Complete Break Down Yesterday! - Others Please Share

///////////////////////////////////////////// After starting this thread, I think it is only wise for others to share when they hit their breaking point. If you feel comfortable, please do so... //////////////////////////////////////////////////////

 

I broke. Literally...

 

I've been suffering from insomnia since 1/1/2014 and docs have been pushing pills on me non-stop. I've aged, my face droops, my eyelids sag, my dark circles are permanent, I have muscle wasting in my hands, I have far too many wrinkles for my age, my skin is thinner and lacks that vibrant youthful look (I'm only 29), my cheeks are hollowed, I can't sleep with my significant other, I dread going to sleep....

 

I finally broke...

 

I came home from work and cried, screamed to god for doing this to me. Questioning why would a god do this to someone?

In my attempt to numb myself, I took 3 vicodins to kill the emotional pain - I relapsed, once again. Was sober for 5 months.

 

I've only begun my taper and I don't get that restful sleep.

I'm told by people that I look tired, I look worn out, I don't have that pep in my walk, I don't have that alpha drive I used to.

 

For the first time in a long time, I prayed not to wake up. Just prayed to be let free from this pain. To relieve the pain I'm causing my family, my loved ones and my friends and most importantly, myself.

 

I punched my bed - screaming, yelling. I then went to the restroom, stared in the mirror and punched my counter top, over and over and over. My hand hurts today. I tried to eat x-mas left overs and began slamming my fist on the plate. I slammed my head into the wall crying, just crying...there is a hole, not only in the wall, but in my soul. A hole that begs for a basic simple instinct that others take for granted.

 

What do we need; water, food, shelter and sleep. I'm robbed of the latter.

 

I broke.

 

I don't know what to do. If I go back to the doctor, they will just prescribe more pills - increase the dose, modify this one, add that one...

 

If I pray to god, he doesn't respond...

 

I need help, I don't know what to do.

I'm sorry... I completely understand the frustration and anger about insomnia.  I'm a crier rather than anger outburst type, and I cried an ocean during withdrawal...out of frustration, out of anger, out of fear.  I'd forgotten this until I read your post but you describe the angst so well I remembered my own at the time.  You're not alone in this.

 

You cut the Valium pretty fast when you first started tapering.  I know you've slowed your taper rate, now give it some time to catch up.    You did a crossover and then began tapering pretty aggressively...Valium should probably have two week holds between cuts because of its long acting nature.

 

In the meantime, please understand that insomnia, anger, frustration are all 'normal' for this process.  It may be the hardest physical challenge you'll go through in your life. 

 

But it will be worth it in the end.  I was originally prescribed benzos for insomnia.  I slept well for the many years I was

on them.  Then I needed to get off them and paid the piper for the 'sleep' years.  Now I can sleep without pills, but it was a difficult process to get there.

 

Hang on, Keep... it's okay to break once in awhile.  We all do.

 

Challis 

Keep it Moving,

What a desperately painful process this is. Insomnia is the most hideous thing to endure. Knowing other people can surfeit off to sleep while we lie there is agonising. Pure torture.

Can I ask why you went on the drugs in the first place? were you a good sleeper before the drugs?

I was kicking my wardrobe today, shouting at my parents, screaming and pulling chunks out of my hair. I am at the end of my rope too.

I just don't know how to overcome this insomnia.

We need to be super-human to endure the days that follow restless nights.

Just want you to know that I completely understand.

I had a complete break down today. I reached breaking point.

God knows what will happen tonight.

x

Keep it Moving,

What a desperately painful process this is. Insomnia is the most hideous thing to endure. Knowing other people can surfeit off to sleep while we lie there is agonising. Pure torture.

Can I ask why you went on the drugs in the first place? were you a good sleeper before the drugs?

I was kicking my wardrobe today, shouting at my parents, screaming and pulling chunks out of my hair. I am at the end of my rope too.

I just don't know how to overcome this insomnia.

We need to be super-human to endure the days that follow restless nights.

Just want you to know that I completely understand.

I had a complete break down today. I reached breaking point.

God knows what will happen tonight.

x

 

There were many nights when I posted throughout sleepless nights.  Not as many people on at night, but there's usually someone.  Look for the green lights next to the user names.  That means logged on. 

Thank you for that Challis x

Keep it Moving,

What a desperately painful process this is. Insomnia is the most hideous thing to endure. Knowing other people can surfeit off to sleep while we lie there is agonising. Pure torture.

Can I ask why you went on the drugs in the first place? were you a good sleeper before the drugs?

I was kicking my wardrobe today, shouting at my parents, screaming and pulling chunks out of my hair. I am at the end of my rope too.

