3 Years Out - Reflective Ramblings

So it's been 3 years since my last dose, and while I still have some symptoms:  tinnitus, heart palps, oversensitivity to light and sound, and more....I feel like I'm finally starting to feel things lift a bit.

 

I'm starting to get a clearer sense of who I am and where I used to be.  When I was deep in the middle of the benzo beast the most troubling thing was that I lost my sense of true self...I had no identity, it was like my soul was gone.

 

Now I am starting to feel that life energy come back into balance and my biochemical structures are starting to realign themselves with my center, and sense of reality.

 

I can't believe how much I was disconnected from everything before.  I always had this sense that nothing fit together, that everything was out of place and disjointed from one another.  I would always find my mind focusing on the strangest things, very bizarre thoughts and disturbing imagery and the over identification with these thoughts is what drove me insane.

 

That's the worst part about benzo withdrawal, is the lack of sense of self and the feeling as if you are an imposter in your own skin, and actor in a movie that you didn't create and have no business being in.  I guess after awhile I just kind of got used to feeling that black cloud hanging around, and although I have tried to remain as positive as possible I find myself falling deep into negativity now and again.

 

But a lot of positive things have come out of this experience, and overall I'm glad that I was able to get through it.  For one, I spent the entire duration of my withdrawal (the past 3 years) learning about internet marketing, eCommerce, and SEO and I was able to focus in on that craft and start my own company from scratch.

 

I went from working as a bus boy at a diner making 2.00 an hour to making over 100k online last year, all from the self taught knowlege that I have learned during benzo withdrawal.  The key is that I was able to use my time wisely.  I knew that I had to distract myself from what was happening inside of my mind, so I found online marketing and watched every single YouTube video I could find.  I read every article that I could comprehend with my benzo infested brain and stored up a massive internal library of knowledge on all subjects related to making money online, specifically with eCommerce and SEO. 

 

Now three years later here I sit, the owner of a very profitable web site that will do over 6 figures this year, and most likely over 7 figures in 2016.  Hint: it's in the marijuana niche. 

 

I'm not trying to brag...okay well maybe a little    but the main thing that you should take away from my post is that I was able to flip benzo withdrawal on it's head and steal something from it.  I didn't let it defeat me. 

 

During benzo withdrawal you have an ever increasing tendency to feel like a victim, and if you're not careful you can end up playing into being that victim even more when you start identifying with those ideas, and then it becomes a part of who you are.

 

DON'T EVER IDENTIFY WITH BEING A VICTIM!

 

Take this situation and use it to your advantage any way you can.  Use the time wisely to learn new things so that once you are fully recovered you will have a brand new life waiting for you.

 

This is a transitional phase in life, one that you should be happy to go through.

 

One, dare I say, that you are indeed LUCKY to go through!

 

Not everyone gets to experience such a personal metamorphasis such as this, so you should be GRATEFUL that you are going through this unique experience that will eventually make you a stronger and more caring person.

 

A person who sees life for the fragile and beautiful thing that it really is.

 

A person who really UNDERSTANDS what it means to be a human, alive on this planet.

 

A person who APPRECIATES life and every living thing in it.

 

A person of CHARACTER.

 

Yes.

 

Benzo withdrawal builds character, but only if you rise above it without letting it snatch your pride, your dignity.

 

DON'T LET BENZO WITHDRAWAL SNATCH YOUR SOUL!

 

Protect it.  Nourish it.  and you will Flourish gracefully into a new reality where you will become a brand new individual capable of achieving anything that they wish.

 

BELIEVE IT.  Because it's true.

 

I'm living proof that benzo withdrawal can be beaten.

 

It's only chemicals, and you can inject your own chemicals into the mix by creating new neurological signals through positive neuro linguistic programming and listening to positive, motivating messages.

 

This is KEY!

 

Benzo Withdrawal is time for self discovery.  Don't miss this amazing opportunity to discover how powerful you really are.  How much you can really take.  How much you can mentally and physically endure.

 

You must endure the pain.  You must master your pain, be more powerful than your pain.  Feel the pain and know that one day it will be gone and success will take it's place.  Pain is simply the other side of pleasure.  Through advanced mental alchemical processes and extreme self discipline you can transmute pain into pleasure just as I have done.

 

Embrace the pain.  Overcome this challenge and transform yourself into a brand new individual capable of so much more.

 

Think of it this way:

 

"Only a soldier can endure this particular brand of pain.  If you survive this, you are built for war....and nothing can stop you."

 

Benzo withdrawal survivors are born again, rigidly defined individuals of a different type of character that is invincible and indestructable.

 

No other set of life circumstances could have lead you down this path to produce the person that you are now in the process of becoming.  A 100% fully unique person with a novel and intellectual outlook on reality that nobody else will ever be able to fully duplicate.  You are in the process of being forged into something unimaginable that you cannot currently comprehend.  Something that you will one day evolve into and then, only then will you finally understand.

