The Home Stretch...need a peptalk :)

Hi guys,

 

I haven't posted in a while...which is actually kind of disheartning due to the fact that I haven't felt like doing anything for a while.

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As the subject states, i'm in the home stretch of this whole process...and as fun as it's been I really would like to get it over with. I am down to .5 mg's from 4mg.

 

This is the post that I never thought I'd be writing.....and certainly never wanted to write. In short I kinda need some reassurance that i'm not losing it.

 

I'm paranoid beond belief, very antisocial, dysphoric,...just generally a mess. I havent slept a full night in weeks, feel enraged, guilty, and I have NEVER felt anxiety like this before. I'm embarrassed to tell anyone what's really going on..but everyone's starting to wonder why the former social butterfly, is not hiding from every aspect of his life.

 

The antisocial type symptoms are the hardest for me to deal with. My bread and butter has always been my personality. I feel like I am being stripped of my greatest gift and really wondering where the benzos end and I begin as far as that's concerned. This really has me panicking, i'm constantly wondering if I will indeed get better. Asking myself why I would chose to endure such torture.

 

I suppose I need a pep talk of sorts, I need to know that this does actually get better and all this effort and agony are not in vain. I really don't know how much longer I can keep up this fight without relapsing.

 

Your a very smart crowd...so I welcome any thoughts or suggestions. My deepest most heartfelt gratitude in advance.

Hello JJF,

 

well everything you wrote certainly describes me the last week or more. Only I seem to be having a bi-polar like syndrome. I sure do relate with the feelings of anger, feeling anti-social, dysphoric, and a ton of guilt. But what the heck do we have to be guilty about?? Especially when we're doing the RIGHT thing? So I have to keep asking myself, why I'm sitting here crying for, to snap myself out of it

 

You have come so far, and I sure hope you can see this yourself. And instead of feeling ashamed and wondering why are you puting yourself through all of this, you should stand tall and be so proud for how far you've come!!! You're almost free from this madness, and will never have to think about puting another stupid drug in your body again, to make your mind so messed up as it feels right now. Which is all it is, the drug trying to make you feel all of this insane feelings to try and make you change your mind and start the drugs again. That's all it is, and you are in noway becoming crazy in anyway, but instead you're getting clean and soon this will be all behind you, to say to that beast, HA, I WON, AND I DON'T NEED YOU ANYMORE!!!

 

I again know exactly how you feel, and I'm nowhere near my end, but I've been where you are mentally, and know I still have further to go to keep fighting this beast, oh and blaming it on pharma really helps me to want to beat it even more, so I won't be giving them anymore of my money ever again!!!

 

So I don't know if any of this will help you, but I thought I'd just share a bit of what's going on in this psychotropic head, and maybe you'd see something I said is right

 

Stay strong, try and keep your mind busy with games, movies, or something. I just zone out infront of comedies sometimes, not even paying attention until I'm so bored and then I go and do my meditation hoping it works this night so I can sleep also You can do it!!! You've gotten this far, of course you can

Hi JFF,

 

I don't see a signature line so not sure how much you have been tapering and for how long now?? Things can get more difficult towards the end for some but it is not something that will last forever. I wasn't able to leave the house for two months but totally fine with crowds, shopping and everything.

 

Hang in there, the end is so close and total healing can begin soon!!

 

 

T2

Hi JJF,

 

It does get better, I promise.  I was where you are now but I never once thought of re-instating or taking other meds.  Time DOES heal.  This process does challenge our resolve, that's for sure.  Keep hanging on tight.

 

Patty  xo

Hey JJF,

 

I was wondering where you'd run off to!  Great to see you're down so low! 

 

From my experience so far, the agoraphobia and social anxiety have definitely lightened up.  I still do have some of it occasionally, but at least now I dont' cry not to have to go somewhere!  It will get better for you too!

 

Your gift is still there, and it will be back!   

 

 

Phyllis   

 

 

your almost there!  i completely understand what going on with you.  the same thing happend to me!  i was such the social light, had so many friends and everyone seemed to love my personality and my company. then bam. hide out for 6 months lol.  but yes you will, and i did, get better, and im starting to rebuild that great social life without the benzos. i would say that, i feel almost completely normal now!  keep up the good work and you too will be able to say that you feel normal and back to your old self again! 

Thank you everyone,

 

It's good to know that there are people with whom you really can empathize. I really needed those comments, and they were extremely helpful.

 

Bless you all.....

Hi there,

 

I'm so glad to see you post, I've often wondered about you.  I thought about finding your last posts and jump starting them in hopes you'd reply.  As you can see you've come to the right place for a pep talk, keep coming back!

 

Yeah who are we, where did we go, will we ever come back and if so will we be who we thought we were?  You are who you were, you didn't go anywhere you just took a little break from the pressure of being you and you'll be back even better than before.  I say better because you're going to have your kickin personality, but it will be tinged with a softness of empathy for others.  For those people that you once had little patience for you'll now find yourself drawn to them and them to you.

 

When I was the entertainer of the crowd, I only played to those that shined along with me.  Now, I see the quiet ones and wonder what is going on with them.  You're going to be so well rounded and balanced you'll be amazed.

 

You started so many good things here on BB, I hope you don't mind but I'm going to give them a bump.  Because, even with the pain you were in before you still managed to see the good.  Keep on seeing the good, because that's what you are and that's what you do!

 

Pam

Pam you are far too good for my ego

JJF:

 

Wow - yep I sure can relate myself.  And Pam - what a beautiful, beautiful thing you wrote!  I love that - JJF (we) will still have the kickin personality but it will be tinged with a softness of empathy for others.  This is one big, big reason we are going through this, as hard as it is to see whilst in the throes of anxiety and wretchedness.  Jumpin', sounds like you have made it over some tremendous hurdles just to get to this point (well duh! - you would have had to from where you started - we all do 'cause it's benzos!).  Don't give up hope.  You will get there.  I can't say I'm there yet - still at .33mg of the K - but so many people here have tremendous success stories.  Just think - one day not too far off, your success story will be among the archives!  :yippee:

 

Jan

The antisocial type symptoms are the hardest for me to deal with. My bread and butter has always been my personality. I feel like I am being stripped of my greatest gift and really wondering where the benzos end and I begin as far as that's concerned. This really has me panicking, i'm constantly wondering if I will indeed get better. Asking myself why I would chose to endure such torture.

 

My little pep talk here. I have always been a fun, outgoing person and I went through this also. On those days I didn't want to go to the store, I made myself and felt better for doing it. It's not you, you are still yourself, it's the med. You will return to you normal happy self I promise you. I'm off K now for 3 weeks tomorrow and although I still have a few bumps here and there, I have only had one really bad day and that was from eating something I shouldn't have. The end is harder for some as I have seen from this forum, I know mine was but once I was done everything looked so much better. Your brain starts to work again and you can think more clearly, so the fear turns into being able to tell yourself it's ok this will pass and I can handle it. Just the fact that I was finished boosted me up for several days..I was ready to take on the world. Those little bumps still come and go but they are bumps, not mountains anymore and I can tell you once you are off the whole world looks different. Instead of sitting and thinking about what my next sx is going to be I find myself thinking of where or what I can do to get out of the house.    I cooked out last night and I have a very high deck that 4 weeks ago I couldn't stand to look over it. No self confidence at all. Last night I leaned over it and said " look no hands"  there is a light at the end of the tunnel and I can't wait for you all to see it. 

 

M