reinstating

I've lived in unimaginable hell.. complete torture and gave birth in horrific condition.  I almost died from adverse reactions to ssris. It's been 21 months off all drugs. I am still in complete acute hell 24 7 365. I desperately need to be a mommy. I desperately need to feel relaxed and at peace in my own body and mind.  So msny thungs have finally left. However I'm down to 119 pounds, I'm hysterical all day and night, never sleep, can't eat, the list of symproms are unimaginable this far out. I am in complete survival mode. I can't focus on anything. I've missed my son's whole LIFE !!!    Would I be asking fjr trouble to try to reinstate to see if it could calm my cns down.  I don't know if I still have akathesia, I just don't know but I'm in Hell and looking fjr advice. My husband has had it... I'm so so so scared and just don't know what to do! I feel like my body is gonna blow to pieces..I'm so revved up 24 7..I'm cry when my husband looks relaxed ... I cry when my son is sleepy ... it's a torture noone can endure passed 21 months. I've begged my psych to help me. She told me I need a psych eval! She has refused more meds!  I feel toxic poison running theough my veins, burning acid my hair is falling oit in clumps.  I'm holding on to life by my finger nails. All my real life support is gone.  I don't know what to do. I'm losing it completely!

Traumatized, this sounds brutal and I'm sorry you're suffering like this. I think it would be worth trying counseling with a good provider. If they weren't benzo-wise but open to learning it can still work. A counselor can help you process all of this, make decisions and develop a tool box for this trauma. I was a mess for the beginning of my kid's lives too and it was super hard. It was for a different reason but I missed so much so I feel your pain. Please get the support you need.

It is brutal .. I don't know what to do.

Hi, traumatized.

 

I know you've been struggling with akathisia for quite some time now, and my heart goes out to you because I know how difficult akathisia is.

 

From your signature, it looks like you tried to reinstate Lexapro before and it didn't work. What dose did you reinstate at? From everything I've read and from my own reinstatement experiences, once your CNS is destabilized from previous withdrawals (from either benzos or SSRIs), you can become hyper sensitive to even the smallest doses.

 

And the same can be true of benzos, which may be why reinstatements don't always work - the CNS is simply too fragile.

 

This is a hard call and I wish you weren't in this position, but if you do reinstate, try going on an extremely low dose.

 

Can you tell if it was the benzos or if it was the SSRIs that caused the worse akathisia?

I was the ssri and then the physical hell came after ct wd feom benzo. Does this go away?? I'm so scared ..so so so scared. .. I can't endure thjs anymore and the drugs almost killed me!  I don't know what to do!!!!!!!!!  My body won't relax!  The mental torture is 90 percent gone ... omg!  If I'm stuck like this ....

You write that the mental torture is 90% gone - that means you're seeing improvements.

 

Have you seen any improvements in any of the other symptoms you had more than a year ago? Here is a list you made in Oct 2014 - http://www.benzobuddies.org/forum/index.php?topic=52054.msg1551005#msg1551005

All but the burning amd hissing brain are gone. However it'd been replaced with

 

Body exploding woth adrenaline

Acid pouring through my veins- it actually hurts so bad and I scream in torture

Electric storms in my brain like seizures .. swirling electric

Toxic poison sick feeling through my body (like rat poison)

Chest and head pumped so full of adrenaline they could explode- causes me to be very agitated and restless!!!

My body won't relax!!!!

Other thungs came on so bad I thought I would die but they are gone.

I don't know what to believe. These symtoms came on AFTER 9 months off!!!!  I took augmentin and nkt sure if that set me up for perm damage or what. I'm in really bad shape. I've seen every doctor possible including my psych. Noone will help.

 

I thought once the terror through my body, the terror of my mind, the need to escape and run down the street screaming, the evil in soul ect ect was gone that I could live.. however thjs all started.  I'm so scared. I don't know how to keep fighting everyday. There is no destraction.  I'm literally carrying hell in my body anf it hurts so bad!y face is purple today from the adrenaline and Burning. I know noone can help me. I don't know why I'm even writing. I guess I just want hope.  I'm scared I have perm damage from what these doctors did to me with these drugs!!! My beautiful little boy didn't deserve this either! 

