problems after w/d from benzo's

Scooter,I am so glad you started this thread because I too was beginning to think I was the only one who was experiencing heavy symptoms after w/d, 6&1/2 months off.  Actually the pins & needles, electric shocks, the burning feet, are all worse than at any point during my w/d.  So you are not alone! 

About supplements, someone mentioned taking calcium.  After w/d, I had started taking tums for the stomach acid buildup, and now suspect that that might have been the cause of the increase in pins & needles/burning feet.  Here is some info on calcium I was surprised to read. Calcium-Induced Side Effects With Benzodiazepines and Anti-Convulsants

 

 

·        "When taking benzodiazepines and /or anti-convulsants, do not take a supplement containing ionic calcium. 

 

If you are taking an antidepressant or anti-psychotic medication and anxiety is a major complaint, avoid ionic calcium as well. Calcium stimulates electrical discharge of the nerves.  The stimulation of nerve impulses is the primary problem with using calcium along with a benzodiazepine or anticonvulsant.

 

It has been shown in clinical trials that blocking calcium can help protect a person from some of the worst of the benzodiazepine withdrawal symptoms."

 

I had previously read about calcium being a problem for depression but was surprised to read it activated the nervous system.

You can find the rest of the article on the site "The road back".  I think they are selling their program but you can find info, much collaborating Ashton's.

I too, would welcome hearing from other's experiences after w/d.  While one could argue that it is best to only print the good experiences, that leaves a huge vacuum for those of us who are feeling isolated, paniced that we are the only ones having these problems, therefore perhaps 'nuts' and that his WILL never end for us. 

 

Clair

Hi skooter,

 

everyone is different, our bodies & chemistries are very different. I have been taking a whey protein shake+ omega 3 from the very first day of my taper and it has been real good to me, not all supplements are bad, if you take a supplement and it doesn't work for you then just don't take it anymore.

Hey skooter,

I have been VERY down myself today. Been having a TON of anxiety, panic attacks, bloating, and trouble breathing. Am depressed about our sons growing up and feeling very alone and claustaphobic. Don't want sympathy, but wanted you to know that I get scared that all of this won't pass; that it will always stay this way. My monthly you know what is due, so maybe hormones are attributing to what I am feeling both emotionally and physically today. Sleep has not been good, which makes things even harder and more frustrating. I hate BENZOS!!!!!!!! How's that for complaining.....

 

Lori

 

Thank you Clair for the info on Calcium. Thanks recover for your input, and thank you lori for your feelings of the day and *hugehugs* for you. Like you say it is assuring to hear others misery stories to let us know we are not alone with what we are feeling. I suppose it does help so that we know we aren't going mad although it sure does feel that

way 

 

I bought supplements yest. which I started on a few of them. Tryptophan, Prometrium (progesterone) Lithium, Multi vitamin, Cod Liver oil, and Niacinamide. I took the oil last night and the multi, the tryp, and the prometrium. I'm sure one of them was giving me a hard time but I did get some sleep and was grateful.

 

I spent so much money and know it won't be the end as I have to do the blood test yet and will have to buy more when they see all of the deficiencies I have.

 

Anyways, thanks for answering again all, it is appreciated so much. It is just so hard to see an end with no light being seen ever at the end of the tunnel with all of this. I'm sorry I'm feeling sorry for myself and must sound pathetic but I'm sure alot here can relate. Have better days my friends at least we are not alone anymore.

Hi skooter,

I feel so bad for you, reading your posts reminds me of the pain I was in last year.  I bought those patches you can put on your feet to draw the toxins out, hoping they would draw the benzos out of my body.  Nope, didn't help, nothing did just time, lots of it.

 

I know you can't see past your pain right now, I know you feel dead inside because you can't feel joy.  I know you're just holding on to yourself wondering how you'll get through another day praying that you'll get some relief.  I know all of these things because I thought them too, I was where you are. 

 

I read your posts and they take me back to where I was for so long and I'm so grateful I'm free from the pain now.  No one in our real lives knows the pain we feel because of the benzo's, no one can possibly understand, except for those of us here. 

 

I didn't discover the forum until I'd been cold turkey for 5 months, I thought I would never heal, I had no idea what was happening to me until I found this place.  It was hard to find out that my healing was going to take a lot longer than I could imagine, but with the help of the people here I made it.  I didn't post much because my nerves were so bad it was stressful to even type, but I read and read.