I just don't know how to overcome this insomnia.

We need to be super-human to endure the days that follow restless nights.

Just want you to know that I completely understand.

I had a complete break down today. I reached breaking point.

God knows what will happen tonight.

x

 

I went on Klonopin to treat anxiety...

Then it turned on me...

I switched to valium to c/o and found that it made my insomnia worse, or my body just didn't adjust well to it or I mistakenly updosed from K to V to stabilize and that threw my body off, who knows...

 

I then read that people had success with Remeron on this forum, so I asked my doc and he was willing to give me anything. If I asked for heroin, he might even hand me that as well. Along with the Remeron was Trazodone, which I've used in the past.

 

Now, instead of being on 1 med, I'm on 3 meds....

 

I truly can't forgive the medical community or a psychiatrist ever again. Once I'm off this crap, I'll never step foot inside a doctor's office again, unless I'm on my death bed.

 

The depression and insomnia are horrible. No one understands, and sometimes I feel like I can only relate to people here... who are suffering through the same agony I am.

 

I wish you a peaceful nights sleep, god knows I'm not having one.

Keep it Moving,

What a desperately painful process this is. Insomnia is the most hideous thing to endure. Knowing other people can surfeit off to sleep while we lie there is agonising. Pure torture.

Can I ask why you went on the drugs in the first place? were you a good sleeper before the drugs?

I was kicking my wardrobe today, shouting at my parents, screaming and pulling chunks out of my hair. I am at the end of my rope too.

I just don't know how to overcome this insomnia.

We need to be super-human to endure the days that follow restless nights.

Just want you to know that I completely understand.

I had a complete break down today. I reached breaking point.

God knows what will happen tonight.

x

 

I went on Klonopin to treat anxiety...

Then it turned on me...

I switched to valium to c/o and found that it made my insomnia worse, or my body just didn't adjust well to it or I mistakenly updosed from K to V to stabilize and that threw my body off, who knows...

 

I then read that people had success with Remeron on this forum, so I asked my doc and he was willing to give me anything. If I asked for heroin, he might even hand me that as well. Along with the Remeron was Trazodone, which I've used in the past.

 

Now, instead of being on 1 med, I'm on 3 meds....

 

I truly can't forgive the medical community or a psychiatrist ever again. Once I'm off this crap, I'll never step foot inside a doctor's office again, unless I'm on my death bed.

 

The depression and insomnia are horrible. No one understands, and sometimes I feel like I can only relate to people here... who are suffering through the same agony I am.

 

I wish you a peaceful nights sleep, god knows I'm not having one.

 

Keep,

 

I am also in agony almost unbearable.  I am suffering in another way.  Head pressure, depression, and I do not know what I will call it.  I keep holding the hands of my friends to get strength to survive another day.

 

Despite all of these, keep important numbers within reach.  Seek professional help if you are at the edge (even if you have completely lost your confidence and trust on your doctors), we need them to attend other issues that may appear during these difficult times. 

 

Expat

How are you today?

I hope you are feeling a tad better.

This is all so hard.

I worry i will never be okay.

x

How are you today?

I hope you are feeling a tad better.

This is all so hard.

I worry i will never be okay.

x

 

Hi Buddy, I was already thinking to take a rescue dose yesterday.

 

Today I took my MP3 player to work, and listen to music while working.  I am at the breaking point.  I do not want to tell this in the forum, but I don't care so much.  I cried a lot, I cannot control my tears.  And it is a bit surprising I feel some relief. 

 

It is not over yet.  I had severe anxiety before, I was given Clonazepam, it was a depressant...I know from the start, but I was thinking that it only calms down brain activity.  Somebody told me that it could cause depression.  So if I take a rescue dose, it will give me relief, but in the following days it could make my depression worse. 

 

I will keep the music with me for this time. 

Sending much love and healing thoughts to all that are suffering.

This is beyond hard. It is inhumane. Other worldly. Science Fiction horror.

Thank God we have each other.

x

The support on here is what I look for. I can't find God right now, but I can find this forum - maybe this is God through another channel. I don't know, I don't care.

 

When my ass is on fire, I don't care who has the hose.

 

I had another bad day yesterday. I cried a lot, A LOT. I saw pictures of myself and my significant other a year ago and I just cried, I looked at other couples and cried, I looked in the mirror and cried.

 

My girl stayed with me all day, we went to eat, went to the mall ( won't do that again, too many people and the racing thoughts began ), saw the movie big hero 6? Something like that and it made me laugh, even for just 2 hours.

 

I slept well last night w/3.75mg remeron and 37.5mg Trazodone and 0.5mg Melatonin. I slept from 1030 - 545 minimal awakenings and then went in and out of sleep until 7ish ( very light sleep ).

 

I'm going to try to have a good day today. Just try. I'm now day 2 sober after my relapse on Friday with Vicodin. I have yet to take 1 rescue dose during my taper.

 

Thank you for the support here, thank you BB.

 

HOW ARE YOU DOING TODAY?

How are you today?

I hope you are feeling a tad better.

This is all so hard.

I worry i will never be okay.

x

 

Rubikscube-

 

How are you doing today? Did you sleep?

 

Also, in your signature it states "supplements almost killed you"...

Could you elaborate?

I am doing MUCH better today. I slept and feel moderately functional. not able to get out of the house functional but able to do a lot around the house. I couldn't believe it last night when the sleep hormones kicked in. I was astounded!

 

I took fish oil and walnut oil and had the worst reaction to five days of these. No drug has ever come close to the horror that erupted after taking these oils. If you read my post 'Twenty Years of Iatrogenic Illness' it wil give you a good idea of what I have been going through due to those oils.

 

It is hard to believe as they are just oils but I've been suicidal pretty much every day since taking them last October.

 

Im glad you are somewhat better today. I so hope we sleep gain tonight.

 

x

Keep It Moving,

 

For what it is worth (and I hope I do not offend people here) I believe in a God. Not necessarily the God the bible talks about. I believe in a God that created us but cannot intervene in our affairs. A God that is loving but cannot really heal or help us. I do not believe that God heals and I do not believe that if you pray to be healed it will happen. I do, however, think that whatever God there is, he/she is desperately sorry for our situation.

 

Again I hope this does not offend.

 

I used to think that God heals but really where is the proof? I don't think you can suffer so inexplicably and believe God heals.

 

x

Keep-it-moving,

 

I've done similar things buddy, this has destroyed my mind and body beyond any horror show...

 

Punched the pillow, screamed into it, kicked the walls, hit my head against the wall and the pillow, punched my face, hit my head with my hands, cried like a lost baby who cant find his mom, about the same age as you.

Hope things calm down for you soon. Take care, you will make it through.

 

Hi Keep It Moving

 

Reading your post just makes my heart break for you, but I'm pleased to hear you did have a better night last night. I know you'd rather not take more meds to help you sleep, but sometimes it's a case of the lesser of two evils. You have to sleep, even if it’s just for a few hours. The main aim right now is to get off valium. Then you can worry about the other stuff later.

 

I know I certainly could never have gotten through my taper if I didn't have my doxylamine and amitriptyline AD to help me sleep. Like you, insomnia was my most hideous side effect, and there were many nights where I would just shout out to someone, anyone, no one, my cats, the empty dark room "What is wrong with me!!!!".  I'm also a believer in karma, so I just kept wondering what horrible thing I had done in my life, or to someone else, that would cause me so much suffering.

 

I don't believe in the biblical god (although I believe there is something out there), but there were even times when I would rant at him/her/it ..... "Why are you doing this to me!!!". However, I believe we have guardian angels, and that's what BB is. It's our guardian angel and it's what gets us through all this.

 

I know saying "things do get better" sounds really hollow and a bit cliqued, and doesn't really give you much to cling to when things are bad, but things do get better. You just have to believe that.

 

 

 

I truly understand what is going on with you. I have a feeling that someone who is not going thru chronic insomnia just doesn't understand how horrific it is. To make a long story short. When I first began my taper off Kpin, I slept no more than 2 hours per night for nearly a year. Sometimes 0 sleep. I went insane and had a nervous breakdown. My pdoc was so disturbed about this that he gave me meds to help and they have. The only thing I said to him is that no matter what, I won't take another single benzo pill or an SSRi. I would have taken rat poison if he told me I would sleep. Now I have to look forward to getting off these meds in the future and expect to have the same sleep problem as I did. I am scared to death of this. God, help me.

Hi, I just wanted to tell you how much I relate.

 

I do not post on here very often I just read a lot.

 

I also am an ex opiate addict and after two years sober I am scared to death this is the moment I am about to relapse.  I never, ever have seen insomnia, depression, and anxiety like this.  I have tried to get away from that thought that the answer lies in a pill but the truth is I am not sure it ever leaves no matter how much we try to convince ourselves.  If so it is very difficult.  If I had access to opiates I probably would have taken them too, I simply do not. 

 

But I know how you feel.  Please know you are not alone.  I do not recognize my life anymore.  It feels like a breaking point too and all I want is a bottle of opiates.  The success stories on here keep me going otherwise I could not do it.

 

Prayers to you. 

