Feel suicidal

I hate saying this as Iv always been a big lover of life but I cannot get out my head that there is any other way out of this situation.. I have 24 hr panic I can't sleep and it gets so overwhelming that I feel the need to get out of my own skin, Iv been reading on the internet about akathisia and I believe this is what I have I'm terrified, I don't know if it's from the Diaz withdrawl or years of prozac that I stopped early this year but I have every symptom, I lay in bed at night thinking about how my daughter will manage when I'm gone, I love that kid so much

Hang in there, tattyapple. I've had really bad akathisia from coming off of AD's. It's a horrible feeling.

 

It will pass. This is where we always advise: distract, distract, distract.

 

Can you watch tv or listen to soft music?

Thank you for replying

I can sometimes watch TV for a bit but when it's bad I can't do anything, Iv lost a stone I'm weight as food tastes like nothing and I'm scared to eat the wrong thing as Iv read this can make it worse.. My doctor thinks it's all in my head and wants me to take mirtrazapine there is no way I will take another AD, I feel like I'm not really here like I'm living in a dream.. Iv read propanonlol can help ? Thank you

Your doctor is not wise, unfortunately. Akathisia is a well  documented side effect of all psych drugs. I'm sorry you're going through this.

 

This is a weird suggestion, but when I've had akathisia in the past, riding in a car helped. Maybe it balanced out the equilibrium. Also, if you're able to exercise, even if it's just walking, sometimes that helps.

 

Do you feel like you're going to act on the suicidal thoughts?

I'm sorry, tattyapple...suicidal ideation is somewhat common in benzo and AD withdrawal both. We want you to stay safe, so I'd like to give you a link to some information and helplines:  Suicide, Self-Harm & Threatening Behaviour .

 

It's good to have someone with you when you feel this way.  Are you alone or do you have support at home? 

 

Challis

That's made me smile as I always ask my friend to take me for a drive when it's really bad.. I genuinely don't want to die this time last year I was running a half marathon living a normal life, I got put on prozac for social anxiety as Iv always been a bit shy and a worrier. They put me on Diaz at the same time as the prozac made me so jittery I was left on both as " doing so well on them "

When things get bad there really are no words to convey the panic in my head it feels like I'm being tortured from the inside out that's when I would beg to die to end the pain. Then after a few hrs it lightens a bit and I think how could I leave my little girl, but even when it's slightly easier it's still there I weird feeling of unease. Do you think this will ease ?

 

 

 

Thank you challis

I do have my parents but there getting older and I worry I'm putting too much stress on them

That's made me smile as I always ask my friend to take me for a drive when it's really bad.. I genuinely don't want to die this time last year I was running a half marathon living a normal life, I got put on prozac for social anxiety as Iv always been a bit shy and a worrier. They put me on Diaz at the same time as the prozac made me so jittery I was left on both as " doing so well on them "

When things get bad there really are no words to convey the panic in my head it feels like I'm being tortured from the inside out that's when I would beg to die to end the pain. Then after a few hrs it lightens a bit and I think how could I leave my little girl, but even when it's slightly easier it's still there I weird feeling of unease. Do you think this will ease ?

 

Yes, this is only temporary. Please know that it does end.

 

As much as you can, make yourself comfortable and be very gentle with yourself. It's a very uncomfortable feeling and your mind will play the benzo lies. Don't listen. It's just the echos of the drugs and echos fade. The further you're out from the jump, the better you'll feel.

 

You've gotta stay around for that little girl. How old is she?

Thank you for your support it's made me cry.. She's 7, I try so hard to pretend everything is normal for her, she's a princess.

Thank you for your support it's made me cry.. She's 7, I try so hard to pretend everything is normal for her, she's a princess.

 

What a sweet age! I bet she's excited about the holidays, too. Hang in there, tatty. You've got soooo much to live for. And you will feel better. 

I used to be a K-1-2 teacher.  Love those ages...if she knows you aren't feeling well, she's probably old enough to explain that some medicine has made you feel sick and it will take a little while for you to feel good again.  It's true and simple to understand at her age.  She may think of all sorts of reasons why you aren't your usual self right now, and if it were my little girl I'd tell her the same thing. 

I posted here although I do not have so much to say or give advice.  Just to relate my experience regarding suicidal thinking.  I had it too, when I was taking Pregabalin.  And also during inconsistent and irregular dosage of Klonopin.  It makes mood swings very ferocious, (sorry I cannot think the proper word, my memory is still recovering from Klonopin). 

 

When I was having suicidal thinking, I keep thinking of my family, specially my 2 daughters.  Death (sorry to mention this again) could stop and free us from pain, but I cannot bear the image of my love ones who does not know why I left them.

 

 

 

 

I know exactly what you mean, I want to be free of the pain so much but I can't bear the fact my daughter will need me and I won't be there for her the only hope I cling to is one day these feelings will ease... I truly hope you feel better too

Tatty, during the last 8 months of my tapering, actually there are some days that I feel good. I really don't know why.  Bad days and good days come and go.  Let's just let the days go by.

Iv felt low today as went to see a pychiatrist who told me I had GAD and wanted to put me back on diazapam and add mirtrazapine.he would not listen to my symptoms and had to google akathisia. I feel so alone

Iv felt low today as went to see a pychiatrist who told me I had GAD and wanted to put me back on diazapam and add mirtrazapine.he would not listen to my symptoms and had to google akathisia. I feel so alone

 

Personally, I wouldn't accept anyone's diagnosis of my mental/emotional condition until long after withdrawal was over.  Our thinking is controlled by withdrawal to a degree... different in everyone but significant enough to not be getting an accurate diagnosis of our mental conditions.

Iv felt low today as went to see a pychiatrist who told me I had GAD and wanted to put me back on diazapam and add mirtrazapine.he would not listen to my symptoms and had to google akathisia. I feel so alone

 

Hi Tatty, I saw your latest post 3 days ago, but it did not register in my brain.  I took Mirtazapine before.  It is antidepressant and hypnotic.  It can give me 10 hours of sleep.  However, it has some unusual side effect, emotional numbness.  Most AD and antianxiety medications has side effects of their own. 

 

Citalopram and Mirtazapine gives strong effect to me before.  If I take Mirtazapine, I could sleep the whole night, and I could also sleep during the day if I wanted to.

 

After my treatment with Klonopin, Citalopram and Mirtazapine has no more effect at all.

 

Benzo altered something in my brain.

 

It is really tricky and difficult to figure out what to do.

 

I do not know if you already tried Mirtazapine, if you tried I hope it is working on you.

 

I think, once we used benzo drugs, we can only get benefit from another benzo drugs.  That's only my opinion.  It may not be true to others.

 

MEexpat

Hi

No not taken the mitrazapine, I'm too scared they will make me feel worse and I cannot stand to feel worse plus Iv read mirt can cause akathisia.. Years ago I cold turkey Effexor and the withdrawl was pretty brutal it feels very similar to this with the exception that that ended after a week or so except for the nightmares, but this just goes on and on.. I simply can not see a end, sometimes I can manage to distract myself but sometimes it overwhelms me and I cannot stand to stay in my skin anymore that is the level of panic.  I often lay In bed telling myself I have to stay here in case something similar ever happens to my child I will be the only one who believes her and can help. Prior to this I have only had two bouts of depression one after I split from my partner and the other after I lost my job neither felt anything like this that is why I want to scream when I get told again And again that this is my previous problems coming back.

Hi Tatty, I read your signature again and you said you took sertraline, citalopram and prozac in the past.  And it only made you worse.  It may really be possible that after taking benzo, our body was change in a big way.  maybe mirtazapine will be useless to you too. 

 

i hope other members could offer some suggestions to your difficulties

 

i am also suffering from panic from time to time, and sometimes agitation

 

i am taking Vitamin E, 400 mg  it gives me good deep sleep.  Deep sleep boosts healing, of our entire body, and more importantly, of our brain.

