After 3 years of w/d, I am 9 months off and 70% healed

Many of you know me as I have been around BB for many years. However I sort of disappeared for the past 6 months, which happened to coincide with my post recovery stage. I had to take a break from others opinions and find my own path back to health, by listening to my body and my instincts. I am happy to say that I am a good 70% recovered at 9 months out.

 

If you want to read my story of how I ended up on benzos please check out my moderator profile. http://benzobuddies.org/about-us/meet-the-team/

 

I had an extremely long withdrawal as I was polydrugged. 3 years to be exact. It was horrendous and filled with such a state of depression, most days I had no idea how I would make it through. I was one of those people who never reached tolerance. Benzos and all the other drugs I was on severely sedated me. Therefore the withdrawal not only caused a serious depression but it also cause a chemical/sedation depression, it was a double whammy.I was also recovering from 40 rounds of shock treatment. My brain was broken to say the least. I often referred to it as a  Brain Injury as when I read stories of people who experience head trauma, their stories sounded the same as mine. Anyhow, I fought to retain my sanity daily.  I felt like I was walking through life with a refrigerator on my back and bricks on my eyes, everything felt so heavy and hard.

 

 

 

When I finally jumped in October 2014, I was so tired. I suffered from terrible dizziness and stomach pain, lethargy, lack of energy and motivation, depression,  muscle pain, low blood pressure,  and tension headaches, bad PMS and agitation. The same things I suffered from the entire w/d, but after I jumped everything got way way worse. But I was hopeful. I had dreamt about my jump day for 3 years and there it was. But it was so anticlimatic because I didn't get better. At 4 months out, I was tapped out. I couldn't do it anymore. I just had nothing left to give. I was exhausted and depressed. I was having suicidal thoughts and just couldn;t cope anymore.

 

My benzo  w/d dr and my family dr, both said my brain had another 18-24 months healing to do before it repaired itself fully. But I thought, because I did such a slow taper with many holds and even a few updoses that I would be immune to that and I would recover quickly. But alas, no. I was not to be the exception to the rule, I was to be the rule. 

 

Anyway, I told my dr's that I could not do it anymore. I had used up my reserve tank of determination and strength during my 3 year w/d and my 2 year pre w/d madness when I was misdiagnosed.After 5 long  years, I had nothing left to give. My reserve tanks were corroded. I was suicidal and exhausted. I felt like I had just come back from a war. And because my memories and cognitive function were coming back to me now, I started to experience serious PTSD.  . My dr suggested celexa. Now I like most of you, said no. NO WAY. Not another pill, were they crazy. But their logic and Dr Ashton shares the same logic, is this....sometimes you need SSRI  help. All of my brain chemistry was off, so why not try and at least supplement the one that helps you the most with depression and motivation  , serotonin. And after all , these dr's of mine's specialty is getting people off drugs not putting them on them. So if they of all people were suggesting celexa I should listen to their reasoning.

 

I tried it depsite my guilt, shame and opposition and  I felt better almost within 24 hours. My pain lightened a bit, my mood definitely lifted,  and some motivation came back.  Because all of my energy was not being taken over by depression  my body had energy to start  repairing itself and that felt good. I am telling you , it was the hardest decision I have ever made, going on an SSRI, but it worked for me.  the motivation to continue.

 

I have since graduated College with honours, and am looking for a full time job. I bike everywhere and have started exercising again. My body still hurts but it is healing. My stomach is getting better, I still take a PPI and watch what I eat.  I still have "bad brain days" as I call them, where you just stay in bed all day. But my life is 70% open windows now. Windows are the majority not the minority.  I lead relativley a normal life, but without a ton of energy. But I know that will come with the reparation of my brain. Also my memories are back...they all came rushing back to me and my cognitive function is also better and that started right away after my jump as well, pre ssri....Gosh this post sounds like an advertisement for ssri's lol...I assure it is not, the ssri's only helped with depression  and motivation, everything else: muscle pain, stomach pain, sleep, agitation, night sweats, severe PMS, low low blood pressure, severe debilitating dizziness, cognitive function is healing because my brain is healing, in fact they started to really heal about a year before I jumped. Depression just makes everything feel so much harder. Without it, I can see and recognize my progress.