 

Hang in there, it takes a long time, but you will heal.  You'll be able to live life again, not just endure it.  You'll be able to feel joy instead of constant fear.  You'll be whole again, not an empty shell, I promise.

 

Pam

 

Hi again Scooter,  Be carefull with the niacinamide - b vitamins can exacerbate the benzo symptoms by accelerating the metabolism and niacinamide can cause flushing even with benzo-free people.

Clair

 

Thank you Pam for helping me to understand that there is life after all of these benzoid blimps in the road. That makes me think of being a road bump, with car after car driving over me 

 

Do you have any symptoms still bothering you Pam? I am just wondering about a time frame for me. I know we are all different but grasping at straws seems to be all I can do at this time

 

Not sure if the non ability to think is worse or different? My brain is like soup slipping through those holes doh

 

And thanks Clair for confirming my suspicions about the Niacin type sup, as I remember my husband taking them last yr. for his allergy that no doc will dx. He broke out with terrible hives and was flushing like crazy. It wasn't a pretty pic to say the least I felt so bad for him. This made me terrified to touch, as I am with so many other things to ingest.  :'(

 

****Hugs to you both****

 

I'm sorry that you had to endure all of that pain Pam, and I like you sure wish I'd of found this board and the Ashton Manual before I started this journey and may not be in this boat right now. Live and Learn, once again!!

 

 

Hi skooter,

 

Please don't feel alone!  I've had a rough couple of days myself and there are times when I'm desperate to try any kind of vitamin, herb, etc. to help. The doctor who is weaning me off had me try a prescription antihistamine and it actually made me feel worse.  I have learned that unless my doc has done a blood test and it shows I am deficient in a vitamin ( in my case I was in some B vitamins - ugh!), my body would just rather not take a chance.

 

Hang in there!

 

Missy

 

Hello Missy,

 

thanks you for your encouragement. I hope you feel better soon.

 

Are you still having symptoms and if I may ask what they are? I find if others have some or many of the same symptoms I do then I am not so worried that this is not from an awful disease. All though I would not want anyone to feel this way as it is the most difficult thing I have gone through. Or so it would seem right now. I am sure each time I was in a difficult time in my life it seemed like the worst thing in my life.

 

So hard to even think with all of the different things going on. Can't think about anything else and it's just not right as I know if we don't think about it we will feel somewhat better but that's just doesn't happen when we are in such turmoil.

 

Take care Missy. I will pray for us all.

 

 

 

 

Hi again,

 

How is everyone doing today? I hope today is much better for all.

 

I have another symptom that is worrying me, as are all of them. This one is a constant vibrating of deep inside of my bones that rarely lets up and I'm wondering if anyone else experiences these feelings? They tend to not allow one to fall asleep, as do the numb tingling pins and needles do. Sorry if I am repeating myself. Just another persistant thing nagging at my mind of why it is happening and if it is normal then I may not worry  about it as much. The tightness around my chest and rib cage/back bones, spine etc are crushing. Tightness of skin everywhere and itchiness. Again I apologize for going on and on it must be boring to read over and over and don't want to drive people away and not read anymore. Just looking for reassurance I'm not losing my mind?

 

Take care everyone.

 

Hi again,

 

How is everyone doing today? I hope today is much better for all.

 

I have another symptom that is worrying me, as are all of them. This one is a constant vibrating of deep inside of my bones that rarely lets up and I'm wondering if anyone else experiences these feelings? They tend to not allow one to fall asleep, as do the numb tingling pins and needles do. Sorry if I am repeating myself. Just another persistant thing nagging at my mind of why it is happening and if it is normal then I may not worry  about it as much. The tightness around my chest and rib cage/back bones, spine etc are crushing. Tightness of skin everywhere and itchiness. Again I apologize for going on and on it must be boring to read over and over and don't want to drive people away and not read anymore. Just looking for reassurance I'm not losing my mind?

 

Take care everyone.

 

Don't be sorry for asking, the numbness, the chest getting tight, rib, back are all withdrawls. I have had them before and they do get better, here is the ashton manual take a look at it for yourself, it will answer a lot of questions http://www.benzo.org.uk/manual/index.htm , take care.

