesium Malate and the Relora, and AOR Bacopa Enlighten for the Bacopa Monnieri. I used to take Thorne Bacopa in the beginning, but unfortunately it was discontinued and I had to find another one. I'm sure other brands of these 3 supplements will work perfectly or even better for other people, these are the ones that have worked best for me but everyone is different and things can work differently for others of course.

 

Another supplement that I would also use sometimes in the beginning of taking these 3 supplements, at the same time as I took my nightly dose of them, was Oregon's Wild Harvest Skullcap, 3 capsules. It would help me fall asleep in my most desperate sleepless nights. I still use it every now and then these days, when the Mag Malate + Relora + Bacopa are not enough.

 

I remember I also used both Dyphenhydramine and Doxylamine Succinate during my worst nights, always separated from each other, never together, and never more than the recommended dose, and never more than 2 or 3 nights a week because they soon stop working if you take them for several days in a row. These would also help me eventually fall asleep, although I never liked the type of sleep I got, but it was better than nothing when things were very desperate.

 

The reason I decided to post this today is that about four months ago I decided I was going to try to stop taking these 3 supplements for a while to see how I felt. I decided I'd only take magnesium, a different kind of magnesium and less dose, and that would be it. Well what happened was that around the second month I began having sleepless  nights again and started feeling much more stressed out by daily events, but surprisingly enough I never made the connection until last week, when I suddenly remembered I hadn't been taking my 3 usual supplements for months. I bought them again just to try and see if it made any difference and after three days I have to say that yes the difference is huge.

 

I have slept much better and felt much calmer. Now after 3 and a half years of being benzo free this has been a bit surprising to me but I do not mind. After all I did take a high dose of lorazepam for a long time (8 years) as well as diazepam, and clearly my body needs more time for full recovery. Of course I would prefer I didn't need to still be taking certain supplements to help me relax and sleep, or that I didn't have to be careful with what I eat or if I drink or not, because I still get affected by those things. And I wish my stomach problems were a thing of the past too (they're still here but slowly recovering). But that time will come, in whatever amount of years, I don't care. The thing that matters to me is that I have recovered for the most part and that I've been living a very normal life for the past almost 2 years, and things are only getting better all the time.

 

What we cannot see in the beginning of this benzo withdrawal journey is that all the suffering that we are experiencing is our bodies starting to fix everything, and that looks (and feels) like a real mess, especially in the beginning. And the bigger the damage done it is likely the longer the body will need to completely recover. But focus on the fact that our bodies are programmed for recovery, for fixing everything, and we need to understand this and connect to our bodies and believe in them and support them, and give them a chance to do their job, and not think that things are not working, because the fact is they are, no matter what appearances seem to be telling us.

 

I apologize for the long post, but I hope it will be helpful to someone perhaps. I will check in here for a week or so, in case anyone wants to ask anything,  then I will leave forever. One last thing I found very helpful was to decide at one point (for me it was in January 2014) to completely unattach myself from Benzobuddies and from looking at anything benzo related on the internet or anywhere else. Basically to stop thinking of myself as someone who was going through benzo recovery and just start thinking other things and get busy with my own life. That helped me a lot.

 

I wish you all the best and send you all much much love. It will all get better even if right now it doesn't look like it, and it will completely heal for sure.

 

Love to you all. 

 

 

Thank you for this post, rachel!  So glad to see you're doing well. 

 

Be well, enjoy life!

Challis 

Thank you for this update.  So very glad you're doing well and recovered.  I do take supplements and may try a few of these for sleep.

 

Best Regards,

Guida

Thank you so much for your write-up. This site can be overwhelming with its content, so I tend to keep to the forum which most affects me - insomnia. I too have tried more supplements than I can count. I will try these as well.

Rachel,  Thank you foe writing.  Inspiring.  Insomnia is my remaining issue.  I will try the supplements you mentioned.  Best to you!

 

Thanks everyone for your kind replies and good wishes, much love to you all!  :smitten: