It's Over When The Fat lady Sings

and she is singing finally for me albeit still a bit out of tune. It's quite some time since I was on this forum due to the nightmare which has finally ended following the conflict of a lifetime and I won't list all the symptoms or be here all day but it has a happy ending, well sort of - it's the Good the Bad and the Ugly really or 1, 2, 3 it ain't so easy. This is the unsanitised version so you may want to change channels - .

The Ugly: Protracted Benzo Withdrawal, Battle #2

Philosopher Lao Tzu got it in one when he said "the journey of a thousand agonies begins with a single Benzo" or something similar and so it proved to be. A truly mind bending and life warping experience and my mind still has difficulty comprehending how so foul a medication which can break health, mind, soul, spirit, finances, jobs and relationships and even end lives should exist. The path my recovery took was very arduous and a full two years passed with no windows at all - nada, zilch. The myriad symptoms combined to form a hideous gestalt of far greater horror than the sum of its parts.This gestalt inflicted such anguish, stripped me of humanity and left a psychologically wrecked travesty who shuffled from bed to armchair to bed again. I dreaded the days and feared the nights afraid I might not survive and then afraid I would. Every minute was an hour was a day was a week. After over two years following the end of taper sleep began to improve and one by one symptoms receded and ever so painfully slowly normality returned. Now there is sunshine again and laughter

in this house.  A totally windowless linear healing against all probability.

This ordeal would not have been possible to overcome without my wonderful wife who never faltered in her unwavering support, never criticised and who literally saved me from self destruction. Able assistance also came from the relaxed and general all round good guy Koko the cat who came to visit 5 years ago and never left. Perfect timing. That's him pictured. Those of you who must suffer alone or have the added responsibility of youngsters or receive no support have an even harder road. My finances also are mostly intact unlike some who seem to suffer ruin, but I  have other problems. However the message is YOU TOO CAN HEAL. This may sound as a platitude and won't help with withdrawal but as many can attest it can be done albeit with much blood sweat and tears. Hang in there, just hang in!

Some observations -

Propofol for minor hospital procedures presented no problem.

Dentist local anesthetics caused no problems.

The sometimes unbearable pain which only benzos alleviated was not helped by any painkiller including

    Codeine which constipated

    Tramadol which caused insomnia

    Morphine

    Oxycontin which nearly caused a seizure.

Supplements didn't help but you already know that.

Caffeine was never a problem

Gabapentin helped the myoclonic jerks but it does carry a risk I believe.

Alcohol is fine now in moderation.

Of no help were the doctor, psychiatrist with big pharma drug arsenal, psychologist, physician, surgeon, homeopath, naturopath,

chiropractor, acupuncturist, physiotherapist, holistic doctor, native healer, podiatrist, faith and TENS therapy.

I am a changed person now the baseline anxiety has gone as has the pain but the suffering completely and irrevocably destroyed all vestige of faith. I hope it doesn't for you. On the upside and this may sound bizarre it has totally removed all concern or fear of the future no matter what. I just don't worry anymore which is not to say I want to check out as I very much want to continue now it's over and it doesn't mean I'm fearless or brave either as I'll run from anything nasty as fast as anybody. It's rather an acceptance and as if a  massive load has been lifted. What, me worry? Just like Alfred E Neuman.

The Good: Cancer, Battle #1

My battle with prostate cancer is over after 10 years and with NO treatment medically or surgically, no radiation and only a self determined protocol which has freed me of that sucker. No way was I going to fight the benzo beast to let this thing win and a total cure without doctors makes it even sweeter. Everything back to normal in that region now. Let's hear it for natural remedies everybody!

The Bad: Heart Failure (The Booby Prize), Battle #3

Just before the finish of the second taper I was diagnosed with a congenital heart condition with no treatment possible and heart failure has commenced with the inevitable result I don't need to spell out. But I was determined to recover basic health by beating the withdrawal and not ride out in a benzo storm.  Acceptance has given me a peaceful easy feeling as explained above, the one remarkable gift the benzos endowed.

