protracted withdrawal

I was prescribed benzos when I was 23, when I went to my GP for advice about my mother who was being beaten up by my father.  I took them plus many other drugs to deal with the symptoms for 30 years because every time I stopped taking Ativan, I hit wd symptoms and was told I was mad and needed more drugs>  I found out by accident what  was happening and cold turkeyed straight away, not knowing any better.  I have now been drug-free for nearly 16 years and although very much improved, am still suffering a lot of the time, much to my horror and amazement.  I hope this will not prevent my membership of this forum, I understand that it is not good news to hear this, but I know that I am not the only one in this situation.  Heather Ashton told me that it does happen to a small percentage of people.  She did say that I could still hope for eventual recovery, but it is very hard to hang on to that. 

I hope this is enough info

I was prescribed benzos when I was 23, when I went to my GP for advice about my mother who was being beaten up by my father.  I took them plus many other drugs to deal with the symptoms for 30 years because every time I stopped taking Ativan, I hit wd symptoms and was told I was mad and needed more drugs>  I found out by accident what  was happening and cold turkeyed straight away, not knowing any better.  I have now been drug-free for nearly 16 years and although very much improved, am still suffering a lot of the time, much to my horror and amazement.  I hope this will not prevent my membership of this forum, I understand that it is not good news to hear this, but I know that I am not the only one in this situation.  Heather Ashton told me that it does happen to a small percentage of people.  She did say that I could still hope for eventual recovery, but it is very hard to hang on to that. 

 

I hope this is enough info

Hi Polenta,

Welcome to BenzoBuddies!! Sorry to hear that you are still suffering with PWS, but we're glad you're here!!

If you have any questions, just ask. Make yourself at home, you're among friends!!

T2

Hi Polenta,

You're very welcome here, and I'm so sorry for your pain.  Isn't it awful how our attempts to rid ourselves of the drug creates a whole new set of problems.  It's as if it was designed to be taken in increasing amounts forever.  Guess what, it probably was!  What a great money making scheme.  Sorry, didn't mean to get sidetracked.

Can you tell us how you're still suffering?  Again, welcome and make yourself at home.

Pam

Polenta:

Wow, 16 yrs.  That is beyond dreadful.  We are all anxious to know what symptoms you are still experiencing.  I guess we want to prepare for the worst. 

Thanks for coming

ntw

Hey Polenta,

Welcome to benzobuddies! 

You are more than welcome to be here.  We are all here to support each other through this mess! 

What type of symptoms are you still having after this long off of the benzos?

Are you doing any thing in particular that helps?

I'm really sorry to hear after this long you're still having problems, but you have found the right place for support! 

Phyllis   

I was prescribed benzos when I was 23, when I went to my GP for advice about my mother who was being beaten up by my father.  I took them plus many other drugs to deal with the symptoms for 30 years because every time I stopped taking Ativan, I hit wd symptoms and was told I was mad and needed more drugs>  I found out by accident what  was happening and cold turkeyed straight away, not knowing any better.  I have now been drug-free for nearly 16 years and although very much improved, am still suffering a lot of the time, much to my horror and amazement.  I hope this will not prevent my membership of this forum, I understand that it is not good news to hear this, but I know that I am not the only one in this situation.  Heather Ashton told me that it does happen to a small percentage of people.  She did say that I could still hope for eventual recovery, but it is very hard to hang on to that. 

 

I hope this is enough info

Hey Polenta,

Welcome to BenzoBuddies! After reading your post and feeling so bad for you, I will shut my mouth and not complain about still having withdrawals 10 weeks out!  I did highlight one part of your post; don't want to pass it over. You said, "although very much improved." So, before the rest of us freak out, let's not forget that Polenta has improved very much!! We would love for you to share more with us....

Lori

Dear Polenta

I too am new here and after reading your post I am praying for your eventual recovery. God is faithful and will answer your prayers I deeply believe.

Pennyblue2

Hi Polenta -- as a fellow newbie here, welcome. Sad to hear about your experience with PWS, glad you've seen much improvement, and it's good to know Heather Ashton encourages you to hang on for better days. Look forward to getting to know you. Glad you're here.

Aloha!

Greetings Polenta!!!

Just bumping this so you can find it when you come over from The Trap!

Missing you,

Flip

Hi P

Nice to see you here ... still finding my way around ..

Mike

Where to start?  I did not post any more after my first post because I was just not used to computers and I still had terrible benzo brain fog, I found TRAP and went there because I found it a bit easier to negotiate.  I am sorry that I was not around to reply to the first kind messages that I got here, I have only just found them and read them> Thank you Flip and Mike too, I feel better just hearing from you.  I am extremely exhausted at the moment, but will post more soon.  I am going to try and find my way around a bit now.

I wonder how many of the people who replied to my first post are still around - I will find out.

Polenta

It's really, really good to see you, Polenta!  I will not use your Trap name unless you do, first. I suspect people would be more forthcoming if they knew and recognized you, but entirely your call. 

If you need any help navigating, just ask, OK. Most of us are about to figure it out. There are some very nice people here.

Flip

Hi Pol,

Have fun navigating I am here if you need to get in touch nice to see you hear 

Mike

Thanks Flip, I will have lots of questions!!

Oh hello Mike!!!

Where is everyone?

pol

Pol,

Almost everyone is in Buddie Blogs. It's a little more than half way down on the main page.

You will recognize our names, most of them.

If you look at the very bottom of my message, you'll see a link Thqt will take you to my blog. The same is true for most of us.

