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5 Year Final Success Outcome


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Dear buddies,

 

Hard to believe five years has passed since I ended my 11 month taper off valium.  I have periodically posted updates, but this will be my final summary for those who may wonder how things went for one fellow traveler on this benzo journey.  I am a 51 year old husband and father. I came to valium back in 2008 when my elderly father who had been diagnosed with cancer, started to have chemotherapy.  He wanted to have a "last big trip" with all of his family (kids and grandkids) and let's just say mine is not a family of brotherly love.  So I asked my doctor for something to take the edge off the trip :idiot: in which I was primary caregiver for my father, including a one week cruise.  My doctor gave me valium, for which I am actually thankful because his assistant had suggested Xanax and I think I would have had a harder time with tapering off Xanax.  In any case, he overprescribed 10mg pills but fortunately I cut them in half some of the time, but took the full 10mg on some occasions.  He didn't warn me to taper off slowly when I returned, resulting in vertigo and a trip to the ER.  The ER doctor was certain my dizzies could not have to do with stopping valium (ignorant doctor) because it was "several weeks ago" which is absurd because it takes about three weeks for valium to process out of the body.  He prescribed antivert which was of no use, but I fortunately was able to see an ENT who reinstated me and also understood that 10mg per day of valium was overkill ::).  The ENT told me that 2.5mg would have been enough to take the edge off and help with sleep on my overseas trip and cruise, that he always tapers off his patients for several months off even that "low 2.5mg valium dose" to avoid issues such as tinnitus, vertigo :D...

 

I stayed on the valium for a few more months to stabilize and then tapered off over 10.5 months in 2009, sometimes taking 2 or 3 week breaks, depending on circumstances, when I had to fly out to help my father's treatments, for example, or when I tapered a little too quickly at times.  I almost missed the wedding of a close friend six weeks after taper began, but I forced myself to fly cross country, updosing slightly and putting the taper on hold for a month 8).  One thing is that I tried not to stop doing the things I wanted to do, whether for my father, family or friends.  I did miss some work and I lost some income, but the key was to get off the poison. 

 

Unfortunately just as I was tapering off the final milligrams of valium in the fall of 2009, my father was hospitalized and contracted a Staph infection along with pneumonia :(.  He returned to his home in bad shape and needed 24 hour care.  I arranged all of it and stayed with him for five weeks until he stabilized and I could feel comfortable with the hired help.  The stress, however, was all too much and in my mid forties, I contracted Shingles a couple months later in January 2010 :o.  Doctors told me that it's actually becoming more common even in college students who burn the midnight oil and seem to be under greater stress these days than when I was back in school.  In any case, the Shingles was a setback.  I should also mention that my sibling argued with me almost every step of the way :tickedoff: about the care decisions for my father, which added to the difficult situation.  Despite the Shingles and some bouts of high blood pressure that Spring 2010, feeling faint, visual tracking issues and a couple of minor "panic" type rebound anxiety experiences, by four or five months off, I felt well enough to fly out for a another wedding, this time of a family member a few hour flight away.  After I was able to attend and enjoy that family event, I was starting to feel like things would get better. 

 

By the summer of 2010, I flew out with my wife to spend a month with my father who was on the mend, yet still weak.  I felt about 75-80% better but I made a mistake by  increasing caffeine and some alcohol during that summer, too many sweets ;D, resulting in a fairly significant wave and setback that Fall :'(.  BP was elevated, cog fog, anxiety... and my doctor offered a beta blocker but I refused.  He also offered Lexapro which I also refused. I decided to exercise and lose weight.  I lost about 25lbs over the next few months with low carb and a too much exercise, which was a mixed bag.  I was physically better in terms of BP and cholesterol, but felt very hyped up and anxiety was quite high in the mornings, although no panics.  I put carbs back in and stopped the weight lifting and things improved after a few months.  By about 17 months out, I believe I penned my first success story in the Spring of 2011 :thumbsup:

 

The rest of 2011 was uneventful, other than getting a dog which created some sleepless nights and a couple of stressful months of house breaking.  I recall that I had a kind of blah low energy and low motivation part of that year.  Some describe it as an inability to experience pleasure or joy, perhaps the word is "anhedonia".  I wasn't "depressed", but I would say I was just not feeling fabulous.  Also, my mother in law started to have some significant health problems that year, which added to our family stress. Part was also due to my father's coming out of remission and needing more chemotherapy, and some of it was just feeling tired from the many trips out to the West Coast over the past few years.

