losing sight of recovery.....if I had the money I would go to Switzerland

Im losing hope BBs.....I wish if god was real he would take me or give me my life back. I am mostly afraid of everything and lost the abilities to even look after myself.  I hate the nightmare I hate the depression which I supposedly have because doctors don't want to admit they fkd up so they say your depressed.  Well I beg to differ because I wasn't depressed before benzo introduction.  You made me depressed by overdosing me on diazepam and now I suffer more and more I hurt more and more I feel my life is over because  benzos have stripped me of all giod that I once was. You took away my ability to be a great father you took away my ability to be a great worker you took away my ability to problemssolve and you took away my marriage and you took away my friendships you took away my confidence you took away my ability ti learn you took away most of my brains abilities. You took everything iv ever worked hard for now you expect me to work harder to get my life back. ...just one thing youve left me mentally crippled and unable to do anything that isnt I bloodt mountain to do. Youve got me so lost im actually subconsciously talking to a fkn benzo that isnt even there.  You just destroyed nearly everybody on this forum and got them hiding in they're beds away  from all they love and all they know and made us all feel as if our life has just been one big lie and taken away the kind loving people that we all once were and expect us to take two years to recover my kids won't wait two yrs

...the thought of being like this for two yrs kills me inside. I feel like a criminal ehis done something to deserve it but I ain't broken no laws so why do I feel like a low life piece of shit that looks into his future and see a fkn hobo (homeless man)  raiding bins for his next meal while at that moment hus kids see him.  So angry and sad and unloved 

 

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So sorry mukachi. May feel slightly better when your friend returns.  Gilly.  :'(

Mukachi,

 

I completely get the rant against everything you just posted.. most of all I resonate with the God rant... I was like that for 2 weeks straight and called him every name in the book and told him he was a liar and garbage.. so on and so on.

 

I don't know if you read my thread about the God dream.. but one morning I woke up and something (maybe God's voice) said "i have always taken care of you" then proceded to give me visions in my life where he did.

 

I know it probably doesn't help right now, but I honestly think it's quite ok to rant against God... one time when I was ranting I heard a voice say back to me "keep going you're cleansing" 

 

I hope you can hang in there, but I know how tough it is when you feel trapped in a corner with no way out.

 

So sorry to hear you going through this... It just doesn't seem fair...  I know.

Thank you matt I have so much rage just now towards our great father iv already beaten cancer matt and god gave my son cystic fibrosis also. Its like hes punishing me for something iv raised money for charities iv saved my friends kids going into care when I was only 21 iv done alot of good in this life matt I ain't looking for holyness or godliness I just want to live my life and  be with my children while they are children feels like im missing huge important parts of their life and none of it is my fault.....yeah they love me so much my kids so it must hurt them to think they can't see they're dad everyday or when they want because im paralysed with fear most days. I am determined but sometimes I feel all iv done is fight my way through life. I know there are people worse off but that's down to government scandal or you could blame god for this too because if he's god he can control the rain as the song goes hes got the whole world in his hand......maybe he should start using both hands and help people with the other one  im sure he has two hands like the rest of us. A sorry about that im no god hater I just think somebody has to shout at him now and a gain if he's not happy with it then I guess im gonna find out. But he can't hurt me anymore than I'm already hurting 

Hello,

 

I get your frustration, your feeling of hopelessness brought on by withdrawal from a strong drug.  I had days where I yelled and shouted at my symptoms.  This process can rob people of so much in their lives.  But, I never truly believed I wouldn't heal.  Something inside me said I would not let this benzo beast take anything else from me.  I tried my best to continue to work, live, function, even if at a very reduced level.  All I can say is that for me, it was worth the effort, the pain and the wait for recovery.  Ranting and venting is a good outlet, believing in healing is also very important.  I'm sorry for all you are dealing with, I know it's not fair, but give it some time and let the healing process take it's course.

 

pianogirl 

Mukachi,

Wow.. so much of everything you're ranting about sounds so much of what I was ranting about... I kept saying God you piece of ---- why do you let the 1 percenters have all the fun while 99 percent of us struggle... You're suppose to be all powerful but  you don't do a dang thing... are they more powerful then you!....so on and so on...

 

Again, I don't see anything wrong with getting this out, God can take it, IMO...  I was literally screaming it all at the top of my lungs.. throwing pillows at the walls, stomping on the ground,etc.  I was basically throwing a tantrum.. But you know, for me, it helped!  Especially if it was right before I took my pill.. It's like I dumped all that out and then the pill helped ease it.

 

Mukachi, if you need a listener, feel free to PM me and rant all you want.  I totally get it.  I do think, though this is definitely chemical influenced, that some of it is due to subconscious accumulation of things we've held in.. Just my opinion... and some how this isn't punishment but a cleansing... It's just so dang intense because we're being forced into it through the drug...

 

So feel free to rant to me all you want.. I have a few friends that let me do this through emails and it helped me a lot!

