An Unmeasured Success – Badsocref’s New & Improved Cold Turkey Success Story

Forward - Back in March, I posted a success story of sorts.  I was pissed off at some ‘stuff’ with the forum and life in general.  I hastily threw a terse success story together, and left the group for a month.  While I was through the worst of my physical stuff, I was clearly not finished healing emotionally.  Fortunately, I came back to BBs and gave myself time to ‘fully’ heal.  I figure it’s now time to try this success story thing again, and hopefully do a better job of it.

 

Why Benzos?  I took benzos for solely for insomnia, which was likely due to some low level anxiety.  I had taken Unisom (‘doxy’) for some years, but was only getting 4-5 hours of sleep.  I had a sleep study performed.  Sleep behaviors and sleep apnea options were discussed, but I wanted the quickest possible fix.  I pretty much demanded something stronger than ‘doxy’ to make me sleep.  1 mg klonopin was prescribed (at night).  I slept like a baby.

 

Fast forward five years.  300 mg gabapentin had been added to the klonopin, but my sleep quality was slowly deteriorating.  Also, a new kind of anxiety was emerging.  My sleep doc switched me to 2 mg Ativan (along with the gabapentin).  It helped my sleep a little, but the restlessness and moodiness kept building.  I decided to stop taking the drug.  I was unaware of the potential hazards of cold turkeying, and twice tried to simply stop taking the pills (as my sleep specialist had told me that I could do).  The first two tries lasted about 48 hours each.  I felt miserable each time and reinstated.  Finally, on January 9th, 2014, I said, “No more!”  I’d use up my sick leave if I needed to, but I was going to quit.

 

Cold Turkey Time.  The withdrawal proved challenging, but only rarely horrific.  The first week was the worst.  I barely slept, and had all sorts of ‘normal’ withdrawal symptoms (shakes, palps, spasms, pain, insomnia, sweats, tinnitus, various cognitive and emotional issues, hallucinations, rapid weight loss).  On day #4, I found/joined Benzo Buddies.  It was suggested that I reinstate and begin a crossover/taper.  I didn’t choose to go that route (typical 19-forever male mentality, I guess).  I was determined to grind through this – no matter what.  I literally drug myself to work on my bike each morning and back home each evening.  I was only semi-aware of what I did at work each day – I was in such a daze.  Fortunately, I’ve been doing my job for a long time, and can do much of it robotically – a good thing since my brain was running at about 50% capacity.

 

I had dropped a bunch of weight in 2012-13, and was good physical shape.  That definitely helped me.  I was not concerned with heart issues, so palps were a nuisance instead of causing fear.  In fact, the physical stuff - while a drag - almost never scared me.  Still, I felt pretty fragile due to the lack of sleep.  I was dead tired, but had this strange nervous energy that prevented sleep.  It was not pleasant.  Staying busy/distracted helped.  Work was a good daytime distraction.  In the evenings, I lived in my hot tub where I would ‘lose’ my self listening to ambient music and staring at the Moon or the stars or petting my dogs.  The warmth helped my aches and shakes.  At night, I was often on the couch watching golf or Saturday Night Live re-runs.  I had occasional panic attacks at night, but fortunately not many.  I’d never experienced anything like that before; it was really scary.  Fortunately, I had occasionally practiced meditation during my life and had learned some useful techniques for dealing with some of the physical and emotional stuff.  Meditation and distraction got me through some hairy times.

 

Seeking the positive.  Beginning almost immediately after stopping Ativan I had a mild euphoric feeling.  It gave me some optimism that dropping benzos was a good decision for me.  That euphoria peaked on day #8.  I was still wracked with physical symptoms, but I was happy, outgoing, in love with life and the world (I’m not normally that outgoing).  On another day I recall posting that I felt like I was on shrooms.  That might be terrifying to some people, but I had eaten a few shrooms back in my 20’s, and had usually enjoyed the experience.  So the intense DP/DR feeling didn’t scare me.  I was actually able to kind of enjoy the feeling (a little).

 

I knew that I would heal.  That was never in doubt.  It took longer than I had hoped, so I looked for ways to stay focused on my impending healing.  I avoided scary posts, and looked for signs of improvement.  I didn’t ‘Google’ every symptom nor did I seek miracle fixes from herbs or supplements.  Each day I quantified and graphed my symptoms, and projected the day that I would hit the 80% healed point.  It was perhaps a silly exercise, but it provided me with some distraction and hope. 