 

In January 2012, I felt increasingly stronger and took on a coaching job for my son's football team, something I was always too fearful to do.  This was a real test because parents tend to get in your face and I did experience an uptick in anxiety and adrenalin rushes before some practices and games.  We managed to win some games and for the first time, I felt better than I was before that fateful summer of 2008 when I took the valium.  I had worked hard on developing mindfulness strategies to cope with stress and to keep anxiety at bay (but not to eliminate it!) Clean anxiety is when you have normal fears or even worries before stressful events. Dirty anxiety is when you beat yourself up or judge yourself for having too much anxiety, feeling guilty about having anxiety, fear or even panic.  Dirty anxiety leads to a vicious cycle.  Acceptance is a better route to take. 

 

I always tended to be an anxious person.  Most don't take a benzo without having some anxiety issues, sleep issues or some reason, right?  Meanwhile, I started a new business and stress was increasing as I tried to make back some income lost to the taper and recovery years, along with all the travel for my father's care.  The economy was coming back and I started to make group presentations and increasing work responsibilities.  I found that the ACT approach was helpful to understand stress management better (Acceptance and Commitment Therapy) along with some CBT books I read.  For me, acceptance and being more kind with myself was the most helpful, rather than trying to force myself to change anxious or "irrational" thoughts ;).  Yet there were some benefits to some of what CBT had to offer.  It can be helpful to be able to distinguish from needs, musts and preferences.  As one famous pioneer of cognitive therapy wrote- "Don't should on yourself" ;D.

 

My father passed away this year :'(.  I always wondered if that would be the trigger that would lead me back to a sleeping pill or something to cover up the pain, exhaustion, stress and grief.  The last year has been the most difficult in my life, watching my father gradually become more ill and  die from cancer.  A year ago, he almost bled out in the hospital, had multiple procedures, transfusions and treatments.  I flew out many times.  There were some false alarms, several hospitalizations and then the final clean up of his house, burial, legal issues with that difficult sibling and acting as executor nearly did me in.  I did have some back pain from moving many boxes and furniture as I cleaned out my father's home.  I admit I took a few pain pills for a couple of weeks (not a benzo).  There is still work to be done, but I know I will not take a benzo to cover up anxiety or to sleep.  My business has seen an uptick the last few months and I am doing my best to move forward :thumbsup:.  No doubt others have had it worse.  Having a sick child or contracting cancer or other illness is no doubt more stressful than watching cancer take its toll on a parent.  I suppose it's all relative, no pun intended!  If I ever was going to take another pill for insomnia or anxiety, it would have been a few months ago, but I managed to get through it.  My father had 2 bottles of Ativan in his home, which I took to the pharmacy for proper disposal :P.  I had a glass of wine or two on occasion, but that was about it. On that subject, I think it is personal whether one decides they wish to imbibe again.  I did a little too soon at six months off the valium, but over the past few years, it has not been a problem as long as it was in moderation.  I avoid beer, carbonated soda and hard liquor. 