Every one of us cruised to hell on the superhighway but must make their way back on the mountain goat track over Mt Neverest with a toll booth every inch of the way and the toll MUST be paid in the currency of pain misery and loss. Bitter personal experience confirms a fall by the wayside is an express return to hell- do not pass Go, do not collect $200. I  just want to reiterate that no matter how hard the days fall, when despair rules, please read the success stories and KNOW recovery will come. Not only that, it is the worst thing you will ever encounter and the future can hold nothing as grim. Any future hardship is a cakewalk by comparison.

Time now for me to rejoin my victory parade over #2 and 1 and re-engage on #3 to avoid any appointment with the reaper.

Qué será, será

Thank you for coming back to post.  Your story is an inspiration; in your benzo journey and your self-healing of cancer.  You've put into words eloquently what I can't yet describe or even fully fathom happened to me, although at one year out, I think I'm beginning very slowly to pick up some larger pieces of the bomb shrapnel.

Wishing you the very best in your life now and going forward, always.

Peace,

Serenity 

I'm sorry that you have had to endure so much pain and suffering. Thank You for coming back to share your story. You deserve all the peace and happiness that is now finally coming your way

Best Wishes for The Future!

tryin'

What a remarkable story and you positivity through your telling of it is very inspiring.

Many congratulations of what you've achieved, and many good wishes for success in making your heart healthy and whole again.

Healthypath.

Hi wa,

So glad you remembered us, thank you. What a tough ride this has been for

you. I take my hat off and wish you all the best....a healthy , happy Life. 

This is one of the best success stories I've read. Really glad you made it. This will give lots of people reassurance and I will add it to the list of protracted success stories on the protracted board sticky thread.

Every one of us cruised to hell on the superhighway but must make their way back on the mountain goat track over Mt Neverest with a toll booth every inch of the way and the toll MUST be paid in the currency of pain misery and loss.

This is so devastatingly true... I find myself amazed at how this process finds new ways to get harder, even as my symptoms get easier.

Thank you for such an honest and inspiring story.

15 months more call it 40 months all up.

Thank you so much, this gives us protracted a ton of hope! Thank you!

Thank you so much for such a beautiful and inspiring testament of the human spirit to go on and let nothing stop you!

You are so right...there IS a toll to pay and there are NO SHORTCUTS on the super-highway. We all must travel the difficult road to our healing. I am getting there too and this experience has changed me forever. I will continue to soul search what I am to do with it.

I know when a couple years have passed, I will know more truth.

God bless 

Thanks Buddies -  your well wishes are very much appreciated and I sure wish I could return some magic recovery elixir to everyone but sadly such is not to be.

Do know that  recovery will come your way and metaphorically speaking your regained strength will be such you can split rocks at a glance, bend steel with a thought and you will be as these artists:

seeing like him-

and walking like her-

Yeah, I know these are dinosaur tracks but so am I.

Thanks Buddies -  your well wishes are very much appreciated and I sure wish I could return some magic recovery elixir to everyone but sadly such is not to be.

 

Do know that  recovery will come your way and metaphorically speaking your regained strength will be such you can split rocks at a glance, bend steel with a thought and you will be as these artists:

 

seeing like him-

 

 

and walking like her-

 

 

Yeah, I know these are dinosaur tracks but so am I.

Thanks for the vids....ouch, too early to dance yet....

you are funny, good humour ...I like it.

Yes, ditto to everything, thank you so much, on this day, seeking hope, I found it, your writing is wonderful and you've touched us all but please, how is your heart?

m

Every one of us cruised to hell on the superhighway but must make their way back on the mountain goat track over Mt Neverest with a toll booth every inch of the way and the toll MUST be paid in the currency of pain misery and loss. Bitter personal experience confirms a fall by the wayside is an express return to hell- do not pass Go, do not collect $200. I  just want to reiterate that no matter how hard the days fall, when despair rules, please read the success stories and KNOW recovery will come. Not only that, it is the worst thing you will ever encounter and the future can hold nothing as grim. Any future hardship is a cakewalk by comparison.

What a fantastic analogy. A perfect way to say what we go through. Absolutely right on.

I just read your success story, WS. What an inspiration, and thanks so much for taking the time to write it!!  :thumbsup: