My Benzo Story

hello all. here to tell my story in hopes of helping at least one person get off this terrible drug benzo. around feb 2007 i was working full time in a very intense stressful job. i took a weeks vacation but when it was time to go back to work i couldnt sleep. i didnt sleep for 3 days and felt like i was loosing my mind. i went to the emergency room and thats where they told me i was suffering from depression and anxiety. then they refered me to some doctors that would twist my mind upside down for the next two years, my phychologist and psychiatrist.

 

first drug they had me take was hhmm i forget what its called at the moment...benzo brain farts...empty spots in my brain lol j/k anyways....

it caused real bad constipation...(well thats something i got w/ benzos too but for some reason put up w/ it.) i stopped taking it and right away and thats when the doctor gave me a script for xanax. he said take 1 mg EVERY NIGHT to go to sleep and .5 during the day w/e i felt that anxiety feeling. i did what he said. once i said the .5 was too much for me at work. he said cut the .5 pill in half. i did. that worked much better....this was my beginning of xanax addiction.

 

long story but i did not like the psychiatrist at all. he was one of those who would sit back in his chair and ask you some mind twisting question then lean back and stare at you with glareing eyes waiting for you to answer. so i saw the phychologist instead. only in the beginning did the phychologist consult the phychiatrist about me. i did not like them talking about me in front of me as though i was just a picture frame on the desk. and i told them both i thought this. so.....whenever i saw the phychologist and needed my script of xanax written, he would just pull out pre-signed (by the phychiatrist) blank scripts out of his desk drawer and fill in what i needed which was after almost 2 years 150 pills of 1 mg xanax every 30 days. within a few months i started taking it almost everyday during the day. the cutting the 0.5 pill in half went to just taking the whole .5 mg. then a few times a day of taking the .5 mgs and 1 mg to sleep at night. this happened from end of mar 2007 to sept 2007. in sept 2007 i had another break down. i told my dr i didnt think the pills were working anymore. he immediatly jumped up and said oh you need your prescription upped? then he gave me the script for 1 mg 150 pills every 30 days. take 2 mgs to go to sleep he said and 1 mg as needed for anxiety during the day. at first it was better. well i thought it was. now i can see it wasnt at all. thats when they should of noticed i was addicted to xanax.

 

i continuted to see the dr and was even convinced my job was the cause of my anxiety and i needed to quit. so i did.

i saw the dr almost every month for the next year with all sorts of problems. my depression had turned into major depression but he didnt see that. my anxiety was off the hook. i started to get sucidial. i went to a mental ward and they handed out benzos like it was candy. they even tried to give me more than what was prescribed to me. i refused. all the while everyones trying to figure out what is wrong with me. thats when my husband said i think your addicted to xanax and it may be a problem. well im sure you all know what my response to that was.

 

i gave in and agreed to go to detox to get off it. i had tried everything to fix my brain and nothing else had worked. i signed up for detox at an aa/na detox faciltiy and had to wait 30 days due to my insurance. it was a torturous month. they told me not to stop taking it on my own. i could have sesuires and die.

i made an appointment to see my dr and tell him about the addiction. he didnt think i had an addiction at all when he was first told by me and my husband. he called in the phychiatrist real quick. this is what he had to say "as long as its within the peremiters". my husband said and what are the peremiters? they said i could taper down. i had no idea how that would work considering i took it during the day as needed. sometimes i would take up to 3 mg during the day sometimes i didnt. sometimes i only took the 2 mg to go to sleep. and i, in all by means, do not put down anyone who tapers. i just didnt have much info at the time at all on the subject and had no idea how to do it myself w/o cheating.

 

i went into detox on oct 28 2007 and got out on the 3rd or 4th of nov. it was an aa/na detox so i got nothing to help with the terrrible withdrawls. they gave me medication so i wouldnt die. when they said benzos were harder to kick than herion i couldnt believe it. when they said i might have out of body experiences i was SCARED! i had 2 days of non stop panic attacks. my mind was spinning so out of control with anxiety i cant even describe it. all of the sudden 3 days into it w/ no sleep i "woke up" i had no idea i was even there for 3 days.i didnt feel normal at all. it was so long since i did feel normal i wasnt sure how i was supposed to feel. i left detox a few days early because i wasnt an "addict". i had been involved w/ na/aa alanon for along time and i was someone who had been addicted to xanax by their dr. a few days into being at home thats when i got the iinvolentary spasms. my legs would shake, my arms. my mind started to spin out of control. every single thought that enterd my brain was scary. even if it wasnt scary. the sky is blue was a terrible scary thought to me. i couldnt take the body shakes. the mind spins. i had not one single moment where my brain was rested. i couldnt calm down. i didnt sleep. i became suicidal again. i went to the doctor and got on an ssri and seroquol to sleep, which is what they gave me in detox after 3 days of not sleeping.