Flip xx

Hi Polenta,

I can see you now!  Can you see this post?  Flip has already bumped up your thread and posted here....

Go to the bottom of your page and click reply to respond.

I'll look out for you.

Love,

Rachel xxx

Hi Flip, I'm having trouble posting, so just testing here, hope you don't mind!

 

Polenta

Of course you can practice post on my thread! How can I help Polenta?

Flip

Yes I have made improvements in the last 3 years, but I still have a long way to go.

Polenta

Polenta! I found you!

First, thank you for your posts in my thread. You reminded me of those crazy psych stories. Lol. Yes, I do remember those funny, funny times. I love it when I can laugh instead of cry. I much prefer that chemical release and when I laugh out loud, for a minute, I forget the crappy part. 

Now, I was just reading on Pembs' thread that your fibro pain had gone. You sneaked that into the body of a message! Don't you feel like crawling out the window and shimmying up to the roof and shouting that from the rooftops?  Then I read somewhere else that you still have the DR and DP. 

Still, it seems you have made huge progress this year! One of the last things I remember was when you were struggling with a mountain of curtain fabric that made you quite ill once you had the curtains hung. What was the outcome - were you able to get them cleaned? I thought then - all that work and they turn on you!

I've always admired your fortitude, Polenta. I have an idea how crappy you feel. I spent a few years in that fibro hellish desperation - beat my legs blue from the pain - lose all pleasure - wonder if I can live out my life with any grace at all. It is the depths of hideousness. I suppose there are a few things worse, like being a starving prisoner or being disemboweled - just sayin' it's beyond awful. It changes everything.

When I read Anatomy of an Epidemic, I was at once horrified and hopeful. I was willing to go through virtually anything at all to get over that pain. So off I go to detox. I'm not sure what they put me on in there. I slept the first few days. Then I turned into Ms Welcome Wagon.  There I was in my uniform scrubs, prancing around the day room and when they opened the door and pushed another one in, I practically pounced on them to welcome them. My point is, I felt terrific in my body. Better than I had felt in at least 10 years. And then I came home.....arg! 

I, too have felt an easing of bodily pain but can't celebrate because that would require bring around people!  . I've never really considered DP/DR. But I think that must be a lot of what I experience now. Must go read the definitions. Is it when you feel alone in a crowded room and afraid to say much because people would then look at you and want to interact and you might completely freak out at best or die at worst??  Where you have this veil on good days and jelly membrane on bad days between you and your environment? That you don't recognize the body you inhabit? Excuse the run-on, but that's the only way I can say it.

Has this changed? Gotten better? I hope so. Good god, you have been at this for years, Polenta! Do you have little scars on your tongue and cheeks from biting your tongue? I think it's unfortunate that you and several other long time sufferers feel reticent to say how you feel for fear of scaring someone. I would think you would need to vent more than anyone.

Anyway, going to post this in hopes you are still on the airwaves. It's good to see you on and I will follow you more closely. I'm very glad for your diminished pain, especially that neck!!

Much love,

Flip

Hello Flip,

I wish I felt like shouting, I always think that when one symptom lets up or stoops I will be ok, but it doesn;t work like that.  I remember saying to Una  (BAT) that if only the pain would stop I might get some sleep, but she said that all the sx are independent of each other, and that is how it has turned out.  The fibro has stopped, the head pressure has nearly stopped, (I used to think that that was the worst symptom, apart from insomnia), my tinnitus is less loud, but I just don't feel any better, it is so weird.  My DR is less, I no longer feel that I can float across the road and the cars won't hurt, or just let go when I am on a ladder and I will float safely down, but I feel dead, unable to experience any pleasure, unable to concentrate enough to clean a saucepan properly.  I have constant intrusive negative angry argumentative thoughts, still feel suicidal, but not as often.  I can't feel anything except either fear or anger, no love for anyone, no real affection for my 2 dear cats, there is absolutely nothing I want to do except not feel like this.  I do sleep better now, broken sleep, but better than the 2 hours a night I got for about the first 5 years.. If it were not for the rare and short windows that I have, there really would be no point in living, not for me anyway.  But I have to go on, there isn't really any choice, and I have improved so massively, it is hard to believe that with all the improvement I still feel like  - - - -.

One of the many useless counselors I have seen over the years did do something useful though, not believing a word I said, she went and consulted a famous shrink (don't know his name) and he told her that one of his clients had recovered after being off benzos for 25 years, plus I knew someone who recovered after 15 years of being off Ativan (she had taken it for 10 years).  I am just getting so old, I don't know if I can live long enough (140?) to recover.  It is very lonely being an "unusual" case, such "bad news" for everyone else too.

Well that was my one and only online proper vent.  Thank you Flip.

Polenta

PS After I had dragged the curtains up the ladder onto the roof and left them in the fresh air for a week, I can tolerate them now!

PS After I had dragged the curtains up the ladder onto the roof and left them in the fresh air for a week, I can tolerate them now!

Great visual!  You must have a little bit of energy to do that... I took out the garbage cans last night and thought it was a big deal. 

I'm so sorry for your long recovery.  Don't worry about posting your slow progress, it is what it is and we're here for you.  Since you continue to make progress, let's hope you'll one day be comfortable and enjoy life again.

Challishttp://i358.photobucket.com/albums/oo29/pigletmph/zadiffgrouphug.gif

Hi Polenta, I was amazed at your story.

Do you still hold out hope even though you have been suffering for so long?  I have done a CT x 2 and I am over 5 months out at this point.  I am hoping that this will all turn around for you some day soon.

Skyy