ANYONE have CONSTANT EXISTENTIAL thoughts?

I'm 10 months out from a horrific c/t w/d.

I constantly (like ALL day) contemplate life, my existence, my death, generations that have been before. I was always inquisitive and I sort of delighted in reading about ancient civilizations but now it is a nightmare. How the hell can "thinking" these insane things be withdrawal? These thoughts make me shake and consume me with fear. I just want to go to target or some store and just "be" without looking at every single person and imaging their death, etc.

Can anyone relate?

My worse symptoms have been mental anguish/anxiety/Dp & Dr. 

I did have intense burning anxiety bodily sensations that were out of this world.

I called them brain loops and yes they are exhausting but they will go away. I realized that my brain had no brakes ie not enough functioning GABA receptors and too much fuel.....ie the Glutamate, and was unable to calm itself down until it healed more. Those looping thoughts can vary from person to person. For the longest time the thoughts actually felt like 3D boxes that were rotating in my head. Sometimes so fast that it felt like a cyclone. I soon realized that w/d was grossly distorting my perception. As I healed I was able to see how things lessened in both frequency and intensity.

 

I am sure you want to scream when someone tells you to distract but seriously that's the best thing you can do. Even if it's something mindless and even if you every cell in your body does not feel like distracting......do it anyway. It's a survival skill

 

Hang in there. 

Yes, I do try and distract. I've organized every nook and cranny of my house

I agree: distract, distract, distract! I also agree that it makes it worse to "fight" with the thoughts and symptoms. Yes, exasperates the anxiety.

I miss my life and my family. Neither "exist" right now. How sweet life will be to just "be." I HATE BENZODIAZIPINES! The worst drug ever made. I use to love my little white pill -was cluess!!!!!!!

mandala,

Did the thoughts stop? Do they really ever stop?  On of my biggest fears is that the intrusive thoughts have permanently altered my perception.

Also, when you were still in w/d, did things about your life that bothered you seem just 100x worse. I have things that have fallen apart in my life and when I think about them I just shake.  I guess I'm trying to determine how much of a mess I am "unmedicated."  Thanks!

This has been my worst withdrawal symptom. It's so horrible. It has gotten better but it still comes back.  It's just as terrifying as the first time. I can't explain it as good as you did but I know exactly what you mean.

mandala,

Did the thoughts stop? Do they really ever stop?  On of my biggest fears is that the intrusive thoughts have permanently altered my perception.

Also, when you were still in w/d, did things about your life that bothered you seem just 100x worse. I have things that have fallen apart in my life and when I think about them I just shake.  I guess I'm trying to determine how much of a mess I am "unmedicated."  Thanks!

 

Yup they do. I had them non stop for more than 2 years. Your perception is already temporarily altered while you are healing. It won't be that way always. I have a quiet mind now.......and so will you. What a blessing.

 

Yes everything felt 1000 times worse than it was. Nothing was right with anything and everything was wrong. I thought my life was over. Your brain b/c it can't calm itself down blows everything out of proportion until you heal more.

 

Do not start trying to figure anything out about how much of a mess you are in unmedicated until you heal. You have to give it LOTS of time. It's just like losing weight. A person puts on 100 pounds over one or two years..........you don't lose that weight over night. It's unreasonable to expect healing to happen overnight. Even with those who were on benzos short term. I know this b/c 30 years ago I was prescribed a benzo for less than one month and just stopped. I was very sick for a long time but had no idea then what was going on. So just be patient with yourself. Don't fight the thoughts. They are only thoughts. Just let them pass through you. One day you will find yourself rolling your eyes and the thoughts and thinking this is SO old and SO boring......and then one day it will all just calm down and fade out.

 

Take good care. mandala

This has been my worst withdrawal symptom. It's so horrible. It has gotten better but it still comes back.  It's just as terrifying as the first time. I can't explain it as good as you did but I know exactly what you mean.

 

I have tried to figure out why when the thoughts return why it was just a scary as the first time it happened. The only thing I could come up with is that the organic fear returned with the thoughts. It's good that you have had breaks MayMay. Yes it sucks when they return but as I said to 1314 they will just fade away and eventually never come back. It's just a brain with not enough brakes.

 

Take good care, mandala

mandala,

Did the thoughts stop? Do they really ever stop?  On of my biggest fears is that the intrusive thoughts have permanently altered my perception.

Also, when you were still in w/d, did things about your life that bothered you seem just 100x worse. I have things that have fallen apart in my life and when I think about them I just shake.  I guess I'm trying to determine how much of a mess I am "unmedicated."  Thanks!

 

Yup they do. I had them non stop for more than 2 years. Your perception is already temporarily altered while you are healing. It won't be that way always. I have a quiet mind now.......and so will you. What a blessing.

 

Yes everything felt 1000 times worse than it was. Nothing was right with anything and everything was wrong. I thought my life was over. Your brain b/c it can't calm itself down blows everything out of proportion until you heal more.

 

Do not start trying to figure anything out about how much of a mess you are in unmedicated until you heal. You have to give it LOTS of time. It's just like losing weight. A person puts on 100 pounds over one or two years..........you don't lose that weight over night. It's unreasonable to expect healing to happen overnight. Even with those who were on benzos short term. I know this b/c 30 years ago I was prescribed a benzo for less than one month and just stopped. I was very sick for a long time but had no idea then what was going on. So just be patient with yourself. Don't fight the thoughts. They are only thoughts. Just let them pass through you. One day you will find yourself rolling your eyes and the thoughts and thinking this is SO old and SO boring......and then one day it will all just calm down and fade out.

 

Take good care. mandala

 

Hi Mandala

 

How long where you recovering years ago after the 1 month use ??

