My personal hell!

Good day to all!  Im new, i had been on several benzo's for 16 months; past 7 months valium tapered to 14.5mg from 30mg.  I was seriously sick was in and out of the hospital 12 times in last year!! Lost alot of wieght 40 pounds and finally decided enough is enough.  I paid thousands of dollars to go into a private 12 day detox facility to ween off the rest, now  a week out of detox and i am in seriously bad shape!  my legs and arms are very weak can barely walk and write, head feels "full" head nerve pain, distorted vision, body feels like its swaying even when sitting, no sleep,  stomach tightness- pain- acid reflux- chest pain, panic attacks- lumbar numbness- finally shakes and tremors.  Spoke to my my doctor yesterday over the phone, he said he has never seen a patient like me before react to benzos this way and that i am "1 in a million".  I now believe that he believes im nuts! Im not nuts but i am truly scared and am wondering if this is all can be from the valium.  I also know that i cannot go back  to that drug, it has taken my life from me and i never want to put another pill or for that matter another drug in my body again. I have lost trust in phsches and doctors. I went in 16 months ago complaining for  head nerve pain, tingling and head aches and 16 months later come out feeling near death.  I am praying  very hard to make it through another day, but every day seems to be getting worse.  Any advise and comment would be greatly appreciated.

Hang in there, JXS! Someone will be along to help. In the meantime is there anyway you can reinstate and do a slow taper down?

 

rufus

 

Can you tell us which benzos you were on and for what reasons? Did the detox help at all? What were the 12 hospitalizations for? What are your symptoms now? I am sorry you feel this way the good news is its not permanent

Hi JXS,

 

Welcome to BenzoBuddies!!

 

It almost sounds like you are allergic to benzos being so sick with them and hospitalized 12 times?? Some people do reach tolerance to them rather quickly and become ill from taking them. We advocate a slow and steady taper from benzos and not the detox method. I would highly recommend that you read The Ashton Manual and also recommend perhaps your doctor read it to become familiar with benzo use and benzo withdrawal. There are some people that do not have any problems stopping benzos and then there are those of "us" that do. Here is the link to the manual.... http://www.benzo.org.uk/manual/index.htm

 

The only thing that can heal you is time. There are no magic cures from benzo withdrawal symptoms. We have many sub boards that deal with some of symptoms and ways to manage them. You can find them on the General Withdrawal Support board.

 

I would also consider recommending a reinstatement and then a slow taper but you mentioned how sick you were from the taper so I don't see that as an option??

 

Others will be by to share their experiences with you.

 

T2

Hi JXS,

 

Since you have only been off one week, I had wondered the same thing, about reinstating and doing a slow, sane taper.

 

I unfortunately cold-turkey'd off Klonopin per my doctor's advice after 8 years on.  I am 7 months out now and while the first four months were quite hard, I think I may have been spared the suffering that many who cold-turkey suffer.  

 

I understand completely how you feel about never wanting to take another pill and about your distrust of your doctors.  I feel the same way.  And to tell you the truth, had I been able to reinstate back in October I probably would have (I found Ashton and other info too late too reinstate).  But sometimes I wonder if it isn't a "pay now or pay later" proposition. I'm just not certain.

 

Cold-turkey's can have much worse outcomes than mine.  And you still are in the window to reinstate, I believe.  The moderators and others will be along to provide more information.  Good luck!

I was on xanax. .5 for one month got realy sick of it, i was then switched to .5mg clonazepam in April 08 lasted worked for several weeks then took a turn for the worse, i was in an out of the hopsitals for various reasons ie., chest pain, head pain, stomach, severe vertigo etc.... was on that until hospital stay in nov 08 and switched again to diazepam 30mg and told to taper.  Made it until May freinds and family were seriously concerned after i ended up in hospital with PVC (irregular heart beat).  Doctor advised i get off meds because it was "toxic".  I then went to detox got out one week ago.  Currently having very bad stomach tightness and pains,  "swaying" feeling, distorted vision, can barely stand up and walk, legs and arms are very weak. Also tight band around head and left calf leg.  Is this all post acute withdrawal?  I talked to my family and mentioned re-instatement and they flipped big time.  They told me that if i go back to drug that was killing me they would not want any part of that.  They are willing to stand by my post acute, which i am thankful but they cannot imagine the pain i am in. I want to be strong and continue this fight but i have been doing it now for almost a year and a half and franlkly i am TIRED!!!  I want this to end either way i just want peace.