Benzogirl,

 

When you first had insomnia and anxiety, was the insomnia due to the anxiety you were experiencing or did you have anxiety due to not sleeping? Was it psychological or physiological in nature do you think?

 

I ask because if you were an okay sleeper before your anxiety in 2003 then I think there is much hope for you.

 

You say you had a nervous breakdown on 2 hours sleep for a year. You actually went a year without taking any meds to sleep? I am in awe. You have obviously visited the deepest darkest depth of hell on earth.

 

What are you on now exactly?

 

Just trying to offer some support but can't unless know a few more details.

 

x

Keep It Moving,

 

For what it is worth (and I hope I do not offend people here) I believe in a God. Not necessarily the God the bible talks about. I believe in a God that created us but cannot intervene in our affairs. A God that is loving but cannot really heal or help us. I do not believe that God heals and I do not believe that if you pray to be healed it will happen. I do, however, think that whatever God there is, he/she is desperately sorry for our situation.

 

Again I hope this does not offend.

 

I used to think that God heals but really where is the proof? I don't think you can suffer so inexplicably and believe God heals.

 

x

 

Hi Rubik,

 

I believe it is more than enough to believe in God.  There might be some reason why God put us in this dark pit.  Are you watching CNN?  I saw that while they are searching for the Malaysian plane, they discovered enormous garbage beneath the seas, and perhaps beneath our oceans.  The mind of God is awesome, He made the seas and oceans so big (land is only 1/4),  so humans will have a very difficult time to get it sicked and dysfunctional.

 

 

 

 

Just an update. I've been noticing some depression, not sure if it's from the lack of sleep or from lowering my dose of Remeron, or just simply cutting Valium?

 

It's very difficult to say, but I'm trying to be strong. This is certainly the most difficult trial I will ever endure.

Just an update. I've been noticing some depression, not sure if it's from the lack of sleep or from lowering my dose of Remeron, or just simply cutting Valium?

 

It's very difficult to say, but I'm trying to be strong. This is certainly the most difficult trial I will ever endure.

 

Rubik, I took Remeron before.  It gives me long hours of sleep.  But there are some side effects:  restless legs (involuntary movements), and emotional numbness.  It has also some positive side effects:  euphoria.  Remeron does not need tapering.  It can be stop anytime or can be resume any time as long as it is effective and beneficial to you.  I also tried reduced dosage of Remeron, I was prescribed 30 mg single dose, but I was taking 5 mg later.  Low dosage made me sleepy during the day, uneasy, unhappy.  I think I read somewhere that taking full prescribed dose will give more benefit than severely reduced dose. 

 

If you are having difficult time, get the benefit of medications.  I took rescue dose many times, it did not hinder my tapering.  Now I am at 0.115 mg Clonazepam.  At the start I had so much doubt if I could ever get off this drug.  Don't hurry.  It is important that you get relief and stabilize and stay at stable condition while tapering.

 

 

Just an update. I've been noticing some depression, not sure if it's from the lack of sleep or from lowering my dose of Remeron, or just simply cutting Valium?

 

It's very difficult to say, but I'm trying to be strong. This is certainly the most difficult trial I will ever endure.

 

Rubik, I took Remeron before.  It gives me long hours of sleep.  But there are some side effects:  restless legs (involuntary movements), and emotional numbness.  It has also some positive side effects:  euphoria.  Remeron does not need tapering.  It can be stop anytime or can be resume any time as long as it is effective and beneficial to you.  I also tried reduced dosage of Remeron, I was prescribed 30 mg single dose, but I was taking 5 mg later.  Low dosage made me sleepy during the day, uneasy, unhappy.  I think I read somewhere that taking full prescribed dose will give more benefit than severely reduced dose. 

 

If you are having difficult time, get the benefit of medications.  I took rescue dose many times, it did not hinder my tapering.  Now I am at 0.115 mg Clonazepam.  At the start I had so much doubt if I could ever get off this drug.  Don't hurry.  It is important that you get relief and stabilize and stay at stable condition while tapering.

 

 

 

I'm glad to hear that you're getting to such a low dose of klonopin. I wish I had stayed on the klonopin and had done dry cuts or liquid titration. oh well, so you have been on remeron? I have been told that you need to withdraw from it slowly...that it must be reduced by 3.75 reductions or increased by that much...

 

What was your experience with it? What dose were you taking and for how long?

Did it help you sleep through the night?

I don't know about Expat, but I was on 22.5 mg of remeron and it didn't work for me so after 2 months of use I just dropped it with no ill effects. The only problem I had was when I was on it I ate like a real pig and gained weight. I won't try it again for this reason. Bets