 

How different or worse was it the second time round or this time round ??

 

I have all the same thoughts that 1314next has at 23 month out the same as Maymay and no matter how many times I've read you say on various posts that it goes away its hard to imagine that it does or more so that it can???

 

It is such an empty lonely place filled with nothingness and despair, I call it trapped in purtgtory !!

 

The existential thoughts just loop and loop all day every day, I'm all the time trying to figure out what people are, what makes them work, what makes them think, what makes their eyes blink, what makes them talk and my biggest all day long looping thought is that we are all just robots walking around just made up of thoughts, I think everyone is just walking around in this made up world and none of it really exists, why do we work, why do we eat, why do we need to sleep, why do we just do the same things day in day out, what's the point of it all, I tell people it's like been stuck in that movie ' Ground Hog Day ' and my movie has played the same daily scene for now 23 months and already my brain is thinking tomorrow is pointless as it will just be the same thing all over again..

 

I never had any of these existential thoughts before benzos so I know this is not the real ME but still I wish it would end so I could be ME again, the real ME that I lost to 2 weeks of Lorazepam !!!!

 

Yes I did go back on to taper over 4 months but again by taking bad advice like the first 2 weeks use.

 

How can a pill do this to us and for so long, it's criminal !!!!

 

Mandala did these thoughts along with the DP DR just fade out for you very slowly or how did they go away? Do you ever get reminders or flashbacks of DP DR or existinal thoughts now ,?

 

Bless you for all you do on here..

 

Best Wishes

 

Woofs

I experienced something akin to this intensely for several weeks. It's better now, but still with me always. It's like my worry reaches far, far back and far, far forward regarding the big issues. It has improved for me immensely, but weighs me down if I'm not otherwise occupied. I also had a propensity for these types of thoughts before, but not laden with the sadness and not so invasive. Benzos kick us in our weak spots. I hope it lifts for us all soon!

Hi Mandala

 

How long where you recovering years ago after the 1 month use ??

 

Hi Woofs,

 

Sorry this is so long but didn't want to answer with only saying I don't know. Maybe some of this info will help you?

 

To be honest I don't know how long it took b/c I had no idea what was wrong with me. In Sept 1984 my dad died. I was in my second yr of lab medicine. In June of that same year I won an award for the highest marks in the class, which was quite an accomplishment for me after having to work full time for one year and go to night schoool 4 nights a week to upgrade. Then 3 months later in Sept 1984 after taking Serax for less than one month I was on the verge of getting kicked out of the course b/c my marks we so low AND b/c of my "behaviour". I could not even finish or follow the procedures in the lab. I was confused ALL the time. I was crying ALL the time. Some of this was while still on the Serax. I thought at the time that I was grieving. I also became paranoid and I accused my best friend of stealing my binder to prevent me from studying for an exam. How twisted is that? I stopped sleeping, I began having panic attacks at night. I lost a lot of weight and on and on. I barely made it through that year.

 

The next year was my practical year at the hospital. I was still having a lot of the same issues. Again I thought it was all related to my dad dying. I now see that I was under a huge amount of stress and I am sure that contributed adversely to the recovery. The following year after moving and taking on a full time job in the lab I began craving alcohol. I had no idea why b/c I never liked to drink. Of course I now know it was related to w/d b/c I experienced the same thing while ON benzos from 2008 - 2012. Alcohol always depressed me so much even after one drink. But in 1986? I drank some cider over a period of months and became very agoraphobic and depressed. I was then misdiagnosed as ADHD and put on Ritalin. Again I had no idea what was going on. I stayed on Ritalin for maybe one year. Then quit c/t. I ended up having to quit a profession in reseach b/c I was SO agitated that I could not sit still. The next several years were up and downs b/c I suspect I was still healing from the Ritalin and I don't know where the benzo healing came into play during that time. I do know that for whatever reason I am very sensitive to drugs of any kind.

 

1998 was when I began taking the OTC drug Gravol for insomnia and became very depressed and again agoraphobic but I thought at the time I was just depressed b/c I was in a bad marriage and had lost my self confidence. I asked my dr if taking Gravol was safe....he replied while laughing at the same time, "it's cheap, if it works why not". The Gravol led to several ADs and c/ts from those and well the next 15 years it became worse and worse.....but now of course way better than in decades. 

 

Let me make it clear that I never asked my dr for this drug. I was 25 at the time and I did not find out until 30 years later that my mother asked the dr "for a little something" to help my sister and me to cope with the death of my father. It was not until one day during my recovery from these drugs that I had a strange feeling that seemed VERY familiar to me. I was kind of transported back to being in the lab and being SO confused. I said to myself this is SO very familiar. I phoned my mom and asked her "what was the drug that you asked the dr to give to me when dad died"? she said "Serax", the next 30 years of my life just flashed before my eyes and everything...fell into place. I realized that those few weeks of taking that drug and stopping c/t set the course for the next 30 years. My younger sister who was 17 at the time never had the reaction I did but she did tell me just recently that she had some seizures after stopping the Serax but she never told anyone. We now know it was c/t from the Serax. Wow is all I can say.

 

How different or worse was it the second time round or this time round ??

Every time I stopped a Z drug or Benzo the w/d became worse. I just can't find the words right now for what it was like both on the drugs and after stopping them. As a matter of fact every time I was prescribed one of those drugs again, my reaction to those drugs after taking one dose became worse. I recently found a letter I wrote to my dr in 2009 and gave him to put in my medical chart. I told him "I tried the Xanax one night like you suggested and I have not slept for 2 days. I tried the Zopilcone once and I had to call in sick for work b/c I am so agoraphobic I can't leave the house and I don't want people looking at me". Sadly, that letter was never put in my medical chart. Again, I did not know that these adverse reactions were indicative of perhaps tolerance w/d or just paradoxical reactions to these drugs. It would be 3 more years and more than 20 drugs before I found my way out.

