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Recurring depression based on money - my tale


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I have battled with a few long and awful periods of severe depression, always over the same root cause: money. When the 08/09 recession hit, I watched my investments drop and it felt like a dagger in my brain. Then on the financial recovery, I was too scared to invest, and months later I went through even worse depression over not investing. Note, I'm no wall street banker. It was an important amount of money to me, though.

 

I lost my job a few months ago but was given some time to keep working and look for another job. Basically, I'd get up to 3 months to keep working before I'd be forced out. But the news destroyed me and I got very sick (insomnia, depression, and anxiety disorder). The anxiety was new, I'd never experienced anything quite like it. I ended up being unable to function at work, took a week of sick leave, and after 6 weeks total I resigned to get completely away from the company. Now, I'm still in recovery and am debating if I'm ready to go back to work at a new job.

 

It's hard because after the whole experience I'm dwelling on not trying to get on disability instead of leaving the job, even though I'd been verbally fired already. Once again, a money thing. The thoughts and obsession don't stop, and it's dominating my day. From a practical perspective, getting extra disability money for a couple months wouldn't make or break my life in any way. But it still has this overpowering force on me. I cry and have headaches and my body shakes. I blame myself for not applying. Cycle repeats. The mornings are INSANELY BRUTAL.

 

I believe money symbolizes security and self worth for me. I suffer from a lack of self compassion and self esteem. My confidence, especially after being fired, is really low. So even though I've saved a good amount of money and am well enough off to feel comfortable, I feel like I'm dying when something money-related happens.

 

I still don't know what to do. I've been on lithium for years for bipolar. I'm on lexapro 15mg as of a few months ago and currently trying to taper clonazapem from 0.5mg. I tapered off ambien recently with success. My goal is to just be taking lithium and lexapro and hope to better manage the depression and anxiety. I believe the core issue is depression.

 

I had a job interview yesterday and it's like a switch is flipped and I can focus. I did pretty well, but right after I left I lost it again.

 

I see a psychiatrist and a therapist. The therapist is great but the obsessions and pain don't go away. I know it's a slow process. I also do deep breathing to manage things in the moment. But I still feel about 50% myself. It's been about four months since I got sick. I'm tired of my brain.

 

 

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I think you are right in saying that depression is the root of your problems. All the symptoms you describe are possible with depression, especially the really hard mornings.

 

Getting fired is really hard, though it's been many, many years for me, I remember that awful feeling well. I"m thankful every day that I am self-employed, and not at the whim of some stupid company or boss that hates me. Money=self worth for many people, but depression will make you obsess about stupid things like that to a ridiculous extreme.

 

All I can say at this point is to take care of yourself--it sounds like you are on the right track. Have you looked into a possible support group, say for people who are unemployed? I found them very valuable. Also--get outside every day and get some exercise in the fresh air. Maybe make it a morning routine. The more of your day that is a routine, the less you'll have to think about what to do next and get the energy up.

 

Good luck and hoping you can start to see some daylight soon!

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