 

I love being able to take care of my body again and use in a positive way. I still have some ways to go. And the dr think I should stay on ssri for about another year to 18 months, and I don't disagree. It was a small step backward for me to take celexa, but i was able to make a thousand leaps forward because if it. It is not for everyone, and I am certainly not advocating it for you. It just helped me in my post depression situation.

 

We are all unique and so is our w/d. You will find your way out of this. Be open to trying things you would not normally try. Be open. I thought volunteering would be so hard and it ended up saving my sanity. I thought going to school was crazy but it helped to heal my brain. You are stronger and more capable than you think. And in every stage of w/d you can find that strength to keep going. In the worse part of my w/d I had simple things like getting from the bed to the couch, that were accomplishments. Now it's trying to see if I can work at a job again full time. I constantly challenged my perception of what I thought I could do, it kept me feeling like even though I was a fraction of my former self, I was still capable of moving forward. 

 

 

 

I will keep giving updates about my progress and I will also answer any questions you have regarding my w/d. I know you can do it. I promise you will get there. Find your path, build your support team, and don;t accept that you are broken forever because you are not. You are one of the strongest people on the planet. Your endurance and strength are immeasurable. You are amazing and you will succeed. Follow your gut, do what's best for you, not what others think is best for you. The Ashton manual is a guideline not a rule book. You are the author of your story and the driver of your boat. Follow your path and you will  get there with knowledge, self awareness and strength others can only dream of obtaining. You will come out of this a better person then when you went into it. You are running a marathon not a race. You will hit the wall. But there is always a way through that wall. And remember this, you are not feeling like shit because you are weak . I used to think, if I just tried hard enough I could push through it. If I could just exercise I could feel the energy it gives people. If I could just stick to a perfect diet I could have no more stomach pain ...etc....but it it your brain chemistry that makes you feel like crap, not your will.

 

I never thought I would get to this stage. I dreamt about. And I still have to pinch myself sometimes. Last week I went out during the day and ran errands, went out for dinner with friends and then went to see some live music afterwards. ALL THAT! in one day. I scarcely believed it was me.  I can;t do that all the time, but the fact that it was possible, makes it so much more precious. I am really only now, starting to trust that the rug won;t be swept out from under me and I will be thrown into a giant wave. I can see the future and I like it. I am redesigning my life the way I want it to look. For 5 long years my life was on hold. But I am back and reentering society..it's awkward and odd and overwhelming at times, but in a good way. I am back!  And honestly, I  take nothing for granted anymore and marvel at all my accomplishments no matter how small. I am no longer a flake always cancelling plans, isolating myself, hiding and just surviving the day, trying to not watch the clock and wonder how the hell I am going to make through until bedtime when I can sleep and gain some relief from my misery. I am grateful I am here and I survived.

 

You can do this. I promise.

 

Alabama. xoxoxoxoxoxoxoxo

 

PS if you look down in the comment section you will see a list of symptoms that I had so you can see what I went through and where I am today...I know that is the kind of thing I liked to read when I was going through w/d.

 

Hello bama!  It's great to see your success story here at last!  Your story will be a great inspiration to other members. 

Hi Bama,

so good to see you again here, what a great success story.

I remember well what a struggle it was for you, a nightmare to say

the least. Wish you well Bama and thanks for sharing.

 

Hey Bama

 

 

Its great to see you back and posting your success story, I know your story is going to help many members.

 

Thank you for posting

 

Love

 

Mags 

Good account.  Interesting that the SSRI helped you so much.  Maybe it would have helped you pre-benzo too but who knows.  You don't mention your Tramadol here but it can have a big effect on brain chemicals.

