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More Evidence: We all heal! Ready to live again after 21 months.


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I am well. Completely well.

 

Great.

Except, I’m lying.

As I first write this, anyway.

I’m watching myself nail this down on faith alone that, by the time you read these words, they’ll be true.

 

These are the opening lines of the memoir I wrote during withdrawal—Accidental  Addict: a Memoir of Pain, Addiction, and Healing….also Marriage, Real Estate, and Cowboy Dancing.  I had planned not to post my success story until I could announce that the book was published and available, but seeing how much encouragement people get from being reminded that we do all heal, it didn’t seem right to withhold and delay my contribution to the hope represented by the success stories on BB.

 

You won’t find my story by searching my posts.  Although I lurked on the BB board for a year and a half, I didn’t formally join and start to post until I was 14 months off of Xanax, felt like I was through the worst of it, and could write encouragingly to others.  This means there are no documented posts of my terrible distress, but trust me, I was there.  Perhaps one reason I delayed signing on is that I was also withdrawing from Oxycodone, and had been eight months clean of that before I realized my  very low dose but five-year use of Xanax might also be giving me problems, and cold-turkeyed that.  Since I never experienced many of the worst symptoms you all have suffered—DP, DR, dizziness etec.—I almost felt like I wasn’t a true benzo buddie.  As the time of my healing stretched out, though, and new symptoms appeared, I realized I really was suffering from benzo withdrawal as well as opioid.

 

I have in common with everyone here the sense of having just survived the absolute more horrific experience of my life.  My healing was entirely of the roller-coaster sort—feeling good enough I could have excitedly written a success story one day, yet was feeling suicidal the next.  I relate to the sense of isolation, the feeling that no one else understands, the appalling slowness of the passing of time, the absolute loss of hope that this will ever end.

 

I joined BB when I took a dramatic turn for the worse at 14 months.  I thought I was almost well, only to be plunged into a solid month of fatigue unlike anything I’d suffered up until that time.  The most helpful thing for me about BB was confirmation of the baffling non-linear nature of this healing.  If I hadn’t been following the stories of others, I’m not sure I could have held fast to the belief that THIS IS JUST WITHDRAWAL AND TIME WILL HEAL ME.

 

I don’t want to write out my whole story here since I worked hard to keep my writing energy focused on my book.  But as far as what helped get me through and find my loved ones still here to welcome me back, here goes:

 

Just before I went off of Xanax, deeply crazed by the effects of opioid withdrawal, I sought a therapist FOR MYSELF.  I could see I was being the Bitch of the World, and I needed help in coping with this in a way that would keep it from being any harder on my family than it had to be.

 

Skeptical of the medical system that had put me in this position, I avoided doctors.  I did not chase down each bizarre symptom or go looking for the magic medicine that must surely be out there.  I just told myself it was withdrawal and promised myself that if any one weird symptom remained after everything else was gone, then and only then would I seek further testing.  I figured, why put myself through the stress of arguing with doctors, insisting that yes, I was still suffering the effects of post acute withdrawal syndrome?

 

I ate a healthy diet and exercised when I could, which in the past seven months hasn’t been much.

 

I didn’t worry about supplements.  I drank my usual coffee.  I enjoyed my one glass of wine a day until a fellow BB suggested it might be delaying my healing.  I knocked it off for two months recently, but when it didn’t seem to be making any difference, I went back to my routine.  I did decide to try kefir.  Don’t know if it helped, but it seems healthy and I like it, so that’s a new part of my routine.

 

Over a year ago I put myself on what I call the No Plans Plan.  Cancelled everything on my calendar and refused to put anything new on it.  Other BBs seem to do better trying to keep up with regular life, but for me, once I realized how sick I was, turning into a recluse on sick leave seemed like the best idea.  I gave up so long ago caring what anybody else thinks about what’s going on with me, that when I read somebody’s post being concerned about this, I’m like, Wow, they’re still worrying about that?  Give it up!  The world doesn’t understand. They think we’re nutcases.  The only way to prove them wrong is to get fully well and reappear.

 

I have listened to Belleruth Naparstek's CD called Anger & Forgiveness hundreds of times.  I had so much anger to deal with, and this elegantly written meditation helped calm my brain.

 

So now I really am well.  I sleep through the night. I eat what I want and my stomach feels fine.  I’m not anxious.  I’m not depressed.  Actually, I’m filled with the purest joy.  My memory is better than ever.  And I thought I was just getting old!  Best of all, I have ENERGY again.  When you’re lying there day after day thinking surely you must have contracted chronic fatigue syndrome, it’s easy to start wondering if the miracle of energy is just something you imagined in the distant past, something that will not be a part of your future.