 

keep in touch and take care

 

 

tatty,

 

I'm (unfortunately)  having some of these feelings myself now. I've only been on Lorazepam/Diazepam for a few months, but this is my second time through withdrawal (I was on Lorazepam for 7 months last year). I have a 6 year old and a 4 year old and thoughts of them are sometimes all that keeps me going. I can tell you this will pass, but what I can't tell you is when, which is of course what we all want to know. Remember to tell yourself that you have to hold on and for goodness sake, don't beat yourself up. You've got enough to deal with

Thank you for your support it's made me cry.. She's 7, I try so hard to pretend everything is normal for her, she's a princess.

 

7, 8, 9 are all so adorable, and then they all get naughty by about 12 or 13. They seem to know everything, and then  they come around again in their later teens. You have to be around for all of that. It is so worth it.  My daughter is 26, and we are so close. I do cherish those days of her being little.

well, all my previous suicide spells were related to wd horrors that i couldn't take anymore ....

today I'm having just usual black depression and despair

with light restlessness in my head and my extremities ....

 

its nothing too scary,

but problem is that I'm having this distress or maybe intrusive thoughts

where I'm completely cut off of my child

and its killing me...

i wanna be able to see her every day

i want her back, i don't wanna this pig have her....

 

 

so I'm being in such a distress that I'm having those thought about s*******

but its not wd related, i can tell...

 

 

as if this hell of a wd its not enough for me

i  have to be cut off of my only one child ....

 

 

so basically life striped me from 2 most precious things:

my child and bliss of reality....

 

no f***** comments

 

 

f***** hell

not life

all this BS existence of mine

 

 

I'm sorry, tattyapple...suicidal ideation is somewhat common in benzo and AD withdrawal both. We want you to stay safe, so I'd like to give you a link to some information and helplines:  Suicide, Self-Harm & Threatening Behaviour .

 

It's good to have someone with you when you feel this way.  Are you alone or do you have support at home? 

 

Challis

 

Hey, I'm just wondering why suicide, and self harm are included next to 'threatening behaviour' This gives out a very strange message.

 

Do you mean threatening as in threats of suicide? or threatening as in aggressive behaviour towards members?

 

Either way, I think its a bit inappropriate given that self harm and suicide are, for most people, very different to threatening behaviour.

 

I'm sorry, tattyapple...suicidal ideation is somewhat common in benzo and AD withdrawal both. We want you to stay safe, so I'd like to give you a link to some information and helplines:  Suicide, Self-Harm & Threatening Behaviour .

 

It's good to have someone with you when you feel this way.  Are you alone or do you have support at home? 

 

Challis

 

Hey, I'm just wondering why suicide, and self harm are included next to 'threatening behaviour' This gives out a very strange message.

 

Do you mean threatening as in threats of suicide? or threatening as in aggressive behaviour towards members?

 

Either way, I think its a bit inappropriate given that self harm and suicide are, for most people, very different to threatening behaviour.

 

 

This mainly refers to threatening behavior towards others in their lives. Since this is also a very serious situation and one that needs professional help, the numbers provided are appropriate for both suicide and threatening behavior. These are things that are beyond the scope of our forum to deal with.

 

pianogirl

Sorry you're going through this, OP.  *Hugs*

 

Suicidal thoughts are not abnormal during withdrawal but if you're thinking of acting on them, seek help immediately.  While it doesn't feel like it at the time, these feelings are temporary and do go away.  During withdrawal I lost the ability to feel any pleasure from the things I used to love.  I fixated not only on suicide but on the pointlessness of human existence in general.  It took 10 months for me to even begin to feel like myself again. 

 

But eventually I did.   

 

Slowly but surely, the depression is fading along with the feelings of panic and cognitive impairment.  The waves get less severe and the windows get bigger and brighter.  The cliche "suicide is a permanent solution to a temporary problem" applies more to benzo withdrawal than other forms of depression.  It really IS temporary.