I am truly in Hell...please help

  I wish to do dry cutting only.  I am trying to get off of 38 years of benzos. For many years now I had been on Klonopin and Xanax. In the psychwards I was taking three to four .5 klonopin per day with up to four .25 xanax per day and low doses of propanolol a few times a day. I had a breakdown since January 1st with terror. I have PTSD (for many years of my life) and depression and anxiety through the roof. I have always been outgoing and I am a professional performer (music and comedy). I had to stop my career years ago. Too much terror. I was put on Dalmane at age 16 and it solved everything. I had not built a tolerance to benzos in over 30 years. Now they are ineffective. I can't even go out of the house or my bed for a long time now. I have never upped or abused my prescriptions. As of today I have managed to get myself down to 1.25 Mg equivalent of klonopin a day. Went off Xanax cold turkey a couple months ago as per my pdoc because he felt the Klonopin would "cover" it.  That may have been a big mistake.  I have been on two kinds of benzos for years.  I used to take Serax (oxazepam) with the Klonopin for years too. I need you guys to help me. I had to go back up to the equivalent of 1.5 Klonopin per day two days ago and start over.  The tolerance withdrawals...well, there are no words to describe the agony. I cannot decide whether to titrate straight from Klonopin or crossover with Valium.  I'm at a stand-still now and using a 5mg. Valium at night with a .25 Klonopin.  I am using .5 Klonopin for my morning and afternoon dosing.  I have to use Propanolol and Benadryl to help me get by, I am afraid to try the Gabapentin.  Tiny (1/4 pill of the smallest dose) bit off Zyprexa helped the withdrawals, but then one day when it wore off, I had a violent agitiation like I get from SSRI meds, so I stopped.  I don't want to get involved with another med like that.  I am trying to suffer through all of this.  Each day is an incredible Hell.  I've never been the same since January 1st.  The old me is gone.  I cannot even leave the bed much less the house or see people.  Terror. Valium only helps at night. I have tried crossing over twice before and Valium seems to make me angry and agitated especially during the day...but so does withdrawal. And it could be that I never gave it the full two weeks to get into my bloodstream, I can't tell. I am highly uncomfortable but I do not want seizures. 38 years on benzos. I don't think I will ever recover. Please tell me if there's even a chance. I have never heard of anyone being on these this long. I started quite young for terror and PTSD.  I have never heard of anyone having gone through this kind of Hell every single day from tolerance w/d. I never did. It seemed to take 38 years to have this tolerance unless it is because over the last many years I was taking 2 kinds of benzos together and my pdoc told me to quit Xanax c/t when I came out of the psych ward on January 1st. Was there for severe depression,  but I was "normal". . I cannot grasp the liquid titration even though I have watched youtube videos. I got off of K easily before but I was only ever on halves (.25mg) about 4 times a day. Geez I kicked oxycodone c/t in August. It was Hell. But I did it. I never abused or escalated my meds unless I was taking a "cocktail" of them for flights. I would take 30 mg. Serax with a .5 Klon and a Benadryl. Knocked me out. I couldn't fly without doing that. I cannot go on this way each day. I cannot taper. I had to go back to 1.5 mg. K per day. Not helping. Nothing's helping. I am very suucidal. Not going back to the hospital. I just need this horrific suffering to end. I have gotten off of K before about 8 years ago, with quartering my pills and it was easy. But they were still effective and I was on a slightly lesser dose. I am using Propanolol and Benadryl to get through. Nothing is helping this terror enough. I can't leave my bed, I suddenly hate daylight, noise, can't be around people. I am in sheer Hell. I have never had this before even though I have PTSD and have suffered most of my life from horrible tragedies. This is the worst I have felt. Constant flowing of adrenaline rushes. I do use a 5 mg. Valium at night with .25 Klon. You said I shouldn't.  Please help me get out of this Hell. I can't taper yet. Very unstable. Thanks. Oh and I cannot touch SSRI meds. I tried a tiny tiny dose of Zyprexa for 5 days which helped, but I got violently agitated when it wore off so I decided against it. I have Gabapentin but scared to try it. Need help desperately. I cannot go on tjis way for months. I won't make it. Please someone tell me if they have ever heard of this happening to anyone and if there is any hope. Thank you.