 

 

 

 

 

 

Thank you matt I have so much rage just now towards our great father iv already beaten cancer matt and god gave my son cystic fibrosis also. Its like hes punishing me for something iv raised money for charities iv saved my friends kids going into care when I was only 21 iv done alot of good in this life matt I ain't looking for holyness or godliness I just want to live my life and  be with my children while they are children feels like im missing huge important parts of their life and none of it is my fault.....yeah they love me so much my kids so it must hurt them to think they can't see they're dad everyday or when they want because im paralysed with fear most days. I am determined but sometimes I feel all iv done is fight my way through life. I know there are people worse off but that's down to government scandal or you could blame god for this too because if he's god he can control the rain as the song goes hes got the whole world in his hand......maybe he should start using both hands and help people with the other one  im sure he has two hands like the rest of us. A sorry about that im no god hater I just think somebody has to shout at him now and a gain if he's not happy with it then I guess im gonna find out. But he can't hurt me anymore than I'm already hurting 

Mukachi,

 

Reading your posts, ditto Matt333.  As per Matt, I was screaming throwing pillows shouting vulgarities about doctors just like you on Sunday.  I did do a lot of screaming at God during the first part of my taper like you, as well.  For some reason my anger at God kind of went away, but I had it bad really really bad.  Matt may be onto to something about cleansing; others here call it grieving.  Whatever it is, I agree it's best to not bottle it in nor judge it.  You aren't being punished, your mental SX are telling you that.  In due time you will realize again those beautiful children of yours were entirely blessed to have a daddy who loves them more than words can describe.  Look at what you're enduring to get your life back. 

 

Hoping your starting to feel some relief over there in the UK time zone. 

Thank you matt  and willdoit im usually a placid guy iv not one violent bone in my body and as for throwing stuff I might break something and your right there is times I want ti shout from the rooftops but I don't want to scare my friend. Sometimes it feels like I hold so much in but wonder if there's any point letting it out because it's the same shit day in day out.  I feel as if I am going crazy most day's.  I don't drink alcohol or anything iv been told by my friends to smoke a bit of weed to help me relax and that it might calm my thinking down.  Part of me goes yeah but the eighty prr cent of me says I'm to scared to put any other drug in my body I hate evem taking my ssri.  Im just so confuse dizzy sometimes and I get an inside tremor that seems to only happen in the inside when I look for shaking there bis none bi ask my friend if she can see me shake and she says no m hut inside its like a road drill or like the ignition of a car on or it just running on idle any of you get that. Im so glad you guys got me to calm down and I appreciate your messages of support willdoit dont know what id have done without you. There are just some people just so interestedin themselves you are very selfless the both of uyou m just feels like iv been abandoned this weekend.  Im fine now. Andy x

Mukachi,

Wow.. so much of everything you're ranting about sounds so much of what I was ranting about... I kept saying God you piece of ---- why do you let the 1 percenters have all the fun while 99 percent of us struggle... You're suppose to be all powerful but  you don't do a dang thing... are they more powerful then you!....so on and so on...

 

Again, I don't see anything wrong with getting this out, God can take it, IMO...  I was literally screaming it all at the top of my lungs.. throwing pillows at the walls, stomping on the ground,etc.  I was basically throwing a tantrum.. But you know, for me, it helped!  Especially if it was right before I took my pill.. It's like I dumped all that out and then the pill helped ease it.

 

Mukachi, if you need a listener, feel free to PM me and rant all you want.  I totally get it.  I do think, though this is definitely chemical influenced, that some of it is due to subconscious accumulation of things we've held in.. Just my opinion... and some how this isn't punishment but a cleansing... It's just so dang intense because we're being forced into it through the drug...

 

So feel free to rant to me all you want.. I have a few friends that let me do this through emails and it helped me a lot!

 

 

 

 

 

 

Thank you matt I have so much rage just now towards our great father iv already beaten cancer matt and god gave my son cystic fibrosis also. Its like hes punishing me for something iv raised money for charities iv saved my friends kids going into care when I was only 21 iv done alot of good in this life matt I ain't looking for holyness or godliness I just want to live my life and  be with my children while they are children feels like im missing huge important parts of their life and none of it is my fault.....yeah they love me so much my kids so it must hurt them to think they can't see they're dad everyday or when they want because im paralysed with fear most days. I am determined but sometimes I feel all iv done is fight my way through life. I know there are people worse off but that's down to government scandal or you could blame god for this too because if he's god he can control the rain as the song goes hes got the whole world in his hand......maybe he should start using both hands and help people with the other one  im sure he has two hands like the rest of us. A sorry about that im no god hater I just think somebody has to shout at him now and a gain if he's not happy with it then I guess im gonna find out. But he can't hurt me anymore than I'm already hurting 

 

Matt, looking back I realize that it was when i started taking benzos that I started reading about all the mortgage backed securities, synthetic CDO's, etc. etc. I guess it's the benzo depression that made me focus too much on what was going on. Wish I just tuned out, stayed in my happy place and listened to my music. But the post 2008- period has been hard to swallow, and I made the worst mistake of all, embarking on a job change in the worst possible moment. God. I think the 90's were so much easier, because I hardly focused on politics, etc. But we started living in a different world post 2001, with wars, economy problems and everything. No wonder the benzo epidemic is higher than it has been.

ya, I went down that rabbit hole and it made me feel helpless with all the corruption going on.  But I don't think we could have ignored it.. 2008 definitely brought more corruption to the light, and now Greece.  The Greeks are going through a very rough transition... soon it will be Spain, Portugal.. and so on...

