The voice of self harm

I've just been reading some threads about people who are feeling that life is too much to carry on with. The common denominator is that they all have intrusive thoughts about it. It's been exactly the same for me at times.

 

I had a thought a moment ago, imagining that if there was a person standing next to me constantly telling me to kill myself and that I couldn't carry on, would I listen to them or tell them where to go?

 

I'm quite sure that if there was an external person telling me this that I'd tell them to f**k off right away, however when my internal voice starts saying it I tend to give it attention and listen to it. Why?

 

 

I'm thinking of printing off a sign for my wall that says something like "stop listening to the intenal voice that tells you to harm yourself, it isn't really you talking".

 

If we could step outside ourselves for a moment, in our normal balanced state, what would you say to yourself about keeping yourself alive, how would you convince your depressed self that life IS worth living, even when it's tough?

 

 

Lost

Lost,

I think that's a great idea! I had intrusive thoughts for a while. Someone here told me to picture a red stop sign and to say the words "Go away, thoughts. I don't need you, I don't want you." For some reason, this actually worked though it felt silly at first.

Every once in a while now, I get this kind of thought, and this silly method still works for me.

Hang in there....this will get better.

east

    I had a thought a moment ago, imagining that if there was a person standing next to me constantly telling me to kill myself and that I couldn't carry on, would I listen to them or tell them where to go?

    I'm quite sure that if there was an external person telling me this that I'd tell them to f**k off right away, however when my internal voice starts saying it I tend to give it attention and listen to it. Why?

    If we could step outside ourselves for a moment, in our normal balanced state, what would you say to yourself about keeping yourself alive, how would you convince your depressed self that life IS worth living, even when it's tough?

Lost

 

This is excellent Lost. Thank you for these thoughts. You are absolutely correct and I am surprised that I never considered this side of all this frightening unrealness. Even though the insanity began again about four days ago, I did go through my longest time of clear windows just before. And now that you have made me think about it, I do remember that while I was looking through the

window I never once even considered or thought about suicide. Because of the great things you have brought to my attention here, I am going to remember this moment. I don't need to make a sign for the fridge or anything. All I have to do is remember your post. In this derealization state it is so real, when nothing is real, I do forget that there is another place where things are wonderful. Well, I guess things are not wonderful anywhere nowadays, but at least I do feel as though I am living in a world that I can deal with.

 

Many thanks Lost for your thoughts here. 

I've just been reading some threads about people who are feeling that life is too much to carry on with. The common denominator is that they all have intrusive thoughts about it. It's been exactly the same for me at times.

 

I had a thought a moment ago, imagining that if there was a person standing next to me constantly telling me to kill myself and that I couldn't carry on, would I listen to them or tell them where to go?

 

I'm quite sure that if there was an external person telling me this that I'd tell them to f**k off right away, however when my internal voice starts saying it I tend to give it attention and listen to it. Why?

 

 

I'm thinking of printing off a sign for my wall that says something like "stop listening to the intenal voice that tells you to harm yourself, it isn't really you talking".

 

If we could step outside ourselves for a moment, in our normal balanced state, what would you say to yourself about keeping yourself alive, how would you convince your depressed self that life IS worth living, even when it's tough?

 

 

Lost

 

Excellent post, Lost. Thank you for sharing this.

 

One thing that helps me is to remember that the desire to kill myself is "chemical". When I've acted on suicidal impulses before and OD'd on my meds, I never considered the fact that it was actually the meds causing the suicidal thoughts.

 

Now I know that's what is happening, and I just have to remind myself it's just a "chemical depression and anxiety" and it will pass.

 

Sometimes that reminder is just what I need to get through some of the pretty dark and miserable nights during withdrawal.

 

I do like your idea of printing off a sign. If that gets you through the night, friend, make a giant sign and hang that sign on the wall where you'll be sure to see it.

 

Do what you need to do to get through these awfully dark nights. Just don't act on those dark thoughts. They are only temporary and I'd miss anyone who did that and was no longer here to post and keep us all company at night.

 

Be well. 

 

Thank you too MindSeeker. I really need all of the encouragement I can get right now.  :'( 

Thank you for all your replies and kind words, and inspiration.

 

I'm glad some things said here resonate with others.

 

If I were to tell my other self not to listen to the 'other' voice, I'd tell myself that it's the voice of depression, that it's an evil person that wanted to get rid of me and that I have to punch it in the teeth and kick it out of the house.

 

I'm thinking of a sign on the wall for any potential future moments when the darkness hits and I'm alone, so that I can look externally at something that becomes the voice of reason. It's hard when we're alone with our own thoughts to overcome the voice that keeps saying "it's all pointless".

 

I really feel like if there was a real person shouting it in my ears to harm myself that out of pure stubbornness  I'd refuse to listen and want to prove them wrong just to spite them.

 

Finding something, anything, to live for may not take away the pain but at least it keeps us going until the good times return. That's my theory, anyway. It my be crap right now, but we live a life where good things can come out of nowhere when we least expect them.

 

Some of us got into this dark place, but there's a door out, too.

 

 

Lost

LostAtSea, those are all good points. I also like to take a step back and talk to myself like I would talk to a close friend who was suicidal. Tell this person all of the good things about her, about how I would miss her if she were gone, etc.

