Tears Came Today.

Tears came today.

 

Perhaps it's a good thing? My emotions have been so blunted--no joy, no love, no silliness. Faking all of it, all the time. Parenting small kids like this is a horror. The emotions that do come--irritability, rage, depression--are not really ones I like to see. I'd like a trade for the happy ones.

 

Last night and this morning my husband has been so kind. Giving me a pep talk, telling me how well I am doing and to hang in there. Perhaps it was this kindness that released the tears. I am so sad and lost. And still, really stunned that somehow I got hooked on a drug, was sick for years and no one saw this? None of these medical professionals looked at the Ambien and my symptoms.

 

I feel such shame. Shame that so many years, I looked for help. I assumed something was wrong, broken within me. Searching for the magic pill or treatment that would fix me. Thousands of hours spent researching, reading, at appointments, taking treatments and buying supplements, or lying in bed when I could have spent those hours with my children or on my now-bankrupt business. Wasted, gone. My life now in shambles, and I must wait. Wait for time to get off this poison. Time to heal. More time wasted taking gentle care of myself. But it's too much time to think. I work really hard at distractions to avoid the thinking. I work hard at the gentle. Gentle with the kids, gentle with me. Bad benzos. They make a nice scapegoat. This site has helped so much. Thank you all. I am getting free from the disease of thinking something is wrong with me.

 

My poor, beautiful brain. I had a wondrous one, you know. It worked so well, brought me so many places. 20 years spent medicating it with so many AD's, sleeping, mood drugs. One after another. Because I felt broken. My brain became it's own enemy--seeking knowledge and seeking professionals whose only tools were drugs, treatments and appointments. Those are their livelihood. Of course they had to prescribe, encourage treatments, run more tests, and make more appointments. And I fed right into it.

 

So sad today. The tears came today. I'm telling myself it's a good thing.

Your post gave me goosebumps, SD.  Tears are cleansing, tears represent emotions.  Your beautiful brain is there are will rise back to its former glory.  You have the first sign. 

Seriously,

I could have written the exact same post my friend, except my drug is Xanax. We will beat this and become even better and healthier than we were before! 

 

Grinch

I also relate to your post.  I could not cry for the longest time when I was taking Xanax.  This actually made me feel worse.  My emotions were so blunted.  When I was finally able to cry, I felt a cleansing that was so healing and wonderful.  From that point forward, I knew I could heal.  Wonderful post and yes, you'll beat this.  I too, did not know that it was the drug that was my problem all along.  But it was.  All of the tough times will be worth it.  Thank you! 

Serioulsydone, OMG, The ambien nightmare. I can so identify with everything. Here is my story: I started taking 10mg ambien nighty because my job required overnight stays in hotels, where I could not sleep. I took ambien for about 2.5 years. After 6 months of taking ambien strange things started happening to my body, my left hand went numb, I lost the sensation in my rectum muscle, I had vaginal pain, I had a burning sensation thru out my "saddle region,", I had multiple UTIs, I could not wear my contacts cause of dry eyes. So I saw the urologist alot of tests, just prescribed bactrim for UTIs, and maintainance doses of antibioltics. I saw a colon rectal doctor who diagnosed me with Obtructed Defecation Syndrone (ODS) after mtuiple tests, and prescribed fibercon and pelvic floor PT. The GYN prescribed steroid cream for vaginal pain. He told me the burning sensation in saddle region was due to menapause. So of course that was my symptoms during toerance WDs for about 12 months. And then IT got worse.

 

December 2013 in the ER, with excruitiating right shoulder blade and back pain. CT Scan showed small gallstone, but ER doctor did not think a small stone could cause such pain. (She was right about that) She thought maybe shingles. Next few weeks things got worse with pain, saw PCP, numerous times , and he sent me to surgeon, had gallbladder removed. I woke up in recovery room, with intense neuropathic pain (entire body was burning), I now realize the anathesia (sp) contained a benzo type drug. Things got worse after gallbladder surgery. Then came the doctors, 2 PCPs, 2 neurologists, 2 psychiatrists, 2 pychologists, 1 rheumatologist. And all the tests, MRIs, CT Scans, EMGs, cardiac. Then came all the prescriptions for meds (klonopin, elavil, tramadol, percocet, xanax, lyrica, neurontin, prozac) I can't recall them all. I only took the xanax for about 3-4 weeks, and the neurontin I am now tapering.

 

Finally in March 2014, after all these doctors, my

daughter is a research assistanct she discovered my problem was ambien. I never took any other drug but ambien. I am healthy before my encounter with ambien. I do not even drink. I never had panic , anxiety or depression before I CT.  None of my doctors believe that ambien WDs is the cause of my symptoms, which now include: intense neuropathic pain (entire body burning), vibrations thru buttocks, numbness hands and feet and head, pins and needles sensations, tight bandage feeling around midsection, left bicep pain,back pain, and perhaps, the worst is the anxiety, panic, uncontrollable crying, fear of being alone.

 

I CT ambien 3/24/14, and the excruitiating back pain, spine vise pain stopped. But the WDs sxs remain. I did not know about tapering off of ambien, thank goodness you are tapering, it should lessen your WDs. It sounds as if you were in tolerance WD a long time with ambien, the good news is that we will both recover from this.

 

It was much worse before, not knowing what was wrong, and I truly felt I was dying, and doctors knew nothing to help me. Thank goodness, I did not take all of those prescriptions. Now I am thankful, I know the cause of my health issues were all related to ambien. There is no doubt in my mind. Even when I showed the doctors, the Ashton manual, and my research I was told not to believe what I see on the internet, They just dismissed me. It scares me to think of all those that are suffering because of this drug and do not know it.

 

Seriouslydone, lets stay in contact, I will be here for you along this journey, better days ahead.  Always, cindy

 

 

I also can relate so well to what you have said. Countless doctors visits, so much money spent on doctors of all kinds. Tests and more tests.  It's frustrating and depressing.  However, there seems to come a time for many of us to wonder if the drug is causing all the problems.  Once I did question the drug I was taking there was a sense of enlightenment.  Of course, from that point things were very rough for quite a while.

 

I actually cried buckets when on benzos, mostly after the medical tests revealed that I was "healthy".  Once I started to taper my emotions became blunted and like you, it was a joy to finally cry and even to laugh until I cried.  Although I have  a journal I know exactly when these wondrous things happened.

 

You'll be so happy that you saw this process through and begun to enjoy a benzo free life, it's amazing.

 

pianogirl

Thanks all for the nice comments and support. So wonderful to be validated.

 

I love the idea that this is actually a turning point, being able to cry after such prolonged numbness...working so hard on just allowing the process to happen and to be patient and consistent. The fact that I am writing on here after than months of lurking and reading hundreds of posts is perhaps further proof of healing?

 

Cindys: of course we can be post-Ambien buddies. I am sorry for your troubles. I am sure you have struggled with even the thought of reinstating and tapering....it must be frustrating to wonder if it really is all caused by w/d or if there is something else. If a taper would help or you are way past that.  I accidently went C/T off Ambien in Feb when moving to Xyrem as a sleep drug. Suffered horribly for 13 weeks, thinking it was side effects of Xyrem. Finally going C/T off Xyrem, the same night reinstating Ambien and having symptoms disappear (to recur within weeks). But that inadvertent Ambien reinstatement showed me months later the dependence is real and tapering was going to be the answer for me. I'm resisting the urge to jump!