Hi skooter,

 

As hard as CT was for me, I'm not sure I could have tapered like most of the brave people on this forum.  The temptation to up dose or stop the taper might have been too much for me.  So, even though I came late to the knowledge of tapering slowly, CT was probably the only way I could have done it.

 

With that said, the only thing that was left to do was endure the withdrawal and worry that I'd somehow done permanent damage or caused myself to have protracted withdrawal symptoms.  I read the Ashton Manual over and over again, even printing the symptoms to show my family and friends.  I'd hoped that if they could see my symptoms in print, they could understand what I was going through.  It was a relief for me too, I needed to know that what I was feeling was normal. 

 

But, like you I still lived in fear of each new symptom, endured each day without relief, and wondered if and when I would heal. I would mark off each month, thinking that I had to be getting better.  When I hit the 6 month mark I was so depressed, then 7 then 8.  I stopped trying to put a time limit on my symptoms because the artificial date I imposed on my recovery only brought more anxiety.

 

I can't tell you when I became totally free of symptoms, but I know I'm there now.  I think it took 13 months for me to be free, but I know it varies for everyone.  Don't be discouraged by my journey, hopefully yours will be smoother and shorter.

 

The vibrating you're talking about is the same as I had, only I called it inner trembling.  It was awful and you're right, it never stopped, but it will.  Trouble is, it'll be replaced by something else, some new symptom that will become all you can think about.  That's the trouble, one leaves and becomes another.  You hardly have time to notice that one is gone because you're confronted with another one. The tightness in your chest is normal, I had it too.  I'd put my hand on my chest, trying to take a deep breath to reassure myself that I could. 

 

Keep talking about your symptoms to us, we never tire of hearing your fears and responding to your questions.  We understand, many of our loved ones can't so it helps to talk to us about this, because we're where you are or have been there.

 

Take care, try to distract yourself with projects and little chores.  Give yourself time, don't put expectations on your recovery, it doesn't work.  It's going to take as long as it takes, we can't control it.  It's a sobering fact to realize we have no control over this process, there are no shortcuts and no getting out of it.  Its here, it's now and it's the only way out.

 

Pam

 

skooter - i had pins and needles-itchy skin-skin tightness-ache  under my breastbone and in the center of my back-Pamster2 is right-one will leave and another will take its place-I had an ekg for the ache under my breatbone and back-your fine the doctor told me;no problems with your heart-ain't benzos great-jim

 

Thank you recover, Pam and Jim. All of your help means so much to me. I would be in tears right now if I was able to cry!!! Just to know others have felt these symptoms reassures me that I'm not insane.

 

I watched the videos on the pharmaceutical companies and the pdocs today and was overwhelmed with all of the pain these people are putting people through with these poisons and I am in total disbelief that they are still able to do this to so many of us. The fact that they want the whole world to be on these things is ridiculous. I sent the videos to other family members hoping they will send them to as many as they know so that others won't make the same mistakes we did. God help us all!!

 

Again I thank you all. I forgot to mention that in July, after 4 months of starting this hell and calling my pdoc begging him to put me in the hospital for mris and other test to find out what was wrong with me. He kept ignoring my pleas, kept putting me off. I then went in for a 2 week stay, in the psych dept. of course (I was livid with him). He was so smug and I could of choked him, treating me as one of his drug induced ill patients. I was in such turmoil, begging him to help me to get off the meds. I was sure it was the meds doing this to me. He put me on 70 mg of Librium and tried to get me onto others. I refused. Another waste of time. I left after 2 weeks, but not before he told me that all of my symptoms were due to the fibromyalgia I had been diagnosed with 8 yrs. before. Which I was now suspecting wasn't at all fibro, but in fact was due to all of the meds I had been putting in my body over a 20 yr. period. Do I not have a right to feel all of the nasty emotions to the psych comunity that were raging inside of me? And not only to them but to the docs I had been to, the specialists that couldn't find anything wrong with me? Well of course they can't find anything. Look at all the different medications I had been on. If I can put it all together, and the docs can't, then what does it tell you about our wonderful medical system in the 21st century? Wow, warn all you can people, this is very very serious and I wish we could stop it. But the greed is so huge, the docs and pharmaceuticals spreading worse than a wild fire. And all we can do is help those we love and they in turn will help their loved ones.

 

God help us all from these mad scientists. To keep using us a guinea pigs is an unjustice we can all do without.

 

Take care all, hope you all have a better day tomorrow.