 

I have all the same thoughts that 1314next has at 23 month out the same as Maymay and no matter how many times I've read you say on various posts that it goes away its hard to imagine that it does or more so that it can???

 

The reason why you don't believe that the looping intrusive thoughts will go away is b/c your brain won't let you yet. Those thoughts are organic and a known component of w/d and recovery. My brain felt like it had been taken hostage all the time until day 735 when I had a 4 hr window. I NEVER thought my mind would be quiet again and I was also battling 15 years of being told that I was mentally ill and I had that fear in the back of my mind until.....of course I began to get more windows. The thoughts are just b/c your brain does not have enough brakes/GABA right now. But with time things will slow down. You may notice a lessening with regard to the intensity and the frequency. Then you might have seconds or minutes of a quieter mind. Healing will happen.

 

It is such an empty lonely place filled with nothingness and despair, I call it trapped in purtgtory !!

 

Yes it is a crappy thing to go through but it's not forever. I know when you are in the thick of it it does feel like forever. Some of us while recovering from these drugs have to redefine temporary. You will heal and it's very unfortunate that even those who took the drug for a short period of time have a very rocky road till they recover.

 

The existential thoughts just loop and loop all day every day, I'm all the time trying to figure out what people are, what makes them work, what makes them think, what makes their eyes blink, what makes them talk and my biggest all day long looping thought is that we are all just robots walking around just made up of thoughts, I think everyone is just walking around in this made up world and none of it really exists, why do we work, why do we eat, why do we need to sleep, why do we just do the same things day in day out, what's the point of it all, I tell people it's like been stuck in that movie ' Ground Hog Day ' and my movie has played the same daily scene for now 23 months and already my brain is thinking tomorrow is pointless as it will just be the same thing all over again..

 

I never had any of these existential thoughts before benzos so I know this is not the real ME but still I wish it would end so I could be ME again, the real ME that I lost to 2 weeks of Lorazepam !!!!

 

Yes I did go back on to taper over 4 months but again by taking bad advice like the first 2 weeks use.

 

How can a pill do this to us and for so long, it's criminal !!!!

 

I do understand that the excess activity in your brain while you are healing is exhausting in many ways. I am sure you work at distracting. It's a full time job in itself. We can't stop the thoughts per say but working at accepting them will give them less power. Fighting them will only make them bigger and give them more power than they deserve. I don't know why some people are affected to the extent that they are but I suspect it's genetics. The blessing that I held on to was at least I knew what had been making me so ill for all those years and that I was now off the drugs. I had to have blind faith and trust in the innate ability of my brain to know what to do. I considered myself lucky that I had been able to experience some of the terrible symptoms while still on the drugs b/c that helped me to stay strong and hang on to the thread of hope. There are many people out there who have no idea what's going on with them as far as w/d goes. We are the lucky ones.

 

Mandala did these thoughts along with the DP DR just fade out for you very slowly or how did they go away? Do you ever get reminders or flashbacks of DP DR or existinal thoughts now ,?

Yes as mentioned above (was answering the questions as I read them so some repetition) I began to get breaks in terms of seconds or minutes which became longer. I will never forget the relief I felt when my mind was quiet for a few seconds. That was in month 24. I was standing at the kitchen sink looking out the window and interestingly was having a window....but not for long. I just stood there and cried. Of course I thought it was all over and I was healed. lol........nope not yet......but I had been tossed a morsel that helped me to keep going. Once the 24/7 symptoms began to change to windows and waves, the waves always or more often than not still had that psychological component to them. All I could do was distract and hold on for the ride, but while in it, it felt like it had never stopped and would never end. Usually these lasted one to two days non stop. It was like getting slammed with a tsunami. The past two months have shown the most healing. I can have waves that are a few hours to a couple of days. The psychological component does not always come back but when it does I just distract as best I can and wait it out. It gets very old after a while, but it still can have that fear aspect to it until it passes.

 

The DP/DR is pretty much gone. That was with me until about month 29. I began to get breaks from it around month 25? I can remember the first time I laughed. I looked around to see who was laughing. It was me and the sound of my laughter scared me b/c it was SO foreign to me. I could not believe that it was me who was laughing. All of that disconnect goes away. There were periods when the DP/DR would return even stronger than before it left and then go away again. I have seen this time and time again for every symptom. Some symptoms leave for months and then come back for one more visit before leaving for good. For me things began to lessen with regard to intensity and frequency. Then would go away and then come back. Some things stayed away and some things didn't.

 

I just came to a place of acceptance that this unpredictable healing pattern was unique to the recovery from these drugs and my brain knew what it needed to do. I have learned to trust myself and my body and brain. That in itself is a blessing.

 

I have no doubt that you will heal.

 

Again sorry that this is so long. I don't know any other way to answer your questions that might help you. 

 

Bless you for all you do on here..  Thanks so much Woofs. You are a great support to other as well. Stay strong and dig deep.......just like you have been doing all along. 

Best Wishes

 

Woofs

 

 

Hi Mandala

 

How long where you recovering years ago after the 1 month use ??

 

Hi Woofs,

 

Sorry this is so long but didn't want to answer with only saying I don't know. Maybe some of this info will help you?