 

Don't force it, don't rush it.  Don't miss this opportunity to pay the price, to make the sacrifice and become what you truly are.

 

You are shedding the false skin of who you once were to become a new being risen from the ashes, reborn as a Phoenix bathed in self actualizing intellectualism and spirituality. 

 

So now...it's your turn to take the test.  your turn to face the crucible.

 

who will you now become?

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Congratulations Man

i am also trying to do not waste my time now

and get my life back

 

i am only 5 months off

but i do feel miles away from where i was in my taper

 

i really enjoyed reading your Success Story

 

peace

vasilisa-cat

Recovery is temporary, your achievements are permanent. Congrats on the business, that's absolutely astounding.

Woow , what a fantastic post!! Thank you, thank you very much for your wonderful words, and congratulations!! I am 32 months out, and I felt completely identified. Yes, I agree with you in everything.. I start to feel the strength you ´re talking about...Yes, I can feel there is a new beginning: or better than this. I can feel than I am so much stronger, intelligent and sensible than the period pre-benzos!! Thanks again!!!

Wow your post is very profound.  It is injected with insight and hope and even in my cold little soul i can almost imagine what it feels like to finally reach such a milestone.  My hat's off to you!!

 

I did have a question scream out to me when i was reading.  It was 'how the heck did u excel when you can barely keep your eyes open from fatigue and when even a little flighty bird outside the window can redirect your attention?'  My high cortisol just doesnt seem to allow me to push past my limits.

I agree on the self-discovery. Without the withdrawal and recovery, I would have still been reckless, not with drugs, but with my overall health, both physical and nutritional wise. Now I eat right, and I don't take things for granted. Also, it's damn hard not to give in to the evil guide..but I do it, I rise above and I do what I believe is right, whether it seems fake or not. I also built a damn strong bond with my mom, she says its the silver lining of this bull  , and I gained some hobbies and now avoid people who do drugs, whether they're good people or not. I'll give them the help they need, they can call me anytime, but sorry, we're not besties anymore. I was always the rational one, they were emotional, or physical, we were all guided by evil but strived to be above it but it seems as if I'm the only one who notices the effects and cares about it. The Scorpio doesn't notice the effect and you can see him rirsing above his evil emotions, the physical, Aries, you can see him trying to be nice but you can just see the dickhead that the Beno's made him, and for me, I just think evil, but I rationalize and do what's right. That's why I was always considered good, I always had a control over it. Did give me hella anxiety trying to not let people notice my dark thoughts haha.

Wow your post is very profound.  It is injected with insight and hope and even in my cold little soul i can almost imagine what it feels like to finally reach such a milestone.  My hat's off to you!!

 

I did have a question scream out to me when i was reading.  It was 'how the heck did u excel when you can barely keep your eyes open from fatigue and when even a little flighty bird outside the window can redirect your attention?'  My high cortisol just doesnt seem to allow me to push past my limits.

 

honestly I don't know.  I mean it's not all as glamorous as I may have made it sound.

 

I had no idea what I was doing with accounting so I owe a lot of back taxes.

 

I would attribute my success to simply taking small action steps each day towards learning some new piece of knowledge and then testing it out for myself.

 

I would constantly freak out and get upset over small things, but I just kept going and kept listening to motivational videos on YouTube on repeat.  One guy I highly recommend his videos MateusZ m on YouTube.  I listened to those videos until they were burned into my subconscious mind and it actually helped block out the insane benzo brain because the benzo brain will either generate it's own crazy material or be fed by material that you choose to give it.

 

If you provide the base foundational information in the form of positive motivating messages then that will be what is stuck on your head on repeat and somehow you will be able to make some sense amongst the mental madness.

 

Anyway, that's what worked for me.

 

here's the link:

 

🌷Thank you for this wonderful post.  I just posted my success story and tried to put into words how I was feeling and how I  want to go forward into my new life.  I am changed.  I am not a victim anymore and I have dropped the hatred of the doctors who made me one.  I have taken control my health, my future.  I am facing my golden years now and going Forward with great joy and appreciation.  Perhaps we all need a kick in the rear at some point in our lives, no matter how young or old, to grow and learn.  It's just a shame for most of us here in BB that It had to be so painful and so severe.

 

Good luck and best wishes, 🎀Galea

Hello Hindsight

Sincerely, I´ve read your post again Today, and I´ve found very inspirational. And most interesting is all the story is told without expressing the slightest resentment towards the medical class.

If you don´t mind, I´d like to know: how is your ability to interact socially? Did you regain your creativity? (the last two points seem to be a bit far to me)

 

Thanks again and congratulations.

Hello Hindsight

Sincerely, I´ve read your post again Today, and I´ve found very inspirational. And most interesting is all the story is told without expressing the slightest resentment towards the medical class.