 

(I think I should of wrote this stuff in my journal? Perhaps it could be moved there if not appropriate for here?) My mind in a state of confusion again

Hi Skooter, as a newby myself just wanted to say hello, sounds like you're going through a lot and are doing really well!, your symptoms are very familiar to me and obviously many others too, you're NOT going insane!,

The fact that you can articulate what is going on is a very positive sign of recovery, it does get easier!, all the best,

B

 

When you mention not being able to cry I remember how good it felt when I was able to.  It brought me a few moments of relief, I was amazed and grateful.  So, I made it my mission to try and rent really sad movies so I could cry.  That didn't really work very well, but you know how desperate we are for relief, we'll try anything.  My friends couldn't understand why I'd put in a movie at 3 in the morning to so I could cry. 

Now that I'm totally off the benzo's, sleeping pills and antidepressants I have normal human emotions, and it feels great!

 

I was never able to feel angry with the doctors prescribing the pills to me, I was the one that sought them out to begin with.  I quit alcohol 18 years ago and knew that I shouldn't take pills, but I did and it wasn't in the amounts prescribed.  The addiction kicked into high gear after a short time taking them and I spiralled out of control in only a couple of years.  So, even though I've suffered on and off the drugs, I couldn't really blame anyone but myself for being where I was.

 

My only experience with hospitals was the day I checked into rehab, October 10, 2007.  I hadn't taken any benzo's for 2 days.  They gave me 10 milligrams of klonopin and some phenobarbital and told me that was my detox.  They said the next day I would go into the general population to learn the 12 steps. (which I already knew)  Somehow I knew I was in trouble and that this wasn't what I needed, so I checked out AMA that night and began the nightmare of cold turkey.  The ignorance of the staff and doctors amazed me.  I had no idea what I was in for, but they were totally ignorant of the issue of benzo withdrawal.  I can't imagine what you went through being hospitalized for 2 weeks, I'm sure it was unbearable.  The physical agony plus the attitude of the caregivers makes it impossible to get better.

 

I hope you can keep moving in the right direction and keep a positive attitude.  I also hope that as you heal from the drugs, the other problems you've had for the last 20 years leave you as well.  Trouble is, we're getting older so we can't expect total miracles... But, one thing is certain, when you make it through the wreakage of the benzo's you'll feel 100% better than you do today!  (I never thought I'd be able to say that)

 

Pam

Hi scooter,    I was diagnosed with fibromyalgia 20 years ago also and was put on amitriptilene and 5 years later Klonopin.  I have a strong belief, and reading many posts since last June, that the people most affected with lingering, severe  w/d sx are people with autoimmune issues, ie; this condition they call fibromylgia, although i use the term auto-immune in a very broad sense, including non diagnosed, and I KNOW the Drs have no idea what exactly they are dealing with in that area either.  As someone on BB put it, the benzo w/d hits hardest were we are most vulnerable.  I have noticed where I can totally relate to a post that.  I too feel that the drugs they put us on cause more problems than the condition.

Regarding Doctors, my Rheumatologist had been on the 10 top doctors in the US list for many years - When I started w/d, under his direction, [which was too large a dosage cut] from the klonopin he had prescribed, I was hit hard with horrendous, frequent high body heat episodes daily and through the night.  After thorough testing, all negative results, he stated it was fibromyalgia  and NOT klonopin w/d.  When I questioned this , he was indignant and angry that I was questioning his diagnosis.  I quit him that day.  I followed with seeking out many other top specialists in Chgo, only one had a young Dr who had friends in med school  who w/d from Benzos, so recognized the sx when my body lit up, flushed red with heat, under the overhead office lighting.

I think one of the most difficult aspects of benzo w/d, is the horrendous slight we are left to endure by the Physicians we had trusted - and of course living with crazy-making sx, unbelievable to anyone else.  I Harv a few close friends who believed it in the beginning but who after 2 years since i started the w/d, are now urging me to see more Dr's.  Unless I come back here regularly, read likewise posts, I feel isolated from the world and questioning myself.

My skin is so sensitive that a candle on a table can put a burn ,ark on my check.  I can't go anywhere with over head lighting,stores, offices, etc., heat coming up through vents, with out experiencing a complete body flush and feeling I am being burned, I panic and I flee.  My feet burn so badly I can't wear shoes.  It is 13 degrees here today.  My son is getting married the 28th of this month and I don't know how long I will be able to stay at the wedding - I can't wear shoes for any length of time because the burning and itching is unbearable.