Interesting you should mention that, as it was through the tramadol that we realized how much an ssri could help. Everytime I took them for a day or a week or a month my mood would pick up and I felt like I could cope with all the other symptoms.  Also deep in the heart of w/d of zopiclone, I became severely depressed. We tried a low dose of celexa then and I became suicidal within 3 days. That was one of the reasons I was terrified to try it again. But in fact my body chemistry was different. So it worked thankfully.

Congratulations to you Bama!  It's so wonderful to read your success story and even more wonderful seeing you out there living life. Thanks for this post of hope for our members.

 

PG  :smitten:

Thank you for taking the time to write this!  I'm 15 months out and starting to feel like Success is near. Not there yet, but can feel it close by.  The path to healing is so different to each one of us. But the wave of hope and positive energy that radiates from your words is universal.  And I receive them with gratitude and a smile.

Aft

Wow! What a great story and motivational lift! I hit a mini-wall the last few days after a couple of nights with very little sleep. Your story has helped me to remember exactly why I am doing this.

 

Great Job and Thank You 

 

tryinhard

Hey Bama,

Great to see you here and doing so well!  Sounds like you are well on your way to health again.

What a struggle you've had…

Love,

Chal 

Thank you for all the well wishes! I scarcely recognize myself in the mirror. But in a good way this time, as before I looked so foreign to myself when in withdrawal that I avoided mirrors for 3 years! I was feeling so confident that I am in a good place now , permanently, that I booked appointments with my family doctor, my therapist and my benzo w/d doctor to say thank you and show my gratitude towards them for getting me through this alive. I mean literally, alive. When I crashed in post w/d, I really thought that was it. I couldn't believe that I had fought so hard to w/d and that post w/d was what was going to finally do me in.

 

It has been 5 months since that crash, and I am doing so well. Giving my support team cards and little gifts of gratitude was the best moment of the past 5 years. It meant, I made it. I survived and I am me again. I thought I was gone forever and that these symptoms would NEVER EVER EVER go away. 70% of them are distant memories. I used to have such low blood pressure and severe dizziness that I had to lie down all the time, even during my exams at college, I used to have to take them in a private room, lying down!  I have not felt dizziness in months and months and months. I really thought it would last forever.

 

Yes there are symptoms that still linger, but I can manage them really well now. Mostly it is reflux/stomach issues,which unfortunately is permanent because benzos weaken your LES muscle, and once it is weak, it stays that way, but because I no longer take benzos , it is significantly less relaxed!  And muscle pain, But you know what, after being sedentary and inactive for years, this could just be the after effects of that mixed with the fact that I still do not have enough gaba to calm them down, in which case that will come...

 

For those of you who are doubting that you can make it or that your symptoms are permanent or  worse yet, some underlying disease....

 

This is where I was during w.d

 

Severe dizziness and low blood pressure, I could barely stand most days.

Zero motivation, everyday was a monumental effort just to get out of bed

Horrid depression, I felt like I was walking through air as thick as mud

Muscles pain so severe I would get tension headaches that made me throw up regularily and back pain that had me on my back in bed for weeks sometimes

In the worse part of my taper, I would not leave the house for weeks. I barely had the energy to make it from the couch to the bed and back again. Let alone feed myself.

Severe stomach pain, where all I ate was toast for days on end

Weight gain...30 pounds!

Horrid cog fog and memory loss (I could not read a book)

I would go from hot to cold to hot again. sweating profusely to the point where my sweat was sticky and my fingers would stick together...literally! I had to wear white cotton gloves for 3 months

Horrid body odour for years

50% of my  hair fell out 3 times during w/d

Horrific PMS and ovulation..I had to schedule my tapering around it which extended my tapering schedule.

Terrible sensitivity to smell, sound, light, touch. Smells would give me migraines, I would wear sunglasses inf=doors, everything I wore was soft and seamless, I wore earplugs all the time inside and out.

Hypersensitivity to medications, vitamins and supplements.

Fatigue, crushing fatigue. Then kind that feels like a house is on your back.

