all alone and depressed

I posted this on one of the other boards so it may have been in the wrong place. I suffer from long term depression

I was in a mental health ward for a week about three months ago. That was even before all this started.

Does anyone else have a lack of support from their family? My three daughters couldn't understand that my depression was from a chemical imbalance. They thought I just had a lousy attitude. I said that I read that I should ask for support from my family about this withdrawal and they said that I burned them out with my depression and that parents are supposed to support their children and not the other way around.

God, I feel like the worst person in the world.

 

Two days later. Before I wrote this I was laying on the couch and a little voice in my head is saying "Get up off the couch. Take a bunch of Xanax. Go out in the garage. Start the car and let's just end this thing."

 

Later in day two: I forced myself to get up off the couch and go to the senior center and read a book for a few hours.

I found myself afraid to come home as I was afraid of what I might do. I have never been through anything so horrific.

I'm in the same boat with you right now. I'm very sorry your family is reacting like that.

It would be so much better if families could support each other in times of emotional need.

So sorry Ernie, this can be a long, drawn out process. Im sorry your children are not more supportive. They are children, they know not what they say. You need to focus all your energy on healing. Maybe in time they will mature and see that life isn't always fair 😉 parents are human too. I really hope you can talk to someone about your suicidal thoughts. I had them a lot when I first CT'd. We don't want your thoughts to become actions. I have lost many to suicide...it's not something that ever leaves you. Your strong. You can do this. I have faith in you. My new mantra is "We are given this life because we are strong enough to live it." Sending you light & some good energy!

My three daughters are a all grown and married. I haven't mentioned my depressions to two of them in three years. My oldest does make an attempt to be supportive. During my last major depression (before and not as bad as withdrawal depression) she suggested I check into a mental health ward which is what I did. I was placed on Adderall because of my Post Concussive Syndrome and I was bouncing off the walls. I was up and down. Mood swings. One day I emailed her four times. Each one for when I was up and then again when I was down. So at HER suggestion I checked into a mental health ward for a week.

That support went a long way. Then on top of the withdrawal syndrome depression I have Post Concussive Syndrome depression. There are high school football players, NFL football players and NBA basketball players bumping themselves off with this type of depression. Between the two issues I feel sort of screwed at times. Sometimes I think to myself, "Jesus, do I have to have both?" I'm not wallowing in self-pity, but sometimes I feel enough is enough.

 

Sorry to hear you're suffering. None of us signed up for this mess. It sneaks up on you very slowly, doesn't it? The ideation is a symptom of w/d. Some people call it benzo lies, but I think when our quality of life is so poor, it's normal for those thoughts to occur. I've wanted to just end it all many times, but something is keeping me. I don't know if it is hope, plain old survival instinct and/or fear of death. I think the fear of unsuccessful attempt and being even more damaged is even scarier.

 

 

It's just so awful. I don't even have to sit around and work myself up into a depression. As soon as I open my eyes in the morning it's already their. I was at the senior center reading a book the other day and I was afraid to come home. Did I already say that? I've had crushing depressions before but nothing like this. This is horrific. I'm seeing a specialist on the 24th. God I hope he can help. Just four days. I hope he doesn't try to stick me into some six week short term rehab. I've been on 8MG of Xanax daily for years. It's so bad I have to go back and re-check my spelling. I'm leaving out letters. I'm spelling words backwards. I have a fear of impulse control and that I'll walk out into my garage and just start the car.

I too have wished I died instead of others. I also live alone and am agrophobic. So I'm not getting any support from anyone. I try so hard but I always fall short. I'm 59 and aging does not help the situation at all. Advice welcome from anyone.

I think us oldies should stick together! (I'm 63)  Depression is a trickster - it fills your head with lies.  Animalsrule - do you have any pets?  I couldn't get through this without my two rescue cats.  They are company when I am too ill to leave the house and when I am bedbound and lying on my back listening to digital audio books then at least one of them will snuggle up.  Posting on the forums here also keeps me going.  The support and encouragement is phenomenal.  Even though you are agrophobic, do you have a garden you can go in to get out of your house?  If you are not suffering too much from brain fog, could you find a site for educating yourself in something like a new language?  Maybe doing crosswords or suduko will help take your mind off how you're feeling.  What about becoming a great cook.  Nutrition is important for maintaining a good mood.

 

One thing we all need to remember - depression will tell us that the answer is to be dead but common sense will tell us we actually just want to feel better.  Searching for and implementing things that make us feel better is the real answer.  Hang on in there guys.

Thanks Magriff1,

I do have 2 rescue dogs that are good company. However, I'm in the US and there is no place for people like us here. The doctors are atrocious and our healthcare is an abomination. People are indifferent and judgemental. I live in VA about 45 minutes from where the reporters were murdered yesterday. You may have seen this horrible story on BBC.  This country is falling apart quickly. If I could leave, I would be gone. You're right, us older members should stay together. I do have a few family members. My Mom is 86 and lives in another state. My son is major issues of his own and will be moving across the country soon. I feel lost and overwhelmed. Perhaps I should have sent you a message.