 

I hope the long timeline of my healing will not frighten anyone.  I was 61 when I went into this, 64 coming out, and I’m afraid I feel it probably does take those of us who are older a bit longer to heal.  Also, remember that my brain had a double whammy of three months of Oxycodone after knee replacement surgery.  Reading the BB stories of kindling made me wonder if that was part of my problem too.  I was first prescribed Xanax for a 12-day trip to China and was thoroughly hooked in that short time.  Recovering from that was bad enough that it scared me off of it for awhile until I started taking a very small dose just a few times a week to sleep.  I thought I was being so careful, but perhaps in spite of this, I kindled.

 

In a weird way, I’m glad I had trouble with opioids, because if it weren’t for that, I probably would have continued with Xanax indefinitely, never realizing that the issues that were beginning to crop up for me were no doubt Xanax tolerance related.

 

I will come back and let people know when my memoir is available.  For now, here are the final lines of my manuscript.

 

      Is there any hope of prescribing doctors  trying to imagine going through withdrawal themselves?

 

      It’s like this:  You’ll live through the next two years depressingly sick in mind and body.  You’ll have the occasional good day, climbing a rung or two of the ladder, but when you slide down yet another chute, your damaged  brain will never be able to remember the feeling of those better days, or imagine the possibility of any more of them in the future.  Instead, with horrifying relentlessness, you’ll keep hearing your own mind’s morbid suggestion: You’re a ridiculously sick person and you’re never going to get well. Ever. Why don’t you just give up and kill yourself?

Only don’t. 

Try to stay alive. 

How hard can that be?

Hard, as it turns out.  Appallingly hard.

If someone you love is going through this, try to be patient.  Try to be kind.  Hold that poor soul close. Read some material that helps explain what your loved one is trying to endure.  If the whole thing baffles you, remind yourself how lucky you are that it does. Please forgive them for their inability to adequately convey to you the true horror of their mental state.  When they use the word hell, believe them.

If it’s you, my friend, hang on for dear life.

Your miraculous brain wants to heal.  It’s trying.  Have faith.  Don’t succumb to the assurance of an immediate but temporary fix of the very drugs that brought you to this point in the first place.  Be strong.  Wait it out.  Live through this and someday—please believe it—you will be well.

        I am, now. 

        I am truly well.

        When I first wrote these words as a goal rather than a statement of fact, I had no idea what a horrifying trip this would be, how long it would take before I could honestly make this claim.

        But how amazing, to wake up one glorious morning after another with this luminous glow of optimism buzzing through every vibrant fiber of my being.

        You know what it feels like?

        It feels like an invitation to leave behind this long, dim, twilight of an existence and come out into the light.

        It feels like permission—finally—to go ahead and live.

 

                                              Hang in there, buddies!

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

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You’re a ridiculously sick person and you’re never going to get well. Ever. Why don’t you just give up and kill yourself?

Only don’t. 

Try to stay alive. 

How hard can that be?

Hard, as it turns out.  Appallingly hard.

If someone you love is going through this, try to be patient.  Try to be kind.  Hold that poor soul close. Read some material that helps explain what your loved one is trying to endure.  If the whole thing baffles you, remind yourself how lucky you are that it does. Please forgive them for their inability to adequately convey to you the true horror of their mental state.  When they use the word hell, believe them.

If it’s you, my friend, hang on for dear life.

 

 

Nailed it… this brought tears to my eyes for all of us and our families.

Eloquently said, and congrats on an amazing recovery!

 

Challis  :highfive:

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I am well. Completely well.

 

Great.

Except, I’m lying.

 

This part had me skimming down to the bottom to make sure you wouldn't give me an anxiety attack haha

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Sorry, Love!  But you get the idea, right? that I started the book knowing the happy ending I was working towards?  I actually write my novels that way, too. :D
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It was perfect :) One question! Everything from your childhood comes back, correct? Memories and such, as well as your beautiful ability to learn??
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Yes, Love, I believe it all comes back.  One day I sat down at the piano.  I hadn't played in almost twenty years, back to when I had brushed up my skills to play accompaniment for my kids when they were trying out for theatre roles.  I was astonished to find I could still play!  It was such a great surprise I started crying.  I feel like my mind is coming back to a point BEFORE I ever started taking Xanax.  The stuff is flat out bad for your brain.  I read another of your posts and saw that you're just 21 and got into this partying around, right?  Sweetie, don't do that anymore, okay?  I'm hoping my own kids got a good lesson from watching what I've gone through and will never consider messing with this stuff recreationally.
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Mmhmm, I've drank on Xanax as well..alot...I have my regrets, but I also am glad I got the stupid stuff out of my system. One thing they should teach to kids since it's 2015, don't do drugs, any kind of drugs. I was taught, of course with the "don't do drugs" but the specifics were always those hardcore drugs, so when I was around these other things, I thought what harm could be done if you don't get into it and just do it every once in a while during your younger days. Derp haha, I just want to be me again, and be me who's 22. Not a hurt 21 year me and definitely not a hurt 30, 40, etc year me. I could play clarinet and piano as well :) Guitar just the typical songs but to me, those are just muscle memories, I want to be that intelligent, absorbing, reckless kid that I was but no longer reckless of course haha. (Actually, I'm still reckless. When I get off the freeway, I choose the fast traffic merge that's closer to home rather than the calming exit before that involves hill..I don't know...I couldn't decide then finally when it came to having to make a decision, I had to do the one that pushed me, but no drugs! and I do love horror movies while in recovery haha, never will we have a chance to be this scared from a movie)
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FJ63,

