Couldn't take it anymore so I went to rehab

Ten years on this crap and I finally did it.  There was no other way.  I tried time after time to lower the dose but I always failed.  Today is day 67.  67 days free of that poison.  I honestly do not care how sick I get...I will never, ever take those pills again.  I lost ten years of my life.  I quit my job, lost my friends and myself.  I don't even know who I am anymore or what I'm supposed to do.  I have a college degree but if you asked me to remember three things, I doubt I could.  I feel like I have brain damage.  I don't know what my point is really.  Maybe I just needed to vent.  I know I shouldn't be angry because what does that solve?  But I am.  I am pissed.  Pissed at my doctor for giving me the pills for so many years knowing it should only be used short term and pissed at myself for not knowing better.  Not sure what I'm trying to say....Like I said...I guess I just needed to vent.  I had a journal in rehab.  It was called Benzo Hell for a reason.  And I'm living it. 

Oh brooke - I think I know just how you feel. I went to a rehab too, and was kicked out after 5 days because my insurance refused to pay for it. I went cold turkey, which was a big mistake but I didn't have a choice. I, too, went through absolute hell. I was in acute w/d for about a month, hallucinating, paranoid, sick and thought I had gone insane. Nothing prepared me for what I went through. Nothing. And I once worked on a detox unit, and am an RN. I thought I knew something about withdrawal, but I didn't know a thing. Well, I survived it, going cold turkey. And you will survive, too...the most important piece of advice I can give you is to use distraction .....distract yourself any way you can. And learn how to do deep abdominal breathing, because it helps relax you.

 

I, too, lost a great deal because of benzos....my health, a career, a car, my finances, a husband, and ultimately, a house. I did a lot of beating up on myself for a long time. But...you know what? Its okay now. I managed to sell the house and move to a new city where I rent an apartment. I am much happier here, and even though I suffered a long, long time, I feel pretty good now. I refuse to spend much time feeling sorry for myself or being angry. What good does it do? NONE. But its a stage we go through, and you are definitely allowed to vent all you wish. You have not gone insane, brooke. You are in withdrawal, something that can sure mimic insanity but isn't insanity. Your memory will be poor for a while, but eventually it will improve and you will be amazed at how much MORE you remember...things you thought you had forgotten.

 

You don't have brain damage...not permanent, anyway. Benzos and their withdrawal do cause a TEMPORARY kind of brain damage, which is repaired once you are off the drug.  Everything youre feeling, thinking, etc., is part of withdrawal. Theres no way to tell you how long your recovery will take. Some of us are just slow healers, others fast.

 

Post as much as you want to...vent away. That's why this forum exists, and take advantage of it. If there is any way I can help you, say so.

east

:thumbsup

Oh wow.  What a story.  Look at everything you have been through and still, here you are, helping others.  That's amazing! 

You just gave me hope.  Thank you!!

brooke, I still need to distract myself, and this is a great way to do it. How are you feeling today?

east

How are you feeling?  I went c/t (I do not regret that decision), and by day 67, some of my worst symptoms had begun to resolve.  Are you beginning to see some improvement?

I mean...I'm so much better than I was.  Week one I was in bed.  Week two i was having the worst anxiety of my life and begging them to put me in the mental ward. Week three i was finally able to participate by going to the meetings and classes and dining room.  And now I'm driving a little and going out, but it's hard!  The worst symptom is the derealization.  It's horrible.  I had that when I was taking Valium but not like this.  This is intense.  And I have weird feelings in my body...almost like I'm on a boat.  And my anxiety is still an issue.  I just started Lexapro.  It worked really well 12 years ago so hopefully it will work again.  Panic disorder runs in my family.  When I find something that works, I will have to be on it for the rest of my life.  I've learned my lesson.  But no more benzos.  Never again.

People call it the "floaty boat" symptom, or "rocky boat." Its quite common. So is DR - and DP. Please, be super careful driving!!!