I don't know if having him set me up for all these symptoms because of hormone changes .. I just don't know..  I'm really sick and can't rest ... my body is stiff as a bored. I have electricity through it although nkt near as bad as it was.  I can't even put into the words the entail torture I had.. nothing will ever be able to explain it. However, that is pretty much gone. I still cry hysterically everyday ... I can't escape this.  I'm in so much pain. It's like a monster is,try to escape my muscles and nerves ....nothing relieves my hell.  TIME  is not on my side anymore.  I'm nkt even sure what drugs could possibly help this... I have given it such a hard fight... I have no fight left... however my body won't relax to die.

 

Hopefully you are going through a really bad wave and it will end.  I once read somewhere that when you have a wave, you have to think that this is your last wave before you heal.  Try to remember that and just get through the day.  You never know what tomorrow will bring.  Please try to have hope.  I do not think you should reinstate.  I think you should hang in there.  Tomorrow could bring great things for you.

Hi, Traumatized.

 

You have been horribly polydrugged and from reading your posts, it sounds like you were medication sensitive from day one. Even supplements have caused waves, so you've wisely stayed away from them, as well as not taking other meds that have been thrown your way.

 

The fact that some symptoms are leaving and some are new even months after coming off is not unusual. This is an article written by a buddy named Parker and it explains these symptoms and the non-linear recovery - What is happening in your brain?

 

If your husband hasn't read it, perhaps print it out for him. I know this is extremely difficult and is taking you away from your most important job of all - being a mother, but you're doing everything right by getting off these drugs and giving yourself time to heal.

 

And it may take awhile. Coming off of polypharmacy is much different than simply coming off of benzos. Serotonin, dopamine,  norepinephrine, the adrenals, etc. are all affected along with your entire CNS.

 

So for those of us who were polydrugged, misdiagnosed, and made much worse by adding on more and more drugs, it does take longer for us to heal.

 

I know you've had doctors in the past tell you this was psychosomatic and that angers me a great deal because it's simply not true and shows how little doctors now about these drugs.

 

The damage is real but we are still healing. 

Yes I took ssris woth little to no problem fkr several years. I would ct and then go bsck on woth no issue. Then I attempted to reinstate after a 3 week use of ativan that made me suicidal and more anxious. That is when all hell broke loose. I thought I went insane. Doctors told me I was basically. I was poly drugged to near death for 14 months.  The symptoms I endured can't even be put into words. I wad begging for help!!!!!  I found out I was pregnant with my son and was ct feom a very high dose of xanax and paxil. However I was so paradoxical to it I didn't think it would matter. I wad wrong! I was told the wd would last 6 months and to hold on tight. I had over 150 sx!!!!!!!!!  I waited 4 minths abd was out of my mind and body. I put kyawkf into another paych hospital and given 2 more drugs.... i flupped out. ky brain cpuldnt handle it!!!  I csme come to wait until i gave birth abd ebd my life. I gave birth in ct wd of hell! And something kept me holding on... for him..fjr my little boy. But thungs got worse after that and not better. I have no idea how I'm still alive, what's to come and how much longer I csn endure this hell!  I am curled in a ball on my couch wailing.  I don't want to believe the doctors but I don't know how to keep going.  My angel baby needs me and I think this is perm. I don't think it will end and even if it might..  how can a human endure acute torture linger thsn 2 years?  I'm the WORSE case I've ever seen...EVER!!

You have come a very long way 22-months is a gigantic enormous piece of work accomplished.

I am drug sensitive too and drugs have never helped for more than a few hours, the second they wear

off I experience the strange inner agony you describe. My akathasia was the mental and physical type.

I have two very mild disorders that usually are not treated with medication. I have developed dependency

on benzos four times and they are not worth it. Instant relief followed by profound agony.