 

Sometimes our "self talk" is so horrible, things we would NEVER say to another person. And yet we say them over and over and over again to ourselves.

 

It's hard to be kind to ourselves when our bodies and minds are failing us so horribly during this process, but it's the exact time we really need to be gentle and mindful in our self talk to survive this. 

Oh my Lost and Mind. Wow, after I typed those words I saw the ironic connection. I wish I could be as strong as both of you. I am so afraid right now. A very small voice inside tries to tell me that this is not real. But it is just so horrifying right now. I don't know what the hell is real. Nothing around me is real. I am not real. This is not real. I know people here keep saying that it will end. I even had 12 days of windows. I know this because I read my signature AGAIN!  But when I try to remember what the window felt like I just can't get there. This nightmarish, unreal horror movie is so real. It won't go away. I'm sorry to be saying these things here. You all are so strong. I am losing my mind.    :'(   

Oh my Lost and Mind. Wow, after I typed those words I saw the ironic connection. I wish I could be as strong as both of you. I am so afraid right now. A very small voice inside tries to tell me that this is not real. But it is just so horrifying right now. I don't know what the hell is real. Nothing around me is real. I am not real. This is not real. I know people here keep saying that it will end. I even had 12 days of windows. I know this because I read my signature AGAIN!  But when I try to remember what the window felt like I just can't get there. This nightmarish, unreal horror movie is so real. It won't go away. I'm sorry to be saying these things here. You all are so strong. I am losing my mind.    :'(   

 

Hang onto those windows as a life line in your mind, dreamovie. You're healing. You just need to stay alive long enough to be well. We all know at an intellectual level that these thoughts are transient because we've had them come and go before.

 

But when you're stuck in the midst of these unrelenting thoughts, it seems like they will never leave.

 

But they will. And you'll feel like you did in your windows. Hang in there, DM. It does get better. 

You made me cry Mind. Tears of knowing someone cares. I think I must need this too. Crying does bring a sort of release from the horror show. Thank you for you beautiful and kind words of encouragement. ...still crying. 

Hi Dream.

 

I'm going to share a bit about myself with you (because something you said got me thinking about myself).. I hope at least some of it makes sense to you. (Sorry, I'm not ignoring everyone else it's just today I can only do one thing at a time in my head)

 

Oh my Lost and Mind. Wow, after I typed those words I saw the ironic connection. I wish I could be as strong as both of you.

Err.. strong isn't how I feel. In fact quite the opposite, I'm feeling vulnerable and I feel like I'm standing on a cliff edge, and all it'd take to send me over is one more little push from one more little finger.

 

And here's the "but".. that 'edge' I'm speaking of is actually just a construct of my own imagination. I can only be pushed over a metaphorical cliffe edge if I hand somebody else the power to do it (I know this intelectually.. but benzos help me forget it all too easily).

 

Err.. no thanks. I think I'd rather make my reality about me being alive because I'm a human being with an inherent value that isn't determined by other people or their opinions, and I'm not just some cog in a machine or a slave to a chemical molecule that got cooked up in a lab sometime in the 60's, so whoever's listening get the f***ing message that I don't get pushed around easily.

 

Don't you have that same independent worth as a human, Dream? Your life is unique, no?

 

I bring something unique to the world that can't be replaced if it was gone, same as you do, same as everyone else. There's only ever going to be one of me, or you, so I'm going to start thinking about looking after myself a bit better. The world wouldn't be a better place without me in it because there are people who'd miss me.

 

I'll start with keeping myself alive because that's important. In my head (a safety mechanism) I'm getting to the point of staying alive just to spite myself for ever trying to kill myself. How weird is that psychology? 

 

 

I tell you what, Dream, today I'm just going to make my reality about trying to connect with people who are going through the same crazy shit I'm going through and hopefuly somehow we can all just get through the same crazy shit together and come out the other side smelling of roses one day.

 

We're not all so strong, Dream, speaking personally I'm just good at making it look that way with words on a screen (sometimes). I'm just like you, and you're just like me, and all of us in this thread and most people on the forum are all the same, really. You are not losing your mind. In fact, everything you've said in this thread so far indicates that you are still sane and in touch with reality.

 

You're real, you just have a chemical f***ing with your head is all. Same as most of us here.

 

 

Oh yeah, and while I remember you also happened to wake me up to the fact that I need to stop thinking about suicide as an option because I have a unique & irreplaceable value as a human being. It was that last part of the equation (the because) that I was missing in my head lately.. so thank YOU for posting your thoughts here as they've really helped me out of an intellectual tangle I was in.

 

Also, I hope that dosn't sound like the ramblings of a crazy person. Sometimes things just sort of come out, other times they don't.

 

 

Lost

 

>:(My voice is loud but it is more borne out if pain and fear. I don't think I'm getting any better. If anything I'm getting worse. I just have no hope. See no way this is going to improve and worth fighting for.

So much here resonates with me, too, Lost. Thank you. I'm so discombobulated at the moment with tears and adrenaline, I'll have to post more tomorrow. You've given me much to mull over, though. I needed to read these words tonight.

 

Thanks also to Dream and Mind.

 

Satch, hang in there, sweets. You are worth fighting for. We all are.

 

More tomorrow,

V