 

Therapy.  I found a good therapist (for me) about the time I c/t’d.  She provided good balance of compassion, information and challenge.  Therapy provided me with additional tools for getting through the withdrawal and my personal anxiety.  I still attend, although probably not for much longer.  I now possess the keys to my happiness.  I know that I must continue to feed the proper wolf*.  (*see http://theacademy.sdsu.edu/TribalSTAR/resources/files/TWO_WOLVES.pdf)

 

Drug and symptom progression.  After I c/t’d Ativan, I took a few meds to help alleviate symptoms.  Ibuprofen for headaches/pain, Tums for my stomach.  Insomnia was my biggest problem.  I tried all sorts of OTC stuff for sleep (Benadryl, ‘doxy’, melatonin).  Even tried trazodone.  Nothing worked very well initially, but doxy worked the best, so I took it nightly.  I have a script for cannabis and the combination of cannabis (taken at night as an alcohol tincture) + doxy got me a little more sleep. My sweats and tremor began to wane a bit about the fourth week.  I reinstated gabapentin (300 mg at bedtime) one month after my c/t.  It added 1-2 hours to my sleep, and helped with some of my symptoms (mood, shakes, tinnitus).  Gabapentin added about 10 points to my overall baseline.  By the end of the third month, I felt good enough to c/t gabapentin.  My sleep and tinnitus suffered a bit, but most other physical stuff remained OK. 

 

Month 4 saw the beginning of my ‘deadness’ phase.  I felt OK physically, but emotionally I felt nothing.  I was a zombie.  Zero energy.  Zero ambition.  I was easily irritated.  Improvement was slow.  I stopped tracking symptoms regularly – it got to be a drag to see such slow progress.

 

I turned a big corner about month 7.  My vitality improved a lot.  Happiness/joy began to return.  I was finally emerging from the dark place.  I could still be temperamental, but it took more to cause it and it resolved more quickly.  I did a family vacation (camping, hiking, biking and tons of driving) and mostly had a good time.

 

China (a farewell to drugs).  My wife and I were invited to an expenses-paid conference in China in early September (eighth month post benzo).  Cannabis was not going to be an option, so I c/t’d it.  There was a brief, mild withdrawal (some poor sleep, headaches and irritability).  After a week, I was sleeping almost as well as I had when I used cannabis.  I then started skipping my nightly doses of doxy and started taking 5 mg melatonin instead.  I slept fewer hours initially, but it slowly improved.  Finally, I stopped taking melatonin regularly.  The biggest surprise was that I could fall asleep pretty quickly – something I did not do well pre-benzos.  The first night that I slept 5 hours completely on my own (‘organically’) brought me immeasurable joy.

 

My two weeks in China were a wonderful experience and a good test for me.  Travel, time changes, crowds, insane driving, language barriers, and the frantic pace definitely pushed the control freak in me.  Somehow, I found a calm place in all of the madness – a skill I credit to some degree to the time I spent meditating on the Moon/stars when I was in acute withdrawal.

 

Months 9-12 have been good ones.  I eat what I want (often too much).  I drink what I want (rarely too much).  I still have some tinnitus (wish that would go away).  My fitness level is decent.  Sleep is occasionally a challenge – 5 to 6 hours is now normal for me.  It may not sound like enough, but it is.  I find that I have to calm down around 9 pm if I want to sleep decently – else, I stay kind of hyper and don’t sleep well.  I occasionally take 5 mg melatonin (1-2 times a week).  Much more rarely, I’ll pop a doxy (maybe once a month).  Basically, life is good again and I’m free from needing a counter-top of prescription drugs to survive.

 

Parting thoughts.  This withdrawal definitely pushed me.  Fortunately, I had the support of my wife, family and even my boss.  I had some idea what was in store for me from the first two c/t attempts, and cleared the deck of stressful situations as best I could.  I was able to stay somewhat active (bike riding, mostly).  I think activity helped with my anxiety/restlessness as long as I didn’t overdo it.

 

Would I have done a c/t knowing what I now know?  Yes – I’ve never regretted that decision.  C/T might not be appropriate for everybody, but I believe that it was the proper choice for me.  This forum has been very helpful.  Thanks to Colin, the moderators and all of you.  The proverbial ‘village’ was there when I needed it, and I’ve enjoyed giving back when I could.  This experience has changed me, but not for the worse.  I again have a life that’s full of wonder, love, and joy.

 

Speedy healing to all of my Benzo Buddies!!

 

Wonderful post and so happy to hear that you are healed!! Congratulations  on your 1 year anniversary and a special thanks for the kindness and support you have offered here on the forum. You were one of the first  to respond to me was I was terrified and in acute. It meant the world to me and I would add " you have no idea " but I m sure you do ! Thank you again and wishing you joy and peace Bads 

Hi badsocref

 

Thank you for posting, this is wonderful news and such a great post, we so appreciate you taking the time to do this.  I am so pleased you are doing well and I know your story will help the many that follow in your footsteps.

 

Wishing you a wonderful life, you so deserve it!!

 

Magrita

Congratulations badsocref!    Thanks for sharing your story ... it gives us hope! 

Badsocref,

I couldn't wait for YOUR success story: I knew it was only a matter of time, as your posts since I have joined have always been so positive, smart, and compassionate (without too much "goo"). You are clearly compassionate and generous. AND, you PM'ed me back immediately when I was panicked. Thank you!