Once I took zero alcohol and zero benzos for six years and I was doing quite well.

When I took a .5 Xanax I experienced profound euphoria and contentment for 4-5 hours.

By bedtime I was tense and irritable, when I woke up the next day I had inner vibration-trembles and the shakes.

The depersonalization was mild but persistent for two weeks.

 

If I stay away from drugs I eventually feel mostly alright, if I take them I get an allergic reaction.

im the worst case ive wver seen too

plesse help me.

Boymom: to be polite, please realize these posts are from years ago and the original person who posted this thread could actually be doing ok now. I'm sorry you are suffering.

Oh my goodness I wish I hadn't read this,

 

I can see it's an old thread, and I do hope that the young woman has now gone on to get  better

 

I know that I could take SSRI's in the past without a problem, but once given valium and on it for any length of time, then  the same drug sent me into terror and I still live there,

 

I worry about the damage done, and fear that maybe this is the cause of my inner akathisia, and adrenalin charged feeling that I live in all day from very early morning onward,

 

I can only hope and pray that things settle down with time as there is no other treatment that I know of

 

My head is full of hissing and buzzing and booming, my hands feel like ice yet they are not that cold,

 

So much damage, that I deeply regret and hope it doesn't take years on end , having to endure  this in order to maybe gain my life  back and all because I had anxiety, and took the prescribed medication 

 

Most disturbing,

 

Jen

 

 

I thought OP was a current post too boymom.  Was about to post to offer encouragement.  But now see you there. 

 

It is utter torture for many of us boymom.  Often I felt as if to die.  Wanted to die.  I held the line though, and now at 15.5 months am beginning to reap the rewards of this long Hell filled march.  First real window over last 3 days and it is magnificent.  I hope it lasts.  If not, too bad, onwards we push. 

 

None of us kid you when we say we know the suffering.  Cruel and unforgiving mongrel that it is. OMG how did I survive.  We are strong!  Think sometimes I was so crazy I did not know otherwise. 

 

You are not the worst case ever.  Respect to you.   Many of us think this as it is so horrible.  Disgusting.  Mean and evil, heartless.  I have no words to describe adequately.  Just like you.

 

Hang in there girl.  You will get there this way.  It is creepy disgusting terrifying withdrawal.  And it does get better in time.  Honest. 

 

I had terrible time with a/d's too Jen.  Finished up with Serotonin Syndrome TWICE!  Faque!  Eyes popped out of my head and had to resist a compelling urge to destroy myself.  Man, that was a close call.  Even my psychiatrist said not to take them any longer.  So glad I hung in.  Hang in too you guys. 

 

Dee

 

Thank you for your words  Dee

 

Oh am I one shivering adrenalin/cortisol filled wreck this morning,

 

Got to get a grip on this somehow, .

 

This is all a chemical reaction, It is not the calm normal me I used to be, but hey , you have that wonderful window so it can reverse back, even for oldies,

 

You stuck it out all this time, that takes some doing and through your posts I read you never regretted stopping valium , and nor do I.

 

I just regret taking it and the other things they tried that did a thorough  job of messing with my brain .

 

Time takes for ever when like this, but  how great it must feel now Dee.

 

Longing for that window too .

 

Great to read they do exist ,

 

 

Jen

 

 

The OP has now healed. Look up “BrighterDays”, she’s fully better.

That is so awesome!!! I am so happy to hear that.

Thank you Tweed for the update on the OP and that they are recovered!

 

This is why its best not to resurrect really old threads, as so much can change in two years. Always better to start your own thread or stay with more recent ones:)

Glad Tweed has posted that she is now Ok.

 

I was about to do the same.

 

It took her 6 years in total & some of it was from breast implants leaking.

No, just what she said on here. I think she mentioned breast implants in success story.

Thrilled to hear OP has now fully recovered. 

Did the OP write a success story?

Did the OP write a success story?

 

Yes, she did:

 

http://www.benzobuddies.org/forum/index.php?topic=227772.msg2927145#msg2927145