 

So that is the gist of my five year journey, the last year of which was as difficult stress wise as that first year tapering and the acute withdrawal period, including shingles, that ensued.  I had a setback or two and it honestly did take me a good 2 to 2.5 years to get to 100%, although I felt about 90% by 18 months.  People take a benzo for various reasons.  I think that valium in the summer of 2008 did help take the edge off and made that trip easier in some ways, but it was not worth the price to be paid.  I am medication free, with the exception of a seasonal antihistamine for allergies. I believe my CNS (nervous system) needed about two years to fully heal from the valium and removal of valium from my system.  I also believe that old patterns of relating to anxiety and stress needed to be understood better in order to truly heal.  Mindfulness can be helpful in this regard.  Full Catastrophe Living by John Kabot Zinn was a good resource for me.  Also, the Happiness Trap by Russ Harris is a decent laymen's book on Acceptance and Commitment Therapy. Well that is my final "success" story in case it may be of some help to somebody out there.

 

For those who are struggling in the first year or even second year off a benzo, I think it is important to try to do the following:

 

1)try to get out and get some sun for even five or ten minutes a day, no matter how badly you might feel.  I ended up with a vitamin D deficiency a few years ago when I was possibly mildly depressed and not getting out enough. I had stopped regular exercising after that setback in 2011 with elevated cortisol when I had overdone the exercise and low carbing.

 

2)try to exercise a little bit, at least 20 minutes three or four times a week, even indoors on a bike or treadmill.  It can help elevate one's mood.

 

3)read up on stress management, get some therapy or do something to learn some new coping skills because once off the benzo, one may find similar problems exist that were there before the benzo!

 

4)eat healthy and avoid too much sugar or caffeine, especially in the first year

 

5)avoid alcohol in the first year and avoid binge drinking

 

6)If you are tapering and down to a few milligrams valium and thinking about just cold turkey off the rest, think about the possible damage it could cause to your inner ear in terms of months or years of vertigo or tinnitus. Remember, my ENT tapers his patients off 2.5mg valium over several months minimum.

 

7)accept yourself and try not to be too critical of your past mistakes.  You CAN have a second chance!

 

:smitten:

 

Vertigo

 

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Great success story! Congratulations!  :)

 

Could you tell how you react on alcohol? I mean, when and how you feel, that "yess I can drink now" ? Just curious :)

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Great success story! Congratulations!  :)

 

Could you tell how you react on alcohol? I mean, when and how you feel, that "yess I can drink now" ? Just curious :)

 

I had some alcohol seven weeks after my taper ended (it was Christmas of 2009).  It was a foolish decision.  I was somewhat depressed at the time, yet grateful my father did not die during his recent month long hospitalization.  So I had a few glasses of wine at a Christmas party at his home.  I thought I could handle it but I think it further weakened me and the months of stress, ending my taper and the alcohol, all contributed to my getting Shingles in January 2010.  I had 2 glasses of white wine in April 2010 at a wedding (five months off) and felt ok.  This led me to consume one to two glasses of wine twice a week on summer vacation (7-8 months off in June and July 2010) and this was apparently too much for me, leading to a setback at the end of that summer, as described above.  I avoided heavy liquor but tried it in the second year and it felt ok but left me tired and cog foggy the next day.  I think it is best to avoid alcohol in the first year off. That would be my best advice.  Some do better with permanent abstinence.  I think if one decides to consume alcohol again, it should be done with caution and in moderation.

 

Good luck,

 

Vertigo

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Great story, very very very much appreciated.  I think our timelines are similar.  I am at 18 months and feeling about 90%.  It's nice to know I can get to 100%.

 

Thank you!

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Thank you for posting your story and for all the wonderful advice you give!! You've had an extremely rough time, and yet your writing shows that you're a very positive person now, full of energy and strength. Congratulations on getting through all of it!! Thanks also for your advice about alcohol. It's something I think about at times, but I can see that I'm nowhere near being able to have any. All the best to you, Vertigo!!
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I've always enjoyed reading your posts and updates Vertigo.  Congrats on making it through and thanks for sharing your wisdom and insights!