If anyone else has experienced even near this level of skin sensitivity let me hear from you.

 

As Pam stated the level of ignorance of the medical community to this horrible drug class is incredible and inexcusable.  In that the overhead lights in all their offices burns my skin, and further testing comes up negative, they have to believe there is a problem, but after their initial amazement, push me off to another specialist.  I have even printed up the complete Ashtons manual for some, but I never came away thinking that ANY one of them was going to pursue the problems with this drug.

 

I am staring to flush from the heat of my laptop so must end. I am anxious to hear from

Clair

 

 

     

 

Thank you again Pam and Clair and mot. I must say again how good it is to have others tell me I am doing good, even though it doesn't feel that way. It is reassuring I am not alone.

 

I'm sorry Clair for all of the symtoms of the heated lights you experience. I to am having problems with the heat. I do feel sometimes the coldness and heat at the same time. I don't know how that's possible but these benzo w/d s/x seem to make anything possible.

I am not bothered by lights that I know of, but do however get a rush of hot come over me without sweats, but feel intense heat. And at the same time it feels as if there is a cool pack on my spine, along with the tightness that feels so crushing and the squeezing around my mid section is intolerable.

 

Whining and repeating myself again oy.

 

I do hope many are on their way out of this and feeling some better soon. Have a better day all.

 

Still looking for that light at the end of the tunnel. It's so dark in here  :'(

Crazy-making sx - one day 1/2 of my body was cold and the other hot, as if I ws cut down the middle!  I wouldn't tell that unbeleivable happening to just anyone.  So I do know about the hot and cold.  I just exprience mostly hot,

i hope you rest well Scooter.

Clair

 

Thank you again Clair!!! We AREN'T CRAZY!!!! Wow, so we will make this wild and crazy trip then?? lol

 

I wanted to tell you that I can relate to your having to go to a sons wedding. My son was married on Nov.1st/08. I paniced for months before wondering how I was going to make it through a wedding let alone being with a room full of people feelings of hopelessness as to how I would stand to be around so many and go through all of the feelings I had been having for so long. I had nothing to wear and hadn't been shopping forever it seemed. I had to finally go and buy an outfit. Although I waited until the night before the big day, I did find something. Not what I would have picked had I been well. Of course I probably won't wear the outfit again, nor the shoes, more monies wasted with this stupid w/d

 

Then the wonderful day came, it was a beautiful wondrous day of warmth so we walked in the park watching the bride and groom get their pictures taken under the unusually warm day for Nov. It was a long afternoon and we still had to go to the church and meet others whom would be witness to this wondrous day for my son and daughter in law to be. She was gorgeous in her white dress. They had our lovely granddaughter there in a soft tinted green hue dress with Burgundy flower petals sown in the bottom of the dress that matched the brides bouquet. Her sisters' daughter a couple months younger than our grandaughter was also a flower girl in the same dress and they were the cutest things walking down the aisle. To make it short, I made it through that day and even went to the party after which I never imagined I would see that day through. And I even enjoyed myself. I did however pay for having a few drinks for 3 days after that but I never would have forgiven myself if I hadn't gone to my own sons wedding.

 

Now it's 4 months later and I'm still in the same boat as when I started this wonderful journey. Wondering if I will ever be the same as when I first had my children? All I can do is hope and pray. And take one second, one minute, and so on at a time. Time seems so long, to long when we are suffering and see no end in sight.

 

Just know Clair, I'm sure you will make it to the wedding and enjoy yourself. I am sure if we had more things to take our mind off of our troubles we would probably make this easier on ourselves. I should listen to myself and start doing things to do just that. But I feel as if I am stuck in cement here and can't get myself out. Good luck Clair, I know you will get through it and be so happy for a day, and might even have a good cry from the love you will feel for your son moving on to build a new family that will grow and bring you much enjoyment throughout your future yrs.

