Author Topic: Mentoring - those who are well (or better) reassuring those who struggle.  (Read 78032 times)

[Buddie]

Hi everyone,

One of the things I loved during my taper is when an old timer would come back and give a few words of encouragement. I also loved hearing that someone had healed from some weird symptom that I currently had. There were times I thought I would not heal. There were times I thought I was unique and different and worse than anyone. There were times I thought I had used the wrong method somewhere along the line and had done my system permanent damage.

I think these feelings of uniqueness are common. So let's start this little thread and see if the people who have gotten better with come by and say how they are. This is a sort of reaching back of the hands from those who have gone before to those who are now in the thick of it.

I posted a comment on my progress log a few days ago, meant mostly for encouragement, but not many people read it, so I will put parts of it here. I [...] people will join me. It's a wonderful feeling to offer encouragement. It's a wonderful feeling to receive encouragement.   :thumbsup:

 :smitten:
[...]
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[Buddie]

I'm moving some of my last progress log post here for encouragement....

30 months after taper...

I no longer count days and only note it in months because it shows up as a monthly repeating event on my calendar. Sometimes I feel hesitant to come here and write. So many people continue to suffer and it feels like a I dishonor them by saying I feel well. It is not my intention. [...], telling the truth remains my unshakable intention.

I have been in a place of near magic lately. Somewhere I read an account of someone having a spiritual experience and he called it a thin place as in the space between being human and being spiritual is gossamer thin. I remember a couple of years ago when I entered therapy Dr. BB asked me what my goals were and I said I wanted to love life before I died. Well, I do. Love life. It's the oddest thing. It has practically no connection to events or things. It is about people and relationships and how I feel in the world. I feel an ease inside my skin that I think I have not felt since pre-adolescence. Things feel right and on purpose.

Today I walked my neighborhood mile twice just because it felt so great to do it. It felt great physically, mentally and emotionally.  I feel  healthy and flexible and alive. Yesterday I was stuck in traffic and I didn't care. I felt interested in the mechanics of it and completely removed from the inconvenience. I feel patient and present. I do not remember being any happier in my life.

Maybe life brings us all to our knees in order to heal us. My knee bending episode happened to be benzo illness. At least one of them. Without it, I'm not sure I would have stopped my headlong dash that was largely unconscious in its direction. I was living life happily most of the time, but it was missing a level of awareness that I now have. Maybe age itself would have brought that awareness, but I doubt it.

The big things that are different for me are that I have come to expect and accept loss as a normal part of life, including my own decline and death; I feel safe in the world for the first time ever; I feel like I am not alone, and I feel like there is purpose in things that happen. I feel like the world is bright for me according to my perception at the time, and lately I have been given these gifts of seeing those thin places and feeling so [...].

Sometimes the tinnitus is very faint. Sometimes it is a low whine. Sometimes it's a hiss. It's only on the right side. That's where I often get a headache, right in that space between my ear and my eye. It's there right now, the hiss and the headache. These things keep me grounded and I do not resent them. They remind me. They remind me of where I used to be and I feel such profound gratitude that I want to whisper so as not to disturb fate and draw attention to myself.

I am at the oasis. I wish I could come back and bring water to all of you who are [...] traveling. I wish I could come back and walk a few miles for you, carry you, even. I wish I could walk along side you and murmur low words of [...] and encouragement that it does get so much better, that the colors are brighter and the air is sweeter and sometimes even this 60 year old body wants to skip or run or dance or throw itself on its backside in the grass and find shapes in the clouds and giggle with awe. There is ease ahead. There is [...].
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[Buddie]

Thank you for starting this thread and for your words. I am in the thick of it and would love to have this thread keep going.
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[Buddie]

Mozart - I'm going to see if I can pull in some of my old buddies who have healed.  :smitten:
Suggestions, opinions and/or advice provided by the author of this post should not be regarded as medical advice; nor should it substitute for professional medical care. Consult your doctor before making any changes to your medication. Please read our Community Policy Documents board for further information.

[Buddie]

It is a lovely idea to encourage other folk  who are struggling.  All I can say is there is always [...] whatever happens in life.  I was an academically bright young woman but socially shy and somewhat introverted. Developed myoclonic epilepsy in my 20s and was prescribed nitrazepam in 1975. I immediately went as high as a kite, working by day, partying by night (in a holiday camp), lost a lot of weight, then tried to commit suicide.  No connection was ever made with the nitrazepam.