Feet and skin burning

 

I am sure I am forgetting some things...but you get the gist of it............It goes away...I promise.

 

 

 

 

 

Bama,

 

Thank you so much for posting, and congratulations.  I believe from great suffering, total ruin, comes transformation.  I hear that in the stories of the people who have suffered greatly, psychic change and transformation.

 

I am very, very happy for you.  and one of the best gifts of withdrawal is I have learned to listen to my own voice, I have learned I know what is best for me.  I am glad you could listen to your voice and take the medicine that helped you so much.  It's terrifying when we feel so bad, to risk taking something that might make us feel worse.  I'm so glad this all worked out for you.

Bama--It makes me so happy to read this!  When you stopped posting I got really worried about you, because I knew you'd been having a terrible time.  I always envied that you had the great doc who wrote the book, but you were an example to me that even with the kindest, most compassionate doctor in the world, this whole thing is still incredibly difficult.

 

We had PMed a few times a few months back.  Don't know if you remember me.  I posted my success story a couple of weeks ago.

 

Your story is truly inspirational to others.  I'm so glad the AD worked for you.  I wonder if that will have others here re-thinking their determination not to go on ADs.  I think it must have helped that your medical team, as you pointed out, is in the business of getting people off of these things, so they wouldn't suggest it for you lightly.  For so many people it seems the docs are so casual about prescribing another layer of drugs, it's not surprising it makes them nervous.

 

I wish your team could clone itself and be available to more of the suffering!

 

Again, congrats.  I love imagining you riding your bike around again! 

Bama,

 

Thank you so much for posting, and congratulations.  I believe from great suffering, total ruin, comes transformation.  I hear that in the stories of the people who have suffered greatly, psychic change and transformation.

 

I am very, very happy for you.  and one of the best gifts of withdrawal is I have learned to listen to my own voice, I have learned I know what is best for me.  I am glad you could listen to your voice and take the medicine that helped you so much.  It's terrifying when we feel so bad, to risk taking something that might make us feel worse.  I'm so glad this all worked out for you.

 

I hear you! AAAAAMEN! And to trust it. The craziest part at the moment, is that all of my memories came rushing back to and are still coming back. In fact I think it is working normally, maybe even more then normal  (I'ts been so long since I was normal I forget what it was to compare to! LOL) My point....Is that as my memories come back to me I have to believe them . When things pop into my head, like  for instance, I am at a party, meeting what I think is a stranger and a name  will pop into my head when i look at them, even though i do not recognized them, for some reason a name comes to mind and I just trust that my brain is giving me the right information....and boom, it is always correct. And then as I talk to the person I start to remember them and all the rest, the images , the stories , the shared time...all come rushing back . It is crazy to just trust yourself. literally.  What a trip we have been on..............a journey to ourselves.

Bama--It makes me so happy to read this!  When you stopped posting I got really worried about you, because I knew you'd been having a terrible time.  I always envied that you had the great doc who wrote the book, but you were an example to me that even with the kindest, most compassionate doctor in the world, this whole thing is still incredibly difficult.

 

We had PMed a few times a few months back.  Don't know if you remember me.  I posted my success story a couple of weeks ago.

 

Your story is truly inspirational to others.  I'm so glad the AD worked for you.  I wonder if that will have others here re-thinking their determination not to go on ADs.  I think it must have helped that your medical team, as you pointed out, is in the business of getting people off of these things, so they wouldn't suggest it for you lightly.  For so many people it seems the docs are so casual about prescribing another layer of drugs, it's not surprising it makes them nervous.

 

I wish your team could clone itself and be available to more of the suffering!

 

Again, congrats.  I love imagining you riding your bike around again! 

 

What kind words and  such a thoughtful post. I certainly wish I could clone them to. They truly were the bees knees! I had a rough day today, which is unusual but like I said, it still happens from time to time. But here's the thing that happens to you're thinking and reacting, that means you have crossed over to the 'success stories' side of this forum......when you have a crappy, symptom filled day, it is rare...but not only that...when you have it, you KNOW and TRUST 100% it will go away the next day, the next week, or even eventually, you almost don;t even react to it, you just accept it and do what you are capable of until it goes away.....