 

I eventually did get out of the rabbit hole, but it made it's way into my mind and kept checking up on it... and now that I'm going through withdrawal I'm watching everything again, very closely.  Probably not a good thing to keep an eye on politics.

 

Someone get me off this crazy ride!

 

 

Mukachi,

Wow.. so much of everything you're ranting about sounds so much of what I was ranting about... I kept saying God you piece of ---- why do you let the 1 percenters have all the fun while 99 percent of us struggle... You're suppose to be all powerful but  you don't do a dang thing... are they more powerful then you!....so on and so on...

 

Again, I don't see anything wrong with getting this out, God can take it, IMO...  I was literally screaming it all at the top of my lungs.. throwing pillows at the walls, stomping on the ground,etc.  I was basically throwing a tantrum.. But you know, for me, it helped!  Especially if it was right before I took my pill.. It's like I dumped all that out and then the pill helped ease it.

 

Mukachi, if you need a listener, feel free to PM me and rant all you want.  I totally get it.  I do think, though this is definitely chemical influenced, that some of it is due to subconscious accumulation of things we've held in.. Just my opinion... and some how this isn't punishment but a cleansing... It's just so dang intense because we're being forced into it through the drug...

 

So feel free to rant to me all you want.. I have a few friends that let me do this through emails and it helped me a lot!

 

 

 

 

 

 

Thank you matt I have so much rage just now towards our great father iv already beaten cancer matt and god gave my son cystic fibrosis also. Its like hes punishing me for something iv raised money for charities iv saved my friends kids going into care when I was only 21 iv done alot of good in this life matt I ain't looking for holyness or godliness I just want to live my life and  be with my children while they are children feels like im missing huge important parts of their life and none of it is my fault.....yeah they love me so much my kids so it must hurt them to think they can't see they're dad everyday or when they want because im paralysed with fear most days. I am determined but sometimes I feel all iv done is fight my way through life. I know there are people worse off but that's down to government scandal or you could blame god for this too because if he's god he can control the rain as the song goes hes got the whole world in his hand......maybe he should start using both hands and help people with the other one  im sure he has two hands like the rest of us. A sorry about that im no god hater I just think somebody has to shout at him now and a gain if he's not happy with it then I guess im gonna find out. But he can't hurt me anymore than I'm already hurting 

 

Matt, looking back I realize that it was when i started taking benzos that I started reading about all the mortgage backed securities, synthetic CDO's, etc. etc. I guess it's the benzo depression that made me focus too much on what was going on. Wish I just tuned out, stayed in my happy place and listened to my music. But the post 2008- period has been hard to swallow, and I made the worst mistake of all, embarking on a job change in the worst possible moment. God. I think the 90's were so much easier, because I hardly focused on politics, etc. But we started living in a different world post 2001, with wars, economy problems and everything. No wonder the benzo epidemic is higher than it has been.

You're a very kind guy and a very loving dad.  You're also very talented and your creativity will start coming back. I  think a lot of us identify with every word you speak.  Sometime in this process you will feel better.  PM me anytime buddy.

Well today is a new dawn and boy do i feel like a million bucks???  Nope I fkn don't I feel the same crap over and over and over again I just wish I could write some sort of progress why do legal prescription drugs do this to you??? Because it wasn't the pill that did this to me it was the health service and what's the yr answer may you ask more fkn benzos yeah I phoned an out of hours doctor there told him im feeling agitated iv been off benzos for nearly two month and iv been on an ssri his answer only thing we can give you is diazepam I mean come on ffs im scared to leave my home because of these things and that's the answer.  Just hang it out iv been hanging it out and it feels like a bloody yr already how am I gonna cope with rhis shit. They say talk to someone and I do but its like talking to a wall of misunderstanding they have no clue because they only  see the shell of the monster but he's safely locked away in the fkn compounds of our body and mind....that big dirty evil monster hiding in you well I wish he would go hide somewhere else because he scares the crap outta me. 

Mukachi,

 

You are going through a long and very difficult part of your life right now, but it is only going to be a part of your life, not the rest of it. Time will pass, perhaps slowly, but it will pass and things will start to improve for you. You may not notice these improvements at first, but in time you will and you will be thankful for them.

 

You will someday look back at your hardships rather than be living them. Most likely you will feel like a much stronger person than you did before and you would have found that you have a much greater empathy for others who are having a rough time. What you do with your life at that point is up to you, but you will be in a very good position to really make a positive difference in this world. Pain and suffering does not only give birth to bad things.