We never know someones eleses hell.....I hear your pain......I am in hell myself right now.....even if you were to go into a hospital, could they at least monitor you.......would you feel better even though in hell, if you were being watched and having you vitals monitored....I understand.....I truly do...<3 I wish I had an answer and hope someone can chime in offering you some advice......<3

Thank you. I hope you feel better too. I am trying to avoid the hospital at all costs. It made me worse. I need to control my mess myself. Tell me about you, your Hell and your journey

 

Marian

Marian........I honeslty can't type it all out.....if you click my profile and read through some of my posts I am a broken record .........but I FEEL your pain....and pray for you and all of us <3

Will do Eliyse....I am sorry for our suffering. It's horrendous.

Hi Mozart,

 

My experience on this board has shown me that everyone eventually gets through this. No matter how hard it gets at times. If you can go over to the "benzo-free celebrations" thread, there is a post by Looking forward about being 2 years med free. Her signature says she was on her medication for 40 years. benzo and ADs. She is feeling much better these days. There are also many others around here that have made it off after many years.

 

I know it's next to impossible to feel hope right now, but it will change and you'll eventually feel better. It is very hard, but it will be so worth it. Just take it day by day. You have many good days to look forward to.

 

Take care.

Marian, I have been on valium for 42 years and I've recently started cutting using vodka titration.

I couldn't cope with dry cutting,  have you thought of trying liquid titration,  it really is a good way

to go as you can do micro cuts. 

Hi Wannafeelwell

thank you for your reply. I have thought about it but I can't grasp how to do it even with youtube videos. It seems very complicated. I wish you lots of luck with your titration. Please keep me posted. I thought I was the only one on these this long. It scarss me to no end. I almost envy you that you are going off straight from V.

 

 

Wondernova and everyone...

Thank you for your words of comfort. It seems impossible. I may need to reinstate one .5 K. I will see how today goes. The doc should not have told me to c/t the Xanax thinking the K would "cover" it. I should have added another K to compensate. But it has been over 2 months off X now. I could keep trying to ride it out as the K is pretty ineffective now. But riding it out with the help of Benadryl and Propanolol seems impossible...still. Don't know what to do. I am on .5 K (with a 5 mg.Valium equivalent for 1/2 of the K at bedtime along with .25 K) 3 times per day 8 hours apart. I am in torture. Never been this bad even with my PTSD.

Constant adrenaline rushes, can't leave my bed much less my house, fear daylight, can't see people or even talk on the phone. Paralyzed with terror. I have been a musician, voice teacher, comedian all my life and I tanked my career years ago. But I was always gregarious and great with people. Now I cannot face the world. I never even had a tolerance to benzos in all of these 38 or 39 years on them. Not that I realized anyway. Now they have turned on me where they used to "save" me from terror. But in actuality I think they took my life. Have always been in bed. Now it's much worse. I was in a car accident at age 11 (I am 55 now) with my mother who was killed. It was a freak accident. I sustained a head injury and was in a 6 week coma. Then when I was 29, my older sister whom I loved dearly, was thrown from her 11th story apt. window by her husband. It's unreal. Plus many other losses my whole life. Needless to say I have depression. I have a soulmate dog named Mozart who is now 16, in a diaper and blind who is doing pretty well but will inevitably die soon. I am too fragile to handle that at this time. I do have a husband who tries to help, but doesn't know how. He is in his own problems having just lost his mother suddenly and he has other issues. I never had a baby (thank you benzos) but I have a stepson who lives here. I never even see him though. Geez...I need you guys. Thank you for being here.

Hi Wannafeelwell

thank you for your reply. I have thought about it but I can't grasp how to do it even with youtube videos. It seems very complicated. I wish you lots of luck with your titration. Please keep me posted. I thought I was the only one on these this long. It scarss me to no end. I almost envy you that you are going off straight from V.

 

 

Hi Marian

Liquid tapering is easy once you get used to it.    I can't give advice on k but  this is how I taper.

I put 1ml of vodka into a glass,  I use 2mg diazepam tablets which I cut in half,  I put one half into the vodka

and let it dissolve then I add 99ml of water.  I then take out my cut and throw it away,  I drink the rest of the liquid

plus the other half of my diazepam.

I'm cutting  tiny doses everyday,  0.01ml, 0.02ml and so on until I reach 1ml then I start from the 0.01ML again.

 

Diaz  Pam  has a schedule if you find her thread in diazepam support.   

Wishing you well.    Don't give up,  I never thought I could taper but with the right advice I'm doing it.!!