6 days on the ssri and i felt like i awoke from a coma. the depression subsided right away and the anxiety and body twiches went away after alittle over a month. no dr told me to take the ssri. after the experience w/ the drs i had to come up w/ something myself before i killed myself. ive heard different stories about ssri's and seroquol but this is where im at. i am just so happy to have come off this horrible drug. i wish i had discovered this site back then. but everything happens for a reason.  i am hoping to be here for anyone whos willing to come off benzos. im here to say you are not alone and it is possilbe.

 

 

 

Welcome!  Glad you started a blog.  I am so sorry that you had to go through everything you went through.  As you know, I had to cold turkey, too. Sometimes I am glad I didn't know any better.  At least I was done with it.  And could begin healing right away.  And you are healing, too.  thanks for sharing your story!

 

hawk

Welcome to BenzoBuddies, eyewonder.  

 

You certainly have been to hell and back, haven't you?  You're coming up on 9 months free; how are you feeling now?

 

We often get people asking our opinion on detox centers for benzo addiction and can only advise based on the experiences of members like you. Thank you for sharing your story.

ty guys. i feel very welcome on this site.  im kinda glad too i didnt know any better either and just got it over with.

right now i feel great. i guess it is 8 months since for me to be benzo free. wow. i had to count it. thats amazing lol. 

i feel like i did b4 i ever got on the xanax. i feel better actually. im not having any anxiety at all and it feels ohhh so great!!!! i never felt like this on xanax.

my journey continued when a few days into the ssri, fresh out of detox, my mother told me she had lung cancer and had 3 months to a yr to live. feb this year she passed away. all this i dealt w/ and more w/o any xanax. considering all that im doing really good. only thing i cant get ahold of is sleeping at night on my own. im taking 40 to 50 mg of seroquol at night to sleep. it was at 100mg and i tapered down myself. if i try to sleep at night with anything less than 40 mg i take cat naps. ill sleep for 2 to 4 hrs maybe then wake up. ill be awake w/o being able to go back to sleep but i feel all fuzz brain like i just need more sleep to function. sleep.....that's how this all started.

You really went through it  my heart went out to you when I was reading your story. Glad you are here! Welcome to the forum.

Hello eyewonder,

 

Welcome to BenzoBuddies, your story is remarkable in the fact that you're here and want to help others through their pain.  You went through an awful time, but now you want to share your strength with others on their journey.

 

Thank you so much for telling us your story, we're very glad you're here!

 

Pam

Welcome, eyewonder,

 

Are you looking for support to get off the Seroquel?  As I understand it you are taking an SSRI?  It's great having you here and I am sure that you will give and get support.  Welcome.

 

Patty  xo

Hi eyewonder,

I was really touched by your story.....it sounds so familiar. Drs. really didn't have a clue or help you get off Benzos is my guess. Are you completely healed now or do you still have a few symptoms?

Glad you are here.

 

Danny-o

Hi eyewonder,

I was really touched by your story.....it sounds so familiar. Drs. really didn't have a clue or help you get off Benzos is my guess. Are you completely healed now or do you still have a few symptoms?

Glad you are here.

 

Danny-o

 

ty so strange to hear someone say  my story is familar. the drs really didnt have a clue at all. of couse they offered to detox me or have me taper down but i wasnt going to let them touch me! and i didnt know how i could taper down w/o cheating. i knew nothing of tapering. i think i am pretty much healed. i dont have any anxiety or depression at all!!! but i am taking paxil 20mgs. compared to how i was when i got out of detox i am 100% turned around. my friends and family are amazed. they cannot believe the old me is back.  only thing i struggle w/ is the sleeping. i take seroquel to sleep. i'd love to be able to go back to sleeping on my own.

Welcome, eyewonder,

 

Are you looking for support to get off the Seroquel?  As I understand it you are taking an SSRI?  It's great having you here and I am sure that you will give and get support.  Welcome.

 

Patty  xo

ty for the warm welcomes

i am thinking of tapering the seroquel. i went from 100 now down to 40 to 50mgs. i feel now 50mgs is too much but hard for me to cut it to 40mgs w/ a 100mg pill. ive been reading on the forums about the tapering. now i understand why its done for benzo w/d to help heal the gaba. i truly believe my ssri med, paxil 20mgs everyday, is what helped my brain heal after the detox. i was twisted after detox! dont think im ready to come off the paxil just yet

Eyewonder,

 

You sure went through alot to get where you are, but I congragulate you on getting off the benzos.  I am also glad to read that you are doing much, much better off the benzos.  Your story should inspire many in their quest to beat the benzos.

 

Tim

Wow.  What an awful, scary, wonderful story.  The awful, scary part is the benzos and the wonderful part is all you.  You went through this and survived it and are here to tell us about it.  So glad to meet you, Eyewonder.

 

ntw

Your Buddies want to wish you a very happy birthday, eyewonder.    I'm sure many of your new friends will be stopping by your birthday celebration thread over the next few days so check it out: 

 

http://www.benzobuddies.org/forum/index.php?topic=14120.0