I wish you the best and hope you live a long, healthy, and continuously altruistic life. I also hope you stay around long enough to keep encouraging me and all of the others who want to post their own success story someday (as you are so good at giving encouragement)!

Much love,

SC

Fantastic news cref.  So happy to read a success story of someone I knew. 

bad, did you ever have looping intrusive thoughts and songs? like all day long?

Congratulations 

 

It's interesting to read how you adapted as the sxs changed over time.

Best Wishes for the future 

 

bad, did you ever have looping intrusive thoughts and songs? like all day long?

 

Luigi - I once had a panic attack from a looping 'song'.  It was a stupid little 4-note pattern that started in my head and kept playing and playing and playing.  It freaked me out - I thought I would go crazy.  I don't remember if it was a tune that I knew or not (it's not something I want to try to remember).  I bolted downstairs and turned on the TV so that there would be some sound to drown out the song in my head.  Music, TV, voices often sounded shrill to me, but I kept sound on around me pretty much all day to keep myself from having those ear worms.  I even bought a pillow speaker and piped ambient music through it all night when I was in bed.

 

I also had a lot of intrusive thoughts.  They would often result in my palps going thru the roof.  I wore a heart monitor (linked to my iPhone) for a while and whenever my pulse would start to climb (from an intrusive thought), it would trigger an alarm.  Then I'd deliberately do something to distract myself.  In time, I got really good at controlling those thoughts and my pulse.  Kind of a poor-man's bio-feedback machine.

Soooo happy for you man! 

What's up badsocref!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! You success story is so heartwarming...I'm so happy for you. You have rocked on and now you're 95% healed!

 

You're pure awesomeness! Thanks for being inspiring and a friend!!!

 

I love this:

 

"I turned a big corner about month 7.  My vitality improved a lot.  Happiness/joy began to return.  I was finally emerging from the dark place.  I could still be temperamental, but it took more to cause it and it resolved more quickly.  I did a family vacation (camping, hiking, biking and tons of driving) and mostly had a good time."

 

I'm waiting to turn a big corner!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I know it's coming and folks like you make me believe more that it is coming sooner rather than later! 

Congratulations on a job well done,,I am so happy for you..I knew when you put those numbers in that window on your avatar you were going to have a hell of a story,,best of luck yo you

Thanks so much for writing your story.  It really made clear to me that there are physical AND emotional symptoms.  As always, i learned something new from you!

 

Congrats!

Congratulations on a job well done,,I am so happy for you..I knew when you put those numbers in that window on your avatar you were going to have a hell of a story,,best of luck yo you

 

Somebody noticed!! 

Awesome story, bad.  Very well written.  Am sending someone the link to this right now...

Challis 

I wasn't in a very good place emotionally when I wrote that 'success' story back in early April.  So much better now.

Thank you for taking the time to write your post. I really enjoyed reading it. What you did is amazing. You should be really proud of yourself. You will be an inspiration to who have stopped cold turkey.

Great 1 year writeup badsocref. Very happy you are doing so well. As you may know,there are many striking similarities between our tales. Despite being a fanatical cyclist myself, i am astounded you were able to bike to work everyday under such sleep deprived symptomatic conditions. A true testament to your enduring mettle. Thank you for all of your insightful comments over the past year.

 

Laser

It is lovely to read your story, Badsocref.

 

I hope life will continue to be good.

 

It has been lovely to share with you on the forum.

 

Hugs

 

LF 

Congratulations and thank you for the success story.

 

I'm having a difficult time and you've restored some hope.

I love that story, thanks for taking the time to write it. I'm in cold turkey withdrawal so it's particularly meaningful for me

bad, did you ever have looping intrusive thoughts and songs? like all day long?

 

Luigi - I once had a panic attack from a looping 'song'.  It was a stupid little 4-note pattern that started in my head and kept playing and playing and playing.  It freaked me out - I thought I would go crazy.  I don't remember if it was a tune that I knew or not (it's not something I want to try to remember).  I bolted downstairs and turned on the TV so that there would be some sound to drown out the song in my head.  Music, TV, voices often sounded shrill to me, but I kept sound on around me pretty much all day to keep myself from having those ear worms.  I even bought a pillow speaker and piped ambient music through it all night when I was in bed.

 

I also had a lot of intrusive thoughts.  They would often result in my palps going thru the roof.  I wore a heart monitor (linked to my iPhone) for a while and whenever my pulse would start to climb (from an intrusive thought), it would trigger an alarm.  Then I'd deliberately do something to distract myself.  In time, I got really good at controlling those thoughts and my pulse.  Kind of a poor-man's bio-feedback machine.

 

Thanks brother, I appreciate it. I wish it was warm out so I could ride my bike through acute haha

 

Thanks again 

Thanks so much, Badsocref!!! A wonderful success story!!!

 

Definitely wish I were in your shoes and hope to be there at some point sooner rather than later...

Thank you B.....i lke your story.....like your success.....wish you well !