 

To be honest I don't know how long it took b/c I had no idea what was wrong with me. In Sept 1984 my dad died. I was in my second yr of lab medicine. In June of that same year I won an award for the highest marks in the class, which was quite an accomplishment for me after having to work full time for one year and go to night schoool 4 nights a week to upgrade. Then 3 months later in Sept 1984 after taking Serax for less than one month I was on the verge of getting kicked out of the course b/c my marks we so low AND b/c of my "behaviour". I could not even finish or follow the procedures in the lab. I was confused ALL the time. I was crying ALL the time. Some of this was while still on the Serax. I thought at the time that I was grieving. I also became paranoid and I accused my best friend of stealing my binder to prevent me from studying for an exam. How twisted is that? I stopped sleeping, I began having panic attacks at night. I lost a lot of weight and on and on. I barely made it through that year.

 

The next year was my practical year at the hospital. I was still having a lot of the same issues. Again I thought it was all related to my dad dying. I now see that I was under a huge amount of stress and I am sure that contributed adversely to the recovery. The following year after moving and taking on a full time job in the lab I began craving alcohol. I had no idea why b/c I never liked to drink. Of course I now know it was related to w/d b/c I experienced the same thing while ON benzos from 2008 - 2012. Alcohol always depressed me so much even after one drink. But in 1986? I drank some cider over a period of months and became very agoraphobic and depressed. I was then misdiagnosed as ADHD and put on Ritalin. Again I had no idea what was going on. I stayed on Ritalin for maybe one year. Then quit c/t. I ended up having to quit a profession in reseach b/c I was SO agitated that I could not sit still. The next several years were up and downs b/c I suspect I was still healing from the Ritalin and I don't know where the benzo healing came into play during that time. I do know that for whatever reason I am very sensitive to drugs of any kind.

 

1998 was when I began taking the OTC drug Gravol for insomnia and became very depressed and again agoraphobic but I thought at the time I was just depressed b/c I was in a bad marriage and had lost my self confidence. I asked my dr if taking Gravol was safe....he replied while laughing at the same time, "it's cheap, if it works why not". The Gravol led to several ADs and c/ts from those and well the next 15 years it became worse and worse.....but now of course way better than in decades. 

 

Let me make it clear that I never asked my dr for this drug. I was 25 at the time and I did not find out until 30 years later that my mother asked the dr "for a little something" to help my sister and me to cope with the death of my father. It was not until one day during my recovery from these drugs that I had a strange feeling that seemed VERY familiar to me. I was kind of transported back to being in the lab and being SO confused. I said to myself this is SO very familiar. I phoned my mom and asked her "what was the drug that you asked the dr to give to me when dad died"? she said "Serax", the next 30 years of my life just flashed before my eyes and everything...fell into place. I realized that those few weeks of taking that drug and stopping c/t set the course for the next 30 years. My younger sister who was 17 at the time never had the reaction I did but she did tell me just recently that she had some seizures after stopping the Serax but she never told anyone. We now know it was c/t from the Serax. Wow is all I can say.

 

How different or worse was it the second time round or this time round ??

Every time I stopped a Z drug or Benzo the w/d became worse. I just can't find the words right now for what it was like both on the drugs and after stopping them. As a matter of fact every time I was prescribed one of those drugs again, my reaction to those drugs after taking one dose became worse. I recently found a letter I wrote to my dr in 2009 and gave him to put in my medical chart. I told him "I tried the Xanax one night like you suggested and I have not slept for 2 days. I tried the Zopilcone once and I had to call in sick for work b/c I am so agoraphobic I can't leave the house and I don't want people looking at me". Sadly, that letter was never put in my medical chart. Again, I did not know that these adverse reactions were indicative of perhaps tolerance w/d or just paradoxical reactions to these drugs. It would be 3 more years and more than 20 drugs before I found my way out.

 

I have all the same thoughts that 1314next has at 23 month out the same as Maymay and no matter how many times I've read you say on various posts that it goes away its hard to imagine that it does or more so that it can???

 

The reason why you don't believe that the looping intrusive thoughts will go away is b/c your brain won't let you yet. Those thoughts are organic and a known component of w/d and recovery. My brain felt like it had been taken hostage all the time until day 735 when I had a 4 hr window. I NEVER thought my mind would be quiet again and I was also battling 15 years of being told that I was mentally ill and I had that fear in the back of my mind until.....of course I began to get more windows. The thoughts are just b/c your brain does not have enough brakes/GABA right now. But with time things will slow down. You may notice a lessening with regard to the intensity and the frequency. Then you might have seconds or minutes of a quieter mind. Healing will happen.

 

It is such an empty lonely place filled with nothingness and despair, I call it trapped in purtgtory !!

 

Yes it is a crappy thing to go through but it's not forever. I know when you are in the thick of it it does feel like forever. Some of us while recovering from these drugs have to redefine temporary. You will heal and it's very unfortunate that even those who took the drug for a short period of time have a very rocky road till they recover.

 

The existential thoughts just loop and loop all day every day, I'm all the time trying to figure out what people are, what makes them work, what makes them think, what makes their eyes blink, what makes them talk and my biggest all day long looping thought is that we are all just robots walking around just made up of thoughts, I think everyone is just walking around in this made up world and none of it really exists, why do we work, why do we eat, why do we need to sleep, why do we just do the same things day in day out, what's the point of it all, I tell people it's like been stuck in that movie ' Ground Hog Day ' and my movie has played the same daily scene for now 23 months and already my brain is thinking tomorrow is pointless as it will just be the same thing all over again..

 

I never had any of these existential thoughts before benzos so I know this is not the real ME but still I wish it would end so I could be ME again, the real ME that I lost to 2 weeks of Lorazepam !!!!

 

Yes I did go back on to taper over 4 months but again by taking bad advice like the first 2 weeks use.

 

How can a pill do this to us and for so long, it's criminal !!!!