Hi,  I understand that you do not want to reinstate after your experiences.  And I hear your desire for peace.  Slowly and steadily I believe that you will improve. 

 

Support your healing as much as possible, by eating regular, frequent meals... drinking plenty of water..... avoiding sugar, caffeine and alcohol... avoid any supplements/vitamins that flare up your symptoms..... exercise a little every day..... begin to learn practices that will help your body to relax such as meditation..... and techniques such as mindfulness and CBT that will help you to manage any anxiety..... sleep and rest as much as you can.

 

Your family's support is wonderful.  Make the most of all the pluses in your life and you will begin to feel better.  Sometimes a daily journal will be helpful for you to look back on since recovery can be hard to measure.  I try to imagine that each symptom is a sign of healing. I wish you the best of luck! 

Hi JXS,

 

Is this all post acute withdrawal?

 

Yes, unfortunately it is.    You are really between a rock and a hard place.  Since you were so sick on the meds I don't know that it would benefit you to reinstate.  And reinstating doesn't always work.

 

When you compare being on the drugs to being off which one is worse?  You may have to look it at that way in order for you make a decision.  You can be sick on the drugs or you can be sick off them, either way it's hell but when you are off your body is healing.  That's the only plus I could find while suffering through wd.

 

Only you can know what do here.  Your family and friends have no idea the suffering you are going through, it's not something they can imagine or you can explain.  You are going to have to make your decision for you.

 

We're here for you either way.  If you decide to reinstate and need a tapering schedule you can get that here.  If you decide to ride it out you'll find all kinds of support here.

 

Good Luck,

Tropicalsoul

 

 

Hi JXS, welcome to BenzoBuddies.

 

I'm sorry to hear how hard this is. Doing a detox program like that can be a very cruel experience.

It seems like you want to stick it out. It's a hard decision and you'll be supported either way. Just weigh the options, your still in the time frame to reinstate if you decided to.

Either way you'll come out on the other side. It takes time and patience and alot of babying yourself but your going to heal.

 

Keep us posted!

 

Amanda 

Hi jxs I am so sorry you are suffering. Did they give you anything or any tips to help w withdrawal in detox. I also have problems w tackycardia a fast heartbeat even in withdrawal.although in tolerance it was worse! Did they give you any meds for it? I have inderal to be taken as needed. When you were in the hospital was it the medical hospital or psych hospital.reason I ask is bc I was in medical hospital and they could never figure out it was all withdrawal! I am sorry this is so hard right now my family too told me they didn't want me on klonapin when they took me off and switched me for three days. Then they realized how much sicker I would be if I didn't stay on it and properly taper even tho the med was making me sick! And still is! Its a lose lose situation. Good news is its not permanent

Thanks to all that have replied, i greatly appreciate your responses!!!  Detox was bad i thought going into my 8th day i would lose it,  the techs did not see me for hours and found me pacing in the bathroom at that point i remember praying to god that i would not lose it.  I did make it and am still here, i look at it as a miracle that i am here today, i just need to make it minute by minute  i pray for relief and hopefuly some will come. My withdrawal seems very extreme, has anyone ever heard of my symptoms?

Thanks to all that have replied, i greatly appreciate your responses!!!  Detox was bad i thought going into my 8th day i would lose it,  the techs did not see me for hours and found me pacing in the bathroom at that point i remember praying to god that i would not lose it.  I did make it and am still here, i look at it as a miracle that i am here today, i just need to make it minute by minute  i pray for relief and hopefuly some will come. My withdrawal seems very extreme, has anyone ever heard of my symptoms?

 

Hi JXS,

 

You need to read The Ashton Manual found here.....  http://www.benzo.org.uk/manual/index.htm

 

Here is a list of possible withdrawal symptoms found in Chapter 3 of the manual.....