 

Optimist

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Thank you all for your kind words.  Some of you have used the phrase "enjoy your new life" or similar words. I guess in some ways it feels like a new life off the benzos and given the time to heal.  I think that is important to recognize that this is a process that takes time.  Especially after the death of my father who I spent so many years taking care of and being responsible for his care from across the country, it feels like a new phase where my summers and other parts of the year will feel like a big part is now missing.  I suppose that is normal.  We all have to go on after the loss of a loved one.  I know some people who were put on a benzo to help deal with a loss or to help with sleep....  We now know that for some, that is not a good idea unless it is just for a few days or maybe a week.  Some are more sensitive to the benzo and going off it than others.  I know a few people who claim they can take them intermittently and helps them "as needed" and don't seem to experience "withdrawals".  Maybe it takes a few weeks of daily use to develop a dependency.  In any regard, I know I am done with them as many of you are now trying to do.  I wish you all the best in reaching your goals to become benzo free or if you already are off the benzo but still experiencing a rough time, you know from some of those who have gone before you, that it is normal to take time to heal, that you are not an anomaly or strange because you have some symptoms or waves at a year or even two years off the benzo.  We heal at our own rates and it is possible to achieve a better life than before.

 

God Bless,

 

Vertigo

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Vertigo,

 

You were one of the first BB I read about when I came.  I have been here a long time, one failed taper.  Then I got wet macular degeneration in my eye and tapering was out of the question.  I get a shot in that eye once a month.  It has been going on for  2 years.  I am at the point where I think I will start to taper and hope it doesn't affect my eyes.

 

So happy that all is well with you after everything you have been through.  My dad is 92 and also out of town.  Right not I have a sister there.  I try to make meals for his freezer (a big one).  Thank God he is still doing well and active.  But the day will come and I need to be ready.

 

Have a happy journey through the rest of your life.

 

Popcornlady

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Mr. V!

 

It's been awhile but, I'm glad I read this.

 

We had some pretty good conversations on some topics here, many which you helped me on.

 

These success stories are so important to everyone and once again, I'm very happy to see yours.

 

Mike

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Vertigo,

 

You were one of the first BB I read about when I came.  I have been here a long time, one failed taper.  Then I got wet macular degeneration in my eye and tapering was out of the question.  I get a shot in that eye once a month.  It has been going on for  2 years.  I am at the point where I think I will start to taper and hope it doesn't affect my eyes.

 

So happy that all is well with you after everything you have been through.  My dad is 92 and also out of town.  Right not I have a sister there.  I try to make meals for his freezer (a big one).  Thank God he is still doing well and active.  But the day will come and I need to be ready.

 

Have a happy journey through the rest of your life.

 

Popcornlady

 

Sorry to read about the wet macular, Popcornlady.  My father had macular for ten years.  He stopped driving but kept living a very productive life, took buses everywhere, had taxi coupons which he used to go to concerts, and also used the ACCESS shuttle service which they have in Los Angeles for handicapped.  He never got shots though, maybe his was dry macular.  I hope the shots will help you.  As far as being ready for your 92 year old father to pass, I can say that I thought I was prepared and was certainly given ample notice and knew it was coming, but it was very surreal and still very hard to deal with.  I did have some comfort in knowing that I had done all I could do and he appreciated it.  We spent good time together, especially in the last few years.  Nothing was left unsaid and I hope you will be able to spend some quality time with your father. 

 

Mike, good to hear from you.  Hope all is well with you and your father as well!  It is a blessing to have the time and ability to continue to grow a relationship before they are gone.  Here's a thought for you-  Arkansas over Georgia this weekend  :pokey:;D.

 

All the best!

 

V

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Wow! Happy 5 years! I'm dealing with inner ear disturbance big time (we spoke about this). I get so frustrated at times. But I remember all you told me & in the end is time and more time for it to heal properly.

 

Thanks for coming back! I will miss you but go & live your life! Thanks for praying for us! We need it!  :smitten:

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  • 3 years later...

Hi Vertigo,

 

Great story. I see your 100% healed which is great. When in your journey did the Tinnitus fade?

 

Thanks!

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Thank you so much for coming back and sharing your story. I’m fairly new here and always checking success stories so grateful when people come back to tell theirs. All the best!
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