Glad you are doing better in general. Hang in there, and hold that thought: No More Benzos for brooke!!!

east

Oh brooke - I think I know just how you feel. I went to a rehab too, and was kicked out after 5 days because my insurance refused to pay for it. I went cold turkey, which was a big mistake but I didn't have a choice. I, too, went through absolute hell. I was in acute w/d for about a month, hallucinating, paranoid, sick and thought I had gone insane. Nothing prepared me for what I went through. Nothing. And I once worked on a detox unit, and am an RN. I thought I knew something about withdrawal, but I didn't know a thing. Well, I survived it, going cold turkey. And you will survive, too...the most important piece of advice I can give you is to use distraction .....distract yourself any way you can. And learn how to do deep abdominal breathing, because it helps relax you.

 

I, too, lost a great deal because of benzos....my health, a career, a car, my finances, a husband, and ultimately, a house. I did a lot of beating up on myself for a long time. But...you know what? Its okay now. I managed to sell the house and move to a new city where I rent an apartment. I am much happier here, and even though I suffered a long, long time, I feel pretty good now. I refuse to spend much time feeling sorry for myself or being angry. What good does it do? NONE. But its a stage we go through, and you are definitely allowed to vent all you wish. You have not gone insane, brooke. You are in withdrawal, something that can sure mimic insanity but isn't insanity. Your memory will be poor for a while, but eventually it will improve and you will be amazed at how much MORE you remember...things you thought you had forgotten.

 

You don't have brain damage...not permanent, anyway. Benzos and their withdrawal do cause a TEMPORARY kind of brain damage, which is repaired once you are off the drug.  Everything youre feeling, thinking, etc., is part of withdrawal. Theres no way to tell you how long your recovery will take. Some of us are just slow healers, others fast.

 

Post as much as you want to...vent away. That's why this forum exists, and take advantage of it. If there is any way I can help you, say so.

east

:thumbsup

 

 

I too went through a detox. After being on benzodiazepines for over a decade I stopped 8 mg of Ativan cold turkey 10 months ago next week. It was the most horrific thing I have ever been through in my entire life. The first month was excruciating mental torment. Unless you have been through it someone has no idea how horrific it can be. The mental pain was beyond excruciating. During the first month I went to the hospital 10 times. Three times were by ambulance. I don't know how I ever made it but I did, and you will, too. I think at 67 days that you have the worst behind you. I know I started to feel some real relieve at around 5 to 6 weeks, and by the third month things became much more manageable, and by 6 months I started to enjoy life again. You will get through this. There will be a time when this whole nightmare is behind you. There will be a time when you can enjoy life again. I promise.

Took me a lot longer than you, but the end result is the same. I slowly began to feel like a human being again...bruised and battered but whole. We all choose our own path through this, and there is no "one right way" to do it. Yes, ideally, people should taper, because its probably safer. But some people just aren't equipped with the discipline to do that. I know I wasn't. I could do it now...but I don't have to do it now!

We detox/rehab people occasionally get slammed for doing what we did. And that's okay - it is how we got to the same result. We are free of the benzo now.

east

You are right...rehab is not for everyone.  I did not have the patience and did not want to waste any more time.  I have already lost 10 years.  But nothing can prepare you for that.  Nothing.  I cried everyday for 2 weeks and begged them to commit me because in my mind I had gone insane.  I remember walking down the hallway holding onto the wall for support.  I was so detached i felt like i was floating around.  On a positive note...every week gets a little bit better and yes...i am free now.

I had no choice, I was having severe anxiety to the point where I was popping like 10 pills to get the anxiety down!  There is no way I would have been able to taper, although that is the route I wish I had been able to take. It's so scary, but at least I got it out of my system. 

         

          Peace, Sheri

Sounds like me.  I was taking pills to prevent a wd from happening,  not to feel any sort of relief.  I was sick all the time.  There was no other choice for me either.

Exactly, I was popping pills with  no relief as well....nightmare...but had no choice....it is doable, but I definitely would not recommend it.