 

I do understand that the excess activity in your brain while you are healing is exhausting in many ways. I am sure you work at distracting. It's a full time job in itself. We can't stop the thoughts per say but working at accepting them will give them less power. Fighting them will only make them bigger and give them more power than they deserve. I don't know why some people are affected to the extent that they are but I suspect it's genetics. The blessing that I held on to was at least I knew what had been making me so ill for all those years and that I was now off the drugs. I had to have blind faith and trust in the innate ability of my brain to know what to do. I considered myself lucky that I had been able to experience some of the terrible symptoms while still on the drugs b/c that helped me to stay strong and hang on to the thread of hope. There are many people out there who have no idea what's going on with them as far as w/d goes. We are the lucky ones.

 

Mandala did these thoughts along with the DP DR just fade out for you very slowly or how did they go away? Do you ever get reminders or flashbacks of DP DR or existinal thoughts now ,?

Yes as mentioned above (was answering the questions as I read them so some repetition) I began to get breaks in terms of seconds or minutes which became longer. I will never forget the relief I felt when my mind was quiet for a few seconds. That was in month 24. I was standing at the kitchen sink looking out the window and interestingly was having a window....but not for long. I just stood there and cried. Of course I thought it was all over and I was healed. lol........nope not yet......but I had been tossed a morsel that helped me to keep going. Once the 24/7 symptoms began to change to windows and waves, the waves always or more often than not still had that psychological component to them. All I could do was distract and hold on for the ride, but while in it, it felt like it had never stopped and would never end. Usually these lasted one to two days non stop. It was like getting slammed with a tsunami. The past two months have shown the most healing. I can have waves that are a few hours to a couple of days. The psychological component does not always come back but when it does I just distract as best I can and wait it out. It gets very old after a while, but it still can have that fear aspect to it until it passes.

 

The DP/DR is pretty much gone. That was with me until about month 29. I began to get breaks from it around month 25? I can remember the first time I laughed. I looked around to see who was laughing. It was me and the sound of my laughter scared me b/c it was SO foreign to me. I could not believe that it was me who was laughing. All of that disconnect goes away. There were periods when the DP/DR would return even stronger than before it left and then go away again. I have seen this time and time again for every symptom. Some symptoms leave for months and then come back for one more visit before leaving for good. For me things began to lessen with regard to intensity and frequency. Then would go away and then come back. Some things stayed away and some things didn't.

 

I just came to a place of acceptance that this unpredictable healing pattern was unique to the recovery from these drugs and my brain knew what it needed to do. I have learned to trust myself and my body and brain. That in itself is a blessing.

 

I have no doubt that you will heal.

 

Again sorry that this is so long. I don't know any other way to answer your questions that might help you. 

 

Bless you for all you do on here..  Thanks so much Woofs. You are a great support to other as well. Stay strong and dig deep.......just like you have been doing all along. 

Best Wishes

 

Woofs

 

My dearest mandala

 

I am touched beyound words, I have tears in my eyes, heart and mind for all you went through..

 

And 'NO' it was not too long, it was touching and so heartfelt that by the end it was like I knew you..

 

I am amazed every day that I have survived this torture for what feels like forever but I am beyound words amazed how you survived all you went through..

 

I suppose I feel cheated as I took them for no Lenght and look what happened, your one hell of an inspiration and I am truly and sincerely greatfull too you for 1, you taking the time to respond to me and 2, for sharing your story, I am going to try digest the hope you included in your response as I want nothing more than to get my life back and know who I am again and where I truly am..

 

I miss been ME, I miss been present and I miss feeling real, I know too long now what it feels like to be a Ghost without any identity and I'm sick of been Woofs, I want to be KEITH again!!!

 

Thank you ever so much once again..

 

Blessings & Best Wishes

 

Keith Aka Woofs

 

My dearest mandala

 

I am touched beyound words, I have tears in my eyes, heart and mind for all you went through..

 

And 'NO' it was not too long, it was touching and so heartfelt that by the end it was like I knew you..

 

I am amazed every day that I have survived this torture for what feels like forever but I am beyound words amazed how you survived all you went through..

 

I suppose I feel cheated as I took them for no Lenght and look what happened, your one hell of an inspiration and I am truly and sincerely greatfull too you for 1, you taking the time to respond to me and 2, for sharing your story, I am going to try digest the hope you included in your response as I want nothing more than to get my life back and know who I am again and where I truly am..

 

I miss been ME, I miss been present and I miss feeling real, I know too long now what it feels like to be a Ghost without any identity and I'm sick of been Woofs, I want to be KEITH again!!!

 

Thank you ever so much once again..

 

Blessings & Best Wishes

 

Keith Aka Woofs

 

Hi Woofs,

 

Thanks for your kind and supportive words. I am glad that the reply was not too long. When we are in the thick of this it's hard to think of the affirmations we need to tell ourself over and over again. This is why I wrote things down and kept them handy. All I had to do was grab the paper and read all the truths that I needed to be reminded of. One of the most important ones was that the real me was not lost, my soul was not lost, and my personality was not lost, but all of those things were just temporarily masked by the w/d and recovery. All of those things are there for you too but your brain cannot access them right now b/c it's too busy working on recovering. One of the scariest things for me was feeling like a shell of a person or a ghost. Once you heal more those feelings and aspects of yourself will emerge.