Thanks for your response. Take care.I.

hello ernie i feel really bad how you feel sometimes i think i dont get the support i need to improve my health from my parents it upsets me that their ego is a priority having  2 lincolns a caddy and soon a $80k landcruiser i've had to help myself see incompetant dr's that would accept my state funded health insurance i was hospitalized recently for a mild seizure i think its too soon for me to try drinking agin . i just wanted to have a drink so i coiuld have something to enjoy and look forward to. as i did in the past. but um i saw mrs animalsrule cute puppy i think it wasi so cute !! i just thouight maybe a pet can help you ernie ? a cat or doggy ? or even a pet hamster?i lost miy pets over a year ago it really hurts i miss thiose days of holding my cat and it leaving cat hair all over my clothes . well try to keep your mind as occupied as possible . god loves you no matter how bad life is ok god bless you ernie

Katie (babyangel)

A lot of people have suggested pets and it sounds like a great idea. The problem is if I have to go somewhere for a few days I won't have anyone to take care of them. The people in my neighborhood pretty much keep to themselves so there's no help there. We all have large sized lots of land, 1 acre or more so we're pretty much isolated from one another.

Hello animalsrule!  So glad to hear you have discovered the joy of the company of our four legged furry friends.  No - I didn't hear that awful news on the BBC.  The reasons?  A I can't afford a TV license on my meagre state pension and B I avoid the news like the plague.  No newspapers, no news programmes on the radio.  I can't handle hearing about all the misery and suffering in the world.  Maybe I am being selfish and seem unsympathetic but the truth is that I emphasise so deeply that I can't bear to hear about the suffering that is out there.  There is so little I can do to help anyway though I do subscribe to Amnesty, Green Peace and a couple of animal charities.  I wonder if your low mood would benefit from a news embargo.  Maybe try it for a week and watch and listen to comedies and heartwarming dvds instead.  Just an idea!

 

Give your dogs a cuddle from me and have one for yourself.

Thanks Magriffe1! 

That's good advice regarding the news. I watch  it constantly and it can be very disturbing. Do you feel better in the evening than during the day? Mornings are my worst time. I wake up and I'm alone and just want to stay in bed. I know that's the worst thing to do. But I don't trust myself. I can't afford to stay in bed and I don't want to either. Have you or others out there experienced this? I was on long acting for 35 years. Yes, 35... Now I'm on 10mg of Valium a day. Very tough mentally. I'm curious to know others experiences. I have no one else to talk to. I wish there was someone or a group to talk to that would truly understand what we are up against.

Take care!

Hi animalsrule.  My energy pattern varies a bit from day to day but generally I feel lousy all morning, have to sleep in the afternoon and start to feel a bit better in the evening.  I think it's like I subconsciously feel that at that time of day I'm not expected to do anything so I can relax - the pressure is off.  I am now down to 5mg Valium a day and think that this is a very hard drug to withdraw from.  I gets lots of depression and fatigue.  Use this site to talk to people.  No one seems to mind if you want to have a good moan from time to time.  It's also worthwhile spending time looking at different topics that have been posted.  I find it really reassuring not just to know that I'm not on my own with this hell but that what I'm going through is part of the withdrawal process - and withdrawal will bring healing.

 

Hang on in there.  Take it one day at a time.

Hi Magriffe1,

My memory has become so bad I'm concerned that I may have Alzheimer's disease. Have you experienced memory loss and confusion? I've also found that it takes me forever do to anything. I can't seem to make a decision.  I'm on Valium to taper off Dalmane and Restoril. I just want it to be over so I can get on with my life.

Thanks for listening. Try and take care of yourself so when you're finally healed you'll have a healthy body and mind. Big Healing Hugs!

My concentration is almost totally gone.  I'll take a tablet and then can't remember whether or not I have taken it and have to check to see how many are left from that week's supply.  No more female multitasking like before - I can barely concentrate on one thing at a time.  My memory is almost non-existent - I'll read something, maybe the name of a book or website and if I don't write it down there is no way that I can remember it.  I also get very confused trying to read recipes when I'm cooking and have to keep checking back every few seconds.  It's not dementia or anything like that - it's messed up brain neurotransmitters.  You'll find this sort of thing is complained about a lot by people withdrawing.  Don't get stressed out about it, that only makes it worse.  Just accept that you probably need to have a pen and notepad with you all the time and that your brain will eventually be back to normal cognitive function.  In the meantime I get reassurance from reading posts on the forums.  I've got down from 10mg Valium to 5mg and have decided to hold there for a while in the hope that there will be some relief from my symptoms.  I guess I'm chickening out for the time being - I can't go on living like this at the moment particularly as my son's wedding is happening later this month.

Good luck with your healing.  Hang on in there.  Hugs to you too.