 

Wanna 

I feel for you! Nobody knows what you are going through except you.

God bless you.

Hello Mozart,

 

I have been right where you are. I told my husband everyday that I couldn't make it another day, but I did, and I really don't know how. I, too, was suicidal. Every day was horrible, especially the mornings. I ended up like that because I was detoxed, got better then tapered way too fast and went back into that place.

I couldn't taper either, I was way too sick. Everybody says just to push through it but there was no way, not until you feel ready. It might take some time. It took me months to feel well enough to taper but it does get better. It takes time.

 

Gabapentin helped a lot but you have to taper off that so I would not do it unless absolutely necessary. I was told it was not addictive.  It is.

When I switched to a liquid milk micro-taper it helped 100 percent. I was able to taper again.  I agree that the videos are way too complicated. I wouldn't have done it if I watched those.  You just throw your pills in milk and shake and leave it for 24 hours take out your cut and divide into your doses.  It's really very simple. Somebody can help you with the amount of milk and your cut.

 

You have been on benzos for a long time. I would suggest when you can cut, cut very slowly. I feel fine but I am cutting very slowly right now but I'm moving up some.

 

There is hope. It's just the drug making you feel like that. You can get better and you will.

 

I was on Valium first and was on Xanax(for a couple weeks.)

 

It does get better.

 

Jenny 

Hi mosart.

 

I also know how you feel. I'd like to try to help you get back "on the right track."

 

First of all, I agree with you about taking gabapentin. It seems to have helped some people, but as JennyK says, it does have a withdrawl syndrome also and requires a taper. So I wouldn't take it either unless you felt it was necessary. And the same holds true for zypexa (which is an antipsychotic). In fact, it probably would be better to avoid all these other psych meds as you've already stated you plan on doing.

 

Propanolol is a beta blocker which you may need for palpitations, arrythmias, or even anxiety. So for now, that drug does seem necessary. It's not a psych med, but if you decide eventually to get off it, just be sure to taper it also. And benedyl is an OTC antihistamine, so that's ok for helping you get some rest and for sleep.

 

So if I'm reading your initial post correctly, you're on 1.5 mg K and 5 mg V as a current daily dose right now. I realize that this is in several dosing times, but it wasn't completely clear to me from you post of it's 1.5 mg K or 1.25 mg K daily. No matter what dose of K it is, I strongly feel you need to stop tapering right now and try to decide how to handle this before doing else. I think you are correct when you stated that your doctor made a mistake by taking you off X completely thinking the remaining K would cover it. You were taking the equivalent of 3 mg of X or 3 mg of K before, and thinking that 2 mg of K would somehow cover that deficit is, in my opinion, completely incorrect thinking on the part of your physician. However, reading that you felt "normal" on the equivalent of 3 mgs of X or 3 mgs K is actually very good news. It tells me that most likely you can get there again if you just stop tapering, and give your CNS some time to settle down again.

 

Since you're already trying to stabilize on K, perhaps we could focus in on doing that and you can consider the Valium crossover later. You did say that you had increased the K to 1.5 mg just 2 days ago. Actually, since you've been tapering it, you've probably just increased your withdrawal not only from the X cold turkey, but also have now added K w/d to it. And most people take somewhere between 3-14 days to fully build up any amount of K in their system, so that 1.5 mg may not be fully built up yet. So considering that part of it, and also considering that you've most likely had your CNS settle a little bit on a lesser dose of 1 mg X by being off of it for 2 months, we're not really sure where you're at at the moment. You're definitely somewhere between 1.25 mg K and 3 mg K, but that's a lot of "benzo territory."

 

And another possible problem is that you've been on 2 benzos for years from what you've said. The brain gets used to that, and although many people are on only one benzo, others are on 2 of them, so taking one away all of a sudden is another shock to your CNS. Transitioning to 1 benzo may take many people a few weeks or a few months.

 

So with all this in mind, I'm going to suggest that you continue to let that 1.5 K build up in your system and add a small amount of X. You might try perhaps .125 mg X (1/2 tab of .25 mg X). You will get some immediate relief from the X, and the K will continue to build up. Then it that doesn't "do it" as far as feeling more stable over a few days, try adding another .125 mg X, and allow the K buildup to continue. At some point here, you will need to possibly add in another bit of K. I think keeping the ratio between X and K at one proportion of X to 2 proportions of K is a good idea as that is what your CNS was accustomed to.