 

One of the reasons why I tell people to force themselves to keep doing things is b/c I know that just going through the motions of things we used to enjoy doing does actually trigger something in the brain and it helps to rewire those connections. I guess it's along the lines of neuroplasticity. I witnessed this myself time and time again. I had agoraphobia so badly but I forced myself to not only go out every day but to interact with others. I would go for walks and pretend to be lost and force myself to stop someone and ask for directions. More often than not this would lead to a conversation and that interaction in turn helped to build my confidence again. I would also force myself to do something creative. Not one ounce of my body or brain felt like it but I did it anyway. Periodically, as I was going through the motions, I would have a thought pop into my head or I would have a feeling and I would realize "hey that thought or feeling is familiar to me". Or I would find myself thinking "I remember that part of my personality from a long time ago". One day I was in the grocery store and there was an elderly woman who could not find something. I asked her if I could help her and I showed her where the item was that she couldn't find. As I was walking down the aisle this rush of energy went through me and I found myself thinking "I can remember that I used to love helping people before all this happened". I felt like I was outside of myself witnessing part of my personality come back. I knew I just had to keep doing things and challenging myself and rest would fall into place. When parts of your personality begin to emerge again (and it will) you will know it b/c it feels like coming home to yourself. 

 

Till next time, please take good care, mandala 

 

My dearest mandala

 

I am touched beyound words, I have tears in my eyes, heart and mind for all you went through..

 

And 'NO' it was not too long, it was touching and so heartfelt that by the end it was like I knew you..

 

I am amazed every day that I have survived this torture for what feels like forever but I am beyound words amazed how you survived all you went through..

 

I suppose I feel cheated as I took them for no Lenght and look what happened, your one hell of an inspiration and I am truly and sincerely greatfull too you for 1, you taking the time to respond to me and 2, for sharing your story, I am going to try digest the hope you included in your response as I want nothing more than to get my life back and know who I am again and where I truly am..

 

I miss been ME, I miss been present and I miss feeling real, I know too long now what it feels like to be a Ghost without any identity and I'm sick of been Woofs, I want to be KEITH again!!!

 

Thank you ever so much once again..

 

Blessings & Best Wishes

 

Keith Aka Woofs

 

Hi Woofs,

 

Thanks for your kind and supportive words. I am glad that the reply was not too long. When we are in the thick of this it's hard to think of the affirmations we need to tell ourself over and over again. This is why I wrote things down and kept them handy. All I had to do was grab the paper and read all the truths that I needed to be reminded of. One of the most important ones was that the real me was not lost, my soul was not lost, and my personality was not lost, but all of those things were just temporarily masked by the w/d and recovery. All of those things are there for you too but your brain cannot access them right now b/c it's too busy working on recovering.

 

One of the scariest things for me was feeling like a shell of a person or a ghost. Once you heal more those feelings and aspects of yourself will emerge.

 

 

 

Dearest Mandala this is me to a tee, even my family and friends say they can see I'm only a shell of the man I used to be but not one of them believe it's because of the benzos as I was only on such a short time! But everyday I'm looking for me as I never feel I'm here or present, I wonder all the time who am I when I talk or eat, it never feels like it's coming from the real ME within, it's like I'm robotic with no real personality, when I meet people I have to act as I can't remember how to be ME and just BE, so terrfying!!

 

As one lady put on another DP these, she misses just been able to just BE, like sit in a cafe or a Library and just BE, whereas she feels so strange and altered she can no longer just BE !!

 

I honestly don't know how I survive when I'm out as I never feel present, everything looks wrong and distorted and I feel I'm stuck in a time warp and the head pressure makes the noise and stimulation unbearable, when I'm walking I don't know who's walking and when as you say I stop to have light conversations I never feel like it's my thoughts that are talking, it feels so strange and alien to even hear my voice speak and lately sounds I hear sound evem more distorted??? It's like part of me knows they don't sound like that and it gives me an awful erry feeling.. I also never know if it's a new day as all my days feel like the same day over and over again that why I say my life feels like the movie Groundhog Day, it's so bizzare to have no connection to time or space along with no connection to yourself, and now I'm even wondering who I am responding to you and its given me a n awful rising feeling of fear in the pit of my gut, even just looking around the room here right now everything looks erry and ghostly like it don't really exist and all I see is made up, how do we keep going like this? I honestly and truly do not know if I'm here or not as I feel I live in purtgutory and I trapped between hell and earth, so you had all this and it's now GONE ?

 

 

 

 

One of the reasons why I tell people to force themselves to keep doing things is b/c I know that just going through the motions of things we used to enjoy doing does actually trigger something in the brain and it helps to rewire those connections. I guess it's along the lines of neuroplasticity. I witnessed this myself time and time again. I had agoraphobia so badly but I forced myself to not only go out every day but to interact with others. I would go for walks and pretend to be lost and force myself to stop someone and ask for directions. More often than not this would lead to a conversation and that interaction in turn helped to build my confidence again. I would also force myself to do something creative. Not one ounce of my body or brain felt like it but I did it anyway. Periodically, as I was going through the motions, I would have a thought pop into my head or I would have a feeling and I would realize "hey that thought or feeling is familiar to me". Or I would find myself thinking "I remember that part of my personality from a long time ago". One day I was in the grocery store and there was an elderly woman who could not find something. I asked her if I could help her and I showed her where the item was that she couldn't find. As I was walking down the aisle this rush of energy went through me and I found myself thinking "I can remember that I used to love helping people before all this happened". I felt like I was outside of myself witnessing part of my personality come back. I knew I just had to keep doing things and challenging myself and rest would fall into place. When parts of your personality begin to emerge again (and it will) you will know it b/c it feels like coming home to yourself. 

 

SOME SAY

[color=purple]ITS[/color]

LIKE BEEN REBORN

 

So Mandala at this time in your journey from hell to well what's left symptom wise for you ??

 

Best Wishes

 

Woofs

 

Till next time, please take good care, mandala

This is exactly how I feel, although I get breaks from it where I don't think those "thoughts" but I think that makes it all the harder for me when I loop again! I hate this!! Thanks for reaffirming that this will go away Mandala! I needed so badly to hear this!!!