 

God Bless you and yours

Pam I'm so sorry you had to go through all of those terrible times and symptoms you endured through your experiences with the w/d of these awful toxins. It was my intention to say this to you after you first wrote on my thread but as usual I start to type and completely forget what it is I was originally going to write. Thoughts come and go so fast and no memory will stay with me. It doesn't help when you have a hubby constantly nattering in the background

 

IT is so good to hear you have beaten this battle and are here to tell the tales of your benzo journey. And I'm thankful you made it this far and can help us who are just starting out. I do hope I too will make a successful recovery!! Time just seems to be going so slow, never ending is more like it. It sure helps to have somewhere to come and type away all of our problems and then to have others confirm that we are normal. I also want to say, I am amazed with you Pam that you can admit your own fault at taking these poisons the docs hand out so freely, when so many of us are quick to judge and won't admit our own faults but jump on the medical profession and put all the blame onto them and the pharmaceutical companies. I still toil with these thoughts but I didn't have the internet to do research so am still all to ready to lay the blame on both industries who should know better to not continue to put us in the public sector that don't know about these meds and all to ready to pop them into our bodies. 

 

I love this character it resembles me so well!!

 

 

Hi skooter,

 

You're doing a fantastic job of keeping your thoughts together, I'm amazed!  When I was in your shoes, I couldn't remember what I'd written from one post to the next.

 

While I can't blame the medical community for my particular circumstances I do have a problem with their failure to recognize the long term withdrawal issues.  My Dr. was aware of the initial cold turkey dangers (convulsions, etc)...but he saw my continuing problems as stuff of my imagination brought about by my association with this forum.  This attitude is in excuseable, it leaves us to doubt our sanity at a time when we need all the reassurance we can get. 

 

We're taught from a young age to revere our doctors, to put our faith in them.  But, this experience has taught me that I can no longer do this.  I have to take responsibility for my health care management.  I still need to seek help, but I have to question everything and use every tool at my disposal to verify the advice given to me.  I know one thing for sure, I'll never put a mind altering drug into my body again (including sleeping pills).  I realize there are medications I need to take for health reasons, but none of them will have the power to affect my brain the way the benzo's did!

 

 

 

 

Scooter, you sure do understand where I am at regarding my son's wedding - I haven't gotten a dress yet either and the wedding is at the end of this month! ;-)  And you are so right about the joy we feel for our children helping us out.

 

You mentioned in one of your posts that 'your mind was in a state of confusion' - well, it sure doesn't come across that way - your posts are clear, articulate and right on.  It wasn't too long ago that I would frequently ask friends if they understood anything I had just said for after it came out of my mouth, I thought it was impossible to understand - I wonder now if it isn't our perspective that is skewed.  God Lord it is unbelievable how many systems of our body have been affected by this vicious drug!

 

Thanks so much for your understanding and encouraging words,

Clair

 

 

 

Thank you Pam and Clair again for giving me the boosts I so need at this time. And to say I have my thoughts together, hmm I would beg to differ, but I won't!! I am just glad I make sense to somebody as I sure don't make sense to myself

 

My mind seems to be like a runaway train for so long now I was sure I had a better memory while I was all drugged up. I also had many ect treatments during my yrs of hell when I suffered from chronic depression, which I now attribute to the drugs of course. It was after many yrs of unsuccessful treatments on a/d's. I had tried them all with not one working for me. I know now that all I needed was grief counselling. I could throttle the pdoc that started me onto a life journey into hell!! Playing the blame game again. With that I guess I will stop.

 

I am glad I can help one person if any. The help here is indispensable and I would not know where I'd be without it. I do have a tendency to get lost in the place though. So many stories I can relate to and so many whom I feel their pain and wish I could help in some way!!

 

Hopefully we can all look back and laugh as someone here said in a post. I can hardly wait!!

 

God Speed everyone

 

skooter,

 

I'm very sorry to hear you've had such a rough time over the last 20 years, ect must have been so terrible. You have every right to be angry because you trusted the professionals to help you in your time of need.  You trusted those with more experience and knowledge to guide you.  Instead you're here, suffering and wondering if all of the so called help you've gotten through the years did more harm than good.

 

Don't worry about sharing your anger and frustration about the medical community, it's good to get it out.  It's good to finally realize that it's not you, you're not crazy, this is real.  We're here to help you through this, we know more about this nasty business than any "professional" could ever know!

 

Oh and as for looking back and laughing about it someday, I'm there, I'm healed and I'm not laughing.  To finally reach the other side of the pain and fear is a humbling experience.  To realize it's gone is a gift, I'll be grateful for it the rest of my life.  I guess that's why I'm here, to offer hope to those still suffering.