 

Well how about that, you've posted your success story.  So amazing.  So really, fantastically, terrifically great.

 

I am ao very happy for you, I could jump up and down a million times and still not express how over the moon I am for you and for your loved ones.

 

What a long, long haul.  You've been a voice of reason and strength on these boards.  Calm and tough, in a good way.  I so admire your grit and determination and well, here you are, pretty much good to go!

 

I'm just a bit before you but I can tell you that there are no limits.  What your brain told you in withdrawal?  Lies.  Crappy, benzo lies.  You have the rest of your life to do whatever you set your heart on, sprinkle magic and love around the universe and get the word out to those unsuspecting victims still out there.  There is so much good for you to go forth and do and this is just so positively wonderful.  Not enough superlatives!

 

Thanks so much for all your encouragement.  I'm in the same head space - ready to rocket.  Feeling there are simply no boundaries now that I'm getting well.  Turning the corner, everything seems just so full of possibilities.

 

I'm first in line to buy your book when it comes out.  You've done it.  So great, so great, so great!

 

Right there with you,

 

:smitten: :smitten: :smitten: :smitten: :smitten: :smitten: :smitten: :smitten: :smitten:

 

SeekingSanity

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Hey, pal, just love that we hit this place at the same time to share the euphoria! :smitten:  Everybody else--there's no reason you can't be at this point too someday.  SS and I have been two very sick women....but now we're not.  Woo hoo!
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Hello

Thanks so much for writing your inspiring story.

I wish you much happiness.

it's so good to read these success stories and it really helps so much.

Lib  :thumbsup:

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Finally Joining63

This is just what I needed to read this morning! I am so frustrated and depressed about being in another wave at 20 months.

You have been so helpful to me this spring and I wanted to congratulate you and let you know how much I appreciate your

kind words and encouragement.

You deserve this success and I am very happy for you. I can't wait to read your book. It will be so helpful for us that are still

in the trenches and fighting the fight.

Enjoy your future and family.

 

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Thank you all, and especially XXL OCD.  I've been rooting for you and feel sure at 20 months you're just about to start feeling a whole lot better.  Many people have reported major healing in these months.  When you're feeling so lousy, I know it's hard to believe you can ever feel really well again, but you can and you will, and life will be sweeter than ever before! :smitten:
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Thanks so much for your kind words FinallyJoining63. This means so much to me today.

I'm digging my heels in and restarting my fight today.

I hope you are right and my turn is coming soon.

 

Thanks again....will you still be around here in the future?

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I'm not going anywhere, XXL!  I have a lot of catching up to do in my life that  will definitely involve time away from the BB board, but I can't tear myself completely away until I read the success stories from people like you whose stories I've been following all along.  Hang in.  Seriously, you're almost there. :thumbsup:  Also, you can always PM me.  I don't mind at all reminding you that we do heal and just feel grateful that I can say that so confidently. :D
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Thanks again.....It's good to know someone out there is rooting for me.

Can't wait to write my own success story.

XXL OCD

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There are a lot more good people in the world than confused people and all the good people are rooting for you :)
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Thank you so much.

Very very encouraging. Very well written.

Brought tears of happiness.

Cud relate to it so well.

 

 

God blesss.

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Oh my goodness! You are finally done with this? I am so happy for you!

 

You helped me through many a dark day. I am not around here much as I needed  time  away but I was very glad I read this.

 

:) Kate

 

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Yes, Kate, I am well!  It's great.  I haven't forgotten you--nurse who had a flash of feeling well after a lap around the track--and your story and have been wondering how it worked out with your husband being on the Klonopin etc.  I hope the time away from the board has been good for your healing.  There's definitely a lot to be said for doing something positive that moves you forward if you feel well enough to not be tethered to the screen.

 

But please keep me posted how you're doing.  I'm rooting for you.

 

Love,

Linda

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