 

A HEARTFELT THANK YOU TO Mandala!!!!! You're giving me so much solid hope -that you for caring for us and sharing your story!!! Thank you! :smitten:

A HEARTFELT THANK YOU TO Mandala!!!!! You're giving me so much solid hope -that you for caring for us and sharing your story!!! Thank you! :smitten:

 

You are very welcome. Take good care 

This is exactly how I feel, although I get breaks from it where I don't think those "thoughts" but I think that makes it all the harder for me when I loop again! I hate this!! Thanks for reaffirming that this will go away Mandala! I needed so badly to hear this!!!

 

 

Hi GMIT, you are very welcome too. Take good care 

 

One of the scariest things for me was feeling like a shell of a person or a ghost. Once you heal more those feelings and aspects of yourself will emerge.

 

Dearest Mandala this is me to a tee, even my family and friends say they can see I'm only a shell of the man I used to be but not one of them believe it's because of the benzos as I was only on such a short time! But everyday I'm looking for me as I never feel I'm here or present, I wonder all the time who am I when I talk or eat, it never feels like it's coming from the real ME within, it's like I'm robotic with no real personality, when I meet people I have to act as I can't remember how to be ME and just BE, so terrfying!!

 

As one lady put on another DP these, she misses just been able to just BE, like sit in a cafe or a Library and just BE, whereas she feels so strange and altered she can no longer just BE !!

 

I honestly don't know how I survive when I'm out as I never feel present, everything looks wrong and distorted and I feel I'm stuck in a time warp and the head pressure makes the noise and stimulation unbearable, when I'm walking I don't know who's walking and when as you say I stop to have light conversations I never feel like it's my thoughts that are talking, it feels so strange and alien to even hear my voice speak and lately sounds I hear sound evem more distorted??? It's like part of me knows they don't sound like that and it gives me an awful erry feeling.. I also never know if it's a new day as all my days feel like the same day over and over again that why I say my life feels like the movie Groundhog Day, it's so bizzare to have no connection to time or space along with no connection to yourself, and now I'm even wondering who I am responding to you and its given me a n awful rising feeling of fear in the pit of my gut, even just looking around the room here right now everything looks erry and ghostly like it don't really exist and all I see is made up, how do we keep going like this? I honestly and truly do not know if I'm here or not as I feel I live in purtgutory and I trapped between hell and earth, so you had all this and it's now GONE ?

 

Hi Keith, sorry for the late reply,

 

I understand everything you are talking about. All those symptoms began for me after c/t from the K......about 8 weeks after and then worsened exponentially during the 5 weeks I was reinstated on V and then worsened exponentially again after stopping all drugs. My first experience was I looked in the mirror and did not recognize my face, then I became so scared and had to drive for 3 hours to get home all the time not being able to feel my body sitting on the seat of the car. This was Dec 2011 so 3 months before stopping all drugs. Then I was at home writing in my journal and could see that my hand was moving but it did not feel connected to my arm. It just looked like a robotic hand. A few months later and after finally figuring out what was going on, I somehow was better able to accept all this extreme weirdness b/c I knew they were known side effects of w/d AND b/c a lot of this began while ON the drug.

 

We become experts at acting while we heal. We have to. It's constant self talk to keep it together. Yes I know what you mean about feeling outside of yourself while talking to others. Like you are observing yourself and perhaps not in your body. ALL of that will go away. Try if possible to not label these temporary side effects as terrifying etc. It just gives them more power than they deserve. I do not in any way want to minimize what you are going through but when it comes down to it, all that is going on is that your perceptions are temporarily distorted. Even though you are in a w/d related extremely high anxiety state that is caused by your brain readjusting to the absence of a drug........all of these symptoms can and do occur to people in severe normal anxiety. And yes to finally answer your question all of the DP/DR went away.

 

 

SOME SAY

[color=purple]ITS[/color]

LIKE BEEN REBORN

 

Yes I think that would be a good way to put it

 

So Mandala at this time in your journey from hell to well what's left symptom wise for you ??

 

Well anything that remains is physical. I will take that any day over the psychological. Things wax and wane and I have decent days and good days and some days that are not good but this is the nature of healing. As mentioned before, now that I have my personality back, and emotions, and my mind I feel blessed already. I am in awe every day of the healing that has taken place.

 

Till next time, take good care, mandala

 

Best Wishes

 

Woofs

 

Mandala, you have to be the sweetest person in the world. You were the first person to reach out to me on here and you are still a blessing. I wish I could give you a big ole hug. God bless you girl.

 

One of the scariest things for me was feeling like a shell of a person or a ghost. Once you heal more those feelings and aspects of yourself will emerge.

 

Dearest Mandala this is me to a tee, even my family and friends say they can see I'm only a shell of the man I used to be but not one of them believe it's because of the benzos as I was only on such a short time! But everyday I'm looking for me as I never feel I'm here or present, I wonder all the time who am I when I talk or eat, it never feels like it's coming from the real ME within, it's like I'm robotic with no real personality, when I meet people I have to act as I can't remember how to be ME and just BE, so terrfying!!

 

As one lady put on another DP these, she misses just been able to just BE, like sit in a cafe or a Library and just BE, whereas she feels so strange and altered she can no longer just BE !!