 

. When you are in withdrawal and you are in a bad wave, even worse, you have yet another new and weird symptom, you FEAR it will last forever. You panic that you will be broken and suffering for the rest of your life. You see no end in sigh You have no idea how you will get through it, there is no other side in sight....ever.

 

It is such a big difference in the reaction of the two to the same thing. I literally just felt sorry for myself all day, watched movies and moped around. Not once did I panic and  think...will this go away? 

Good stuff here and all such wise words and truth. Man I have been there! I can relate to it all and its weird you brought up feeling your memories coming back again. I too am feeling that. The first few months, I lost EVERYTHING. It felt like my brain was numb and a live wire just barely functioning. It reminds me of those circuit panels that have fried wires and only parts worked, other parts gone.

 

A few weeks ago, I was running some errands and I was flooded with the most awesome memories that I had not thought about in years. It was a sunny day and where I was triggered it all I guess. Its almost like what people describe that have had amnesia. I think for a while we do too in this horrible WD and healing. Its amazing watching our brains return to normal. I have found for me, that after a BAD wave I have a few really good days and more healing took place. The bad days are rare now, very rare. Praise GOD!

 

I agree too, that if a yucky day comes, I just say, ok, lets get thru it and chill today, this will pass, it always does and a better day is tmro, or the next day, etc. It always happens.

 

Peace 

magic

 

Putting in the part about Celexa serving as a vital bridge at a critical point is important to the story.

Glad things are working out for you and hope your windows are ever more frequent. Great story!! 

Hi Bama..

It's good to see you back and even WAY better to ad you're at about 70 percent healed and doing well! Thanks for posting your story, thanks for providing hope and thanks for being around.

Moo

( or mom of one )

Hi Bama..

It's good to see you back and even WAY better to ad you're at about 70 percent healed and doing well! Thanks for posting your story, thanks for providing hope and thanks for being around.

Moo

( or mom of one )

 

HI MOO!!!!! SO nice to hear from you! I hope you are doing well as well?

Hi alabama,

so good to see that you found a way to get thru.

However, you may already know this, but I would like to warn you about the ppi's.

They cause osteoporosis, b12, folate and other deficiencies.

My mom's D levels showed high until I got her off of the ppi and then they dropped dramatically.

We are still battling to get her calcium back up.

These ppi's mess with the following GI chemicals:

 

The PPIs only block the cellular/molecular acid production and allow secondary build up or excessive reduction of the hormones gastrin, cholecystokinin, secretin, glucagon, motilin, VIP, substance P, somatostatin and other biologically active polypetides, which changes all the homeostasis processes of the whole gastro-intestinal system

http://jeffreydachmd.com/2014/03/heartburn-reflux-gerd-ppi-gastric-acid-blocker-drugs/

 

I tapered my mom off nexium for 3 months and she was on them for almost a year.

She is a little more than 2 months off them and her digestion still has issues but getting better.

The rebound acid reflux is horrible and starts about 2 weeks after stopping and continues for at least a month in my mom's case.

I appreciate that mrtmeo, I really do. And I know about all the side effects unfortunately. I do try to do what I can supplement wise but I really do not have much of an option when it comes to ppi's and ranitidine. Benzos gave me permanent damage to my LES, and then a hiatal hernia developped. I barely control my symptoms with the medication, but without it, it is horrific.

 

It is a mechanical issue at this point. Not so much what I eat or what I do, it's just gravity and a broken LES. Unfortunately this is my new normal. What really upsets me the most is that 1/3 of the population has this problem. There should be some sort of non pharmaceutical intervention, but 1/3 of the population taking drugs indefinitely is big pharma bucks. It really pisses me off corporate greed over health. I think all pharmaceutical companies should be run by the government and as not for profit models.

 

Until then, I am taking supplements and recently started acupuncture which is having tremendous results with my pain management! I am truly astounded to be honest.