 

Remember, you can always use .0625 mg X (1/4 of a .25 mg X tab) also. And this "working up to a stable combo" doesn't have to be perfect as far as that proportion I mentioned. I just think that you do need a combo here for stability as that immediate drop of X not only put you into acute X w/ds, but it also kind of "shocked" your CNS into that immediate drop to 1 benzo when your brain was used to 2 benzos.

 

So I think you need to try to achieve some kind of stability between the original 3 mg of benzo and the 1.5 mg of K you're now on using 2 benzos again. Only you will know where that feeling of stability or "normal" is, but it's there somewhere between 1.5 mg of benzo and 3 mg benzo. And I completely agree with JennyK. "Pushing through" when you feel as sick as you've described isn't an option for many people. It does take time, and only you know when you'll feel well enough to taper. This is often an "exercise" in patience as we struggle to get that stability. When the CNS has been destabilized, it can take several months of just staying on a steady dose of a benzo to be stable.

 

I crossed over to K from Xanax myself. I'd been on Xanax for 10 years. And my doctor tried to switch me overnight to K. I just couldn't do it because K takes days to build up in your system. It does vary by each individual. And when I couldn't make the switch overnight, my doctor just put me back on X again. This happened to me 4 times in 6 months. I was a mess. The Xanax stopped working for me, and I couldn't get on K either. I finally took control myself, and even though I felt shaky and nervous on Xanax, I crossed myself to K slowly over a 6 month period. And my CNS has never taken to K. It's given me awful side effects. But in order to establish stability on it, I held my dose of K for over a year. I've never felt good on it, but now I'm tapering it. I'm only telling you this because we do often require patience.

 

Once again, I think you need to work your way up to that "somewhere" between 1.5 mg of benzo and 3 mg benzo using 2 benzos like your brain is used to. Then I think you need to get that stability by holding on that constant dose until you feel ready to begin a taper.

 

Getting to one benzo (if that's what you want) or trying Valium (if that's what you want) can wait for some stability here. Also, Valium takes longer than 2 weeks to build up in your system, and it also can be depressing for some people. I know your taking 5 mg of it already (and don't stop that for heavens sake), but Valium at larger doses (like 30 or 40 mg) can depress some people.

 

I hope this post was understandable for you. It is long, but I thought we needed to address all the issues here.

 

Intend

 

 

 

 

Mozart,

 

If you think that using only K is better than using X again, once again, it's up to you.

 

You know yourself better than anyone else does. And you could easily be a person who builds up K fast enough to feel it.

 

I just know that you need to find that area between 1.5 mg of benzo and 3 mg of benzo to get stable. After that, please just hold for a bit. It will help settle you down immensely and make further tapering much "easier."

 

Intend

I will write to you as I read your post. No....I was never on 3 mg of K or X. I am on 1.25 K a day now with a 5 mg. V with the night dose of the .25 K so it will equal a .5 K equivalent. I am in Hell again. I don't know if I truly ever felt normal in years. It's just that 2 days before leaving the psych ward...was there for suicidal depression. ? Something "snapped" and I have never been the same. Adrenaline rushes that won't stop, terror,  don't want daylight,  to see or talk to anyone,  want to off myself because I am in agony. Seems the K and the X (In the hospital I stuck to my schedule of .5K three times a day and used .25 Xanax PRN. I ddidn't use too many most days). Yes I know all about every med. I do use propanolol for anxiety. I use benadryl to try to potentiate things. Off to read the rest of your posting. Thank youfor taking the time to help.

I have tried adding a Xanax back a couole of times. It didn't help. Nothing helps anymore. I was never on 3 mg K. I don't know where you saw that. The most I was on for awhile, eso. During my c/t oxy w/d was 2 mg. K a day....5 mg four times a day. I don't want to go back on X...not now.