If you don´t mind, I´d like to know: how is your ability to interact socially? Did you regain your creativity? (the last two points seem to be a bit far to me)

 

Thanks again and congratulations.

 

Socially I'm still a bit stand offish and can only take a certain amount of external stimulation before I become overwhelmed.  Large crowds are definitely a no no and loud, obnoxious people are simply draining.

 

But overall doing pretty good, especially with 1 on 1 personal convos.

 

As far as creativity, it's definitely starting to resurface as I'm able to type legible articles now, whereas before I was compiling complete jibberish, as none of my sentences would connect and I would lose a thought mid sentence.

 

That still happens now again, like just up there in that previous paragraph ^^...

 

but not I don't stay lost, and it's like I can easily pick my train back up and put it on the track again...not get lost in a ditch on the side of the road.

 

but yea, gradually returning.

Wow  :clap: :clap: I'm so happy for you!!! It's so good to read so much positivity about the unfortunate circumstance of benzo withdrawal. Talk about making lemonade!!! Thank you for sharing your incredibly inspirational story!!

 

 

So now...it's your turn to take the test.  your turn to face the crucible.

 

who will you now become?

 

A person who respects myself and others. 

Yours is a very powerful and understandable story.

I LOVED this and your whole post....It's only chemicals, and you can inject your own chemicals into the mix by creating new neurological signals through positive neuro linguistic programming and listening to positive, motivating messages.

 

This really reminded me again, that YES, it really is all chemicals and there are many things we CAN do, while our brain is healing to foster the repair and create new chemicals that will get us healed and thru it! I DO NOT allow any negative thoughts to overtake me anymore and that has changed everything for me 

Thank you...

 

 

 

Hindsight!  What a great, great success story.  Yes, withdrawal has changed me, too, in ways I never dreamed possible.  And not done yet.  Thanks for such a well written, insightful story.  Hoping you make a lotta money in that interesting new industry.

***6 Year Update***

 

It has now been roughly 6 years since I took my last klonopin dose on 06/22/12 and I can say that back when I wrote this post in 2015 I was not fully healed, although I had made some significant strides since the beginning.

 

I feel like I delayed my healing a lot by still drinking alcohol and messing with too many GABA antagonists while I was still in recovery.

 

I was taking kava, Gabatrol, phenibut, drinking alcohol, and smoking marijuana.

 

I'm still smoking marijuana and I'm finally experiencing a real window - like where I thought I was healed before, I'm twice as healed now and have twice as much feeling back in my body.

 

There really are levels to benzo withdrawal and healing...it really is just patience.

 

6 years, wow!  what a nightmare, and what a journey. 

 

It's unbelievable that it took so long but considering that I was on benzos for nearly 15 years straight at super high dosages makes sense that I would have to deal with a lengthy 6 year withdrawal.

 

I feel like mine could have been cut down to 4 - 5 if I had not blasted my GABA receptors with so much excess chemical stimulation.

 

Time really is the only cure.

 

Although I have been supplementing with Lithium Oratate lately as well so maybe that has rebalanced some of my GABA activity.

 

Who knows.

 

To all who still struggle: You will win in the end!

***6 Year Update***

 

It has now been roughly 6 years since I took my last klonopin dose on 06/22/12 and I can say that back when I wrote this post in 2015 I was not fully healed, although I had made some significant strides since the beginning.

 

I feel like I delayed my healing a lot by still drinking alcohol and messing with too many GABA antagonists while I was still in recovery.

 

I was taking kava, Gabatrol, phenibut, drinking alcohol, and smoking marijuana.

 

I'm still smoking marijuana and I'm finally experiencing a real window - like where I thought I was healed before, I'm twice as healed now and have twice as much feeling back in my body.

 

There really are levels to benzo withdrawal and healing...it really is just patience.

 

6 years, wow!  what a nightmare, and what a journey. 

 

It's unbelievable that it took so long but considering that I was on benzos for nearly 15 years straight at super high dosages makes sense that I would have to deal with a lengthy 6 year withdrawal.

 

I feel like mine could have been cut down to 4 - 5 if I had not blasted my GABA receptors with so much excess chemical stimulation.

 

Time really is the only cure.

 

Although I have been supplementing with Lithium Oratate lately as well so maybe that has rebalanced some of my GABA activity.

 

Who knows.

 

To all who still struggle: You will win in the end!

 

thank you for your original post which was inspiring,

 

and thanks for the update and the further insights 

 

Very helpful.

 

:smitten:

Has your tinnitus improved any? I had T before WD but it is worse now. I hope after WD it calms back down but it worries me.

Amazing. I too have built an online business through all of this. It's also quite successful. Congrats! I'm still working on my healing. Same for me too, learned everything I could through you tube.

Hey, I'm glad you're finally experiencing a window, keep us updated.