 

Thank you for the advice though, I appreciate it, and be sure it is something I think about often , how upset I am that I am stuck on these nutrient robbing medications!

 

Take care, Alabama.xo

Hi Bama..

It's good to see you back and even WAY better to ad you're at about 70 percent healed and doing well! Thanks for posting your story, thanks for providing hope and thanks for being around.

Moo

( or mom of one )

 

HI MOO!!!!! SO nice to hear from you! I hope you are doing well as well?

 

Howdy!!

Yep, little woozy but nothing too bad, Xs wise.

I'm below 1 mgr right now, Bama! Taking it real slow.

 

Good to see your posts around.

Hi alabama,

 

I am so sorry you have to suffer with the LES issue.

I know it is horrible for so many out there and I have read all about it because I believe my mom has it.

Flushing the liver and getting rid of any pathogens living in the GI is key IMHO.

 

However, these psych meds can cause issues to the vagus nerve and can cause improper relaxation of the spincters.

H.Pylori can cause it too.

With LES issues, the acid gases float up the throat even to the sinuses that cause many of the chronic coughing, poor swallowing and chest pains in my mom, so I use fennel to get rid of the gas and moonshine bitters and/or sodium alginate. I also, have her suck on DGL and slippery elm lozenges and sometimes used bentonite clay.

 

The sodium alginate (active ingredient in Gaviscon) makes a raft on top of the acid to keep it from rising especially at night.

http://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pubmed/10848650

 

There are some exercises on youtube showing how to help a hiatal hernia.

https://www.youtube.com/results?search_query=hiatal+hernia+exercise

My mom's digestion is getting better and better, but it is a hard long road to get there.

 

It's just info I thought you might be interested in, so don't worry if you feel it would hurt my feelings to ignore it.

I am with you and support what ever you feel best doing.

Be well and I pray you get that 100% soon!

 

Hi alabama,

 

I am so sorry you have to suffer with the LES issue.

I know it is horrible for so many out there and I have read all about it because I believe my mom has it.

Flushing the liver and getting rid of any pathogens living in the GI is key IMHO.

 

However, these psych meds can cause issues to the vagus nerve and can cause improper relaxation of the spincters.

H.Pylori can cause it too.

With LES issues, the acid gases float up the throat even to the sinuses that cause many of the chronic coughing, poor swallowing and chest pains in my mom, so I use fennel to get rid of the gas and moonshine bitters and/or sodium alginate. I also, have her suck on DGL and slippery elm lozenges and sometimes used bentonite clay.

 

The sodium alginate (active ingredient in Gaviscon) makes a raft on top of the acid to keep it from rising especially at night.

http://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pubmed/10848650

 

There are some exercises on youtube showing how to help a hiatal hernia.

https://www.youtube.com/results?search_query=hiatal+hernia+exercise

My mom's digestion is getting better and better, but it is a hard long road to get there.

 

It's just info I thought you might be interested in, so don't worry if you feel it would hurt my feelings to ignore it.

I am with you and support what ever you feel best doing.

Be well and I pray you get that 100% soon!

 

Thanks!

Update: The acupuncture has been amazing. Really tremendous. I had done it before years ago, for injuries and it worked well. But I was afraid to go back, thinking my nervous system was too delicate and it would get worse. But my family doctor recommended it and it has been transformative. I see a Japanese acupuncturist whereas before I went to see a Chinese one. They treat much differently and apparently I respond much better to the Japanese style.

 

I hardly had any PMS this month except for my wicked headaches and he stopped my back pain/muscle immediately for a good 3 days. It has returned a bit but only a third of what it was. I go once a week. My energy levels lifted as well, which was two things that really weren;t improving, muscle pain and my energy levels.

 

But the greates side effect is that my stomach and reflux is amazing! I have been able to stop my night time reflux medication after only two visits! I haven't taken a pill in 5 days!! I am off to another treatment today...wish me luck!

 

Take care, Bama.xoxo