Im not sure where to put this.  I really need help for a friend.  She's going to the doctor this week to get a prescription for xanax.  She said her anxiety is really bad and she doesn't know how to cope.  She is also a recovering alcoholic.  My heart is breaking because i am suffering so much right now and don't want her to go through what i am.  Any advice?    Thank you......

Im sure you have tried to gently explain to her the dangers, right? If so, there isn't much you can do, really. Being a recovering alcoholic MAY put her at more risk for a bad withdrawal, but there is no way to know ahead of time. You are in a difficult position, but she is an adult, and has to make her own choices. So sorry you have to deal with this.

east

She was with me in rehab so she saw how sick i was.  I know she just wants to feel better but this is not the way.  I'm just so scared for her that's all.  I feel helpless.

Well, you really are kind of helpless to prevent her from doing this, or anything, really. I guess you need to focus on yourself right now. You have to put yourself first. I know how you feel. In my first year I felt like I had to preach what I knew to several people, and frankly, they didn't appreciate it. Ive now learned to keep quiet in most cases.

east

I guess all i can do is be her friend, frustrating as it is.  Thank you!

I am a lot more picky about who I am friends with now. I simply do not want to be around people for whom pills are very important (or alcohol). I am still a "giver" but much choosier about who I give to, if that makes sense.

east

Hi Brooke,

I went to rehab in England many years ago now....must be 25yrs or so. Not for the problem I have now (which is far more serious than what I went in for). Rehab did nothing for me at the time...I was young and just rebelled. I know this is a tad off subject as I've just always had addiction problems. Doing the '12 steps' (if that's correct), being emotionally put down by the 'experts' and made to feel shameful...before pulling you back up again, was an horrific experience. I tried to leave several times, but my parents made me stay. I did get a medal before leaving though, which read 'I'm good' or some other nonsense....can't remember tbh, I through it out of the train window on the way home. Not a good experience.

 

I can relate.  I didn't agree with everything they told me.  And I didn't like being called a drug addict.  I don't think I'm a drug addict.  I was following my doctor's orders.  I'm not a big believer in the 12 steps but whatever works for a person.  I just went to get off this crap and to start healing. 

I can relate.  I didn't agree with everything they told me.  And I didn't like being called a drug addict.  I don't think I'm a drug addict.  I was following my doctor's orders.  I'm not a big believer in the 12 steps but whatever works for a person.  I just went to get off this crap and to start healing.

 

As I said Brooke, it was a long time ago and I was very young....the youngest there in fact. Having to stand up in front of strangers, being made to say 'my name is.....and I'm an alcoholic and chemically dependent' didn't ever feel right.

Couple of years ago I answered an advert in our local newspaper to do with addiction probs....turned out to be an AA meeting. I was respectful and went through the motions, even though you can imagine how anxious and uncomfortable it was. On reflection, there was 8 people there....each of them giving a story of how they used to be. I declined when my turn came round. But most if these guys were clean for many years....it seemed that AA had become their new addiction.

They certainly wouldn't of understood my situation. Nice people, don't get he wrong...but so pleased I've found this site...

I can't tell you how many times I ran out of those meetings because I was having a panic attack.  Withdrawal...no sleep...extreme DP/DR....    Can you say torture?  I need one of those bracelets that says " I survived rehab." 

I also went to 30-day rehab.  It's been one year since I got out.  Going there served the purpose of getting off benzos.  It has taken most of the past year to feel almost recovered.  I now realize I was completely physically dependent and not addicted in the sense of AA or NA.  I learned a lot and met some nice people, but in the end time and perseverance (to survive the past year and not ever take another benzo) were the only things that healed me.

 

 

I like the content and meaning of the 12 Steps...just not in the context of meetings. I think AA/NA are wonderful, if they help a person stay clean/sober. But many of the people who go to these programs do seem to have substituted a new kind of addiction. But, more power to the people who DO find the meetings helpful. Whatever works, is fine.

east