Ok, I read your posts, thank you. K is ineffective anymore. So is X. Upping it may not help. I am afraid to try. If I can stay the course through this agony, won't level off? I never dropped terribly quickly. Just the c/t from xanax as per my pdoc was a mistake. I have been on the 1.25 K with the 5 mg. V at night (along with the V the .25 K equals a .5 K) for many weeks now. I log everything I take for years now so I could look it up. I have no hope that I will ever recover. This is unbearable. You know I went off of the X on January 24th right? I had also gone off of it c/t for 2 months in October and November until it was added back in the ward to use .25 as needed up to 3 or 4 of them a day. I didn't usually use a whole mg of x in a day. Just one or a couple some days. Why do I need a level that is 3 mg benzos a day? I would only go back to 2 mg K if I do that at all. If I take away the V which I added a few weeks ago, I would just take a .5 k to equal the 5 mg. V with the .25 k I use together at night. I don't know how to proceed. To hold here or go to .5 k four times a day instead of 3 a day. Or perhaps I could go to only an extra .25 k a day. Taking away the v if I go back up on k. My pdoc says I have years stored in my tissues so I don't even think this IS w/d...but what the Hell happened to me and why now? I don't need k to build up in my system as you say. It is there,  believe me. I never lowered more than a quarter pill, went back up from only that. I hope this makes sense to you. Please reply. Thank you.

TY for writing. I can't do the liquid I don't understand it. I can't taper yet I am in tolerance w/d. I am trapoed. Yeah I keep telling my husband to let me go. It is bad to say to him because he jyst lost his mother suddenly.  But I am in agony.  I have gabapentin but won't take it. Afraid. How are you doing now?

Mozart,

 

I replied further in the Withdrawl Section as you also posted there.

 

You may not be in tolerance withdrawl. The drugs may not be as effective because of previous withdrawals and tapers. Since they do seem less effective, it does seem like tolerance withdrawals because don't cover as well as they once did and that means withdrawl ax show up.

 

Thank you for asking about me. I've had a similar experience where Xanax became less effective for me, but I had not reached tolerance withdrawl at all. As I mentioned, I'm now on klonopin and tapering it. I'm using the liquid titration method. I have a difficult benzo history myself, so I'm tapering very slowly and very carefully.

Four points you made I would like to address...

 

Although a natural thought to have when feeling that the situation you're in is hopeless as in, you do not see a solution that will remove the "hell" and return you to a state of normalcy. It's part of the complicated chemistry that becomes unbalanced when we bio-hack our systems with agents that drastically alter our perceptions.  As I'm sure you know, suicide is not the solution you seek. You feel like there is no way out... this is it... life is over and the pain is unbearable. Again, it's a perception. Please scratch that option off of your list. As another member stated, others have been where you are and made it through. No matter what, you are just as valuable to this world as any other person. However, if suicidal thoughts are persistent and you feel that you may impulsively act on the idea, please ask for help immediately.  Do not let a chemically altered perception deceive you into going in the opposite direction of your ultimate goal... living life.

 

Propranolol - Been on that. Wicked mood swings, agitation, etc. Was put on P when doc thought I had Atrial Fibrillation which later found that it was sensitivity to MSG in several foods I was eating. Removed MSG and then Propranolol. The worst part was the 100-120 pulse rate for roughly 4-5 days until it subsided on its own.

 

Benadryl - Currently taking not quite but almost daily as a preventative to anxiety. Beautiful, non-addictive OTC that will be my only Go-To when completely off Klonopin.

 

PTSD - To me it seems this occurs when something negative happens to you (or witness of) in your life and it's not fully processed in a "let go" manner. Watching people die isn't fun or fascinating. It's repulsive. Something that I had to "process" internally by spiritual means. I can now review memories of tragic events without feeling "I'm still in it". Sorry, I don't have a straightforward approach to this. Seems it depends on a multitude of factors as to what approach is best. Professional insight recommended.

 

Lastly... Never ever ever give up. Never. You have the strength inside you waiting to be put to the test. It's there. Accept what you have and know that you have total and complete control over your body, your mind and your will. Scary? Yes. Seem impossible at times? Yes. Your goal achievable? Absolutely YES!

 

Chin up my friend... it will get better.  I promise!

 

Ranger

 

 

Thanks for writing. Propanolol seems to help me. Thanks for your input. Yeah my life has been horrific and full of tragedy along with head injury and coma history. Hence the PTSD. I have been in therapy since dinosaurs. Sick of all the years of therapy, pills and shrinks. Benzos were my only comfort for 38 years until they very recently turned on me and are suddenly ineffective. I have a lot to offer the world...very talented (my profession is music, comedy, etc) . Very smart and funny. I don't.care anymore. Not worth it. Never has been. Too much suffering. Couldn't do my career or have a baby or anything. Benzos saved me but they also took my life...still are. I am now in benzos Hell, tolerance withdrawal or SOMETHING. I just know that I wish so much that I had died in that car with my mother at age 11 instead of surviving. I wish so much that my sister whom I loved so much hadn't Bern thrown from that window by her husband. So many other losses too. I have Bern on my own since 11. Lonely. Now in some kind of Hell. I hear you. I have not taken my life in all these years and wanted to. Thanks for being a friend. I don't know how to get off the benzos ax I am in a trap with them...ineffective but can't c/t them lest I want a seizure.