 

I honestly don't know how I survive when I'm out as I never feel present, everything looks wrong and distorted and I feel I'm stuck in a time warp and the head pressure makes the noise and stimulation unbearable, when I'm walking I don't know who's walking and when as you say I stop to have light conversations I never feel like it's my thoughts that are talking, it feels so strange and alien to even hear my voice speak and lately sounds I hear sound evem more distorted??? It's like part of me knows they don't sound like that and it gives me an awful erry feeling.. I also never know if it's a new day as all my days feel like the same day over and over again that why I say my life feels like the movie Groundhog Day, it's so bizzare to have no connection to time or space along with no connection to yourself, and now I'm even wondering who I am responding to you and its given me a n awful rising feeling of fear in the pit of my gut, even just looking around the room here right now everything looks erry and ghostly like it don't really exist and all I see is made up, how do we keep going like this? I honestly and truly do not know if I'm here or not as I feel I live in purtgutory and I trapped between hell and earth, so you had all this and it's now GONE ?

 

Hi Keith, sorry for the late reply,

 

I understand everything you are talking about. All those symptoms began for me after c/t from the K......about 8 weeks after and then worsened exponentially during the 5 weeks I was reinstated on V and then worsened exponentially again after stopping all drugs. My first experience was I looked in the mirror and did not recognize my face, then I became so scared and had to drive for 3 hours to get home all the time not being able to feel my body sitting on the seat of the car. This was Dec 2011 so 3 months before stopping all drugs. Then I was at home writing in my journal and could see that my hand was moving but it did not feel connected to my arm. It just looked like a robotic hand. A few months later and after finally figuring out what was going on, I somehow was better able to accept all this extreme weirdness b/c I knew they were known side effects of w/d AND b/c a lot of this began while ON the drug.

 

We become experts at acting while we heal. We have to. It's constant self talk to keep it together. Yes I know what you mean about feeling outside of yourself while talking to others. Like you are observing yourself and perhaps not in your body. ALL of that will go away. Try if possible to not label these temporary side effects as terrifying etc. It just gives them more power than they deserve. I do not in any way want to minimize what you are going through but when it comes down to it, all that is going on is that your perceptions are temporarily distorted. Even though you are in a w/d related extremely high anxiety state that is caused by your brain readjusting to the absence of a drug........all of these symptoms can and do occur to people in severe normal anxiety. And yes to finally answer your question all of the DP/DR went away.

 

 

SOME SAY

[color=purple]ITS[/color]

LIKE BEEN REBORN

 

Yes I think that would be a good way to put it

 

So Mandala at this time in your journey from hell to well what's left symptom wise for you ??

 

Well anything that remains is physical. I will take that any day over the psychological. Things wax and wane and I have decent days and good days and some days that are not good but this is the nature of healing. As mentioned before, now that I have my personality back, and emotions, and my mind I feel blessed already. I am in awe every day of the healing that has taken place.

 

Till next time, take good care, mandala

 

Best Wishes

 

Woofs

 

 

Thank you so much again Mandala from the bottom of my heart 😘

 

It's hard to belive my brain is still looking for the drug 23 months later, wish it would give up looking and just heal, my perceptions are distorted alright, I hear you about the power thing and I suppose I use that T word cause when I'm out everyone is happily going about their business all the while I'm looking around wondering what is this place and where am I, it's so bad sometimes that people look foreign and alien to me like I'm not sure if it's them or me thsts from a different planet, my brain can't figure out how they can go about things with such ease while I'm in hell and they don't even notice..

 

Did you also have the insane head pressure and severe boaty dizziness These are scary symptoms and more scary at 23 months out, not trying to give them power but they are worrying symptoms and only for I've had 5 MRI's the last 2 years I'd be more worried something was seriously wrong with my brain, the confusion and disorientation that comes with them is very hard to deal with

 

Maymay speaks the truth about you been the sweetest person in the world as you have and do help so many despite your own sufferings, a Maymay and me travelled the same DP DR road for a long time but I'm still waiting for my first glimpse of reality but I would settle for a window..

 

I hope the tide will soon turn as I never though in a billion years when I started this journey that I would be coming up to 2 years off and still not be healed!!!!

 

Wishing you a lovely weekend and I hope and pray that your remains symptoms will leave you soon for good so you can fully reclaim you life and make up for all those years you lost!!!

 

Blessings and best wishes

 

Woofs

I'm here after searching for other people caught in the same hell of existential crisis that I am. Then, I saw your post, mandala, and just want to say thank you so much for writing it.

BUMP - helping me deal with anxiety around intrusive thoughts, and to understand the healing trajectory a little better... Thinking it might give more hope to someone else out there, too! 

WOW! How nice to see a couple names I remember so well from my own awful withdrawal!!! SO nice.

 

Intrusive thoughts have troubled me all along and they still do, on occasion. I tried the usual methods of banishing them but would LOVE to get some new ideas. Certain awful images invaded my brain during withdrawal, thanks to television. I saw things (or thought I saw things-) that disturbed me greatly. SO much so that I have not watched TV in almost 5 years now. Any suggestions for dealing with intrusive thoughts would be deeply appreciated. One is never too old to learn something new.

 

So glad you guys are stilol out there and doing well.

east :smitten:

Hi,

 

I've had this and it's so difficult to describe and so terrifying I'm really pleased to see the OP had better descriptive powers than I did. Especially the point of 'seeing'/'feeling' everything you have ever done stretched way way back all stacked on top of each other all at once. It's like there is no beginning or end. Absolutely crazy.

WOW! How nice to see a couple names I remember so well from my own awful withdrawal!!! SO nice.

 

Intrusive thoughts have troubled me all along and they still do, on occasion. I tried the usual methods of banishing them but would LOVE to get some new ideas. Certain awful images invaded my brain during withdrawal, thanks to television. I saw things (or thought I saw things-) that disturbed me greatly. SO much so that I have not watched TV in almost 5 years now. Any suggestions for dealing with intrusive thoughts would be deeply appreciated. One is never too old to learn something new.

 

So glad you guys are stilol out there and doing well.

east :smitten:

 

 

 

I thought you said you healed