Extremely depressed and unable to work for 10 years.  Many suicide attempts.  Disastrous marriage.  No children. On A/Ds for 35 years. Managed to claw my way back.  Divorce. University degree.  Career in research in UK NHS. Health poor throughout.

Early retirement at age 58 due to ill health.  GP decides I should come off nitrazepam. :tickedoff: :tickedoff: Not a happy bunny at all.  >:(  Decided to [...] it. Symptom free 3 month taper, then 6 months worse depression and constant sexual arousal.  Not funny. >:(  Met a widower via the internet. ;D :laugh:  Lovely man.

Then the physical symptoms set in.  >:( >:(  Bedridden for 19 months.  Nerve pain, head pressure, brain squeezes worst symptoms by far.  BUT

No depression and no epilepsy after 40 years.

[...] in bed.  Sluggish brain [...] prevents me from functioning physically and cognitively.   :'(  Sleep pattern has recently normalised after 2 years of chaos.

Life is much better now and I know will continue to get better.

Even in bed, I am me again.  It has taken 40 years but oh my word it has been worth it.

Hugs

[...]  :smitten:



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[Buddie]

[...]...what an excellent idea. We so desperately in need of seeing and hearing healing...in process. I am at the beginning of month 18 and in probably the worst wave since acute.  Unbelievable. I hang with the 12-18 month group and several of us are experiencing the same late wave from [...] hell. We are all hanging on but completely worn out.
....We can not hear it enough...healing is circular ...we are sick and better and sick and better.  And eventually we land on better.
....So glad you are starting this thread. Yours was the first story I read all those months ago. I thought I would be done by now...It is huge encouragement to see you so well and healed..  thank you [...].....[...]
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[Buddie]

[...], you are too funny.  :laugh: Your story is [...] amazing! I am so happy you have no depression and no epilepsy. Think of all the people who [...] are being treated for vague things that are probably attributable to benzos. It's a heart breaker.

I also was hyper sexual for a time early in my withdrawal. Thankfully I am married so didn't go hunting down widowers.  :D. I'm also back to normal except menopausal so things are different.

And yes, I think you are so right that there IS [...], whatever happens in life. Where there is life, there is [...].

[...] - that cyclical thing is hard to remember. I literally make cards to carry around with me that remind me I don't always understand the whole journey.

My psychiatrist once told me that I was in a tunnel, like a bend in the tunnel and I couldn't see light. She could look over the top and see that I had moved and was doing better, even though I couldn't see it. I keep that image in my head even now when my days are not magic. There are fewer and fewer days that aren't just wonderful, though. Honestly, I feel better than any of my in real life friends who don't have the benzo issue.

Hang on!

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[Buddie]

[...], [...] and [...]...you are all amazing. I relate to all of your incredible stories.

Also, I was always highly intelligent, funny, talented, and gregarious. Now I don't recognize myself. As for sexual...yeah...used to be highly. Now have no sex drive at all!!! I miss it. Are you [...] shagging the widower [...]? I [...] that was funny...if it is a serious issue I apologize.
I posted a story of sheer sadness today. Anger. I am in the thick of the darn thing.

[...]...I long to feel as you do. I ruminate about all of my loss and sorrow daily. I long for life to be sweet. I want some of that joy you feel. Even a tenth of it! It sounds divine. Maybe at age 55, and having Bern on benzos since age 16 tocope with tragedy and PTSD will heal someday. I long to find meaning in my suffering and to find a reason to live. I am glad to hear your words. All of you. I have suffered in this life for 44 years.

Glad you are all here. THANK YOU

Marian
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[Buddie]

[...] ... thank you for starting this thread ...

I am [...] waiting patiently and some days not so patiently ...  :smitten:
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[Buddie]

Mozart, I'm sure you've had intense therapy, so I don't want to insult you by saying its a great idea,especially for PTSD issues. I do want to mention a particular method that I think can be very useful; it's called EMDR  therapy - eye movement and desensitatization reprogramming therapy. Great things are being done with this for old trauma. People are getting their lives back. I [...] you will look into it.  :smitten:

Hi [...] Scotia

We will wait with you. You aren't alone.  :smitten:
Suggestions, opinions and/or advice provided by the author of this post should not be regarded as medical advice; nor should it substitute for professional medical care. Consult your doctor before making any changes to your medication. Please read our Community Policy Documents board for further information.