 

Individual symptoms, their causes and how to deal with them

    Insomnia, nightmares, sleep disturbance

    Intrusive memories

    Panic attacks

    Generalised anxiety, panics and phobias

    Psychological techniques

    Complementary medicine techniques

    Exercise and other techniques

    Sensory hypersensitivity

    Depersonalisation, derealisation

    Hallucinations, illusions, perceptual distortions

    Depression, aggression, obsessions

    Muscle symptoms

    Bodily sensations

    Heart and lungs

    Problems with balance

    Digestive problems

    Immune system

    Endocrine problems

    Fits, convulsions

 

 

 

Yes we all have! They took you off a hefty amount of valium in 12 days! No wonder you were pacing. I remember pacing like that when they cold turkeyed me off lexapro omg it was horrible.but now doing a sensible taper I am still suffering but not nearly as bad as those pacing days! I wonder why they put you on 30 mg of valium if you we're only on .5 of klon seems like a lot more. You will def get your life back.how old are you? You will have a full life ahead of you

Actually, your symptoms are quite common for benzo wd.    And it will get better but it's going to take some time.

 

Have you read the Ashton Manuel?  It's a great source of information and gives a list of wd symptoms.  I find it's easier if I know what to expect and what is normal.  What you are going through is normal.  Unbelievable, huh?

I turned 36 on May 5th, and hope for the best.  I want to reply to an earlier question.  I went into a regular ER each time and currently am not taking any other medication with the exception of omeg 3 and occasional Ecotrin.

 

Did they ever keep you in the hospital? Each time I went they would send me home and have no clue what was happening.I was so frustrated!!! In the er they wanted to give me more benzos! Wow it was crazy. Can you relate to that? Maybe you came off everything to quick and just need to go back on and slowly taper.

They kept me in the hospital several times for heart test, and would run test for other symptoms, but each time everything would come back "normal".  Very frustating indeed, its as if you want them to find something wrong so they won't think your nuts.  But on the last trip to the hospital the Dr. who i have seen many times told me she believed the medication was the cause for all my grief.  Even told me that at the rate i was going i would be a skeleton.  I weighed a very muscular and healthy 196 pounds at the beginning of taking benzo and currently weigh 153.  I f**cking shame.  I dont even leave the house anymore, really insane!    :

 

Omg our stories sound too similiar!! I weighed 107 lbs always been small now I weigh 94 lbs!!! I can't afford to loose anymore but who knows I might still loose some more! Did you eat at all? I couldn't but now I can and have been trying to gain weight and just can't! You must forced yourself to eat what you can. All my heart tests were normal too but they did tell me I have supraventricular tackycardia. I must say the beta blocker although I'm not taking it now really helps. Also w anxiety. Getting out is really important. It keeps me sane to just force myself to be out of my "dungeon". Walks can help. But again you came off quickly and I'm not sure if you plan to reinstate. Its a scary thing really. I hope I don't have to go back to the hospital at any point. It was traumatizing there. Where do you live maybe you can find a benzo wise dr where you live. You need support. I rely heavily on my fiance and friends and mother. I think this is all scary and overwhelming but if you have support and hope you can do it. People get their lives back after being on it for many years

 

Also what did they give you in detox? Any other meds?

I live ioutside of Orlando Fl..  I try and eat what i can.  Right now i walked aroung the house and my head and legs feel like a ton of weights, my stomach is killing me, i am wondering if im going to make it until 2morrow because right now it doesnt seem like a reality.  I finally got eight hours sleep last night after 3 weeks of insomnia and i actually thought i would feel better 2 day, man was i wrong.

 

Did they give you this fluezamil (not sure how to spell it) in detox. I know that can be rough on some people.

They gave me thorizine the last 2 days to help me sleep made me have crazy dreams when i could sleep which wasnt much maybe 2 to 3 hours.  

 

But what type of detox would pull you off that much valium in 12 days?

W out any help. Meaning they just took you off cold turkey!? That's seems cruel after you paid thousand of dollars

They would give me a  red "punch" every four hours for 12 days until the morning i left.  In the punch i heard that they used ativan.

 

So they cold turkeyed you off ativan and valium! Jeez no wonder you feel so sick! I am so sorry.