 

Marian

You don't want to c/t the benzos.  You really don't.

 

So.  If I'm hearing what you're saying… you don't want to go up in dose.  I understand it feels like going backwards and I'd feel the same way, probably.  If you can tolerate the w/d symptoms, then don't go back up.  That's the only reason to go up.. if you can't tolerate the withdrawal.  I do still believe that what you're going through right now is Xanax withdrawal from the 1mg c/t two months ago.

 

This then becomes fairly simple.  Continue to taper the K, and when it's done then taper the 5mg of Valium. 

 

You've been drugged for 38 years.  I believe you'll see a different world and many opportunities to use your talents once you recover from this.  You can recover from this, it just takes some time.

I am so sorry.....been on your own basically since 11 years old and suffered such tragedy...now the benzos are ineffective - Hell on earth for me and not suffered the tragedies you have...my heart goes out to you.......<3

 

Not sure what dose became ineffective - I see some posters here were up to really high doses and taking many other medications as well........curious if you have tried gabapentin - I ask because I have been prescribed that and afraid to try it.........I'm 49 now and spent my life without any drugs, drinking nothing ( except smoking cigarettes which I still do ) I had the occasional drink here and there, then 2 years ago, oddly that occasional even one drink would give me almost an instant head ache over my eyes and so painful.........weird, just weird!

Benzos usually do feel ineffective once we start tapering them.  When we're no longer taking a therapeutic dose, we're only keeping withdrawal symptoms at bay. 

 

In order to get some relief, as Intend said, you'd probably need to go up fairly significantly. 

Hi Mozart.  I took up to 30 mg. Xanax in a day in the end of my ride and used it for my entire adult life.  I hope you are okay and I've followed your posts.  I never responded because I felt everyone else's responses were so good. 

 

I started what should have been my final cut 14 months ago.  I have slipped 3 times.  Here's what I wanted to say and I hope it helps.

 

1, I was switched from Xanax to klonopin and feel I do have withdrawal symptoms that are specifically related to Xanax.  I feel what you are going through.  This has gotten better for me.  However, I slipped up and took Xanax for a week and it killed me to try to get off and back on my klonopin.  You aren't alone in this and I think your symptoms could be related specifically to the Xanax.  I am pretty confident that mine are.

 

2.  Long ago in your posts you mentioned gabapentin and said you didn't want other drugs.  My ultimate goal is to be drug free.  I know some that don't make it and because of my other psych troubles I may be on some meds for life.  Right now my goal is just to get off of  the benzos.  However, I tried gabapentin and it worked well for me.  I see there is a gabapentin withdrawal board and it is obviously trouble for some.  For me it helped in the short term.

 

3.  Chaillis99 mentioned the prospect of going up in dose, ease the symptoms and starting a slower taper.  I've been in your shoes.  My original doc lost his license and I had to find a new doc.  When I did, he said he felt that the reason I was struggling so much is that I had been cut far too quickly considering my long-term life-long use.  He felt I should up my Klonopin quite a bit and we started the taper over with a better plan.  This is a marathon and not a sprint.  I'm thinking about your life-long traumas and while I am no doc, I sure would want to be careful with your meds and use them to make life as trouble-free as possible during this hard time.

 

4.    You mentioned suicide thoughts a couple of times.  Sounds like you've dealt with this for a lot of your life.  Of course you should call 911 if you are really at risk.  However, I did want to tell you that for the first six months of my final taper I felt like I would have taken my life if it weren't for some obligations I had.  You are obviously here for a reason.  There became a point where I realized how lucky I was just to be alive.  Considering where I started it's a miracle for me to be here.  Those thoughts are gone but I worry they will return.  So beyond the call 911 thing.  You are here for a reason as well.  You have an amazing story to tell and you are very strong just for being here today to tell us all about it.  Considering what you've gone through you are very strong,  Very strong.